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velveteer posted 8/9/2014 09:57 AM

Hi all - first post in a long time but once again I find myself seeking SI wisdom.

So I'm now D, and without any SO. This is fine. XW is also single as her and OM hit the skids before Xmas.

So XW has been 'sniffing around'. A lot. Always based around the kids - wanting to go for dinner, do stuff, etc. Mostly this is fine, but only up to a point. But three things bother me:
1. This is stirring in me feelings I have not had for a long time. Feelings for her. This is troubling.
2. There is a risk of confusion for the kids and I have raised this with her but she persists - this is on mind.
3. This kind of behaviour would be unacceptable to any new SO (on either side) and rightly so - poor boundaries

Not really sure what to ask here, but I suppose for the first time in a very long time the shadow of R has entered my head - could it be done? Do I want it? Would she?

I don't really have answers but what I do know is that the hurt and the anger has gone. I am wary. Very wary. And yet there is some longing. I am enjoying seeing her more but maybe that's just me being in a vulnerable place. Dunno.

Should I just be upfront and ask her what's going on here? Or step away from the flames?

[This message edited by velveteer at 9:58 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Amazonia posted 8/9/2014 11:14 AM

Should I just be upfront and ask her what's going on here? Or step away from the flames?

It sounds like you already know what's going on. Is your ex introspective, intentional and honest enough to be able to tell you if she's actually changed from the time you got divorced? I mean, something prevented you from choosing to stay married back in the day - unless that factor or element is removed, going back doesn't seem like a good choice now.

What answer from her would be satisfactory to you, what would be enough to make you want to go back?

I think you need to evaluate this the same way you would evaluate any other potential relationship - what do you need, what do you want, and can this person fulfill those things for you? What does she need, what does she wants, and can you fulfill those things (and do you want to) for her?

I think it can be easy to sort of make excuses or "give a pass" to someone with whom we have a history, because long term relationships do require so much compromise, but that's not a level of compromise you want to see in a new relationship, even with an old flame. You owe it to yourself to treat this as a new potential thing, not the rekindling of something former.

cmego posted 8/9/2014 11:52 AM

I think it is normal to have "those feelings" when the ex is sniffing around.

But, my fear is always the only reason he "sniffs" is because HIS new beginning isn't going as planned and he misses an intact family. I'm his soft place to land.

There was a comment a few weeks ago about remembering how much liked sex. My first thought was, "Hmmm...guess your boyfriend isn't putting out any more..." Like, they can see glimpses of what they had, miss those parts of us, and start sniffing.

It is confusing at best, but, for me, it will never be worth it. We can function as good co-parents and that is where I will always leave it regardless of what he says or does.

I could never go back. I just acknowledge that "those feelings" of wanting normalcy are...normal. But those feeling don't mean, just because I also miss parts of him, that I would ever go down that road again.

I'd have a real talk with her and see where she is...but I tend to be very direct in my communication...

Brandon808 posted 8/9/2014 12:25 PM

Step away. In my opinion this is not her learning a lesson except that she wants/needs to be in a relationship. My instinct of it is that she is hanging around more to bait you into making the first move. She broke it. She needs to fix it. She needs to be direct, transparent and authentic.
Also, I think the moment she starts getting attention from another guy this sniffing around will cease. By taking this approach she leaves herself an out.
If she wants R then she needs to work up some courage and talk to you about it.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/9/2014 15:36 PM

Oh, velveteer. Put your walls up and tighten your boundaries. Imagine me as the robot from "Lost in Space" waving my arms around and saying "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!"

I agree with previous posters. Especially Brandon's advice. What has she really done to "fix" herself? I know you haven't forgotten how extremely selfish she was acting, and how the children's best interest wasn't always her priority. I do believe she, at times, went out of her way to be cruel to you, even. I'm glad that you have moved on from the pain of all of that, but that doesn't mean that your XW has changed in any significant way to ensure that she will not behave in such a manner again.

You are a lovely man and a wonderful father, however, I would imagine you are Plan B for your XW. You are not a Plan B, velveteer. Make sure, please, that you don't settle for that.

(((velveteer)))

Nature_Girl posted 8/9/2014 16:38 PM

I agree with Brandon & SisterM. What you're describing just sounds like a woman who doesn't know what to do with herself when she's not in a relationship. She's bored, you're there, and so she hints around.

Abbondad posted 8/9/2014 17:17 PM

Velveteer,

You were there for me from the very beginnings of my sad saga. You gave me hard advice, which at the time I was not prepared to accept or follow. When my XW was hoovering, you knew it before I did and called it what it clearly was: I was her Plan B. It was cruel and heartless and unimaginably selfish. The reason you were always right on was because you had been through it. So I will offer what I believe you would say--and did say--to me, and what I believe is happening now to you:

She is sorry for herself and the awful decisions she made in her life--decisions that affected you and your children. She brought you pain, knowing full well that you were suffering. This is what she was capable of. This is who she was. And, IMO, this is who she still is. I still yearn for the woman I thought my XW was, but then I remember the astonishingly vile behavior and actions and I know that what I feel, while natural, are the wisps of my own leftover fog. I predict that some day my XW's fantasy world will crash as well, and she will do her own sniffing. And I hope to have the strength to see it for what it is. And I hope you do as well.

