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If the bff isn't a fom

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Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/9/2014 09:20 AM

What do you do if your WS BFF isn't a FOM? My wife finally admitted that her BFF knew that she was attracted to the OM before the second meeting. If my wifes timeline is correct, then her BFF suggesting she see the OM means her BFF betrayed me too. She had previously expressed doubts about how my wife could marry me because of beliefs that the BFF thought I held.

If my wifes timeline isn't correct though, then she used her BFF as a shield to hide the source of the suggestion or if there was a source other than WS.

My WS is still at her parents. So R still hasn't really started. We talk a little about it, but when we do it just turns into an arguement. I think that we can fix our marriage and make it better, but it's so hard because right now, I'm alone so all the thoughts just go around in my head, and grow and fester until I'm raging angry. It's tough. I'm tired of always being the strong one.

Schadenfreude posted 8/9/2014 10:42 AM

R won't start until you have a remorseful wife. Not telling lies is one facet of the remorse. You, per your post, don't know if she's telling lies or not.

To offer R to a WW who has not demonstrated sorrow at what she's done takes a great leap of faith. It also provides her with opportunity to fence sit re continuing in infidelity or continuing in marriage.

Concentrating on side issues such as role of her BFF simply distracts you from the huge issue you face: can I attempt to R with WW? What are her signs of remorse versus regret that her time in fantasyland is disrupted?

I'm sorry this doesn't respond to your question, but the fact that you asked it made me think about your situation. As is oft said, the nice thing about SI is that you can take what you want and ignore the rest.

wk55hn posted 8/9/2014 10:49 AM

I say you fight your battles one at a time. Save the friends of the marriage fight for another day.

To me, it would be unacceptable for her to keep a friend who encouraged cheating, but so too would any argument about her cheating be unacceptable to me. I was not willing to "negotiate" about anything to do with the affair.

Does your wife bring up her friend's opinions when you argue? What do you argue about? Is your wife talking to the friend and getting the "you shouldn't have to put up with that from him" and "how dare he say that to you" and "you have the right to be happy" type feedback from her friend?

authenticnow posted 8/9/2014 10:50 AM

My bff and I are no longer friends. It took awhile for BH to come to terms with the betrayal from her as well (our families were friends), but he had a long talk with her to explain his feelings. The dealbreaker was her response. She wasn't sorry (not even for hurting him). She felt that I did what I had to do, that if 'he had been a better husband' I wouldn't have cheated...a ton of crap like that. Even if she would have said, 'AN put me in a bad position, I didn't know what to do, I'm sorry you got hurt', that would have been enough for my H.

He even asked her, 'What if your H asked me to drive him to see somebody else? What if he asked me to drive him to a prostitute or something of that nature?' Her answer was, 'He would never do that.'

Her whole attitude of non remorse and blameshifting to my H, and basically not even being able to express sorrow for hurting him made me realize that this is not someone who we want in our lives.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/9/2014 12:25 PM

My H dropped his BFF all on his own. He knew the last thing he needed was a BFF that was not a FOM. I didn't have to ask, he knew that the BFF was not going to help matters and was willing to do anything it takes to save the M. My H's focus turned to his wife and kids which is where it should've been all along. Don't accept anything less - you deserve more.

Badhurt posted 8/9/2014 19:44 PM

I agree that you should leave the BFF battle for another day since you are really not in R yet, and if you start argument over that it could cloud things. You do eventually need the truth on that. i'd say this friend is NOT your friend either way.

That being said, if your WW wife had not expressed an interest in this guy and acted upon it, the above would be unimportant. Your wife called the guy and was the major instigator here, and has lied to you repeatedly.

And are you absolutely sure this was not a PA rather than the beginning of EA.
Lastly do not assume this guy is terrified of you. While your wife is at her mothers, I would bet anything you want that if she contacts him and wants to meet him, he will bang her in a new York second, and tell you to stick it.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get it resolved for your peace of mind.

craig2001 posted 8/9/2014 20:15 PM

If my wifes timeline is correct, then her BFF suggesting she see the OM means her BFF betrayed me too. She had previously expressed doubts about how my wife could marry me because of beliefs that the BFF thought I held.
So the whole question about her best friend concerns the timeline.

