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Happier after divorce. Anyone?

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blindsided81 posted 8/8/2014 17:37 PM

Please tell me someone out there has stories of how their life is better after divorce. Please tell me that even though you are 50, or over, you have met someone else and your divorce is no longer a part of your daily thoughts.

My WH left me 3 weeks ago and moved in with the AW. I just need hope that my life is not over.

caregiver9000 posted 8/8/2014 17:41 PM

I am happier!!! It took time, and my happiness was not tied up in meeting someone new. I have dated, and been happy in a new relationship for a time.

I am not currently dating but I am still far far far more content and satisfied with my life than I imagined I would be.

hurtbs posted 8/8/2014 17:42 PM

I'm not over 50, but I was married to exWH for 8 years and we were together for a decade. Not an insignificant amount of time. My life has become so much more rich and fulfilling without him. I had no idea how challenging it was to have him in my life - he was an anchor pulling me down. It was like being a parent. The amount of calm and security I now have is amazing. My career has thrived now that I no longer have to consider himad his ego (god forbid his wife be perceived as successful!). I am no longer ridden with anxiety every time he flirts with women (all the fucking time). A weight was lifted from my life. I can enjoy being sociable - something he hated and would pout if I wanted to go out with my friends. I can spend money on what I want without him going ballistic. Likewise, I don't have to watch him waste funds. My house is clean (well, other than dog hair) because I no longer have to deal with his pack rat ways or inability to put a fucking dish in the washer. Oh, I also do my laundry, make the bed, and am assured it will be the same.

Since my marriage ended two years I have dated two wonderful men. My ExBF was lovely - we had a great relationship. However, I was focusing on me and my career and needs which ultimately led to a move. We ended rather than go long distance. Now I'm involved with another

I can tell you without a doubt that my life is so much better, more meaningful, and deeper than it has been in years!

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:43 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

shiloe posted 8/8/2014 18:01 PM

I am curious about this subject too. Especially for the 50 and over crowd, because if you are 50 and older, you will need a few years to heal, which ups your age even more.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/8/2014 18:04 PM

There's hope honey. Whether I find romantic love again or not, I am SOOO much happier.

My life is now filled with friends and family I TRUST.

Honestly, I feel free now. I've never felt better in my life.

Sending big hugs and strength to you. I promise, it gets better.

justabrokendream posted 8/8/2014 18:41 PM

I'm over 50 been divorced over 10 years - happy without a cheater. So happy I'll never get married again.

neverbeokay posted 8/8/2014 18:49 PM

Over 50 and divorced almost 5 years. I'm not dating or in a relationship. I have a great family and friends. And I am much happier living an authentic life on my own terms.

gma56 posted 8/8/2014 19:04 PM

58 here. Over 6 yrs since separation/then 4 yrs later finally divorce.
So much happier knowing I don't have the liar and cheater in my life.

I now have some really terrific people that I can count on and feel so blessed.

I'm dating and yes there is someone special, very new...

I found me again that was lost for many years and discovering a new me too.
Life is good.
I don't have the financial security yet but it's improving, nothing I miss from my old life.
You're gonna be ok just give yourself time.
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 8:09 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

betrayedpregnant posted 8/8/2014 19:21 PM

No i'm not there yet. I'm right where you are. (((blindsided)))

Nature_Girl posted 8/8/2014 19:54 PM

I am over 50, and I am so much happier. It started when I kicked him out in early 2012. It has been building steadily ever since. I am not dating, but that is because I do not want to date, am not ready to date, have no desire to date, would rather be physically ill at both ends than date...

I am starting my life completely over. I am rediscovering myself, my passions, the best parts of me that I subverted & buried in order to appease my ex. Even my kids are discovering me, learning that they have a really fun mom who is smart & courageous & open to life's possibilities. I am making friends, I am returning to college to get a degree and make an entirely new career path for myself. My finances are in the toilet, but I am trusting that in time they will come back.

My life is better.

inconnu posted 8/8/2014 20:04 PM

I was 45 when ex walked out on the kids and me. Now I'm 50. My life ended up being so much better than I could imagine 5 years ago. I am much happier. I did find love again, and am in a 4+ year committed relationship. I am loved and cherished, and there's not a day that goes by where my SO doesn't let me know how much he appreciates me.

But me being happier isn't because I have an SO. Yes, he does bring joy to my life, and I'm truly glad he's in my life. But I'm happier now because I like who am I and I like the life I built for myself after my divorce. I choose to be happy, and to look for the positives. It's made a huge difference in my healing.

gma56 posted 8/8/2014 20:11 PM

I need to add one more thing...
My life is NOTHING like my 26 year marriage and I wouldn't want it any other way !

dbellanon posted 8/8/2014 20:22 PM

This is such a hard question to answer because it all depends on your point of reference.

Am I happier than I was during the hell of DDay, its aftermath and the divorce? You'd better believe it! But that's low-hanging fruit. That was rock bottom. Everything looks better by comparison.

