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Horselady1 posted 8/9/2014 08:47 AM

I've been reading everyone's story and so many of them sound exactly like my story. It's actually sickening to know that so many people cheat. I was raised in a family where you didn't divorce and you didn't cheat. Again, just sickening. I'm still processing my WS's cheating and horrific lying. Have no idea of what I'm going to do. I can say that I want to run- split things, get on with my life and try to forget I ever knew this selfish prick. I feel as though 8 years in I have no idea of who he is. I likely never did. I'm just reeling.
Sadly, this is my second marriage. Guess why my first marriage got destroyed?? You got it- cheating. And I wasn't the one doing it. I feel as though I'm a magnet for conscienceless lying cheaters at this point.

[This message edited by Horselady1 at 8:48 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Holly-Isis posted 8/9/2014 10:23 AM


I'm sorry you're hear but the good news is all these people- since they've BTDT, they can be a good source of support and advice.

Take some time, read the Healing Library. I suggest the 180- people use it for unremorseful spouses to wake them up. It's not for that, its for you. So you can learn to focus on yourself. So often BSs have poured most of their energy into their WSs and/or kids. They have to relearn who they are. You can find it in BS FAQs #11.

It will help you move towards focusing on yourself. I find that's the first step in getting healthy so I could learn how I'm broken and so picked a broken man.

Skan posted 8/9/2014 11:31 AM

Welcome, Horselady. I'm glad that you found us for support, but not that you had the reason to come find us. As was mentioned above, look in the upper left corner in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library and start reading. A bunch of posts with red "targets"" next to them have been bumped up to the first page as well. Please read them too. All really good information by people who have BTDT. And right now, information and knowledge of "typical" cheater behaviors are going to be of help to you.

Listen. You didn't make the decision to cheat. Your WH did and your X did. YOU didn't force them to commit infidelity. It was their decision, their choice. They have to own that. You don't have the power to have physically forced them to do that. And whatever waa waa excuses that they make about being so unhappy, so tempted, so whatever, are exactly that excuses. You both were in the same marriage and only one of you felt the need and the utter disrespect and disregard to justify going outside of the marriage. And it wasn't you.

Make sure that you're staying hydrated, you're eating what you can, and get as much rest as possible. If you can't keep anything down, sip a whole-food nourishment drink (Ensure is one brand, there are several). You don't have to decide anything now. Use this weekend to try to read through here, detach as much as possible, and do some thinking about what you want, need, and deserve. And come back often for support. It can be slow on the weekends, but we're all here for you.

From one horselady to another, (((hugs))) (that means that I'm sending you multiple hugs).

HurtingandLost posted 8/9/2014 12:15 PM

Horselady, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Again. Apparently it is not uncommon to find yourself at this point with a second wayward spouse; I'm in the process of divorcing my stbx for her selfish b.s. lying cheating entitled behavior, which is reminiscent of my XW's b.s. as well.

I'm not sure if this applies or not, but in my case IC has been helpful in going through some childhood issues which demonstrate why I've gravitated towards partners such as STBX and X.

Hang in there. Take care of YOU, read from the healing library, if you feel the need for IC there is no shame in that. Take care of YOU and regardless of how your marriage works out YOU will come out of this stronger than ever before.

ChangeMaker posted 8/9/2014 20:46 PM

I feel for you Horselady. We all do. We've been there.

There are still good people out there who respect their relationships by remaining true. Most of us here are exactly those people; don't forget that. You are one of us too.

Right now, it's all about you. You. You. He was/is a selfish prick. Now it's your turn. Try not to give him any run time right now.

Post here as often as you feel. It will help. It sure as hell helped me.

Horselady1 posted 8/10/2014 00:09 AM

Thanks everyone. Had a big shock today and found out that he has still been in contact with her. I used the chart from about reconciliation and said that I was NOT going to deal with any rug sweeping. His choice. He did send an email approve by me and by our therapist that I THINK is the correct step. We have another counseling appointment on Monday. I will give it all I have but I won't tolerate the lying or her being in his life. And I definitely need help from the therapist to understand why I keep attracting this type of man. It's crushing me. I consider this man the love of my life

tfkeel posted 8/10/2014 01:31 AM

I feel as though I'm a magnet for conscienceless lying cheaters at this point.

I'm thinking there are just more of them in the "market". They are easily found, they come looking for us as "cheaters" to begin with.

The good ones are, for the most part, settled into permanent and lasting marriages already, and are unavailable.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 1:36 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

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