You will find infinite support and wisdom here to help you rebuild yourself and, if its what you want, your relationship with your betrayed wife (BW).
But it really does have to be what you want, and honestly, your post does not read like someone focussed on repairing the damage they have done or hoping to really work on themselves. It reads like someone still obessing about how all of this impacts them, and what it means for their image or reputation. I dont see any remorse, very little guilt and no acknowledgement of your BWs pain.
So the big question is why are you here? Are you looking for your 'fellow sinners' to make you feel better and pump you back up again? Or do you really want to change yourself, your life and your future?
If you are here for the former, youre in for a rude shock. As much as the waywards on this forum are here to help and guide you through this having been through the same and much much worse (yes, there are plenty of stories worse than yours) you will find they are just as quick to confront you with hard questions that force you to look inwards and face the part of yourself that you let sleep with 16 prostitutes. That helped you justify that behaviour as ok. If you arent prepared to do that, you are really going to struggle. And I suspect your threads will go unanswered often. Having said that 15 minutes before you jump back on and assume no one is listening is a little impatient!
So, if I still have your attention, some things I want to ask from your post:
I think that's probably the most painful aspect, being hated. I know it should be the guilt, and the guilt is pretty bad, but it's the constant hatedness that's killing me.
I think you already know this is the wrong mindset if you are truly remorseful. I have always been far too focussed on how much people like me, and as such I have always reacted badly to people disliking me. But you have just completely destroyed someones entire world. And you are still stuck on how that impacts you? There will be time to look at your own pain mate, but its not now.
Not much I can do about it now.
Crap. More wrong than you can imagine. Living authentically and for more than just yourself starts whenever you choose it to. And being the new you, being real, honest and living to your true values is doing ALOT. So why arent you choosing change? Why are you choosing to live inside your own pain and play the victim here? You can do something. You can start separating yourself from your poor choices and choose to be the best version of yourself.
I thought earlier today about transferring all my savings to my wife. Not sure if that was to asuage my guilt, make things right, or try to get her to forgive me.
Giving your BW all your money is more likely to show her that you dont understand what you have done to her and that you dont value or respect her. You cant buy your way out of this. If it were possible, someone would have turned it into a business by now ad be wealthy enough to establish their own human colony on the moon. The only way through this is slow, hard and painful. You need to realise what you have done here, what the impact on your BW is, put yourself in her shoes, and then start working on yiur 'why'. Show her that she is worth doing this for. Even if you are kicked out and it ends.
BTW, you arent suicidal because you dont want to die. Simple as that. But even so, true remorse does not equal suicidal. It just means you truly feel all of the pain, your BWs and your own, and tears you up so badly that you feel like dying would be easier. Not the same as suicidal.
Why do you want to find worse stories? So you can feel better about yours? Think about that. It says alot about where you are at.
I hope you come around. Finding us is a big step in the right direction. I hope you stay and keep posting.
[This message edited by theseseatsRtaken at 10:47 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]