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Devastatedin2014 posted 8/9/2014 15:59 PM

So, after dday on July 1, 2014 where I found out that my WH had slept with another woman while working away, (he works a fly in/fly out job with 3 weeks on/ one week off) I find out a month later that it was more often than he acknowledged in the beginning and they had been texting on and off until June of this year. He says now that I know everything, but seriously, how am I supposed to believe him? He has changed his cell number, deleted all his contacts from that job and is no longer going to travel for work. He is saying and doing all the right things, but I feel so shocked and betrayed. We have been together for 12 years, married for 5. I feel like I don't even know who he was/is....I'm just broken by it all. God help me, but I still love him and the life I thought we had built together. Am I stupid to even consider staying and trying, given the hell he has put me through?

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/9/2014 19:34 PM

First of all, I am so sorry you find yourself here. As most will tell you, it's a little slower on the weekends, so hang in there & others will be along to give you advice & encouragement.

Feeling shocked & betrayed are very normal. It's a very long, hard journey but if you are both committed to R (recovery) it IS possible. ..and it IS okay! So to answer your question....no, you are not stupid for still being there! R is a very personal & individual thing, but you can get great advice & friendship here.

Keep coming here as often as you can/want. It's very overwhelming & you are just getting started. You'll have so many different emotions, so much to work thru so I don't want to overwhelm you.

Try reading in the Healing Library on here...maybe that will help if it's slower this evening & tomorrow.

And take care of yourself...don't forget to eat & stay hydrated. And sleep/rest as much as you can...this will drain you physically as well.

Sending hugs & prayers to you!

Devastatedin2014 posted 8/9/2014 20:32 PM

Thanks for your response...I'm so confused right now. I'll take all the advice and help that I can get.

ChangeMaker posted 8/9/2014 20:35 PM

Take care of yourself. Don't focus on him. Do what you need to do for you only; that's what he did.

Oh, and he almost certainly did more than he's admitting... you know, in my opinion.

Read here and you'll see that they almost always only admit to what they get caught for at the beginning. Mine did.

isthismynewlife posted 8/9/2014 20:47 PM

Try your best to take care of yourself - seems obvious but I found it almost impossible after DDay. Reading "After the Affair" helped my realize that my reaction wasn't crazy, but actually normal trauma reaction. If your H will read "How to Help my Spouse Heal" that can help him see the extent of the damage he's caused. Get yourself into IC if you can - it was a huge help in dealing with the panic attacks and anxiety that this can bring.
I wish there were easy answers for all this but unfortunately there aren't. You don't need to make any decisions now - wait until you are ready to, there are no set timeframes for anything. It is an awful ride you are on right now - and it will get worse before it gets better (but it truly can get better).
Hugs and prayers being sent your way!

fromthisdayfwd posted 8/9/2014 20:59 PM

You are still here because you choose to be here. If you want to reconcile; that is your choice.

Around here that is called 'trickle truth' (TT.) Please tell him that you need full disclosure (with whatever degree of gory details you want or don't want ... and think THAT through!)

Explain to him that every time he tells you something 'new' and adds to the story it makes you start ALL OVER AGAIN. It is truly in his best interest to tell you everything all at once and get it done.

If he waits and Reconciles with you for a year ... you will be right back here again if he tells you something else.

Please explain to him what you need. I pray he will realize what he needs to do.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/10/2014 06:43 AM

As you've unfortunately discovered, pretty much NONE of us get the whole truth on D-Day. Most only admit to what we have proof of, or just enough to feel they've satisfied your need for the 'truth.' But it's never the whole truth.

Even now, with this 2nd 'confession' out on the table, the chances are pretty slim that you've not been told the entire story.

The problem with this crap is that every time you get hit with another 'confession,' it's like another D-Day all over again. Their constant attempts to save their asses by lying and minimizing everything about their affairs - at the expense of OUR mental and emotional sanity - is yet just another selfish act of self preservation cheaters engage in so you won't kick their ass out of the house. That's pretty much standard behavior for most cheaters.

It's ALL about damage control for him at this point.

If I were you, I'd insist on a polygraph test. He's had way too much opportunity being away from home so much and he's clearly shown you that the minute he had the chance to get away with something, he did.

Seriously.

I'm have him take a poly but I honestly believe that if you do, you'll find out a lot more ugly truths about him.

