If my wifes timeline isn't correct though, then she used her BFF as a shield to hide the source of the suggestion or if there was a source other than WS.
My WS is still at her parents. So R still hasn't really started. We talk a little about it, but when we do it just turns into an arguement. I think that we can fix our marriage and make it better, but it's so hard because right now, I'm alone so all the thoughts just go around in my head, and grow and fester until I'm raging angry. It's tough. I'm tired of always being the strong one.
To offer R to a WW who has not demonstrated sorrow at what she's done takes a great leap of faith. It also provides her with opportunity to fence sit re continuing in infidelity or continuing in marriage.
Concentrating on side issues such as role of her BFF simply distracts you from the huge issue you face: can I attempt to R with WW? What are her signs of remorse versus regret that her time in fantasyland is disrupted?
I'm sorry this doesn't respond to your question, but the fact that you asked it made me think about your situation. As is oft said, the nice thing about SI is that you can take what you want and ignore the rest.
To me, it would be unacceptable for her to keep a friend who encouraged cheating, but so too would any argument about her cheating be unacceptable to me. I was not willing to "negotiate" about anything to do with the affair.
Does your wife bring up her friend's opinions when you argue? What do you argue about? Is your wife talking to the friend and getting the "you shouldn't have to put up with that from him" and "how dare he say that to you" and "you have the right to be happy" type feedback from her friend?
He even asked her, 'What if your H asked me to drive him to see somebody else? What if he asked me to drive him to a prostitute or something of that nature?' Her answer was, 'He would never do that.'
Her whole attitude of non remorse and blameshifting to my H, and basically not even being able to express sorrow for hurting him made me realize that this is not someone who we want in our lives.
That being said, if your WW wife had not expressed an interest in this guy and acted upon it, the above would be unimportant. Your wife called the guy and was the major instigator here, and has lied to you repeatedly.
And are you absolutely sure this was not a PA rather than the beginning of EA.
Lastly do not assume this guy is terrified of you. While your wife is at her mothers, I would bet anything you want that if she contacts him and wants to meet him, he will bang her in a new York second, and tell you to stick it.
I hope you can get to the bottom of this and get it resolved for your peace of mind.
If my wifes timeline is correct, then her BFF suggesting she see the OM means her BFF betrayed me too. She had previously expressed doubts about how my wife could marry me because of beliefs that the BFF thought I held.
Her honesty is what is main focus here. If the timeline is correct, as your wife has given it to you, then it is time to sit down face to face with your wife and discuss the timeline, and that would include the BFF, since that is part of this timeline.
Discussing this with your wife will tell you if the timeline is a lie or not.
If you bring this up and your wife hemhaws around about the best friend, then you will know the timeline is a lie.
This is the point where you catch the WS in lies. Its the little things like this that a BS catches and goes right by the WS.
Maybe it is time to sit down face to face at the dining room table and discuss this timeline.
If it is accurate, than xyz happened.
If the best friend did not do this, than the whole timeline is wrong, lying continues and you're back to square one.
Is your wife blaming the affair on the best friend and using her as an excuse...of course that is weak. If her best friend suggested your wife be totally honest with you, would she. If her best friend suggested she fly like a bird, would she. No and No.
I only say that so you can point out to your wife just how weak using someone elses suggesting is to have an affair.
I understand that this is all about the timeline. I know the actual timeline of calls made. The version of the timeline as she described it couldn't match the actual timeline. That is why I know that if the BFF did suggest it then my WW's story falls apart, and if she didn't suggest it my WW's story falls apart. Only one of three people could have suggested the get-together, BFF, WW, or OM.
What the timeline of calls shows is that my WW initiated all the calls to OM. The call from BFF was the night before, so there was nothing spontaneous about it. As I know of the BFF's previous statements which actually indicate a lack of respect for me, simply because we disagree on beliefs, that makes the suggestion for WW to see OM just another god-damned kick in the head.
We will be in MC soon. I'm not going to discuss the reason, the timeline, the BFF's involvement or much else about the EA until then because we just end up in a scream fest (mostly me). And I really need a neutral party to remind me to use my indoor voice.
Until recently I kept negative emotions buried deep inside me. I've begun accepting the legitimacy of my feelings and learning that it's ok to express them. Unfortunately, one of my biggest fears about expressing my anger has come true. The geyser of evil black rage that bursts out of me is difficult to control. As Disturbed wrote in 'The Sickness', "The world is a scary place, Now that you've woken up the demon in me"
But in the future, anyone complicit in the As has to go. You won't be able to feel safe with their presence.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I can't make heads or tails of what's going on with the phone calls and meetups and timelines between WW, OM, and BFF, but my general impression is that your WW is trying to keep all her options open.