Her honesty is what is main focus here. If the timeline is correct, as your wife has given it to you, then it is time to sit down face to face with your wife and discuss the timeline, and that would include the BFF, since that is part of this timeline.

Discussing this with your wife will tell you if the timeline is a lie or not.

If you bring this up and your wife hemhaws around about the best friend, then you will know the timeline is a lie.

This is the point where you catch the WS in lies. Its the little things like this that a BS catches and goes right by the WS.

Maybe it is time to sit down face to face at the dining room table and discuss this timeline.

If it is accurate, than xyz happened.

If the best friend did not do this, than the whole timeline is wrong, lying continues and you're back to square one.

Is your wife blaming the affair on the best friend and using her as an excuse...of course that is weak. If her best friend suggested your wife be totally honest with you, would she. If her best friend suggested she fly like a bird, would she. No and No.

I only say that so you can point out to your wife just how weak using someone elses suggesting is to have an affair.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/9/2014 20:58 PM

My WW isn't blaming her friend for the EA. I have been the one pushing to find out when BFF actually knew about things. My WW first said that BFF didn't know about anything prior to the second meeting. But you know how TT is. It wasn't until I was really looking over the call timing that I realized that the verbal and call timeline didn't match. I also kept pushing because I could not believe that after she spoke to OM on the phone for 38 minutes and then she called BFF and spoke for 15 minutes that the issue with OM didn't come up. Finally, last night she admitted that BFF did know about the OM before the suggestion for the get-together.

I understand that this is all about the timeline. I know the actual timeline of calls made. The version of the timeline as she described it couldn't match the actual timeline. That is why I know that if the BFF did suggest it then my WW's story falls apart, and if she didn't suggest it my WW's story falls apart. Only one of three people could have suggested the get-together, BFF, WW, or OM.

What the timeline of calls shows is that my WW initiated all the calls to OM. The call from BFF was the night before, so there was nothing spontaneous about it. As I know of the BFF's previous statements which actually indicate a lack of respect for me, simply because we disagree on beliefs, that makes the suggestion for WW to see OM just another god-damned kick in the head.

We will be in MC soon. I'm not going to discuss the reason, the timeline, the BFF's involvement or much else about the EA until then because we just end up in a scream fest (mostly me). And I really need a neutral party to remind me to use my indoor voice.

Until recently I kept negative emotions buried deep inside me. I've begun accepting the legitimacy of my feelings and learning that it's ok to express them. Unfortunately, one of my biggest fears about expressing my anger has come true. The geyser of evil black rage that bursts out of me is difficult to control. As Disturbed wrote in 'The Sickness', "The world is a scary place, Now that you've woken up the demon in me"

Badhurt posted 8/9/2014 21:07 PM

And you still think at the "get together " that only OM showed up at that nothing happened when your WW instigated the whole thing. Her BFF and second guy probably disappeared so they could be alone.
This was more than EA. an EA does not involve a physical date together and if they were alone you have no idea what happened or did not. I am sure the BFF knows.
If you are in same house again you need a VAR in her car
As you said, you know how TT is
Your wife pursued this guy. For what. Friendship? You know the answer to that one

BtraydWife posted 8/9/2014 23:23 PM

Another one saying the fom issue should wait until you know if you have a future with her.

But in the future, anyone complicit in the As has to go. You won't be able to feel safe with their presence.

wk55hn posted 8/9/2014 23:36 PM

Keeping the bff in the picture for now probably is a good thing for you. If your wife moves back in with you, you can put a voice-activated recorder in the car and she probably will confide in her bff. Then you will know the truth, if you don't have it already by then.

I can't make heads or tails of what's going on with the phone calls and meetups and timelines between WW, OM, and BFF, but my general impression is that your WW is trying to keep all her options open.

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