"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

losinit56 posted 8/9/2014 21:19 PM

I never thought I would find myself in this situation at age 58. First he started going out for "drinks with the guys", then he lied about where he was and I caught him in it. Soon I saw a text on his phone to his "little beach bunny". He kept trying to make me think I was crazy even though I realized he'd been pushing me away for months. I looked at his cell phone usage online and found he had 30-50 texts per day with a number I didn't recognize. I confronted him. It is a woman he works with. At first he said they were just friends but when I totally didn't buy it he admitted to an emotional affair. He says they kissed a few times and some other stuff but did not have sex because that would have been wrong. I don't know if I really believe him at all. He has lied so much and betrayed me that I can't believe anything he says. This went on for 7 months as far as I can tell. He did tell me that he did think he was in love with her and they had talked about leaving their spouses. I have seen texts, cards, love letters. It has been two weeks since I found out. He says he is done with her and wants to make our marriage work. That is what I want too but I am having a really hard time. Every day he goes to work and she is in an office 20 feet from him. It is agony for me. I feel hurt, angry and broken. I just don't know how to deal with this and how to forgive him.

meaniemouse posted 8/9/2014 21:56 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I can relate to your story as I was married nearly 26 years and found myself in the same situation. Get ready for a long and bumpy ride. Whatever happens, please do whatever is necessary to protect yourself--physically, emotionally and especially financially. There are many, many people on this site who will be very helpful to you during this time. Use all of the resources they and the site have to offer. You will get through this. You will. BUT--now you must look after YOU--you are now your #1 priority. Take care of yourself first--what he wants and needs are secondary to what you want and need. Hugs.

And . . . PS--he probably isn't telling you the whole truth. They seldom do when you catch them. They go into self-protection mode and try very hard to get by with telling you as little as possible, especially because they know you desperately want to believe what they tell you. Get all the info you can and keep what you know to yourself. Again--so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way.

Williesmom posted 8/9/2014 21:57 PM

Hello, Lost. I'm sorry that you're here, but glad that you found us.

It's only been 2 weeks. Give yourself time to process what has happened. He hasn't even told you the tip of the iceberg yet.

Focus on yourself and do what you need. Be sure to eat and drink.

Mochagurl posted 8/9/2014 21:59 PM

Welcome, so sorry you find yourself here. You will find a tremoudous amount of information that is very helpful. Up in the left hand corner, in the yellow box. There are many good articles in the healing library.

I just celebrates my 35th wedding anniversary. But my husband has cheated on me more than once.

There are so many emotions and it's also scary not knowing what to do. Being in our 50's (I assume you are also), makes it challenging I think. Do you work? Do you have children?

With the other woman in his office, there will have to be some strong rules to follow so you can build trust again, if that's what you want. I think there is a thread over in the I can relate section about when the other person works with the wayward spouse.

Try to get sleep, eat or drink protein shakes and drink some water. Exercise, breathing exercise, and yoga has also been helpful for me. The yoga and breathing exercise helps me feel more in control.

Take care we are here for you.

amanda123 posted 8/9/2014 22:53 PM

Welcome and most of us never thought that we would be here either. It makes you think about everything that they ever told you before. Were they lying then as well? Suddenly you are married to a stranger, this is not the person you thought you knew and loved. Breaking your trust is one of the hardest things to recover from. Your H will need to work very hard in regaining your trust, firstly he needs to be remorseful secondly he needs to be totally honest about what he has done with this OW and thirdly he needs to show you that he wants to reconcile, and that means doing anything that you want him to do, counseling whether it is IC or MC or anything that makes you feel safe. It is by no means an easy ride. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a long time. Every one of us here is either going through this or been through this, listen to what people have to say there is a wealth of experience here. Keep posting and venting, many hugs to you.

Hope2B posted 8/10/2014 03:07 AM

losinit56, I am so sorry you are here. I've been married since 1980 and found out in Feb of 2013 that he had been seeing a prostitute sewer-twat. He lied of course about the length of time and other details, and I found out the rest of the details (I think) in Sept 2013, and then a tiny bit more in November, which lead to selling the truck (you can imagine why and you'd be right).

