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Friends son commits suicide

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InnerLight posted 8/9/2014 21:22 PM

He told me the terrible story of how his 18 year old honor student son bought a shotgun in the afternoon and killed himself in the eve. This kid had a lot of friends, a gorgeous girlfriend, parents and siblings that loved him, acceptance into a great college.

My friend feels horrible but is really worried about the girlfriend. 'Can you imagine what this does to her as a woman?' He said to me. ' to know that her love for him was not enough to keep him from such an act?'

And I've been thinking to myself yes I kind of do know what that's like. It's been six years since DDay, and as much as I've moved on it still hurts that XH essentially committed marital suicide. And I've been thinking of all the hundreds (thousands) of BSs on this site who's confidence and self esteem get smashed up by the betrayal and I am sorry for all of us infidelity widows and widowers.

A child committing suicide is horrific. Perhaps I should not make any comparison. It's just that when my friend said this about this kids girlfriend, I felt myself in her shoes for a moment as if I knew what it was like...

I will say after 6 years there is a lot of recovery, but I still feel the pain.

Skan posted 8/10/2014 00:16 AM

Oh God. I'm so sorry. I'll be keeping your friend in my prayers. And you. (((hugs)))

gonnabe2016 posted 8/10/2014 00:24 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this story. {{hugs}}

He said to me. 'Can you imagine what this does to her as a woman?' ' to know that her love for him was not enough to keep him from such an act?'
How did you respond when he said this?
As horrible as I would feel for a friend whose child had just committed suicide, it would be really hard for me to let a statement like this just slide by. Because just like betrayal, a person's choice to commit suicide is all about the person committing the act, kwim?

Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 01:08 AM

My good friends son also did. Young married couple with children. She was military and cheated on him...he hung himself..tragic.
Your friends statement was unfair to this gf.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:08 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Stillstings posted 8/10/2014 01:20 AM

As horrible as I would feel for a friend whose child had just committed suicide, it would be really hard for me to let a statement like this just slide by. Because just like betrayal, a person's choice to commit suicide is all about the person committing the act, kwim?

Unfortunately there isn't much that can be said without it ending badly, regardless of good intentions.

Logically his son made a choice that was his to own but I would not say that to a grieving parent, not so early on. This sounds like the bargaining phase of grief from a person who is in a world of pain. I don't think they're trying to foist anything on the girlfriend on purpose either.


Kajem posted 8/10/2014 01:28 AM

I'm so sorry for your friend, friends son and all who loved him.

Hugs for you,
K

tired girl posted 8/10/2014 05:10 AM

'

Can you imagine what this does to her as a woman?' He said to me. ' to know that her love for him was not enough to keep him from such an act?

I pray to God that he never voices this to her in any way. It has taken me years to get past survivor's guilt with my brother's suicide. And for me, I would go through this infidelity crap ten times over to never suffer through my brother's suicide. Not even close to the same.

painpaingoaway posted 8/10/2014 06:51 AM

I am so sorry for your friend's loss, but, IMO, to say something like, '

to know that her love for him was not enough to keep him from such an act?'
is completely off base and bizarre. My guess would be that the young man probably had an undiagnosed mental illness.

I agree with TG. I hope he never says anything like that to the girlfriend.

norabird posted 8/10/2014 07:13 AM

((((IL))))

(((((TG)))))

Time Ticks On posted 8/10/2014 10:21 AM

As someone who has tried suicide many times in the past and who had a brother and stepfather commit suicide....no ones love is enough to save them. It is only the love for ourselves that can save us. A person who wants to commit suicide (most times) decides that others will be better off without them. That we are dragging them down. Life will be better for others when we die. My brother's was different though.

He worked two jobs to support his wife and 3 year old. His wife had an affair with someone she met online. He found out. He told her he just wanted to die. She went to the kitchen, took her gun from the top of the fridge, threw it on the bed , and said just do it then. He was dead before she reached the door. He was 23.

I can see how you compare the GF to BS, the pain , the confusion, and wondering what we could have done to prevent it. The difference is marital suicide is about the WS' pleasure and fun at a huge cost to us. Suicide is about that person's pain.

[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 12:57 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

cayc posted 8/10/2014 10:28 AM

My high school boyfriend committed suicide while I was away for the summer on a study abroad program (pre-internet, so not really any communication going on at that point).

My parents waited to tell me until I came home. By that point he'd been dead and buried for 2 months.

I never saw it as my fault. I never saw it as a reflection of how much I cared about him. That's a strange viewpoint to me. I do remember wishing he had talked to me, reached out ... but blaming myself? Never.

I also still think about him to this day. And sometimes, when I encounter something particularly freeing or delightful, I wish he hadn't given up.

Maybe your friend is really expressing what he feels, but ascribing it to the girlfriend so he doesn't have to admit to himself.

