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peaceBmine posted 8/8/2014 16:39 PM

Not quite 4 months out and our anniversary is next week. I'm really struggling with what to think about it.

WH will be out of town with training all week and I will be very busy with taking a daughter to college. So, not only is it an emotional day of leaving a child, and H being gone, but also with trying to determine what I feel about the anniversary and fearful of what feelings may come up.

Part of me wants to pretend like it doesn't exist. After all, the vows that were taken mean absolutely nothing now...at least not on his side. But on the flip side, I take my vows very seriously and definitely consider this part of the "worse" in the "for better or worse" part of the vows. WH thinks we should celebrate the fact that we have survived one more year. Me, I want SO MUCH better than to just survive the years! I wish this past year could be erased from my memory. I wish this past year didn't happen. I wish we could start back from last August and call a do-over. But, that is not possible, so I'm struggling with how to feel about the anniversary. On the other hand (yes, apparently there are more than 2), NO ONE know about the affair in our life and I feel that if we don't acknowledge in some way that our family and children will become suspicious.

Have I mentioned today that I HATE how the A takes over EVERYTHING and every thought!

MegM posted 8/8/2014 17:46 PM

PeaceBmine

First I want to say that I am very sorry you have this pain to carry. similary our anniversary followed a similar time frame after D-day.

I felt divided about how to approach it.
I am guessing there is no way to avoid you husband being away at that time?

His being away could provide a reasonable rationale for why you are postponing your marking of the day to family members and children. and on his return what is in fact a low key meal out for the two of you could just be offered to others as 'your occasion'

However, I can understand your concerns that regardless of the above challenge the deeper concern is what the milestone itself brings up.

His you H being supportive and remorseful? If so can you arrange some Skype time and telephone time on the actual day and the evening before and after?

Or journaling either at home or through SI during the time and exploring those feelings and thoughts.

For me I took the day off work and had the children with me. I either spent time with them or I spent time writing. We also took a couple of hours out and used it to talk and explore my feelings.

Others just assumed we were having some romantic time. We let them assume that - and it allowed us some time to ourselves.

You could plan something like that for his return - along the lines of what you would usually do a meal out or an evening away. But between yourselves understand that it will time to work through another layer of what is happening for you.

I agree - I was no where near ready to celebrate.
In my case I was ready to reclaim a few things, and because I felt committed to the marriage and also concerned for my children I tried to find a balance and saw an opportunity to reassure my children as they had been aware of a lot of the tension and pain between us.

best wishes to you PBM -

Meg

LA44 posted 8/8/2014 20:01 PM

((peacebmine)), you mentioned a couple times that you are struggling with what to think about your anniversary in light of the A. Maybe just don't think. Just wake up that day and sit in your feelings. Are you sad? Cry. Are you angry? Whack a pillow a hundred times. Do you feel...ok? Then ok! Call a friend, go for a walk, write yourself a letter and put it away.

Whatever you need that day, let your H know. While he won't be around, he can still provide reassurances via phone or texts.

Major celebrations are very difficult in the first year. I had Christmas a few weeks later. I didn't put any pressure on myself to feel happy or joyous. I stayed in the moment as best as i could for my kids. I knew next year would be better. And it was.

Keep us posted.

SoLostStillNumb posted 8/9/2014 01:32 AM

This is helpful. Our anniversary is next week too. I'm about 3 months out. I'm very worried that I'll fall back 10 steps emotionally and be back to dday all over again.

We aren't really speaking to each other at the moment and we are on opposite sides of the country so I'm really not expecting him to do anything for me at this point. I still hope he does though; even if its just a text that says "I'm thinking about you today." From the looks of the way he's been acting since DD I don't think he has any heart to even give me that.

We don't know if we are going to R or D at this point, so not really sure how to handle this day next week...

peaceBmine posted 8/9/2014 10:49 AM

My WH is being very supportive...we have our moments, but remorseful and helpful for the most part. I don't think he yet "gets" that I don't have much acknowledgement for the vows from 21 years ago though. In his mind, he broke them but is no longer doing this, so it's a time to celebrate. I pray one day he "gets" it.

My plans for that day are already FULL, FULL, FULL, so that is good. I'm slightly concerned with being overly emotional that day, but my bigger concern is just trying to figure out how I feel about the whole idea of broken vows in general. No doubt about wanting to reconcile and working hard towards that...and that we want to make this work...just have a feeling that a true "start over" (which is what we are claiming) puts an end to the previously significant dates. Just working through this.

Thank you all for your help.