I'm sorry to say your spouse is probably lying to you and it's likely that he and his co-worker DID have sex--they thought they were in love, were both going to leave their spouses...yeah, they had sex. Is she much younger than he is, this little beach bunny?

You found out and confronted him, and now he is doing damage control. He lied. He betrayed you in the worst way. He is probably still lying about things. You're right not to trust him or believe anything he says. It's a sad truth.

If you haven't had a chance, go read about the 180 in the Healing Library off to the left of your screen. There are certain things you can do to help you through this time.

Seeking help through individual counseling and marriage counseling was so important for me, and it is ongoing. I'm not sure what my unfaithful spouse is getting out of it, but he is going and that shows me he is talking the talk and walking the walk, but it may be a surface commitment. He fully realizes NOW what he has to lose.

Another helpful thing that a spouse would do, without question, if they are truly committed to making the marriage work, is to have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with the affair person, and this means that he WILL quit his job (or ask to be moved IMMEDIATELY to another department), and he will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.

Forgiveness is likely to be a long time coming. It doesn't happen overnight. How to forgive is something many of us struggle with on a daily basis.

You're 58, you have some wisdom from those years on the planet. Give yourself some time to decide if you believe him, as his infidelity might a deal breaker as more truth trickles out. For me, I truly believed I was told everything and told the truth in Feb 2013. Yeah, I was so wrong, so trusting.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is so very often true -- unless the cheater is really committed to being transparent, honest, answer all your questions honestly and thoroughly, show remorse (not just lip service), read books like "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" etc. and does the work to help you heal, and to show you that he has really and truly changed. Change is difficult, though.

You do not have to decide anything now about reconciliation--you wrote that you wanted to make your marriage work. You are of an age where finances might be a major concern as well. Please continue reading on this site, as there are many phrases and phases you might hear like minimizing, rug sweeping, shifting blame, rewriting history and such. I am so sorry you find yourself here, dealing with this. Please know we all understand!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:08 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 06:49 AM

I'm relatively new here, but I can relate to what you're saying....

Same as my WS - at first, nothing happened - just texts, e-mails - WS saw nothing "wrong" with what he was doing outside the marriage...

Sounds like your situation is similar... He knew you "busted" him, so he started admitting to more of the truth and the details. You have every right to want to get to the bottom of the whole truth and nothing but the truth... Hope he's not just trying to appease you with some admission of wrongdoing and thinks you will leave "well-enough-alone". I can relate - the "sweeping it under the rug" tactic of my WS is just causing the situation to spiral more and more out of control, and YOU don't need to be the one "filling in the blanks" or having to try to figure this out on your own. WS owes you the truth if trust is even part of the relationship's future.

shiloe posted 8/10/2014 06:59 AM

Be careful. They usually tell you that it is over but it is not, they just take the affair underground.

Be aware.

Edith posted 8/10/2014 07:15 AM

Hi Lostinit, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I agree with what others said but wanted to add I would suggest you speak to an attorney to find out your rights. My H had an A with a much younger COW, she was demanding money from him and even quit her job. You need to protect yourself financially. And yes, COW was also married at the time.

Based on my own experience, I would advise against marriage counseling in the beginning. All he did was lie, it was a total waste of time and money.

Hugs to you, my dear. I'm praying for you.

E.

annb posted 8/10/2014 08:12 AM

Hi, Lost, welcome to SI, the best place you never wanted to be. So sorry you find yourself here, but you will find that all of us have Been There Done That, so much wisdom and compassion and support from other members.

Please start by reading the articles in the Healing Library.

You need to make an appt. with your physician to get tested for STDS. Yes, yes, your husband told you there was no sex, well, cheaters lie, many of us heard the same bullsh*t story.