Just my opinion. Thank you for everything you did for me.

norabird posted 8/10/2014 01:42 AM

((((Velveteer))))

No advice. I do believe that if a wayward wants R they need to do the work of bringing it up, being upfront and direct and honest. I'm sorry that it affects you this way when she noses around; it's not fun, but it's a natural reaction.

Keep taking care of you, whatever that entails.

velveteer posted 8/10/2014 02:39 AM

Thanks folks. You are of course right.

She is not being direct, transparent and probably not authentic. In a recent conversation it became clear that she has still not taken responsibility for her actions and in fact it's still my fault! She was angry with me ....blah blah blah .

She hasn't changed. I know that. She just can't be alone. She's using me for support and comfort and I have been allowing it. I guess I had to let out some rope here just to see what was going on but if I'm honest I knew anyway.

Will now resume normal service but it bothers me that she can still get under my skin. Very easy to let the guard slip even as far down the road as this.

V

homewrecked2011 posted 8/10/2014 03:10 AM

I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like Hoovering to me...

Next time she wants to do something,, tell her she can go to a counselor for about 6 months solid, own her own shit, and THEN maybe you'll do something with her.

SBB posted 8/10/2014 04:16 AM

But, my fear is always the only reason he "sniffs" is because HIS new beginning isn't going as planned and he misses an intact family. I'm his soft place to land.

THIS. This. A thousand times this.

I fully expect the sad clown to be on his face at my feet when this ridiculous relationship ends. Right up until the parasite finds a new host. He doesn't yet know that I am completely impervious.

There are no fish in this pond.
This pond has no water.
Fuck.Off.

It is like having lost a hand in the leaf cutter and sitting there wondering if you tried it with your other hand would it maybe feel nice and take away the pain of losing that first hand? There's a chance, right? You might prevail over the leaf cutter!! Victory.

No. You'll lose your remaining hand which is so much more important to you now since you lost your other one.

Don't be reckless with it.

Do me a favour and go jam the door on your hand hard a few times then have a think about if you want to do it to your other hand too.

Shields up.

[This message edited by SBB at 4:18 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Amazonia posted 8/10/2014 07:46 AM

it bothers me that she can still get under my skin. Very easy to let the guard slip even as far down the road as this.

What is it NIK says? "They can push our buttons because they installed the fuckers," isn't that how it goes?

Look, you were wondering for about 48 hours (not even so strong an emotion as hoping), you recognized something was off, you came to a safe space, you talked it out, and you are moving forward in the right/healthy direction. That sounds pretty darn healthy to me.

velveteer posted 8/11/2014 02:16 AM

thanks Ama and everyone. More weird stuff has emerged but maybe another time....for now, it doesn't matter.
V

cvs2kkids posted 8/11/2014 09:59 AM

They can push our buttons because they installed the fuckers,"

I giggle every time I see this.

Now back to Velveteer, well R is possible, the question is always authenticity. Really hard for SI group to know, but you should.

And remember, you're never starting over fresh. You wave the right with your FWW to keep her under scrutiny. Complete transparency!! You have a history and it's really messed up.

Chances are, safer to walk away, but if you get drawn in, be extra careful!!


velveteer posted 8/11/2014 10:57 AM

Thanks cvs.....I know R is, in theory, possible, but I see little of what I would consider authenticity - what I see is game playing. I am NOT playing games with this woman.

SBB's leaf cutter analogy works for me and I think I prefer to keep my hand!!

thanks all for helping me stay the course here...

V


sparkysable posted 8/11/2014 11:07 AM

It is like having lost a hand in the leaf cutter and sitting there wondering if you tried it with your other hand would it maybe feel nice and take away the pain of losing that first hand? There's a chance, right? You might prevail over the leaf cutter!! Victory.

No. You'll lose your remaining hand which is so much more important to you now since you lost your other one.

Don't be reckless with it.

I LOVE this!! Such a good analogy.

Brandon808 posted 8/11/2014 11:28 AM

In a recent conversation it became clear that she has still not taken responsibility for her actions and in fact it's still my fault! She was angry with me ....blah blah blah .
I was about write something humorous and terribly sarcastic but then I realized there was no point.
There is no point because any sarcasm, any truth, any sincere expression of feelings would be lost on her. It all goes through her narcissistic filter through which she perceives the world.

Detachment through distance. Just what is necessary to co-parent. Nothing more.

Commanche1 posted 8/11/2014 16:12 PM

velveteer, Be upfront, Tell her, You left me for another man, you rejected reconciliation when offered, this is all on you, you do not get to blame me for any of this, you do not get to flip an attitude. If you were up front, honest and direct, if you went to IC to get at the root of your problems, then maybe you might have a chance, but right now my give a damn is busted and you fired me from my job as your husband.

nowiknow23 posted 8/11/2014 16:22 PM

Will now resume normal service but it bothers me that she can still get under my skin. Very easy to let the guard slip even as far down the road as this.
This smacks me around from time to time, too. Just the other day wasband made an offhand (and petty) comment to me that worked its way under my skin, far deeper than I care to admit. I'm a little pissed off at myself for letting it sink in, to be honest.

I'm working on shaking it off. It seems like you are, too. But I'll be damned if that stuff doesn't still sting. ((((velveteer))))

Forged1 posted 8/11/2014 20:49 PM

Velveteer, I think the above may be an appropriate card for your XW.

Sorry - couldn't find one with a dude making the call.

The SI sisterhood are, of course, free to deploy the above as is.

Weapons free, folks. Targets front. Engage at will.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 8:52 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

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