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Wayward apologized to my best friend

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notanavrageangel posted 8/9/2014 15:37 PM

2 things happened yesterday that I think were positive steps in our R.

1) WH opened up to his best friend about that has happened. When we first had Dday, he was upset I had told my best friend about it because he was "embarrassed" and didn't want someone else to think he was a "failure". (A lot of his "why" is low self esteem and feeling like he fails at everything, or making himself fail on purpose so he doesn't even have to risk trying and failing). Well he got together with his own best friend yesterday and told him what has been going on with us, told him about the A, and opened up to him about hurtful things from his childhood he has never discussed with anyone really (until DDay).

2) He invited MY best friend over yesterday evening (she knows about A but they haven't spoken directly to each other about it) and he apologized to her for breaking his promise to always protect my heart and be true to me. She said to him that she forgives him, whats done is done, and what is important is how he handles this going forward, how he lives more authentically and how he takes steps to never make this mistake again.

I am so proud of WH because I have seen such a change in him this past month. He is not defensive when he does something wrong, he isn't beating himself up, he has put his own feelings of remorse aside to help me heal and be open about his past. We have had a lot of great, very deep conversations that never existed in our relationship before. There is still a deep underlying pain that he betrayed me and I am mourning the loss of the relationship I thought we had (never capable of hurting me like this) but I am really starting to see some embers rise from the ashes of what we once had. I am grateful he has broken down his walls and i see him working hard to become a better man. In all this heartache I see him actually really smiling, something I haven't seen in a long time, and I feel like I am getting to know parts of him that were hidden before. I am cautiously optimistic about our R but I love sharing positive stories in here because I feel like it can offer hope to some. I hope you all are having an enjoyable Saturday.

confused615 posted 8/9/2014 15:39 PM

BtraydWife posted 8/9/2014 23:07 PM

Another one.

Now again, this is getting very exciting seeing the changes your wh is making. Be prepared though. 2steps forward, 1step back is very common. Doing all these things right sets up the very failure fear he has tried to avoid.

It might be a good idea to discuss with him how healing isn't always a forward motion. How there will be stumbles and set backs. See if you can work with your counselor to have a plan for when he's feeling overwhelmed or how he will respond when he messes up.

I'm glad things are going this way for you.

notanavrageangel posted 8/10/2014 03:05 AM

BtraydWife -

Thanks again for your insight! I value your words of wisdom very much. Its definitely a struggle for us because WH just lost his uncle last weekend to cancer in the midst of all of this. Its tough because I am struggling with pain from the A, he is struggling with the pain he caused from the A, and he is also struggling with grief from the loss of his uncle as well. I think that is part of the reason for a big wake up call for him, this is the first big loss he has had ever in his life, and I think its making him extra grateful for his second chance to R, and his chance to make his life more meaningful all around. Its a rough road.

LoveIsDead posted 8/10/2014 03:42 AM

Well, at least your spouse is attempting to put in an effort. My WW continues to show absolutely no signs of remorse, or even that she did anything wrong. Oh the difference it would make to our R if she at least attempted half of the changes your WH is.

There is no telling what will happen in the future, but be happy yours at least making an effort to write some wrongs. Kudos to you and him

Mac4 posted 8/10/2014 16:20 PM

ditto, kudos to your WH, be sure you tell him you appreciate what he did.

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