"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nolongerbabes posted 8/9/2014 08:51 AM

So, I've been reading stuff on this forum and the Healing library trying to find some comfort after just being devastated by the discovery of my husband's affair.

Last Saturday, I got up early to drive my daughter to her gardening club and saw a letter for my husband with the name ______________ Jail stamped on it written by a woman, who my husband had claimed was a friend he had met when he was in AA. She is a user and has been in and out of rehab and jail. The letter was a love letter with explicit sexual context and vows of love. I was in shock. I couldn't finish reading the letter. I dropped off my daughter and drove to a nearby park and had my beliefs ripped from me in one sitting. I came home and confronted my husband while he was still sleeping. He admitted to the affair and I asked him to leave the house with me so we could talk about it at without our other kids over hearing. I also needed to be somewhere semi public because I was afraid of what i would do,
He claimed that the sexual part of the affair was only a few months, but they pretty much did everything and she probably blew him in my car. He tried to answer all of my questions, but he has a terrible memory and couldn't recall all the details (he does have a terrible memory. He is on all kinds of meds and was a heavy drinker for many years. He has been sober for 5). I asked him if this was the first time she has written to the house and he said that he believed so ( I since found over half a dozen love letters from this woman).
I was in shock. He has been under employed for years and I know he has been depressed. I work long hours and take care of everything in our house, him, the kids, the bills and housekeeping. W have been together since I was 15 and we have been marred for twenty three years.
When I told him that I felt like I lost one of my best friends, he said he hadn't felt like my friend for a long time.
During the course of this other relationship we have never not been intimate. I feel like such a ridiculous fool because I believed him when he vowed that their relationship was not intimate and that she was someone he had tried to help. Knowing how helpless he felt in our marriage, I knew he had a need to try to make a difference in someone else's life/ So I ignored the late phone calls. I knew she was a user. so when she would call me and say he owed her money I ignored her. I ignored all the signs.
He had opened a PO box and had become the administrator to her SSI benefits because she needed someone to administrate her money. At one point in time, they even had a bank account together. He was picking up her mail while she was locked up and putting money in the commissary for her. I have been financial supporting this woman!
At this point their "relationship" hasn't been physical in a year and he claims he has been tired of it for a while but her threats against me kept him from totally breaking it off. OH, yes, She has stabbed him twice for trying to stop her from buying drugs. the last time, he told me someone attempted to rob him at knife point.

I can't look at him for long periods. He makes me ill. He used to be my favorite person and I had to hear his voice everyday. Knowing that he was intimate with her, gave her oral sex and that she writes poems of praise to his penis makes me physically ill. I can't hug him, I shy away from him in bed and I just avoid him physically.

He claims to have had no contact with her since May. She tries to call collect but he wont accept the charges. In his mind, he is done with her and claims to be happy this is all out in the open. He also says we are in two different stages with this and that he understands my anger and and will try to answer all of my questions honestly. I don't know what to ask anymore. I don't know if I want to find any more stuff out. I was cleaning out his office and saw all this stuff and I just had to stop. He told me he thinks I need to go through all of it and jsut see what I need to see. We ended up getting a new phone line for him and are about to cancel the one she keeps calling.

Guys, any advice on how not to be physically sickened or handle this chick in jail? I really don't want my kids finding out about this and she is a crazy train. e go to our first MC consult in two weeks. What to do till then?

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/9/2014 09:36 AM

Nolongerbabes,

I'm so sorry that you've had to come to this place. The agony you feel must be overwhelming. I think that one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is BREATHE. How you're feeling is natural. You've been betrayed in many ways.

There is nothing that YOU should do to try to make yourself not be physically sickened. That's his job. If he is truly remorseful then he will ACT on being sorry and try to help you heal. Waiting two weeks for MC is going to be tough. I've been waiting two weeks myself, and I basically have about one more week.

I think that the way to deal with the OM is to force no contact. She THREATENED HARM to you and stabbed your husband TWICE. That should be more than enough to get a restraining order, which should also say no phone contact either.

He's right that you both are at two different stages in this. His stage is denial that he has to do anything to fix this other than let YOU play detective. YOU ARE PLAYING AN ACTIVE ROLE IN RECONCILIATION! HE IS NOT!

I wish I had a make happy wand to wave at you and a WAKE UP MOTHERF**KER club to whack him with but I don't. All I have left inside me to give you is to say I'm sorry that you're here too.

