Feeling shocked & betrayed are very normal. It's a very long, hard journey but if you are both committed to R (recovery) it IS possible. ..and it IS okay! So to answer your question....no, you are not stupid for still being there! R is a very personal & individual thing, but you can get great advice & friendship here.
Keep coming here as often as you can/want. It's very overwhelming & you are just getting started. You'll have so many different emotions, so much to work thru so I don't want to overwhelm you.
Try reading in the Healing Library on here...maybe that will help if it's slower this evening & tomorrow.
And take care of yourself...don't forget to eat & stay hydrated. And sleep/rest as much as you can...this will drain you physically as well.
Sending hugs & prayers to you!
Oh, and he almost certainly did more than he's admitting... you know, in my opinion.
Read here and you'll see that they almost always only admit to what they get caught for at the beginning. Mine did.
DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug
Around here that is called 'trickle truth' (TT.) Please tell him that you need full disclosure (with whatever degree of gory details you want or don't want ... and think THAT through!)
Explain to him that every time he tells you something 'new' and adds to the story it makes you start ALL OVER AGAIN. It is truly in his best interest to tell you everything all at once and get it done.
If he waits and Reconciles with you for a year ... you will be right back here again if he tells you something else.
Please explain to him what you need. I pray he will realize what he needs to do.
Failure to attempt is failure.
Even now, with this 2nd 'confession' out on the table, the chances are pretty slim that you've not been told the entire story.
The problem with this crap is that every time you get hit with another 'confession,' it's like another D-Day all over again. Their constant attempts to save their asses by lying and minimizing everything about their affairs - at the expense of OUR mental and emotional sanity - is yet just another selfish act of self preservation cheaters engage in so you won't kick their ass out of the house. That's pretty much standard behavior for most cheaters.
It's ALL about damage control for him at this point.
If I were you, I'd insist on a polygraph test. He's had way too much opportunity being away from home so much and he's clearly shown you that the minute he had the chance to get away with something, he did.
I'm have him take a poly but I honestly believe that if you do, you'll find out a lot more ugly truths about him.
Good luck to you.
Of course you aren't stupid. It is the natural reaction. Love doesn't die on finding something like this out, though it does become a very complicated source of pain.
Do try to both accept your desire to work on the M without giving everything up to keep him, though. I think false R is common because we cling to every shred of hope in our confusion. Make your decision from as objective a place as you can, and insist that he show the hallmarks of true remorse...but don't judge yourself for hoping to save your relationship.
Forgive me, but it's all too easy for the WS to just hit the "delete" keys on info and messages.... There's no "delete keys" for the pain and loss of complete trust that the BS feels. If it were that easy, you would not need to be here.... (as a response to: Why am I still here?).
My WS has also given me the same "forget it - records deleted - no big deal - just move on speech...."
Glad you are here, it's a safe forum.
Hope it helps.
I wanted a "solution" (had no idea what that would be) - right then and there, no "ifs, ands or buts"..... That's just the way I have handled crises in the past, but there's no quick resolve to any of this, and I am having the hardest time with that (patience is not a strong suit of mine after this EA/PA).
All that said, I think that neither of our WS did what they did overnight, so the way I'm making it through - one hour at a time.... is to understand that the "repair/reconciliation" can't happen overnight, either.
It's a painful road we're on as the "betrayed", but something deep down in my heart and head isn't ready to throw 20 years of marriage away.... I truly believe that love is forgiving... After all, "for better or for worse, richer or poorer, etc....", right? As the BS I DO believe that good can come out of this - and that patience and trying not to focus on the anger and the details of the PA/EA will definitely help...
Hang in there...
[This message edited by kaylee711 at 8:05 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]