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How, how, how do you forgive after a false R? How?

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sri624 posted 8/9/2014 12:30 PM

this is where i am these days. i have an h who was a monster....thought he was sorry after he got caught...turns out he was still cheating...and was in false r for 9 months. the last 22 months, he has been the model remorseful wayward. it seems real this time. during the false r...there were warning signs...but i chose to ignore them out of fear and co dependency.

i am in ic...and a lot healthier...and stronger. no longer a doormat.

but i struggle with the false r. it seems like a false r is an even deeper betrayal...shows you that they just dont really give a damn. the cheating is just so much better and worth the risk..AND they already know how much this behavior has hurt you.

how, how, how have anyone that has gone through a false r get through it? how do you know that deep down that monster is not still active? you know what i mean?

thank you for your help on this one. i am stuck

SparrowSoul posted 8/9/2014 14:08 PM

What warning signs were there during your false R, and what makes you feel more certain that this time, it's the real deal?

It seems to me like perhaps you know in your heart of hearts what you're looking for, and whether it's actually there or not.

As for dealing with the false R and trying to forgive after the fact... I think that if you're determined for "real" R, then you know the steps to try and follow now and the pitfalls to watch out for. There's no timeline for forgiveness, obviously, but if he's doing everything that he can to try and earn it, you'll get there in due course.

sri624 posted 8/9/2014 14:23 PM

thank you sparrow. things are a lot different from the first r. i always "knew" during that time that things were not right. i just knew it. the first red flag was him being adimant about me not having access to his phone....in actually told me no...in mc. he still kept going out....he was abusing alcohol...and was not really committed to our family. at times he said he was committed...but he actions didnt reflect that consistently.

another red flag that i just thought about was how he would always tell me that he was sorry...and that it wouldnt happen again. and then he would end that sentence by saying..."i mean...who knows what can happen in 15 years." he would always say that. i would get hurt and he would say that we couldnt predict the future. i would just let it go..but it always bothered me. i mean, if we were in r.....what spouse would say that he wasnt sure if it would happen again. and there were other times i would overhear him on the phone talking to his friends about going out...checking out women...it was all bad.

i was just too scared to end it and i think he knew that. he was not transparent...not really.

and then when i sneaked his phone in the bathroom and saw a dirty text at 4am...i knew i was in false r. it all made sense. i put his things outside 2 days later and let him go.

now....whole different ballgame. i answer his phone when i want...i see phone records...he is transparent..he is willing to "do what it takes".

the problem is me. i guess i am just struggling to forgive this man. i see him as a monster for the false r. what kind of an asshole does that?

tushnurse posted 8/9/2014 16:43 PM

I think a lot of us struggle with accepting what out spouses have done and struggle even more with forgiving ourselves for allowing them to abuse us and do what they did.
There were a few things in my personal false R, and choices he made that I really struggled with when he got his head out of his arse and started doing the real work.
Forgiveness can't be rushed or forced. You may eventually be able to forgive him for his choices and not ever be ok with some of the things he did because of those choices. But you also have to evaluate the man he is today and how he treats you now. My H made a commitment to fixing his shit and doing the real work of R. He told me then and still does occasionally that his goal in life is to be the best man, husband, and father that he can. And to make me laugh every day.
So while I forgave him the A it took even more time for me to forgive leaving me with the kids and a weekend alone to do work he should have done to take his whore fishing. That one got me. Stung deep.
But he is such a great man now I let it go because he isn't that guy anymore.

Give yourself time. Don't force it.
((((And strength)))

Needadrink posted 8/9/2014 23:45 PM

Hi there I am sorry you feel like this. I recall approx 10 yrs ago feeling something was not right in my marriage, my gut was telling me so strongly, yet he denied it profusely when I asked him if he was having an affair. He even swore on our children's lives that he would not do that...... When I look back now knowing that was a lie it tears me apart! I think they are all monsters when they are deep in it.. He is so remorseful now and deeply saddened by everything . I can only say that I wish I had followed my gut all those years ago and become a stronger women.. It is so hard sometimes to look at them as different people but that is exactly what they are now..

cosmicjoke posted 8/10/2014 12:28 PM

Good question. Sometimes you don't, and that's OK. Whether you stay together or not.

seethelight posted 8/10/2014 12:43 PM

I think a lot of us struggle with accepting what out spouses have done and struggle even more with forgiving ourselves for allowing them to abuse us and do what they did.