[This message edited by Not.the.Big.Easy at 9:37 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Schadenfreude posted 8/9/2014 09:52 AM

As long as she is in jail, you know there's no current PA and at best a limited EA. But she isn't serving a life sentence. The day she is released, will he be there to pick her up?

You have to decide whether you want to remain married,or not. That wil take a lot of thought and reflection on your part. The bad thing I see is a lack of remorse. Maybe he shows it, but it's not in your post...he seems to have a "shit happens" attitude in dealing with you.

Most rational people wouldn't have stuck around for the second stabbing. He is a huge fool to be involved,with this total whack job loser. I can see some new boyfriend shooting him out of jealousy. WH can't see beyond the tip of his you know what.

wk55hn posted 8/9/2014 10:13 AM

He should resign as SSI administrator for her.

He should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:14 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Holly-Isis posted 8/9/2014 10:15 AM

Honestly, you need to seriously consider whether you should even stay with him. She stabbed him once and he still stayed with her. A normal person without serious issues would leave. If she threatened you, a normal person would go to the cops after being stabbed. Unless he gets serious help- I'm talking more than AA because he obviously hasn't truly worked the program- then you should rethink having someone like this in your life and the lives of your kids. I'd be really wortried about anyone who could get involved in situations like that and still keep going back.

I would argue that he hasn't been sober for 5 years. He simply hasn't been drinking. Sobriety is more than not drinking, it's also dealing with the addictive issues that allowed him to drink. Instead of alcohol he turned his addiction to the OW. At the very least he needs to rework the program with a GOOD sponsor that will hold him accountable for his addictive behaviors whether they involve drinking or not.

The OW isn't the issue here so much as the harmful man living right in your own home. The OW- I'd turn her into the police and get a RO before she even gets out of prison. Then deal with the person who brought that danger into your life and the lives of your children.

k94ever posted 8/9/2014 10:46 AM

NLB, at this point MC won't help you two. HE needs IC to figure out what is wrong with him BESIDES the alcohol addiction that allowed him to have the affair.

Oh...and the crap about him being blackmailed into continuing the affair because she was going to tell you?? Bull Shit. 2 out of 5 WS's try using that line to justify staying in the affair. And him not remembering? Honey they ALL pull that line.

Both of you need to get tested for STD's even though they haven't had sex in a while. And talk to the jail administrator to see if there is some why they can restrict her from writing him.

He needs to stop being her financial administrator. Someone else can do it, or she can self-destruct.

Your WS is using you as a free ride. Put a stop to it now.

k9

k8la posted 8/9/2014 12:26 PM

First order of business. If he is to stay in the house at all, he must have a job, maybe two by the end of the week, if it's only flipping burgers. Non-negotiable. Private message me if you want to know why.

I had to do this when my D-Day rolled around. I already knew the consequences for me of ending the marriage and I was not going to be the one paying those consequences.

stronger08 posted 8/9/2014 12:28 PM

I'm sorry this is happening my friend. Welcome to our little club. I hate to say this but your WH is a lying bastard. Cheaters lie, that just what they do and he is lying to you about the history and current state of the A. First off SSI does not have an administrator for when people go to jail. Anyone who is incarcerated is supposed to inform SSI of that fact and their benefits are to stop for the duration of the incarceration. That's the law and if he is assisting her to defraud the SSA he is breaking the law as well. She very well may have needed a financial guardian for mental health reasons, but not for being jailed. And another thing is that SSI does not pay benefits to people claiming addiction issues. Again, they will pay benefits for mental disease resulting in drug use, but not for the drug use alone. If you really feel like doing your civic duty you might inform SSA of the deception. As for your WH he is handing you a bunch of bullshit. Its very possible he uses his position within AA to score women. Its a well known fact that guys do this often. As for his lapse of memory I call bullshit yet again. He remembers, he just refuses to tell you the truth. Bottom line is that your carrying the entire weight of the relationship and the household responsibilities on your shoulders. He contributes nothing to your life and now he is cheating on you. If I were you I'd show his lazy, cheating, bum ass the door. What exactly does he do for you ? Stop being his victim and cut this cancer from your life. Your certainly better off without him.

nolongerbabes posted 8/9/2014 14:36 PM

Thank you all for your posts. I should also clarify, WS is no longer her SSI person, but finding out that he continued that relationship after i told him not to do it was painful. I want to make sure that SSI stuff is canceled and he will never be contacted again for that. Yes, he is stupid. I also found his medical records. He has been tested for STDS recently, so have I on my annual exam.
I'm still processing all of this stuff and I haven't made any decisions until my shock wears off. During this week and the many conversations and confrontations, my husband has indicated that he realizes how stupid and toxic the relationship was, but that it made him feel needed. Of course, that hurt because I needed him as well.
Not ready for divorce. It pains me to say this but after reading the responses about leaving. my initial feeling was no.