The best way to end an affair is to expose it....if you know who she is, you say she is married, you MUST tell her husband what's going on (do not tell your husband you are going to do this, it will only give the two of them time to get their stories straight and make you look crazy.)

If your husband truly wants to save his marriage, he HAS to find a new job. My WH had a long-distance EA with a co-worker, and a one afternoon delight when he was visiting her site, there was no way in hell I was going to tolerate any type of communication....ever. After a 25-year stint with the same company, he found another job.

Your husband also has to be transparent giving you access to all social media, cell phone records, email accounts, work email accounts, voicemails, etc. You get the picture. Accountable for his whereabouts at all times. No more going out with the guys or anyone else at this point, his focus needs to be on you and the marriage.

He says he is done with her

^^^Right now your husband's words are meaningless, it will be his actions that speak volumes, and his first order of business is to send her a NC letter. Second order of business is to request a transfer far away from her while searching for a new job. Third order of business is to get himself into counseling to figure out why he would travel down this path of destruction and drop a nuclear bomb on your lives.

If you have adult children, I'd consider blowing his little secret out of the water. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and anything you can do to bust the fantasy bubble will be in your favor.

It takes YEARS to rebuild trust, ONLY if he is truly remorseful and transparent. He must win you back. Not the other way around. He has to earn your forgiveness. Don't rugsweep infidelity.

In the meantime, take care of yourself as best as you can, meet with your dr. if you are having trouble coping. Get yourself into IC. Eat healthily and get exercise. Do things that you enjoy, gardening, meeting friends for lunch, nails done, anything to take your mind off of this mess.

Know you will get through this, it is going to be a long and painful journey, but just take one day at a time, one hour at a time. Lean on TRUSTED family members or friends, lean on us, lean on a GOOD infidelity counselor.

Hugs.....

Didact posted 8/10/2014 08:58 AM

If the other woman is married, I think that you need to tell her husband. This is the SINGLE biggest thing that you can do to lift your husband out of the "fog" of his feelings from the affair. (Note: his feelings are coming from the affair, not from her).

As others have suggested, you need to go get tested for STDs. That sucks, but it is true. There is almost NO chance that they haven't been having sex, and it has been unprotected. Read that last sentence again and again, because sadly, it is true.

Drink water, and try to eat. When you are getting your STD test, get a Rx for sleep aid, and use it when you need to. You are going to need a clear head in the weeks coming up, and you're going to struggle with sleep.

Know that his choice to have an affair has nothing to do with you. He will say very different things, maybe for months, but his decision was all about him. It had nothing to do with you, or even with the other woman, it was his decision to fill his needs or desires in the worst way.

losinit56 posted 8/10/2014 15:45 PM

I thank you all for your kind words, advice and encouragement. I really need this right now. I have only shared this with my one very close friend and no one else. I feel humiliated. I know I am too trusting and when I wasn't believing him, I actually felt guilty. The other woman is actually five years older than me. I am overweight and according to my husband can be bitchy at times. She is in better shape than me and so "sweet, friendly, and perky". Gag. I have not told her husband but I have been thinking of doing so. I just hate to cause someone else the hurt I am feeling.

I appreciate your warnings and insights. He does have a way of making me feel like this was my fault and at first I was buying it but not anymore. I am not convinced and you are all telling me that I shouldn't be convinced that this was not a physical relationship. He does insist he no longer even talks to her. She did tell him she was looking for another job. He says he is looking for another job but doesn't seem to be putting much effort into it. However, I stopped by his office to surprise him with a capuccino last week early in the morning. He came running out of the building, took the coffee and tried to send me on my way. It felt like he couldn't wait to get me out of there. As I was leaving I saw her pulling into the parking lot. I texted him and told him I saw why he was trying to get rid of me. He keeps insisting it was because he did not want a confrontation. I say he was protecting her from me. I would not do something like that at his place of employment even though I would like to. I told him I wasn't the lying deceitful person in this so he didn't need to protect her from me.
How do I found out what really went on? Will I ever?

