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Intense behavior

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EmbraceTheChange posted 8/9/2014 21:22 PM

I hope that somebody can help me.

My husband had an EA with a co-worker last year, from July to early December. It was more than intense, it was manic.

I have the phone bill and they were texting like crazies. Some days 100x during the work hours (I don't know how much work was done, but probably not that much), and more texting at night (till 1 in the morning sometimes). They were also emailing constantly, going for walks around the company building, and he was taking her back to her car 4x a week. On top of this there were happy hours, trip to the ice-skating, trip to a lab. And they started running every morning from mid-October.

I read some emails where my husband would arrange a walk with her, and then later on (1 to 2 hours maybe) arrange another one. I really struggle with this. I mean, after a while, you don't really have that much to say anymore, no? Don't you start to be sick of hearing/seeing the same person all the time? I get the "this person is so great I want to see her all the time", but this is too much.

I told him that if he would have been that intense with me at the start, I would have run a mile. No personal space at all.

He keeps telling me it was like being on drugs. At one point she wasn't answering his texts in the evening. Still, he carried on texting her. He tells me that just knowing that he would get a text back from her would be enough feedback. He started mimicking her type of writing. Using the same words. Using the same repetition (arrived at work ok. Off to a meeting. Meeting done. Hooray). When I read some emails, I have to look at the sender to see who wrote them. They could be from the same person.

He started also mimicking her behavior. Taking risks (gym at 9am on a Tuesday), playing the naughty school kid (sending stupid turtle pictures during meetings, texting under the desk), laughing at people, critizing the managers (and yes, he was one of them). I asked him about the risks he was taking at work. If he had any concerns, he would listen to her justifications. Any would do. 3 people told her that my husband seemed to be very chummy with her. Her answer: they need to mind their own business. His? Nobody complained to him directly. So he was fine.

My husband has had a serious personality transplant. That's the only thing I am sure of.

Just as a note, I want to add that this weird behavior started early last year. We were in the process of buying a house. He kept emailing the title company to see if we could close on the same day. Or the next day. Or the afternoon after. It was weird. We bought houses before, and he was never like this.

2013 was pretty intense for us. We had a newborn, our dog died (Jan), we bought a foreclosure (March), his dad died (April), he started a new role at his company (April),we remodeled our previous house to rent (June), our eldest daughter left for college (Aug). And of course, the icing on the cake was to find out that my husband had an affair at work (Dec).

After I found out that he was having an affair, I sent the COW a very curt email to tell her to back off and I chucked him out. He called me a few times from work crying. On January 16th he had a break-down and went on short disability leave for 10 weeks. He has been working from home since April.

Anybody could help me understand what happened to him? He's better, but still not the man I married.


Scubachick posted 8/9/2014 22:05 PM

My husband also had an EA with an employee of his and acted the same way....excessive texting, gossiping and making fun of other employees, copied her texting style (TY instead of Thank you, smiley faces etc) but only used it with her. It made me sick to find out they were texting 100's times a day. There were some days when they literally didn't go more than 10 min without texting each other for 14 hours straight! They would text as late as 4am. He tried to say it was strictly business he also risked his business to spend time with her. She could have easily got him for sexual harassment. He's never been this way except with her. It's like all of his personal and professional boundaries went out the window with her. He still claims she meant nothing to him,

Anyway, did the OW back off when you told her to? Did he ever talk about her while the EA was going on? Did he come clean when you confronted him. What is your husband's reason why it happened?

EmbraceTheChange posted 8/9/2014 22:48 PM

Yeah, she backed off. The morning she got my email, she cornered my husband in a corridor at work, and had a heated argument about it. In her head, she did nothing wrong. She was just friend with him. Flirting when you're married is ok. Sending pictures of Victoria Secret underwear and asking my husband what he thinks of it is ok. Saying that you're vaccuming in your undies is ok. Talking about your breast is ok. Asking my husband who else he fancies at work is ok.

He never talked about her, ever, during is EA. I met her at an aquarium in Sept (she wanted to meet the family - how nice!). I asked my husband a few times after that - have you seen her again? No, I haven't. I never pushed the issue. Anyway, I would have gotten lies.

When I confronted him, he admitted some things, but minimized and lied a lot. We are 9 mths out, and he still TT's. It's wearing me down, big time. He had an affair for 4 months. We have been talking about it for 9. It's getting to the point where you just want to start talking about something else.

The reasons he gave me for keeping quiet about his "friend" at work:
we were not close anymore.
We were doing too much with the kids.
She seemed interested in him.
She gave him lots of feedback (you're so funny! you're such a sweet guy! Don't ever let anybody tell you you're not a nice guy - ha ha ha. Yeah right)
She was answering his texts.