Holly-Isis posted 8/9/2014 15:37 PM

You don't have to D. What you do need is clear consequences and expectations. IMO those should be pretty much set in stone or you'll be finding him seeking out other destructive behaviors.

He's still lying and in CYA mode- an example just off the top of my head- his claiming that he couldn't remember if she sent him other letters. I don't care how bad his memory is, that was a lie and he knew it was a lie. You found other letters. That means he got one, hid it and when he got the next- he remembered getting the first and where to hide it.

He's using your willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt. My guess is you've been in a dysfunctional M for so long that unhealthy looks normal to you. I empathize, BTDT after all.

Have you gone to AlAnon meetings? Rarely is an alcoholic in a bubble of dysfunction.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 3:37 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]

nolongerbabes posted 8/10/2014 08:58 AM

I have never been to ALAnon and I rarely ever talked about his alcoholism outside of of my marriage. Only a my family and a few friends knew that he had been in rehab. Someone on the thread commented that he was still BEHAVING like an alcoholic and I agreed. I realize I should have gone to counseling and meetings years ago, but didn't because I was ashamed of the situation and I didn't want to be so open. This is the first time I have ever even posted about our marriage.
I have been reading a lot of stuff online and I want to understand and come to terms with what has happened in my marriage. We always said this marriage was it for us and now that may not be true.
I agree that my WS is a liar. He wants to be a good person, but he is also incredible deceptive and secretive. He does not defend himself or offer excuses about what he did. One of the reasons I am contemplating working on this marriage is that prior to all of this if I had asked to go to counseling he would have said, "whatever"even if we were in a fight and now he was invested in it even though it means more stuff is going to come out.
Last night, after reading your posts on my phone (I don't use my computer because it is in a common living area in our home and I don't want the kids reading over my shoulders)I became upset about how stupid I ws being and I talked to him about other stuff that I had come across in his room. Though he had told me about them, it still bothered me. I could tell he was agitated, hungry and in pain and he answered and clarified all of my questions. Additionally, because he has not "replenished" the money on the OWs jail account, she continues to try to call collect on his soon defunct phone.. He doesn't answer, but that is a constant reminder that she is still pursuing it. He also had to show me the email from the post office canceling his account for non-payment. He also said he would go to SSA and ask for a letter that he was no longer an administrator on her account on Monday, because I needed proof that the aspect of the relationship was well and truly over. He says that since she is in jail she is no longer receiving benefits and this is a moot point, but he is still going to get the letter for me.
Talking about the risks of STDS with him again was painful because when I mentioned that he went to get tested, probably thinking he had something, he never warned me and put me at risk. He seemed ashamed and he had no response other than if he had something, he would have been forced to tell me then. I said you still continued to be involved with someone you knew was sketchy and could give you and me something, even after having the scare. I can't trust your judgement or you. We talked for about an hour and he said that even though he knows I will never trust him again, he still wanted to be there in the room with me and answer the questions.
As for the job situation, he has applied to two positions, one that may be out of his reach because of the petty larceny charge. He is a tech guy and can fix computers, so I told him to put out a craigslist ad to see if anyone was looking for computer help and he could get some money that way cause I'm no paying for his stuff anymore.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/10/2014 11:50 AM

I was in shock. He has been under employed for years and I know he has been depressed. I work long hours and take care of everything in our house, him, the kids, the bills and housekeeping. W have been together since I was 15 and we have been marred for twenty three years.

So basically, he sounds like just another of your children. He has a crap job, refuses to lift a finger around the house, thinks it's fine that you support the family AND do all the housework, etc. and he's 'depressed.' Hell, I'M depressed just reading about how taken advantage of you are. I guess he's incapable of scrubbing a toilet or vacuuming a floor in your house, but he was quite capable of being his OW's step 'n fetch it boy and tending to all her affairs - using YOUR money to do it.

You seriously need to ask yourself why you'd even want someone like this in your life. From the way you've described him, he sounds like a parasite. He's someone who thinks so little of you that he'll watch you work your ASS off day after day supporting the household while he does the bare minimum and then thinks it's perfectly ok to take YOUR hard earned money and hand it off to some bimbo who writes him penis poems.

