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Why some of us might just be lurking here

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TS68 posted 8/8/2014 23:39 PM

Many of you have read my posts here. I have internalized the feedback but struggle to make a move...
So I read constantly but post nothing... Because I know what I have to do but am paralyzed with fear. In my case I have no proof beyond the EA, but need proof for my own defense.

I don't comment on others situations since I have not taken advice myself. I don't feel qualified to advise. But this site offers me knowledge I otherwise would never have.

Know that many of us are reading and learning... Gaining strength

norabird posted 8/8/2014 23:43 PM

((((TS68))))

norabird posted 8/8/2014 23:43 PM

((((TS68))))

Ostrich80 posted 8/9/2014 02:11 AM

It's very difficult when they are so good at covering their tracks...I know that well.
Do you feel like your advice would not be valuable because of your situation? Just curious. I bet it would. I've gotten a lot of good stuff from posters that may post something that they think may not be significant, but it is. Even just knowing your not alone helps. It helps me just to get things out of my head sometimes but of course only when you feel comfortable sharing.

Betrayeduk posted 8/9/2014 05:09 AM

TS68 thank you. I thought I was the only one who felt like that.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/9/2014 06:35 AM

(((TS68))) If you would like to post, please do. Like Ostrich said, you never know what little piece of your post may be a HUGE help to someone else. It may also help you in getting the strength to go forward with what you need and want to do.

I am so sorry you are in the situation you are in, TS68, and I was so hoping you would be able to get something real solid to help fortify you.

SparrowSoul posted 8/9/2014 10:48 AM

I lurk a lot more than I post, as well-- But SI has been an undeniable resource, and I honestly don't know how I could have even hoped to handle my situation without it.

So just know that you're not alone, there are plenty of us here in the same boat! ((( )))

BtraydWife posted 8/9/2014 12:07 PM

I read for several years before I got an id. Shortly after dday my WH used information from here to continue his lies. I had printed off lots and lots of posts for him and us to read. It gave him the right words to say to continue his lies. It told him what he was suppose to be doing for me so he picked a couple of simple things and faked them. He knew he wasn't suppose to hesitate to agree to a poly so he prepared his response and bluffed me. Later he admitted that he didn't think I'd go through with one. Eventually all that came out too, but I hesitated in posting my feelings and thoughts out of fear he would twist them to his benefit. When I got to the point where I was not capable of dealing with more of his shit and I trusted that I would not let him manipulate me that way again I considered getting an id.


The other reason I started posting is because I couldn't keep squawking at a computer screen. I felt a strong need to respond to some people and that's what pushed me over the edge to get an id.

Anyway, this great thing happened when I started to respond to others. It cemented in my mind where right and wrong was in regards to my WHs behavior. It made it easier for me to tell him he wasn't doing enough, tell him what I needed without feeling any negative emotions about speaking up, and made it clearer in my mind that continuing to accept less than what I needed from him was only going to bring me more pain.

Posting here in response to other people made me feel stronger in my personal situation. It made me feel like I COULD do this, with his cooperation, or without him. It helped to ease my doubts and fears.

SI is the only reason I had a chance for real R. If I went by the other resources available to me I'd be building up resentment while rugsweeping his As. Who knows what he would've felt he could continue to do. You don't have a chance at real R unless you know what that is, and isn't. SI saved my marriage and my sanity.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:10 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]

seethelight posted 8/9/2014 12:13 PM

((

TS68))) If you would like to post, please do. Like Ostrich said, you never know what little piece of your post may be a HUGE help to someone else. It may also help you in getting the strength to go forward with what you need and want to do.

^^^^^^^^^^^What your sister Milkshake said.

Who knows, even if someone disagrees your words may impart some wisdom to someone that may help them in some way and also help someone else.

You have received good advice here from others struggling just like you.

badmedicine posted 8/9/2014 12:37 PM

Hi TS68,

I know how you feel, many of us do! Getting good advice, even when you know it's the right thing to do, is hard! And just because you know what the right thing to do is doesn't make it easy to just go out and do it! Please be easy on yourself. Keep posting if it helps but definitely keep reading. I go through times where I don't post at all and then times when I do. As for giving others advice sometimes all you have to write is that you have read it and a message of support and that can be helpful. For me it seemed like after I responded to others a bit I gained strength for myself to do what I had to. Maybe that would happen for you? Either way, SI is a resource to help so lurking is just fine if you need to.

megahertz posted 8/9/2014 12:53 PM

Fully understand lurking. It's hard putting yourself out there when you have been hurt so deeply. I've only been here a short while, but just knowing I'm not suffering alone in my pain makes it easier to share. There is a common understanding we all have, and there is so much to learn from others who have gone through all this before. The advice received here in just a week has kept me on track. Your post has helped me remember just how devious my WS can be.

