So, I've been reading stuff on this forum and the Healing library trying to find some comfort after just being devastated by the discovery of my husband's affair.
Last Saturday, I got up early to drive my daughter to her gardening club and saw a letter for my husband with the name ______________ Jail stamped on it written by a woman, who my husband had claimed was a friend he had met when he was in AA. She is a user and has been in and out of rehab and jail. The letter was a love letter with explicit sexual context and vows of love. I was in shock. I couldn't finish reading the letter. I dropped off my daughter and drove to a nearby park and had my beliefs ripped from me in one sitting. I came home and confronted my husband while he was still sleeping. He admitted to the affair and I asked him to leave the house with me so we could talk about it at without our other kids over hearing. I also needed to be somewhere semi public because I was afraid of what i would do,
He claimed that the sexual part of the affair was only a few months, but they pretty much did everything and she probably blew him in my car. He tried to answer all of my questions, but he has a terrible memory and couldn't recall all the details (he does have a terrible memory. He is on all kinds of meds and was a heavy drinker for many years. He has been sober for 5). I asked him if this was the first time she has written to the house and he said that he believed so ( I since found over half a dozen love letters from this woman).
I was in shock. He has been under employed for years and I know he has been depressed. I work long hours and take care of everything in our house, him, the kids, the bills and housekeeping. W have been together since I was 15 and we have been marred for twenty three years.
When I told him that I felt like I lost one of my best friends, he said he hadn't felt like my friend for a long time.
During the course of this other relationship we have never not been intimate. I feel like such a ridiculous fool because I believed him when he vowed that their relationship was not intimate and that she was someone he had tried to help. Knowing how helpless he felt in our marriage, I knew he had a need to try to make a difference in someone else's life/ So I ignored the late phone calls. I knew she was a user. so when she would call me and say he owed her money I ignored her. I ignored all the signs.
He had opened a PO box and had become the administrator to her SSI benefits because she needed someone to administrate her money. At one point in time, they even had a bank account together. He was picking up her mail while she was locked up and putting money in the commissary for her. I have been financial supporting this woman!
At this point their "relationship" hasn't been physical in a year and he claims he has been tired of it for a while but her threats against me kept him from totally breaking it off. OH, yes, She has stabbed him twice for trying to stop her from buying drugs. the last time, he told me someone attempted to rob him at knife point.
I can't look at him for long periods. He makes me ill. He used to be my favorite person and I had to hear his voice everyday. Knowing that he was intimate with her, gave her oral sex and that she writes poems of praise to his penis makes me physically ill. I can't hug him, I shy away from him in bed and I just avoid him physically.
He claims to have had no contact with her since May. She tries to call collect but he wont accept the charges. In his mind, he is done with her and claims to be happy this is all out in the open. He also says we are in two different stages with this and that he understands my anger and and will try to answer all of my questions honestly. I don't know what to ask anymore. I don't know if I want to find any more stuff out. I was cleaning out his office and saw all this stuff and I just had to stop. He told me he thinks I need to go through all of it and jsut see what I need to see. We ended up getting a new phone line for him and are about to cancel the one she keeps calling.
Guys, any advice on how not to be physically sickened or handle this chick in jail? I really don't want my kids finding out about this and she is a crazy train. e go to our first MC consult in two weeks. What to do till then?