There were a few things in my personal false R, and choices he made that I really struggled with when he got his head out of his arse and started doing the real work.

Forgiveness can't be rushed or forced. You may eventually be able to forgive him for his choices and not ever be ok with some of the things he did because of those choices. But you also have to evaluate the man he is today and how he treats you now. My H made a commitment to fixing his shit and doing the real work of R.

He told me then and still does occasionally that his goal in life is to be the best man, husband, and father that he can. And to make me laugh every day.

So while I forgave him the A it took even more time for me to forgive leaving me with the kids and a weekend alone to do work he should have done to take his whore fishing. That one got me. Stung deep.

But he is such a great man now I let it go because he isn't that guy anymore.

Give yourself time. Don't force it.
((((And strength)))


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This, if the same behavior applies to your wayward.

[This message edited by seethelight at 12:44 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

sri624 posted 8/10/2014 23:16 PM

all of you...thank you for replying to me.

he really does seem like a different person. he is working really hard to be the father and husband that i had always hoped for. i see it clearly in his actions. i see it in his transparency...his dedication to our family....taking care of us, and making sure that his family comes first. i see that. he gave up all the old buddies he used to hang out with...and completely changed his lifestyle. he has been sober 23 months (since he has been home)...i know he is trying.

he was just such a monster, you know? the devil really.

i have a million examples of "i cant believe he did that." especially the ones during the false r.

i do take comfort in what you said about maybe being able to forgive the cheating...but not the pain that was created from those choise. at least i am not there yet. and i do hope to be.

i just wish he hadnt done this, you know?

william posted 8/11/2014 03:42 AM

The 1st d-day was June 2013. She admitted to a 6-8 month ea with a guy. We agreed to try to reconcile.

The 2-5th d-days were spreadout in early jan 2014. I learned the ea was also a pa. That she also had 2 ons with 2 different guys. That she was setting with roughly a dozen other guys.

With trickle truth I find lta guy was in my house and in her parents house (while they were in the hospital) and sexual activities took place at both places. That my wife introduced several of these guys to my daughter - and to me. That my wife had secretly been drinking a 5th of liquor a week at work for months. That my wife initiated ALL of her cheating and even pursued some of these guys for months.

I consider this 6 month period false R. But I never had to deal with her continuing an affair after d-day, she had stopped them all prior to d-day on her own (wasn't NC with most though at that time but was with some). I can't offer advise. I can only say I feel your pain. I am so sorry!

[This message edited by william at 3:47 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

lostworld posted 8/11/2014 08:42 AM

It helped me to realize that the false R was not a new A; it wasn't his second A, it was an underground continuation of the first. He wasn't making new choices to cheat on and devastate me, he was continuing to do so. In some twisted way, he felt that he had already done the worst thing possible to me, and that continuing the A would help numb his pain, and wouldn't be introducing any "new" hurt on me. Almost like he'd use the A to soothe himself until the hard work of repairing us was mostly finished, then he'd walk back into a repaired and happy M. Just like when he began the A, I again was nowhere in his thoughts. Complete bs to any rational and caring human, but that's just not who he was during the A.

Of course it's more complicated than this, but simply stated, he was already so messed up when the A first began, that the false R was just another step in the F'ed up dance he'd been doing for 7 months. When the A and the false R began, his head was completely screwed up--that brokenness allowed him to enter into the A, and that brokenness was not yet fixed when he decided to continue the A underground. Despite all the anguish he caused me, until his head got right, he just continued to make the same shameful and hurtful choices. He chose to stay selfish, immature, and numb rather than rip everything apart and do the hard work of fixing himself and our M.

The good news is that those choices are now completely deplorable to him. He's done the work on himself that allowed us to do the work on us, and that unrecognizable monster that was him for 2 years is far off in the distance now. Over a lot of time and IC/MC, I've come to understand more and more about our entire situation, and I've found it easier and easier to forgive the A and the false R. I've not forgotten any of it, but I've come to a place of "forgiveness" and acceptance about it, and we have a wonderful life together.

lostcovenants posted 8/11/2014 08:54 AM

Thanks for posting this - the thought that I am in a false R terrifies me. I really think I would lose my mind if I found out the last few months were a lie. If my WS ever cheats on me again it would truly destroy my very soul.

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