That sucks. Hang in there.
He should know that as soon as he had the A that means he chose divorce. He didn't deserve 5 minutes, let alone 3 months. The idea that anyone could have an A and then tell the BS that they "want a D" is obscene, just ludicrous. All you are doing is facing the reality of a dead M. Don't let his crap influence you otherwise.
And any false R makes it 10 times worse.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
but first,, was this his visitation night? If not, in the future THEY DON'T GO! My xwh and the OW got the kids all excited for a week in Wisconsin. Trouble is, there are no overnights in my D papers when a girlfriend is there, AND they didn't turn in their request in time to be granted AND no way do I want my sons overnight with a woman who sleeps with so many men (behind their dad's back btw ) So they got the kids all hyped up thinking I'm going to say ok -- but that was the old, nice me. The new me has a backbone, confidence and isn't afraid to say no to a person who gets their kids all excited over a trip XWH knows I'll never let the kids go on!
My children see thru their Dad and OW now. They rarely go over to their house. They like being at our home, they know I don't play games with their love/attention, etc. They have come to realize on their own that their Dad is a snake, a user,can't be trusted, and so is OW..THis, from 2 boys who were with their Dad all the time before dday, who loved him, who wanted to live with him when he first moved out...I have tried to show confidence in myself and I have been there for everything for my sons.
I'm just telling you this to give you strength. I just read your profile. Is there any way you can continue to see the therapist that called your H on the carpet and stood up to him? I say this because my XWH also kept changing the counselors when he pretended he was getting help. IF I would have kept the kids & I at the therapist who saw thru his bs, I would have dealt with all the games he and OW threw at me in a very level headed way, plus this therapist would have been happy to go to court on my behalf. Plus, if your WS ever gets dumped by OW (most likely) he'll know he has to see this therapist to ever get back into your life.
The ONLY way I made it thru the emotional abuse you are now enduring was my counselor (free at the domestic violence center) and I read a book called Love Must Be Tough. It is a quick easy read and I would read it over and over when the kids were with my XWH. It is easy to just open any page and read (on CD, too). It quickly says that our H are in a drug addiction with the OW and should be treated as an addict -- with our complete confidence in ourselves. (Tough Love approach). Dr. James Dobson (the author) says our WS have crossed the line of respect with us before this point, and this is where it stops. Some types of people always need a challenge, and they have learned with us we will give and give - which takes away the challenge to them.
Your kids are going to be dealt some mindfuckery from your WS and the OW, please be ready to be very strong for them. And him wanting to pick them up every day --- more evidence of him wanting his way,, and he doesn't get it so he blames you. --But, he's used to being able to disrespect you in subtle and not so subtle ways...Good for you for saying "NO".
Stick to the visiation schedule. He needs to see what divorce is like. He'll blame you because he's acting like king baby.
In my opinion, he also wants to show the judge he should get custody by his actions of getting so much time with his kids..So give him as little time as possible now during the separation.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:53 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
If a man won't do this for him family, he's lost my respect.
In response to your saying D is your fault...mine tried this too. I argued over it for months- he just did usual passive aggressive bullshit.
It all changed when i realized he was right, though not for the reasons he stated. I wanted divorce because i dodn't like his girlfriendS, none of them. And i choose to separate (we weren't married) because i wasn't into 3-somes. He wasn't willing to give up girlfriendS so I choose separation. Tell EVERYONE this whenever topic comes up, including our kids (now 20 & 22). Because its the truth.
Owning that decision caused a huge shift in my thinking. I was no longer a victim, but owner and in control of my own life and what i was willing to endureall the consequences of my chouce because it was MINE! i own it and i'm damn proud of it!
At least OW wasn't there-he had to shower, shave and disappear for the night once he got done telling me again that I filed, I didn't love him enough, I didn't help him end it with her, I quit on us and our marriage, our family.
I am slightly relieved it didn't go well...however my kids need him...
I didn't love him enough
They are so freaking TYPICAL! Newsflash to your WH: it is not your partner's job to 'love' you into not cheating on them. It is *your* job to not need other people to fill you up, and uyour inability to do so that keeps you looking for another fix of validation.