InnerLight posted 8/10/2014 12:55 PM

Thanks for all your thoughts. And for those of you who made attempts or had a dear one committ suicide, some extra big hugs.

I also made a serious attempt as a teen and I never considered or realized the pain I would cause if I died. I do understand that now, and in the year after DDay not wanting to hurt my sister and mom was the main reason I would stop my mind from thinking very far along those lines. I felt so awful and wanted to end it, but now I know I would never do it as I don't want to cause that kind of suffering that I understand as an adult.

I think my friend meant that he could see the pain of this young woman who was his son's girlfriend and is very very worried about her. Everyone is suffering as a result of his suicide but he feels that her suffering is also related to her strugling with the feeling that in some way the suicide is a rejection of her. He senses that it affects her sense of worthiness as a woman since they were lovers, and the son told her he was in love with her. And yet he still did this terrible thing.

My friend could, in part, be projecting his own terrible feeling of rejection as a father, on to this girlfriend. I don't know.

Objectively he knows he is not to blame, he knows she knows she is not to blame. They've had discussions in their family about not blaming themselves. But in the dark corners these terrible feelings still lurk.

And I think as BSs we are familiar with these terrible feelings. Objectively we can say my WS was a jerk, he or she was selfish, or an SA, or whatever. We are not to blame, there were other options for the WS but he or she made the bad choice. But for some of us at least we also have these dark corners where the betrayal affects our sense of self all the way to our core.

I am living with that core wound, it is not gaping and raw anymore, it is way more healed after 6 years but I do still feel it.

inconnu posted 8/10/2014 14:23 PM

' to know that her love for him was not enough to keep him from such an act?'

that's just bullshit, and grief, talking. I hope to hell he doesn't put that idea in the poor girl's head. Suicide has nothing to do with "her love for him" and everything to do with the person's love for themselves. (Speaking as someone who's father killed himself when I was a teenager.)

InnerLight posted 8/10/2014 14:57 PM

Perhaps I haven't articulated what I wanted to share very well. Of course it's bullshit taken as fact and my friend gets it. Of course he would never tell the girl that her love wasn't enough. The point is many of us harbor these irrational feelings even if we know objectively that they don't make sense and we are not to blame for others' actions. As much as I know it was about my X and not me, part of me, a deep dark corner of me, feels like my love was not enough.

Cally60 posted 8/10/2014 19:20 PM

The point is many of us harbor these irrational feelings even if we know objectively that they don't make sense and we are not to blame for others' actions.

Not only that, but in the shock and devastation that follow a family tragedy, a lot of people make out-of-character, hurtful and/or illogical comments. They should not be taken at face value, as it's the pain talking. Forgetting is often impossible. But I think that forgiveness, understanding and silent sympathy are the appropriate responses.

Your friend's concern seemed to me, too, to be for the girlfriend in the pain that she must also have felt, Innerlight. And I'm so sorry - not only for your friend and his family, but about the pain of the past memories that this tragedy has brought to you. All the more so, in that it comes so soon after the loss of your beloved brother-in-law. Perhaps your own experience will eventually enable you to help your friend and his family in their search for understanding and acceptance of the incomprehensible.

But until then, {{{Innerlight}}}

[This message edited by Cally60 at 7:20 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

idontknowwhy5 posted 8/10/2014 19:58 PM

Many years ago I repeated a comment I had read somewhere, "People don't kill themselves because they want to die, they do it to end the pain." A person I didn't realize was listening piped up and said that that was a very insightful thing to say. I found out years later that she was dying from an inoperable cancer, and she knew it at the time.

The point is, I imagine in the vast majority of cases you should not blame yourself for the choices made by others. A person you may think has an ideal life could very well be a degree of pain that for them is intolerable, and you might not even know anything about it.

OakStreet posted 8/10/2014 20:16 PM

My brother committed suicide this past week.

He was in such pain - suffering from depression and who-knows-what demons.

This is the 3rd child my mother has lost (the others to cancer).

I think we are at peace. We are so sad he is gone,
but glad he is not suffering. He tried medication and, indeed, had much to live for.

I believe that it is not done out of malice, but incredible pain and that the person can see no way out.

I am sure there will be another roller coaster of feelings to come....

WhatsRight posted 8/10/2014 20:23 PM

OakStreet...

I am so, so very sorry for your loss. In the distant past, I have felt that when someone takes their own life, it is very selfish. Now, I believe that they are in so very much pain and see no way out. I don't think it is a reflection on being selfish at all.

I will be thinking of you and your family over the next few weeks. I'm so sorry that your brother has been so unhappy and depressed. And I'm so sorry for how much you will miss him.

OakStreet posted 8/10/2014 22:23 PM

Thank you, WhatsRight.

InnerLight posted 8/10/2014 22:32 PM

I am so sorry for your loss OakStreet. Sending prayers and healing thoughts for your brother and your whole family. (((((OS)))))

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