[This message edited by annie123 at 2:37 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
He is exposing you to STD's. Please get tested right away..and no more sex with him until he is tested.
It's not "just" porn. He is contacting hookers. But, I do want to say that if you are not ok with his porn usage, you can tell him so. You don't have to accept it. You seemed surprised the first time you found it, so that tells me he hid it from you while dating. You found out after the marriage..and you are allowed to tell him it is unacceptable in your marriage. He, of course, has the right to say he chooses it over the marriage,,in which case, you are better divorcing this man who is showing no respect for you, and is putting your life at risk.
Im so sorry.
ETA: To catch him? Stop asking questions. Stop accusing. Put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car. You will most likely have your proof within 24 hours.
[This message edited by confused615 at 2:39 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by annie123 at 2:56 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
Do you really think that he is doing it because you question him, because you don't give him sex every time he wants it, because you don't provide him with kinky enough sex?
You husband is a very broken man. YOU cannot fix him. He has to do that himself, and first he has to want to.
Please whatever you do, do not have unprotected sex with him again.
You are in an abusive situation, you can't see it for what it is, because it has happened over a period of time, but you are. Google the cycle of abuse. Then start taking steps to get out.
This is not love, and I know I'm being harsh, but you really do deserve more.
Stop tolerating this, and go see a lawyer.
Who are you going to believe, Annie? Him, or your lying eyes?
A keylogger will show all passwords if he uses that computer to log into any of his accounts.
And it's your fault he watches porn and contacts hookers because you don't do enough for him? And if you dont stop perstering him then he will cheat? RUFKM??? PLEASE do not accept this. I understand you depend on him..that needs to stop. he is showing you he can't be depended on. He is cheating on you. He is risking your life.
It is not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do made him decide to cheat. It has nothing to do with you not giving him kinky sex. Or enough sex. It is HIS issue. This has nothing to do with you.
You are his wife. You should know all of the passwords anyway. He is treating you with absolutely no respect at all. This is abuse..all of it. You are being abused.
Im so angry for you!
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:42 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
Take others advice & do not have sex with him until tested! I don't think he deserves having it with you IMO anyway.....
Take care of you & your sweet baby! I'm so sorry you are going through this!
This kind of cheater drama/ nonsense will make you progress to this stage...I promise you..
Get out...Get out of the marriage itself or get into R if your WH is fully remorseful..
Just know that R with your WH fully on board means that he loses interest (like yesterday) in the porn and off -life that he has been indulging in...
Nothing to do with how you were conducting yourself in the marriage..The fact that you have a good backbone vs a wishy washy one only means that he tries to take more advantage of you..
Nothing to do with how you look, how you were born or who you are...
This stuff takes some of us a while to learn...You just have to stand up for yourself to have a life that is sustainable whether it is with a life partner or on your own...
60 years young..
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have lived through similar circumstances. Your husband is cheating on you. It is not the "regular" affair, but he is cheating with paid sex workers. You have the proof you need to accept this. Do not slip into denial. Do not try to justify his behavior. Do not try to normalize his behavior. Do not stand for his emotional abuse and blame-shifting. To do any of those things will be at your own peril.
Your husband is displaying behavior that may be caused by sex addiction. If he is a sex addict, you have no idea of the extent of what he has been doing. In addition, he probably has a STD. You need to have a full panel of STD tests run by your doctor - asap. Do NOT have sex with him until he has had a full panel done as well and is clean and you can see the results, AND he is in a treatment program and he is not acting out.
There is a topic on this forum for prostitutes/anonymous encounters. I just bumped it up for you so that it is prominently displayed in the "Just Found Out" forum. It is now easy to find. I'd strongly suggest that read it and follow the advice given there.
If you can have him leave the house so that you can have some peace for now, that would be best for you. You did nothing to deserve this.
Get yourself tested.
See an attorney.
Read up on the 180, hell he is already doing half of that for you.
Quit accepting the blame for his crappy actions and choices. That is abuse.
Yes you are codependent. You are also caught in the cycle of abuse.
Only you can choose to not accept it, and only you can demand the respect, and love you deserve.
My situation, early on, mirrored yours. It escalated in devastating ways. Devastating for me and our kids, but also for stbx.
Your husband is cheating with high-risk sex partners. You have all the proof you need. More will not change anything,
That said, you can acknowledge that, protect yourself from disease (do NOT have unprotected sex with him--oral, vaginal, or otherwise--either; The consequences are devastating.)
You can then take all the time you need to get your ducks in a row. You don't have to make any life altering decisions today, tomorrow, or until you are done with your exams.
But please--for your physical and emotional health, DO make the choice to believe the truth and take measures to protect yourself---physically, most importantly, but also emotionally.
I did not do this, at huge physical and emotional cost. Really, just a shift in my own thinking made a huge difference. Trusting myself, accepting I could only change own thoughts, feelings, and actions made even a rocky home life very different for me. I not achieve this shift for a very, very long time.
It did not change my husband's trajectory. That's his job. And yes, the behavior (very well hidden) escalated. Eventually, our marriage ended--very badly.
You have proof. You have lots of proof. You don't need more-you need a plan.
You can tackle it from the make-the-marriage-work place, which requires a partner willing to do the hard work with you. Or you can get your ducks in a row, in preparation for ending the marriage.
But you cannot have a healthy marriage with emotional intimacy and love -- not with a man engaging in high risk extramarital behavior that is apt to escalate over time.
Don't do what I did. Don't sacrifice your young and middle adulthood to a marriage that is a sham. Make the marriage YOU want, or give yourself the opportunity to move forward constructively. Certainly, if you need time to prepare for this, take that time. But don't permit yourself to "believe" (code for being too scared to rock a boat that desperately NEEDS rocking if it's ever going to right itself and sail smoothly) that better-hidden behaviors are not occurring. I can guarantee--seriously, I would bet everything I have--that your husband will not and cannot stop this type of sexual acting out and will escalate if he does not make the decision to get much needed help.
This cannot be overemphasized: no unprotected sex. As long as you are with him, have routine, scheduled STD testing every six months--more often, if your doctor recommends. (Be sure your doctor knows he's having sex with high risk partners.) Consider some IC to help you figure out what is important to you in this life and how to assert yourself best, in order to achieve it. I would not bother with MC until and unless your husband acknowledged his issues and spent some time in IC--preferably with a CSAT--first.
Millions of hugs to you.