Good luck to you.

norabird posted 8/10/2014 07:17 AM

(((Devastated))))

Of course you aren't stupid. It is the natural reaction. Love doesn't die on finding something like this out, though it does become a very complicated source of pain.

Do try to both accept your desire to work on the M without giving everything up to keep him, though. I think false R is common because we cling to every shred of hope in our confusion. Make your decision from as objective a place as you can, and insist that he show the hallmarks of true remorse...but don't judge yourself for hoping to save your relationship.

Devastatedin2014 posted 8/10/2014 07:26 AM

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I know that he has stopped seeing her for sure, physically as of April and through texts as of June. He hasn't been away for work and has changed his cell number. I have access to all his passwords and related materials. At this point, it's about finding out about the affair details and, to be honest, I don't even know if I want to know anymore. There's nothing that he can say that will make it better and all the whys in the world will never be enough for me. I know that he is truly sorry for what he has done, and I want to begin to heal and move on. Not for him, but for myself, as I can't continue to question and worry about things that he did then. I feel like, at this point, if I continue to look for details I will lose my mind. None of it really matters now...what's done is done and can't be changed. It just really sucks!

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 07:26 AM

You are completely justified to feel that just because he deleted contact info and the e-mail paper trail that "it's over, clean slate - yada, yada, yada...." doesn't mean the EA/PA never happened in the first place.

Forgive me, but it's all too easy for the WS to just hit the "delete" keys on info and messages.... There's no "delete keys" for the pain and loss of complete trust that the BS feels. If it were that easy, you would not need to be here.... (as a response to: Why am I still here?).

My WS has also given me the same "forget it - records deleted - no big deal - just move on speech...."

Glad you are here, it's a safe forum.

HUGS!

jjct posted 8/10/2014 07:30 AM

Try this:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

Hope it helps.

Devastatedin2014 posted 8/10/2014 07:33 AM

He has never once told me to "just get over it". He acknowledges that he was wrong to go outside of our marriage and try to solve the issues that he thought we were having. He has been supportive of my emotional breakdowns, and with accepting that he alone is the cause of what we are going through. Like I said, for me, it really just is about dwelling on what he did. You are so right about not be able to delete the negative feelings that come with an affair. I wish it were as easy as changing an number or deleting a text. It's the lies that are the struggle for me right now and not knowing if he is being truthful now. Seriously, how do I ever know!

Devastatedin2014 posted 8/10/2014 07:40 AM

jjct,
Thank you so much for that link...it absolutely describes everything I'm feeling. And I think it shows everything that he has been going through too. I'm going to give it to him to read. It's sad that so many couples have to go through this, but I'm happy to know that my feelings are common with this type of situation. Thank you again!

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 08:03 AM

I think the "just get over it - move on" speech I got was because I cornered WS with stack of printed e-mail evidence, plane ticket receipts, receipts for sending OW roses, etc. Not at all "defending" what the WS did, but I absolutely backed him into a painted corner and, for lack of a better way of saying it.... He knew I had the "grenade and was just waiting to pull the pin and throw it at him" unless he confessed right then, and there, all of it, and I didn't even care that it was 2:30AM when I confronted him.....

I wanted a "solution" (had no idea what that would be) - right then and there, no "ifs, ands or buts"..... That's just the way I have handled crises in the past, but there's no quick resolve to any of this, and I am having the hardest time with that (patience is not a strong suit of mine after this EA/PA).

All that said, I think that neither of our WS did what they did overnight, so the way I'm making it through - one hour at a time.... is to understand that the "repair/reconciliation" can't happen overnight, either.

It's a painful road we're on as the "betrayed", but something deep down in my heart and head isn't ready to throw 20 years of marriage away.... I truly believe that love is forgiving... After all, "for better or for worse, richer or poorer, etc....", right? As the BS I DO believe that good can come out of this - and that patience and trying not to focus on the anger and the details of the PA/EA will definitely help...

Hang in there...

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 8:05 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Devastatedin2014 posted 8/10/2014 08:13 AM

Thanks kaylee711,
I'm much of the same mind that you are about it all. I'm not ready to give up almost 13 years for 2 or 3 months of bullshit! I just need my heart to agree with my head...that's what will take the most time. Best wishes to you!