You're smart not to be touching him. While he claims to be sober for 5 years, apparently he still likes to hang out with the dregs of society such as junkies and what-not. Doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job following the 12 steps in AA because they always counsel you to stay away from those who will drag you right back down to where you used to be - and she's about as 'down' as it gets. So you're smart not to be touching him; the LAST thing you need to do is allow him to pass on an STD to you on top of everything else.

During this week and the many conversations and confrontations, my husband has indicated that he realizes how stupid and toxic the relationship was, but that it made him feel needed.

What a cop out. So I guess all this is YOUR fault, is that his contention? Poor neglected baby! The fact that he refuses to support the family like he SHOULD be doing and refuses to lift a finger around the house because he's too lazy and self-entitled and thinks YOU should be doing it all, means you have no needs, is that it? Because you're too busy doing HIS job, he had to feel 'needed' elsewhere. I guess you needing him to man the hell up and do RIGHT by his family wasn't the exciting kind of 'needy' he was looking for.

You know what, Nolongerbabes? I was married to a recovering alcoholic who was approximately 5 years sober when we married. And I came to find out that some of these people are the most selfish, self-entitled, self-absorbed sons-of-bitches on the planet. I, too, worked my ass off in the home AND held down a full time job with a 1.5 hour commute each way and he did NOTHING when he was home. He was a good provider so at least he had that working for him. But I worked my fingers to the bone around the house and he did NOTHING but lay around watching TV. And every thing wrong in his life was always someone ELSE'S fault - never his. Always someone else's - or MINE, of course. Yes, I alone am responsible for world hunger, unrest in the middle east, and global warming. Pffft.

Here's a newsflash - he'll NEVER take accountability for his rotten behavior. Tell him if he wants to feel 'needed' so bad, maybe he should stop slacking off and actually take responsibility at HOME for the first time in his life. I'm sorry, I have zero patience for men like this who suck women dry and do the absolute minimum in life. Been there, done that and I'll never do it again.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:55 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

k8la posted 8/10/2014 14:28 PM

Do not take the divorce step yet. Insist, while you have the leverage of guilt and surprise that he must have at least one job or move out. That will buy him time to demonstrate true remorse and an attitude of recovery instead of entitlement. But it will help you either way.

nolongerbabes posted 8/12/2014 07:55 AM

Thanks for your posts. You are all saying the things that I have been thinking about all week. I didn't get a chance to get on the computer yesterday to respond. Something happened that triggered a memory for me and I didn't talk to my WH all day, except to say that he needed to finish applying for jobs and updating his resume. He told me that he would be going today to get an Order of protection against the OW, without my prompting and all I aid was ok and left it at that.
The job situation was paramount and I just told him that whatever happened between us that he would still need a job in order to get his life together.
Did I think he was a parasite? Many times I wss resentful of his underemployment. I made 9x more money than he did and I couldn't depend on him to pay major bills. He took care of his medial bills, phone, gas, etc..but he didn't pay household bills. I often called him my 4th child and I hated the role I found myself in.
I also wondered all week, why am I still here? Any sane person would be done. But I guess I have to feel like it is done and im not there yet.
However, I am still thinking about your advice and posts, because they make me think about things through a different lens.

Edith posted 8/12/2014 16:09 PM

Hi NLB,
I am so sorry to read of your horrible ordeal. An OW in jail?! Really?!? While he has a devoted wife who has been through hell with him, through his addiction issues, unemployment, depression, laziness, lack of self esteem and above all lack of WORTHINESS. He does not deserve you!!

That said, he is looking to feel needed?!? Maybe he should look right under his nose! This man is a giant baby! I think if nothing else he could get 3 part-time jobs to help support you and his children. And that should keep him too busy to have any recreational activities on the side.

I hope you can take a long, hard and very serious look at this man you are married to. Just because you have been with him since you were 15 does not mean to have to stay with him forever. The one thing in your post where I agree with him is this:

he said he hadn't felt like my friend for a long time.

Please try to objectively look at your M and decide whether it is worth saving. I am almost 5 years out and still hurt from it every day. My H also gave his slob money, it is clear as day that they are being used, but that fragile male ego.... And don't even get me started on the Prison Skank's poetry....

My advice would be to call the jail and tell the warden you do not want any phone calls from Prison Skank. Meanwhile, I am hoping she rots in the Graybar Hotel.

Take good care of yourself, NLB. You deserve so much better than this.

E.