Hope2B posted 8/10/2014 17:10 PM

I am overweight and according to my husband can be bitchy at times. She is in better shape than me and so "sweet, friendly, and perky".

There is always a reason why your philandering husband went astray, and it's usually to blame you for this or that, to deflect his lack of morals and character, to demonize you in some way so as to support his cheating! It doesn't matter what we look like, or if we're bitchy, or in less-than-stellar shape. It doesn't matter! Some of the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on by their spouses! You could be the sweetest and most beautiful person in the world, with nary a bitchy bone in your body, and his "reasons" would be something else about you--but it's NOT about you!!

As for you not wanting the other woman's spouse to feel the hurt you are feeling, PLEASE, don't you think he deserves to know who he married? Would you let the husband go blithely on, thinking things are great, when you know his wife was *in love* and planning to leave him? Please give the other husband the respect he deserves, and that respect is the truth and facts that you know. i.e. they kissed (at the very least!), he thought they were in love with one another, they talked about leaving their spouses, the texts you saw, the cards and love letters you saw.

Many people will advise you to NOT disclose to your husband that you will be informing the other spouse--why? because this will give him a heads-up to let his "little beach bunny" know, so she can do damage control at home and snow her husband.

I am a firm believer that you have a moral obligation to tell the spouse, and only the spouse, and not involve other parties in the affair.

I am not convinced and you are all telling me that I shouldn't be convinced that this was not a physical relationship. He does insist he no longer even talks to her.

He lies, he is a liar, you already know that. It doubtful and highly unlikely that he no longer even talks with her. He lies, remember? He's doing damage control.

She did tell him she was looking for another job. He says he is looking for another job but doesn't seem to be putting much effort into it.

...and you heard this from him? He lies. I know I'm coming off as negative, but it's based on experience.

However, I stopped by his office to surprise him with a capuccino last week early in the morning. He came running out of the building, took the coffee and tried to send me on my way. It felt like he couldn't wait to get me out of there. As I was leaving I saw her pulling into the parking lot. I texted him and told him I saw why he was trying to get rid of me. He keeps insisting it was because he did not want a confrontation.

Ah yes, bullshit at its finest. He is trying to keep you two separate. His behavior is screaming at me.

You may never find out what really went on, and you may *think* you know everything, but usually there will be surprises along this journey that you never even considered. You are dealing with a LIAR, remember? Someone who said his vows, made his promises, and then completely ignored them.

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 17:33 PM

You telling her husband isn't what will cause him pain. The pain is already there he's just unaware of it. They already caused it, the ow and your husband. Imagine she's been twisting things to her husband as well. Imagine him knowing something is up but he just can't quite put his finger on it. Sometimes the other bs has information to share that will connect some dots or answer some questions.

I also don't believe they didn't have sex. Where did the kissing happen? If they had anytime alone together, assume they had sex. They almost always lie and swear they didn't. His response that sex would be wrong is a big red flag. Really? That's wrong? So is an affair with a coworker. Kissing someone else's wife and so on. The two of them were never concerned with what was right or wrong. Don't believe for one minute that ethical reasons stopped them from anything.

LumpyLola posted 8/10/2014 19:17 PM

im sorry you have to be here, too. The folks here are really nice, though. They have helped me and Im sure they will help you too. Hang in there.

Edith posted 8/11/2014 08:00 AM

Honey, you telling her husband is not what will cause him pain. The pain will have been caused by what his wife is doing. And he likely is suspicious and in the dark, just like you were. He may even have information to shed more light on this illicit "friendship" to enlighten you. I strongly advise you to contact him ASAP.

Also, I was overweight when my H cheated. Yep, I changed that. Exercise, healthy eating and taking care of myself put me on the path to healing. Sometimes we focus so much on our marriage and children that we lose track of caring for ourselves. Put yourself first for a change, my dear. You can do this. One step at a time. Hugs.

E.

LivingALie posted 8/11/2014 09:03 AM

Gosh I swear you just wrote my own story!

