My husband had an EA with a co-worker last year, from July to early December. It was more than intense, it was manic.
I have the phone bill and they were texting like crazies. Some days 100x during the work hours (I don't know how much work was done, but probably not that much), and more texting at night (till 1 in the morning sometimes). They were also emailing constantly, going for walks around the company building, and he was taking her back to her car 4x a week. On top of this there were happy hours, trip to the ice-skating, trip to a lab. And they started running every morning from mid-October.
I read some emails where my husband would arrange a walk with her, and then later on (1 to 2 hours maybe) arrange another one. I really struggle with this. I mean, after a while, you don't really have that much to say anymore, no? Don't you start to be sick of hearing/seeing the same person all the time? I get the "this person is so great I want to see her all the time", but this is too much.
I told him that if he would have been that intense with me at the start, I would have run a mile. No personal space at all.
He keeps telling me it was like being on drugs. At one point she wasn't answering his texts in the evening. Still, he carried on texting her. He tells me that just knowing that he would get a text back from her would be enough feedback. He started mimicking her type of writing. Using the same words. Using the same repetition (arrived at work ok. Off to a meeting. Meeting done. Hooray). When I read some emails, I have to look at the sender to see who wrote them. They could be from the same person.
He started also mimicking her behavior. Taking risks (gym at 9am on a Tuesday), playing the naughty school kid (sending stupid turtle pictures during meetings, texting under the desk), laughing at people, critizing the managers (and yes, he was one of them). I asked him about the risks he was taking at work. If he had any concerns, he would listen to her justifications. Any would do. 3 people told her that my husband seemed to be very chummy with her. Her answer: they need to mind their own business. His? Nobody complained to him directly. So he was fine.
My husband has had a serious personality transplant. That's the only thing I am sure of.
Just as a note, I want to add that this weird behavior started early last year. We were in the process of buying a house. He kept emailing the title company to see if we could close on the same day. Or the next day. Or the afternoon after. It was weird. We bought houses before, and he was never like this.
2013 was pretty intense for us. We had a newborn, our dog died (Jan), we bought a foreclosure (March), his dad died (April), he started a new role at his company (April),we remodeled our previous house to rent (June), our eldest daughter left for college (Aug). And of course, the icing on the cake was to find out that my husband had an affair at work (Dec).
After I found out that he was having an affair, I sent the COW a very curt email to tell her to back off and I chucked him out. He called me a few times from work crying. On January 16th he had a break-down and went on short disability leave for 10 weeks. He has been working from home since April.
Anybody could help me understand what happened to him? He's better, but still not the man I married.
Separating for my own sanity.
Anyway, did the OW back off when you told her to? Did he ever talk about her while the EA was going on? Did he come clean when you confronted him. What is your husband's reason why it happened?
He never talked about her, ever, during is EA. I met her at an aquarium in Sept (she wanted to meet the family - how nice!). I asked my husband a few times after that - have you seen her again? No, I haven't. I never pushed the issue. Anyway, I would have gotten lies.
When I confronted him, he admitted some things, but minimized and lied a lot. We are 9 mths out, and he still TT's. It's wearing me down, big time. He had an affair for 4 months. We have been talking about it for 9. It's getting to the point where you just want to start talking about something else.
The reasons he gave me for keeping quiet about his "friend" at work:
we were not close anymore.
We were doing too much with the kids.
She seemed interested in him.
She gave him lots of feedback (you're so funny! you're such a sweet guy! Don't ever let anybody tell you you're not a nice guy - ha ha ha. Yeah right)
She was answering his texts.
If we have a good day, he's a nice guy. If we have a crap day and I get p****d at his behavior during the A, he clams up, goes to his rented room (My choice, not his) and doesn't call us. Or gets upset if I sends him a "F*** You" email. Not trying at any cost to help me, not trying to talk to the kids (we have 5). Just feels very sorry for himself. Which is kind of funny. Last year I was working my butt off at home, always trying to make his life easy peasy. He would go to work and see his "special friend", who was giving him positivie feedback the whole day. This year? A mega mad wife, and his "special friend" doesn't want to talk to him anymore.
What I find funny though, is that the COW thought that my husband was really really into her.
In fact, he has just become totally loopy.
WH also describes this as an addiction. He says he didn't let me know how he was feeling early on before it got out of hand because he knew I would take it away and end the friendship (he was right there) and that he loved the feeling of not only the ego kibbles of how she made him feel, but also that he was able to make someone else feel so good. I can now see how this becomes an addiction...it is a terrible cycle - AP gives ego kibbles and makes them feel great; then they feel terrible for what they are doing and down...so, more ego kibbles are needed. Soon it is like needing a fix from a drug. My WH used this analogy as well.
It is a sick, sick, sick cycle. I wish I didn't feel so knowledgeable about it, but I do feel that "understanding" the pattern and seeing that it is common does help some toward healing. It has also helped WH to see how foolish he was yo not have know what yo look for and how common and easy it is to fall into - you know, at the time it seemed SO special and rare and that they must have been a perfect match. Now he sees the truth...nothing special at it or OW...just two selfish people providing a fix for each other.
On the "what they could possibly talk about" side....remember that these were basically two strangers when this started. There are years and years of history to reveal to each other...EVERYTHING is new and fresh. I my WH's case, history and life stories was the majority of the conversation and then of course eventually some discussion of fantasy entered in as well...no sextibg or even overly romantic stuff...just sharing with each other. That can fill a LOT of time.
Also consider this. WH also said that OW was easy to talk to. Initially he thought this was because she was so special, but understanding what happens in an affair has changed that. Of COURSE she was easy to talk to...she had NO expectations of him, no daily life struggles, no condemnation (a women cheating on her husband is certainly not in a place to condemn), and generally no vested interest in his decisons (ie-especially things like kids and financial decisions). Seeing how this works, I can see the appeal. Disgusted by it, but I can understand it somewhat.
So, my advice, try to understand and see what he saw as benefits from the relationship. It doesn't hurt less, but it does take the "monster I'm married to" feeling to a more tolerable level.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by peaceBmine at 7:50 AM, August 11th (Monday)]
eventually men will always sexualize intimate feeling...just wish I would have found out and put a stop to it 2 weeks earlier
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[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:16 AM, August 11th (Monday)]