Skan posted 8/9/2014 14:11 PM

Hey, you know something? When you look at someone else's situation, because you are probably not emotionally invested in the two people, it's easier to pick up the inconsistencies. Sorta like hind-sight is always 20/20. But applying that same, detached point of view to your own family is hard. Really hard. Believe me, we all understand that!

Think of SI as a well in the desert. Take what you need from it. If you need to just come in under dark and take a dipper-full at a time, do that. When you're ready to come in and take a bucket from the well, be welcome. When you can help someone else water their flock, turn to. Drink deeply of what you need. That's what we are all here for! (((hugs)))

Shero posted 8/9/2014 20:32 PM

((TS68)),

You know my "story", such as it is. It took two years for me to find SI, and a few months before I became a member. I still "lurk", giving solace where I can; no advice yet because I still don't understand my own situation, or only advice that seems unrelated to infidelity per se. You, I, we, all seem to "know" what to "do", but it is extremely difficult because all of our situations are so unique. I am following your situation and am glad you are gaining strength :)

Lakehuron posted 8/9/2014 21:51 PM

I am a lurker myself. There is so much good advice here that even though my resume is the same as others, some people are much better with worlds. I have put my two sense in once in a while though. Before I found this site I searched and searched for that magic pill that will make the pain go away. I'm still searching but this site sure has helped numb a lot of it. There has been advice, songs, poems that people have posted. I hope the founders of this site realize what a service they have done for us. Both BS and WS and everyone else affected .

meleanoro posted 8/10/2014 00:41 AM


Anyway, this great thing happened when I started to respond to others. It cemented in my mind where right and wrong was in regards to my WHs behavior. It made it easier for me to tell him he wasn't doing enough, tell him what I needed without feeling any negative emotions about speaking up, and made it clearer in my mind that continuing to accept less than what I needed from him was only going to bring me more pain.

Second what brtaydwife wrote. Posting here has helped me see how much BS I've tolerated, and that I needn't do so any longer.

Ts, I live in fear. My H has said he's a sociopath. It's scary foe me to post here because I am in a fog of my own at times. But honest to God, it's given me more tenacity in the past few weeks than 6 years of silence has done. I absolutely understand your fears. None of what I've written is pressure for you to post :)

I'm so glad SI helps you getbstrength. (((((Ts68)))) you are NOT alone!

standinghere posted 8/10/2014 02:09 AM

It's hard putting yourself out there when you have been hurt so deeply.

Amen to this.

I didn't trust anyone, or anyplace, enough to post or join, outside of practically forcing myself to trust our MC in order to get counseling effectively started.

healingroad posted 8/10/2014 02:27 AM

I didn't post, until...I hit the wall. Nothing made sense. What my WW was saying didn't make any sense. Everytime I tried to work through things they got worse. Our MC wasn't helping. There was no one I could talk to. So I posted. And I learned. And I got help.

It was somehow ... different seeing replies to *my* posts rather than just trying to interpret other people's experiences and trying to fit them into my situation.

And it was so so helpful. Finally I felt like I was being understood. And I got some 2x4's too, and they were needed.

Mostly it helped me realize that my feeling and needs actually mattered. They were just as important as WW's and the only I would survive would be to start looking out for myself. SI taught me that. I kind of knew it before, but only after posting and getting help and support did I really get it.

BTW, here's a thread I started called "I wish I had shared my story when I first found out" which speaks to this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=537038

jackie89 posted 8/10/2014 12:21 PM

I too - read every day. Have learned A lot.
I don't post much because I KNOW what I really need to do, plus I am not great a giving advice, because I feel fake in giving advice, when I am not taking it myself.

SI is my lifeline - where I find people that know exactly what I'm feeling. It's a process.. one I NEED to finalize.

edited for typos

[This message edited by jackie89 at 12:35 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

TS68 posted 8/10/2014 15:02 PM

Jackie89
Thank you... You nailed exactly how I feel. The advice I would give is advice I have not taken myself... Yet. But getting there, slowly.

I am not afraid to post, just afraid of following the advice I get. It is a big decision to throw away 20 years.

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