My H had an affair with a co-worker. When I confronted him he said those exact same things. They only “talked” after work. It was just nonsense texting and flirting and he’d put a stop to it right away. It was wrong. At first I almost believed it. I just couldn’t imagine that my husband of 37 years could cheat. Be attracted and temped – sure, but actually cross the line..naaa, not him.

He told me he would stop talking to her at work too. After about 2 weeks I thought to myself “wait a minute here, you’re telling each other you’re in love, sending text messages, etc. I find out and bang, just like that, its all over?” On Friday they’re in love with each other and Monday its all over? Naa..didn’t make sense.

..and 2 grown adults would sit in the car and just talk? Really? He’s a man..she’s a woman..getting together in secret and nothing happens? Again, didn’t make sense.

Once I started looking at things logically instead of emotionally – things looked different and sad to say – I was right. They had been physical, a LOT more happened then he ever admitted to – as for not talking to her at work. What a joke that was – contact NEVER stopped until he finally left his job.

Don’t believe a word he says. Not.a.word. I know, I know…you’re probably saying to yourself “these folks are just so nice to help me out here, but my situation is just a tiny bit different, my husband just wouldn’t do something like that” Well…I could go on and on..but I think you get the message. He’s lying to you. I know, its so hard to think of your husband that way after all these years.

You’re going to find out – he did. Do not believe a word he tells you. Remember, he’s a liar and cheater and he’s looking to protect himself right now.

As for that little drama when you showed up at his office – almost the same thing happened in my situation too. He was protecting her and himself. Right now, he’s doing damage control.

One last thing – your weight? Sure would be nice and easy to say that was the problem, wouldn’t it? Gee..you think the problem might be that he was WRONG to lie and cheat to you for who knows how long? Wow, if he puts on a few pounds is it ok for YOU to cheat?

losinit56 posted 8/11/2014 15:09 PM

So, how do I find out what is true and what is not? He of course insists he has told me everything. We are going to counseling tomorrow for the first time. You are right in that he does tend to confuse me and make me want to believe him even though I logically no it makes more sense not to believe him. I am starting to wonder if it would be better to be apart some so I could think more clearly. I spent today at work in a semi-fog state because once again it is Monday and he is at work with her there all day. I can't keep going to work in this state of mind. I need to get myself together and stay focused.

lostcovenants posted 8/11/2014 15:46 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here - those of us who have been married for decades truly NEVER believe our spouse would lie, cheat, lie more, sneak around etc etc etc.

Please - start by thinking of the worse case possible and plan accordingly. If it turns out to be less - great - but it may be a long time before you know the full truth. Many of us never get it.

First get to your doctor for full std testing. My WS said they ALWAYS used protection over the years they had sex. She is a hospice nurse - well that was a big fat lie. I was humiliated - but I was at the doctors with my legs in the stirrups because of HIM not me!

Talk to a lawyer, know what the law is in your state.

Check ALL financial records and phone bills. Become a detective. Keep all your evidence in a safe place.

I'm so sorry - my WS was still an ass for months after I confronted him. I think we are finally on the real road to recovery - but my eyes are wide open.

I'm sorry you are here - God bless

whattheh posted 8/11/2014 17:31 PM

I was betrayed after 30 years of M and blindsided. My guess is there's a lot more that happened than he's telling rite now if they got to the point of professing love. And gifts etc. They are adults and I can't see them risking it all for just talk and no sexual contact. IMO

Most cheaters minimize and lie when found out. Confronting him with real evidence may help to get him talkin truths.

what can be done to get him away from wotking with OW? That's unacceptable and makes this so much tougher on you. If he wants to reconcile then he needs to do everything with your best interests as thr number one priority and for your healing.

I'm sorry for what your going thru. Its so hard to be betrayed after so many years of M..... be aware that you are at a higher risk of ptsd or ptsd symptoms given the length of marriage and the shock that you've had.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:33 PM, August 11th (Monday)]