If we have a good day, he's a nice guy. If we have a crap day and I get p****d at his behavior during the A, he clams up, goes to his rented room (My choice, not his) and doesn't call us. Or gets upset if I sends him a "F*** You" email. Not trying at any cost to help me, not trying to talk to the kids (we have 5). Just feels very sorry for himself. Which is kind of funny. Last year I was working my butt off at home, always trying to make his life easy peasy. He would go to work and see his "special friend", who was giving him positivie feedback the whole day. This year? A mega mad wife, and his "special friend" doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

What I find funny though, is that the COW thought that my husband was really really into her.
In fact, he has just become totally loopy.

peaceBmine posted 8/10/2014 07:25 AM

Your story is VERY familiar to me. WH and OW texted around 15,000 per month and that didn't include the hours of phone calls and the meet ups to talk every few days. WH is fairly quiet...he listens and gathers information normally, but with her, he TALKED. this is what I've struggled with so much. (Although now I am having a harder time with the sex as often will sexualize intimate feelings...just wish I would have found out and put a stop to it 2 weeks earlier)

WH also describes this as an addiction. He says he didn't let me know how he was feeling early on before it got out of hand because he knew I would take it away and end the friendship (he was right there) and that he loved the feeling of not only the ego kibbles of how she made him feel, but also that he was able to make someone else feel so good. I can now see how this becomes an is a terrible cycle - AP gives ego kibbles and makes them feel great; then they feel terrible for what they are doing and, more ego kibbles are needed. Soon it is like needing a fix from a drug. My WH used this analogy as well.

It is a sick, sick, sick cycle. I wish I didn't feel so knowledgeable about it, but I do feel that "understanding" the pattern and seeing that it is common does help some toward healing. It has also helped WH to see how foolish he was yo not have know what yo look for and how common and easy it is to fall into - you know, at the time it seemed SO special and rare and that they must have been a perfect match. Now he sees the truth...nothing special at it or OW...just two selfish people providing a fix for each other.

On the "what they could possibly talk about" side....remember that these were basically two strangers when this started. There are years and years of history to reveal to each other...EVERYTHING is new and fresh. I my WH's case, history and life stories was the majority of the conversation and then of course eventually some discussion of fantasy entered in as sextibg or even overly romantic stuff...just sharing with each other. That can fill a LOT of time.

Also consider this. WH also said that OW was easy to talk to. Initially he thought this was because she was so special, but understanding what happens in an affair has changed that. Of COURSE she was easy to talk to...she had NO expectations of him, no daily life struggles, no condemnation (a women cheating on her husband is certainly not in a place to condemn), and generally no vested interest in his decisons (ie-especially things like kids and financial decisions). Seeing how this works, I can see the appeal. Disgusted by it, but I can understand it somewhat.

So, my advice, try to understand and see what he saw as benefits from the relationship. It doesn't hurt less, but it does take the "monster I'm married to" feeling to a more tolerable level.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by peaceBmine at 7:50 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

4better4worse posted 8/10/2014 16:22 PM

I don't have any answers but I'm in the same boat. I printed out the phone bill of texts just to have a tangible thing to go with the pain of it all. It KILLS me that I will never know what exactly they talked about in all those texts--- hundreds of them, throughout the day, while at work. When they weren't texting they were on the phone talking (usually on his way home from work). This lasted only about 2 weeks but I feel the same as anyone else having been traumatized by a betrayal of a spouse. He thinks because of the shortness of it that I should be doing better by now. He says I haven't forgiven him and that I hate him. I say that forgiveness and healing do not necessarily mean the hurt is over--- and yes I can agree that I feel hatred but not for him, it is for what he did. For ego kibbles, no less. I have been sold out for a few ego boosting moments. That hurts so much that he didn't care enough about me and our 21 year marriage to have the sense to run the other way when he had the time to do it. He even admitted to me that he knew he let his boundaries down, for why I will never know. He had never done anything like that before. Now I don't even know who that person is anymore. Can I trust him? It's hard to say when a person regards the marriage vow so little that they risk it for a few compliments. It will never be ok in my book what he did, even if I ever figure out the why!

Scubachick posted 8/11/2014 00:18 AM

The way my IC described it was that my husband was miserable with his business. It wasn't doing well and there were a lot of problems. And the OW brought a jolt of excitement/energy to his day. She was a welcomed distraction and made being at work a little less miserable for him. Of coarse it helped that she could relate to his work problems because she worked there too. His business was his life. All he did was work and so did she. She'd been working for him for over 10 years so got him in ways I never could. I resented his business because he was a workaholic. Plus she was a yes man. She agreed with everything he said. Told him how smart he was and that he was so good with words. Maybe this could be something like what happened with your husband?

SI Staff posted 8/11/2014 06:16 AM


eventually men will always sexualize intimate feeling...just wish I would have found out and put a stop to it 2 weeks earlier

Please don't generalize, it is against the site guidelines.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:16 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

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