Am I happier than I was during the best times of my marriage? Hard to say. I have learned to appreciate certain advantages that single life has over married life, but the two are so different, that it is almost impossible to compare.

The problem I have most of the time is that I compare my state now to hypothetical state that never did and never could exist. I think about how things would have been if the woman whom I married had remained faithful to me and dedicated to the well-being of our marriage, or how things might have been if I had had the sense never to marry her in the first place. If you are constantly thinking about how you would have been happier "if," then you probably never will feel like your life is better now that you are divorced.

I am better off not being married to that bully. But being divorced from/with her still sucks (if that makes any sense).

Rather than comparing your life now to some imaginary paradisal state, recognize that you've been through a tragedy and a trauma, and that you are recovering from it. In that sense, your life from now on should be, on the whole, an upward climb. And in that sense it will be better.

And in the long term, do you have the potential to reach a state that is better than the one you had before the tragedy struck? Absolutely. But it will probably take time to get there. It could take a lot of time. In the mean time, find things to appreciate, find ways to grow, focus on the positive things that do happen in your life rather than thinking about the whole of your experience might or might not measure up to what you had hoped for in the past.

Over the past year, I have had many moments of self pity and bitterness over the ways in which my life is sub-optimal as a result of my ex wife's actions, but if I allowed myself to become absorbed in that, I would have missed the many irreplaceable moments of joy that I have experience (most of them with my daughter).

At its absolutely best, life is a mix of joy and suffering. As long as you keep on living, you can expect to experience more or both. I think the possibility of joy is enough to keep me going, enough to give me reason to wake up in the morning and face each day.

moonview posted 8/8/2014 20:43 PM

I am very lucky.

At the age of 62 (divorced at the age of 58), I can honestly say that I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life.

A few years of IC helped immensely.

newlysingle posted 8/8/2014 20:54 PM

I'm 38, but am still not dating. I'm really happy though. I've learned that being in my own isn't so bad. I look at a lot of my friends in unhappy relationships and I'm glad that I'm free. I hope to one day meet someone, but for now, I'm content.

You're separation is still so fresh. You are still reeling from the loss. It's a huge shock to suddenly be on your own. Start spending time with friends. Start a new hobby or class. Find yourself again. Once you're content with yourself again, you'll be ready for someone new.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/8/2014 21:28 PM

I am 54. Divorced at 48 and I am much happier. I was married to a lying, manipulative, low level sociopath substance abuser.

I love knowing that what I know is the truth after all those years of gaslighting. My life keeps getting better and better.

bigskyblues posted 8/9/2014 01:08 AM

I am 53, and I am happier than I have been in years. I met a wonderful lady after D, we have been together about 18 months. I get a long with her children just fine, she gets along with mine (all adult children), her grandson is my best buddy and I am having a blast being a grandpa.

I think it took having this relationship to really show me how messed up my marriage had been. I am in a relationship where I get as much back as I put into the relationship.

Wish you the very best!

BSB

blindsided81 posted 8/9/2014 06:51 AM

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I really needed some hope yesterday. I needed to hear from other people because my head tells me these things, but my heart is shattered into a million pieces.

I didn't mean to make it sound like my main concern was a SO. It isn't at all, it's just that the loneliness is hard to take at times.

WH had to come by to discuss finances and I am finding it's usually harder when he leaves. If I don't see him for awhile it's easier.

I will continue to try to focus on me and what I need to do to heal. Thank you all again, your messages helped!

cantaccept posted 8/9/2014 06:56 AM

I am 54, only divorced for 4 days now, but separated for 8 months and in 2012, separated for 4 months.

During all that time I kept working on me in spite of xwh lack of remorse, empathy and compassion. I was in IC, I read I could get my hands on every day since dday #1 in Oct. 2012.

On dday #2, he left, again and I really ramped up my efforts on my life. The first 5 months were really hard. I pushed myself to do things though, unrelated to infidelity, things that I used to enjoy and now I find I am enjoying them again, but it took time.

The divorce just felt like a relief to me. It had been so long in coming and was absolutely the best decision, I have no doubt.

Yes, I am happier, I didn't know that I could feel this peace, this strength, to be able to control my life, say what I think, do what I want to do and not be afraid of the repercussions. Just the simple things.

It does get better, I am honestly surprised by how good I feel now.

(((blindsided81)))

cantaccept posted 8/9/2014 07:07 AM

One more thing, I going on a date. It is with someone that I have known for several years, so it is a little more comfortable. He knows my story and seems very respectful of my cautious approach.

He asked me to go see a band play, we both play music and that is something we always talked about. He then qualified it with, "are you okay with that? Do you feel comfortable with that yet?"

Just that in itself is so very different from xwh. A man that actually thinks about and asks how I feel about something! Nice change.

My life is better now. I was so afraid when all this happened that my life was over, I felt old, done, like the best was in my past. Now, I realize that the past was really not so good, in fact it was pretty bad and my life was very small.

I laugh more now than I have in years, I smile again and I am finding that the better I feel, the more I smile, the more that comes back to me from others, more smiles, more conversation, more good.

It is better and I am amazed and grateful.

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