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AndreaL posted 8/9/2014 17:00 PM

This quote pushed me over the edge today, “if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”

Maybe my husband doesn't love me? Will the pain stop? Am I second best? Will I always be the understudy in his heart?

He tries to reassure me, but I am filled with doubts.

SoTired011114 posted 8/9/2014 17:08 PM

((((((Hugs)))))) I actually used to like this quote. I guess because Johnny depp said it. Hehe but now I too, have doubts. Even though my WH swears that he never loved her (even though he told her he did) it really makes me wonder. I don't think he didn't love me anymore but I feel like his love for me was wayyyy less at the time of the A.

And then I also think that it has nothing to do with loving me. It has to do with loving himself. Which is something that he is working on now.

I'm only 7 months out and the pain is still unbearable at times, but Ii think I'm starting to have more good days then bad.

cluless posted 8/9/2014 18:04 PM

I'm a year out and I have more good days than bad. Yet I feel the same way, deep inside, if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have strayed.

I wish people would think about somebody other than themselves when they decide to screw around. I had a pact with my WH that he would tell me if he wanted to go outside the M, he obviously didn't honor it.

I'm in my mid 50's and I look in the mirror now and doubt my attractiveness, I feel so ugly and unwanted. At times I can't stand staring at myself in the mirror, yet the clock keeps ticking and I get less and less desirable. Sorry, I'm having a bad day today, it's my 16 wedding anniversary, I'm alone crying in my bedroom.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/9/2014 18:07 PM

I am almost a year out from DDday and can tell you that it's taken me that long to finally START figuring out & really believing my FWH & others when they tell you that the A really did have NOTHING to do with you & very rarely involves love!

It is about their own "broken" AND the broken of the AP as well. Your WS is the one with the problems, not you.

IF you feel you are ready, read in the Wayward Forum. It has helped me learn MUCH about the thinking of WAYWARDS.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/9/2014 18:31 PM

I really should not have put the "rolling eyes" on my previous post...the Wayward Forum really has helped me a lot. Apologies for that!

tushnurse posted 8/9/2014 19:01 PM

Ok number one, that shit he had with her.... that's not love.
Number two that quote is some bullshit justification for fucking over the person you promised to be with forever.
Three if Johnny Depp said it you have to know it's crap cause that dude is a goofball.

Quit basing your present off of other people's fucked up mess.

Seriously sister. You need to look at your situation. And base it off of his actions alone.

Sorry so blunt but I'm having a heat stroke at the moment and it makes me cranky.

amanda123 posted 8/9/2014 22:23 PM

AndreaL I also felt quite alarmed when I read that quote on FB. When I thought about it, its pretty stupid. I think how you perceive things and the frame of mind you are in when you read them can have an effect on you. Half of those quotes can be accurate and the other half well just keep scrolling have you seen some of the spelling!!!
I'm with tushnurse it's a bunch of crap.
Cluless my heart goes out to you, many hugs. Age is just a number. Brad Pitt is 50 who wouldn't want him. George Clooney is even older. Pierce Brosnan older still. Demi Moore, Heather Locklear Elle MacPherson all 50 plus, granted we may not all look like those people only because they have the money to treat themselves to a little plastic surgery or maybe a lot or have personal trainers to keep them in shape, but we can look after ourselves and its never too late to start. Please do not think that you are undesirable. If you want to feel better about yourself then start doing little things and you will be surprised at how your self esteem will grow.

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 07:05 AM

Andrea,

My college boyfriend used almost that same excuse verbatim... I wondered why he feared commitment, but the way he put it was: "I love the thought of you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you". That was enough hurt for me to end it (only after 6 months of commitment)...

Plus, it would have been interesting to hear what he said to the other 2 "secret" girlfriends - he lost all three relationships, so my guess is that "he loved the thought of them second, third...." How many more ways can you say something like that - leading on definitely.

Bad Day, here, too, but the best post I've seen was "...don't try to blame or find fault with yourself"... Some WS's make up terrible quotes because they need to justify behavior. You're not in the wrong... at all.....

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 7:15 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

norabird posted 8/10/2014 07:19 AM

This quote, jeez. It's absolute nonsense.

The cheating is not about loving the OW better--it's about his being broken and having bad coping mechanisms.

I can't say whether you come in second with your WH, bit the cheating is not about your being inadequate at all.

(((Andrea))))

ReconcilingWife posted 8/10/2014 08:08 AM

I fall into that way of thinking sometimes too (that way of thinking, and that way of yelling at him), but I know it really really isn't the case. As Norabird says, it's about him being broken and having bad coping mechanisms.

Delilah169 posted 8/10/2014 13:49 PM

First - clueless - STOP thinking that way! You are beautiful, intelligent, have strength of character, and your H making some dumbass decision born of selfishness and stupidity does not make you a different person. It has taken me a LONG time to understand this, and I'm not 100% there, but you have to think good things about yourself, or you'll just go crazy. I bet if you thought hard on this, you'll realize he affaired down BIG time.

Second - Andrea - He didn't love her! He may have convinced himself he did to justify his guilt, but it was all based on lies. He HAD to think that or he wouldn't have been able to cheat. He's there, with you and apparently trying to work on R. Don't doubt yourself. He didn't "fall" for anyone except his penis. Try to always remember that.

Hugs

AndreaL posted 8/10/2014 14:08 PM

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who takes the time to respond. I don't know what i would do without you all.

Last night was hard, I let my mind wander and got caught up in all my pain.

Today will be a better day.x

Sharkysharky posted 8/10/2014 14:16 PM

Look up Aubrie (I think it was ?) who responded to this exact same quote. It's the difference between love and luuuuurrrve. Her response is incredibly insightful and should put your mind at ease. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard and seperates the men from the boys.