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zctmmom posted 8/9/2014 11:36 AM

WH has apologized...but won't take responsibility or give mean timeline of events for when he broke my trust (again). He is treating me wonderfully...as long as I don't show any negative feelings at all...in fact...if I go along with him...we could be newlyweds the way he acts.If I do show my true emotions then he becomes passive aggressive. "Oh poor me..I have to take what you dish out cause I messed up",Or "I tell you I love you and you (me) barely respond. How am I supposed to work on this when YOU won't?"

He also challenged me to work on my own issues and equated my self esteem and weight issues to his pornography and lying.

I actually took that bit of advice from him and saw a counselor last night for the first time.

but I don't know how to respond to the rest of this crap...

I have not made a decision to stay or go yet....I want to take my time and think about what I want, but I don't know how to answer some of these power plays on his part!!

HurtingandLost posted 8/9/2014 11:39 AM

Rug sweeping 101. Pretend it didn't happen so he can avoid dealing with his issues and he will continue to be lovey dovey....until it happens again.

Skan posted 8/9/2014 13:16 PM

This is classic, classic cheater behavior. He's trying desperately to get you to agree that he did a boo boo and, by saying Sorrrry, My Bad, that all is now peaches and cream. And if you don't play his little game, then you are a Bad Person for not forgiving him for his little mistake. Classic, I tell you.

Opt out of the game. He's rigged it. Apologies without actions are just words, blah blah blah. I would indeed, go to that councilor, but I would be talking about why you feel like you have to dance to the tune he wants to play, instead of sitting the dance out and reading a good book or doing something actually helpful to you.

Bottom line, he is not working on the marriage and healing you. He's working on getting you to agree that it's not that big of a deal and that he's off the hook. Detach. 180 and figure out what you need and deserve. Tune out his words turn the volume down on his pity me radio and only look at what actions he performs. Actions truly do speak far louder than words right now, and his actions say that he is only interested in covering his ass.

BtraydWife posted 8/9/2014 22:50 PM

Rugsweeping is not treating you wonderfully. Being treated wonderfully doesn't come with conditions. With rugsweeping, if you don't comply, Mr Nice Guy goes byebye.

This isn't nice, this is blatant manipulation. And the passive aggressive stuff is too. Very glad you can see that.

I agree with skan. Don't engage him, there is no winning his power plays. Pull back and put the 180 in place. Start focusing on you instead of him. Stop doing whatever wife stuff you do. I stopped cooking and doing his laundry. You do the same. He's not going to help you heal, then he loses his free maid. Your house isn't his personal Hilton and you aren't on that dickhead's payroll.

Good for you for starting IC. That will help you.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:51 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 8/9/2014 23:02 PM

What he's doing isn't right. It's manipulated and mentally cruel. He's telling you to do it his way and turning the tables on you. As a therapist myself (not currently practicing), I'm curious to know what your therapist said about this comment "He also challenged me to work on my own issues and equated my self esteem and weight issues to his pornography and lying". I hope to God you walked out of that session at least knowing 100% of that statement is not true.

I have a feeling if you do have your own issues in things such self esteem, once you sort them out you will know what your answer will be to this man about staying!

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/9/2014 23:14 PM

Your H does not understand how deeply his betrayal hurt you. He doesn't sound remorseful. That passive aggressive bullshit would send me over the edge.

You've gotten some really good advice. Good luck.

Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 01:14 AM

My ws did the same thing. All was,well as long as I stuffed my feelings and didn't try to make him feel bad. He also brought uo weight and said I was punishing him because I was insecure. It's all bullshit! He's not taking responsibility for what he's done and blaming you for not letting it go already.
This is not R, just like I was told by a member when I joined. True R does not mean bs shuts up and doesn't upset the ws by asking questions. I'm sorry he's doing this. It's not a fun way to live and your wounds will fester in time.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:16 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

zctmmom posted 8/10/2014 07:27 AM

Thanks everyone. My first IC was mainly a dump session and initial goal setting for ME. I intend to share what WH said about my issues in our next session. WH hasoved on to using the IC session against me now. He is a victim of his impulses..he doesn't know why he does porn/set up an escort/had an EA..I am judging him because I have already started therapy....poor muffin

I want to run away so bad...but I am staying till I know what I want for sure. I have a place to go..but I want to go because I am in a healthy place..not because I want to hurt him. Also you know..money issues..yadda yadda..


jjct posted 8/10/2014 07:37 AM

I don't know how to answer some of these power plays on his part!!

Don't play. Quit that game. It's his (manipulation of you).

I want to run away so bad

That's right - that's your survival instinct.
You "run away" from his attempts to play that stupid ass game by running
INTO
YOU.

Make it about you. NOT him. He's a clueless, passive aggressive child.

ItllGetBetter posted 8/10/2014 08:24 AM

This is classic, classic cheater behavior. He's trying desperately to get you to agree that he did a boo boo and, by saying Sorrrry, My Bad, that all is now peaches and cream. And if you don't play his little game, then you are a Bad Person for not forgiving him for his little mistake. Classic, I tell you.

Yup. Yup and yup. But knowing this and accepting and moving on from it are so so hard. Hugs to all of us

ItllGetBetter posted 8/10/2014 08:30 AM

Your H does not understand how deeply his betrayal hurt you. He doesn't sound remorseful.

and this
What he's doing isn't right. It's manipulated and mentally cruel. He's telling you to do it his way and turning the tables on you.

Living this also. I am a work in progress. zztmmom...you are worth so much more than this. Know that.

outtanowhere posted 8/10/2014 08:48 AM

I'm concerned that you mention he uses porn and has set up escorts in the past. These are huge red flags and I would discourage you from even trying to R with him until he has at the very least been evaluated by a therapist skilled in counseling people with addictions.

Passive aggressive, porn, escorts - these are warning signs that you may be dealing with a sexual addiction. I don't know that he is truley one but, knowing what I know now, I would insist that he schedule an appointment with a CSAT ASAP. You know that chills, fever, and a sore throat are symptoms of strep throat but, you have to see the Dr. to actually confirm the diagnosis. There are some worrisome symptoms here.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/10/2014 09:22 AM

What everyone else said. This guy is an emotional bully. Who crowned him King? Why does he get to decide how YOU heal?

This is far from true remorse.

Kajem posted 8/10/2014 11:05 AM

I'll second Chrysalis!!

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