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Who have you told? Did you expose to everyone?

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Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/8/2014 18:11 PM

Who did you tell about the affair? Do you think everyone should know? If not everyone, then who?

rachelc posted 8/8/2014 18:14 PM

I think it's important to tell people who will support you and people who can make sure the affair stops - spouses, employers, family members. Waywards are usually in a think fog and are confused about their feelings. The affair needs to stop so they can get some perspective and withdraw from the chemical high so they can heal and help their BS heal.

The BS needs lots of quality, understanding, supportive people in their corner.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:14 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 18:42 PM

I told his family, my friends, some of his friends, our family doctor, my obgyn, the counselors at our boys school, and a few telemarketers that called at the wrong time. I don't have any close family on my side.

I forced him to take a letter I wrote to his female coworker's husband (also a coworker) outing his inappropriate behavior with this man's wife and his fantasies about her. I mentioned inthe letter that I wouldn't blame him if he punched my husband. It sounded like he took it well, he must've been in shock.

Now of my husband's friends that I told. Some were disappointed with him and some sided with my WH saying nothing he did was wrong. (Because a penis never entered a vagina is what I was told)

Anyway, the friends that were disappointed with him are still his friends. And the friends that sided with him aren't close anymore. When he started really examining things he realized that people who side with a manipulator are only doing so to further their own personal agendas, and rarely are they on the up and up.

I only didn't tell people that I wouldn't normally share with.

bionicgal posted 8/8/2014 18:54 PM

My sister (out of the area), two close friends, our minister and his wife, our physician, and one friend that lives out of the area.

In retrospect, I am very glad that I kept it in the inner circle, so to speak. I still have the option to share with more people if I need it, but telling everyone just to punish my H (and the AP -- as tempting as that is!) just felt wrong. Also, I do believe in having some privacy, and there were kids to protect.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:54 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

sad81712 posted 8/8/2014 18:59 PM

I do agree with what Rachelc said but there is another side to telling people.
I only told 5 people and it changed our relationships.
I told my sister, my sister-in-law (married my H's brother) and a friend none of them ever talked to me about it again! I tried to reach out to them and all I got back was "oh my god. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry" I look back at it and think that maybe some people don't know what to say or just don't want to get involved. It's hurtful. Also, a family member may hold bad feelings towards your WH even after you & he reconcile.
I reached out to two very close friends both have been wonderful and helpful but now our relationship has changed not for the worse but not for the better either.
I say be careful and choose wisely. There's a saying...Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.

Now that we're 2 years out and MrSad is being an amazing husband and father I am glad that everyone doesn't know what we've been through. I'm kind of a private person.

LA44 posted 8/8/2014 19:37 PM

I really had no interest in taking my trauma to drama.....This is just me but I felt I was lowering the bar in some ways by doing so. I told my sister, my cousin, my bf and my Dr. We told my parents 8 months in - my H wanted to apologize to them and bc my sister told her teen daughter, who was raised at my parents' house, we believed this was impt.

My bf and I are no longer speaking. She cannot accept our R. This is very sad and it hurts but it is one more thing I have to accept about the A.

Be careful who you tell but be more careful as to WHY you are telling them.

krsplat posted 8/8/2014 19:54 PM

Right off the bat I told my three closest friends. I would have exploded or died or something if I'd had to bear all that alone right after DDay. A few weeks later, I told my boss because I wasn't functioning well at work at it showed.

After a few months, I reached a point where NOT telling started to feel like a huge weight. So I told the rest of my oldest group of friends. I see my parents and my brothers and SILs often, and pasting on a happy face each time felt like I was lying to them in the same way that my WH did to me. So I told them too, and I do not regret it in the least.

I feel supported and loved by all those I've confided in , and they have all told me that they will follow my lead on how to respond to WH. If I forgive him, they will too. If I divorce him, they are free to hate away.

If he wants to repair his relationships with those people -- and he will have to in order to stay in my life -- then he will have to humble himself and do whatever work is required. His choices created a huge mess that affects alot of people. Time for him to put on his big boy pants and deal with the destruction he caused.

thestepfordex posted 8/8/2014 19:56 PM

He doesn't like it but I told his family. He deserved the repercussions of his actions. His mother has a tendency to think her sons are saints so I brought her physical proof. My WP ex-wife was ran through the mud by his family because his mother "didn't believe her" and I was not going to suffer the same fate. That's my daughter's only grandmother and grandfather. She was disgusted with him and even wrote a nasty letter to OW letting her know she was not to ever contact anyone in her family, including WP, or she would be showing up at her house. I chuckled at that.

