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Will it end?

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Hopeful74 posted 8/8/2014 23:58 PM

I am headed toward divorce. My H is a selfish asshat that will never change. I feel relieved about my decision, knowing tht I will no longer have to accept the shit sandwich he has given me. I have several questions: does it get easier to deal with them not being here day in and day out? Will I ever wake up in the morning and not have my first thought be about him and what he did to me and our family? Does the new normal just become normal? Will this whole thing just be a part of my past that is there, or will it continue to eat at me sometimes? Do the triggers ever go away, knowing that you are no longer with the one who caused all the pain?

HeBrokeVows posted 8/9/2014 00:27 AM

WH husband left us 2 1/2 months prior to me filing. The day I signed the papers, I finally had my first good night sleep in that amount of time. I finally felt like I gained control back of my life. I was making a statement that he could not do this to me anymore. I felt very protected by my lawyer and knew my rights and plan of action.

I was now in the drivers seat and that felt good to wake up everyone morning. I still think about him first thing in the morning sadly. In part because my kids mention him and I get that pain in my stomach of what he's done to our family. But it gets less as the days go on and they don't last as long. It's becoming the new normal. I'm still not comfortable in the new normal as I'm rewriting it. I still get triggered but again, it's less frequent and less intense. I'm 5 months out now from dday.

I know I'm healing because my anxiety now is about the future, not so much him. Nothing is settled yet in the divorce and I worry of course of what my financial future is going to look like. Will I get enough from him to be comfortable with two little kids? I'm a SAHM and how soon will I need to go back to work? What will our first Christmas look like? Things like that is what I think of. I have no doubt that I don't want this man in my life! It's moving forward that is hard.

Get yourself a good support system of family, friends, and therapist. It's been a life saver for me. Good luck!

Hopeful74 posted 8/9/2014 00:53 AM

Thanks HBV! I am 7 months out from DDay (I went to a lawyer the very next day), and 5 months from when he called me 'full of remorse'. I think I was very raw and vulnerable by his treatment of me the night I caught him, that I felt relief. But I really wish he had not called me that night in March. I would be much better off now! As far as my support system, I have an amazing family, I have found out I have some great friends and I have a therapist that seems to genuinely care about my well being and gets excited when I stumble upon realizations about myself! I feel I am on the right track, but I love the feedback from ones who have not only survived, but thrived. So thanks!

stronger08 posted 8/9/2014 02:41 AM

Like any other trauma it gets easier as time passes. And them being away really does help in healing. Just keep in mind that this is a process, not an event. Your not going to wake up the next day and feel perfectly OK. You certainly can quicken the process if you follow the advice of members who have been through it. I kind of messed up in the beginning. I dated too soon and with the wrong people, I did not seek help for what was obviously depression and anxiety, I mistook sex for emotional connections etc. I finally went back into therapy, took an entire year off from the dating scene and worked on myself. I got to know myself again and learned how to be happy with me. You'll be surprised at how much of yourself you give up to your spouse while M. Its like getting reacquainted with an old friend from many, many years ago. Except the old friend is you. And keep in mind that what worked for me might not be what will work for you. Just keep an open mind and remember that you know yourself the best. If you feel a certain areas of your life needs changing, well your usually correct. Accept any and all support and help that available. Things will get better in time if you allow yourself to heal, I promise you that.

Gemini71 posted 8/9/2014 07:48 AM

Yes, it does get better. NC really helps a lot. Eventually you get too busy with your new normal to worry about the asshat all the time.

I'm one year out, so I still get triggered occasionally, but it's a lot more anger than sorrow. When I look at how far I've come in the past year it's amazing. I really look forward to seeing where I'll be in another year.

Hopeful74 posted 8/9/2014 11:19 AM

Thanks everyone! Any advice on how to stop obsessing! I know he is seeing someone and he is denying it. I guess he thinks since he could work me over before, he can still do it. But I know what he is about now. I would love to have proof about his latest, but it really is a moot point because I am not taking him back when this blows up in his face, which it will! I am just so pissed about him trying to play me for a fool once again!!!!

badmedicine posted 8/9/2014 12:46 PM

Advice on how to stop tough!

My therapist talked to me about mindfulness. Whenever I get an obsessive thought (for me it's more about the OW and how great she must have been or comparing myself to her ) I am supposed to stop, acknowledge that the thought is there, and then explain to myself why it is there and that it basically serves no purpose. This is supposed to help the thoughts stop. So far I'm having mixed results. It's an idea though. Honestly it just took time. Lots of time. I'm a year out from dday and it is much better now. Someone else posted about doing an unpleasant task like cleaning the bathroom when you have these thoughts. I would have the most sparkling bathroom ever!! Maybe I will try that one, too.

Hopeful74 posted 8/9/2014 13:45 PM

Thanks badmedicine! My therapist has said basically the same thing! And, like you, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I think this week is especially hard because I have truly incorporated NC. And I had gotten used to talking to him again. An I am just so anxious because he always has one on me, because he plays with his head, while I was playing with my heart! And I am just not as conniving it sneaky as he is, so I just need i learn to let it go, it is not my problem anymore. I say that to myself a lot now!!!

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