I've told my friends, my grandmother who went through something similar, and my therapist. He can deal. I'm not ashamed, he should be though. I'm tired of cheaters never having to face consequences for their actions. If WP and I separate you bet I will be informing every one of his knew girlfriends about his sex addiction and cheating problem.

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/8/2014 20:02 PM

So far only my sister, a couple friends and doctor know.

Should I tell our 10 year old?

LA44 posted 8/8/2014 20:05 PM

Should I tell our 10 year old?

Is your H in the house or have your separated?

peaceBmine posted 8/8/2014 20:12 PM

We have told no one at all. We have discussed with AP and OBS only.

LA44 posted 8/8/2014 20:21 PM

I am just going to offer my response. Firstly, my son is 9 now and very curious, sensitive, easily hurt and anxious at times. There are lots of changes going on within him both cognitively and physically. What I need to do right now as his mom, is reassure him that he is loved and safe in our home with me and his Dad.

I think as Rachel said, you tell people whom you might receive support - an ear, a guide, a Sherpa so to speak. I don't think the 10 year old fits in there. If you and your H were to separate then you would want to be age appropriate honest with him/her and I would think it would be a decision you and H would make together.

My kids caught me crying and short tempered after D-day. I told them that someone hurt me very much but that I was going to be okay. They suggested that perhaps the person should tell me they were sorry and it would be better.

So innocent.

rachelc posted 8/8/2014 22:00 PM

I'm so sorry to those who have lost friends and family they confused in,
I lost my BFF as well and to this day I don't really know why but I suspect she is a BS. She just froze me out. But after going through sine soul searching she really wasn't a good friend anyway. But I understand. It feels like another betrayal.

Wodnships posted 8/8/2014 22:17 PM

Now that the dust has cleared I don't regret anyone I didn't tell, but I do regret some people I did tell.

My father tried to be supportive in his own way, but he ended up being so dramatic that I had to tell him I couldn't be concerned with his needs or concerns. He and my mother found out because I slept at there house on D-day.

Most of my friends I told showed real concern for a couple of months, but now it's all over and done in their minds and it's as if it never happened.

So the best people I told really weren't much of a help. The worst of them made things more difficult to deal with.

Time Ticks On posted 8/8/2014 22:34 PM

I told no one, neither did my husband. I didn't do it to protect myself not him. I didn't want anyone to judge me.

BW2639 posted 8/8/2014 23:11 PM

I did not tell anyone about the actual affair. When I thought that it was just an EA, I told a friend. But when I found out that it hand been a PA all along, ( three years later) I did not tell anyone. Even the original friend. I was too embarrassed. She has told her psych DR. but that's all. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off by now, if I would have told, ...guess I'll never know that.

sad81712 posted 8/8/2014 23:44 PM

Should I tell our 10 year old?

I would say not to tell your 10yr old unless there is a reason. It will rock his/her foundation and compromise his/her "safe" feeling at home.

My daughter turned 14 two weeks after my Dday. And that was the day she said, "Mom, why are you so mad at me?" It crushed me that she could tell something was wrong. I though I was holding it together enough that my kids wouldn't know. So to answer her question...with tears in my eyes I just told her, "dad broke my heart and it had nothing to do with her".
If your child can tell things are "off" just reassure him/her that everything will be okay and life has it's ups and downs.

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/9/2014 07:05 AM

Thanks all. I have been struggling with this concept. Another forum insists on exposing to everyone to the point of being forceful.

My WH and I are home and trying not to act odd. We aren't the fighting sort so we can step to the side and chat when our son is occupied. Luckily he had a week of camp and has been staying at a friends often.

I have told him that I'm feeling down and want him to know it has isn't his fault and all will be ok.

struggling16 posted 8/9/2014 07:13 AM

No one. A friend guessed correctly, though.

Daisy312 posted 8/9/2014 07:27 AM

At first I was dead set on no one knowing! That was the shame in me though! I was so ashamed for staying with him! I ended up telling my mom because she had been through it and I knew would support me. Since then I have told my two best friends, and a few new friends. surprisingly, everyone I have told h as been extremely supportive of my decision to R. I also feel so much better since telling ppl and my friendships are amazing now! I don't feel so alone anymore. If they were not supportive though I could see it hurting our friendship.

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