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How do you re establish yourself?

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HeBrokeVows posted 8/10/2014 00:16 AM

I sit here asking myself what do I want in life? What does my future look like now that I will be divorced? I had a great life before marriage. Great career, nice social life, involved in clubs and such. However now that I have kids that lifestyle wouldn't work. I can't work the hours I did before marriage now that I have kids (havent even worked in 5 years). My social life was fun but lots of impromptu coffee shop, dessert, hanging out with friends, wine bars. Nothing crazy but I don't live by places like that now in suburban life and I have young kids. I still have a few clubs I belong to but they've been on hiatus over summer and I can't see how I will do the volunteer work I did with them now that I'm going through a divorce.

I feel like I've been living the suburban family life and I loved my married family life. Yet now I'm single. I want to run back into the city because that's what I know of single life. But I can't, I have my kids of course.

I only will go out so many nights a month with hiring sitters and so forth. I am starting with a weekly divorce support group and that is my priority so I don't want to do much more socially a week. Maybe once a month moms night out dinner and a meeting for a club. I'm making myself do something new when kids are at school in the afternoons so I will do an exercise class. Me and all the married moms around town. (Rolling eyes)

But who am I? I loved reading, plays, concerts. I don't see myself doing these things now. I feel like I'm 22 years old again right out of college and not knowing what to do next.

This single life will be so much different than pre marriage in the 20's.

Keep in mind i haves my kids 24/7. WH sees them a few hours a week.

How do I "find myself" single again and divorced with kids?

[This message edited by HeBrokeVows at 12:40 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/10/2014 00:41 AM

One day at a time. Scale back drastically, as you've done, and then slowly see what you can do without exhausting yourself. Be open to new possibilities. Be open to leaving behind certain activities or people who no longer benefit your life.

Pass posted 8/10/2014 10:00 AM

I feel like I've been living the suburban family life and I loved my married family life. Yet now I'm single. I want to run back into the city because that's what I know of single life. But I can't, I have my kids of course.

You may not need to abandon the idea of living in the city. Many of us have been trapped in the idea of "growing up moving to the suburbs". A rental apartment in the city is a lot cheaper than a suburban mortgage. Also a rental apartment doesn't have all those ticking financial time bombs of owning a house: You never have to pay for repairs, and you never have to pay to replace old appliances. Yes, there is less space, but think about whether you REALLY need the space.

My kids and I LOVE the city. Our apartment is small, but we go for a lot of walks - no matter what the weather is - and we spend way more time together than we used to. If we have to go somewhere, it's almost always within walking distance, so we get exercise AND we don't have the added expense of a car.

I have my boys on every weekend and holiday, but they spend school time at their mom's suburban house. I have to confess that I would have been worried about moving them away from their schools. That's why I agreed to let her have them for so much of the week - I couldn't afford the suburbs. However, they have both asked if they can live with me full time. They're strong, independent boys, and a stable home life looks good to them, even if it means changing schools.

Sorry to preach on that: Favourite topic.

But who am I? I loved reading, plays, concerts. I don't see myself doing these things now. I feel like I'm 22 years old again right out of college and not knowing what to do next.

If you're in a reasonable-sized city, there are a ton of events you can take your kids to. As long as kids aren't NOT allowed, just take them with you. Even if it's a concert or play that you think they wouldn't be interested in, take them anyhow - even stuff you hate is ALWAYS better live. A lot of festivals have really cheap prices for kids admission.

Also, look for "alternative" sporting events. We've been going to see roller derby. It's not violent like in the movies, and has this great grassroots, alternative vibe: You can honestly feel the love in the room, and it's quite inexpensive.

Your public library is a great place to go. First of all, free books (even graphic novels, if you have a budding comic book geek). There are also some cool things going on there sometimes.

Have fun!

tesla posted 8/10/2014 16:35 PM

I had no idea who I was when D-day hit. I had taken on all ex-shat's dreams and life ambitions on. I had been a SAHM but had been isolated in my marriage. I live in a rural town with no family and no friends at the time of D-day.

Finding myself took time and early on I stopped worrying about how I socially appeared to others. Fuck them, they don't know the road I've walked. Slowly but surely, I found my passions and my voice. I've found people who enjoy those things with me. And I've discovered that I don't really mind doing what I like on my own.

Just give it time and try not to worry about it. Your children will be in full day school before you know it and you'll work in more of you. One thing that I've enjoyed doing as Teslet has gotten older is introducing him to the things that I love. The last two years I've been able to take him on little hikes and short camping trips. This year, I introduced him to baseball and taken him to his first baseball game. Not quite the same as adult me-time...but pretty damn rewarding to pass on my passions.

Kajem posted 8/10/2014 20:56 PM

Check out meetup.com there is a lot to do during the day when kids are in school.

Pre divorce I was very involved in my kids elementary school. As soon as my divorce was final (early in the school year) I was encouraged to apply for a teacher aid position. I took a paraprofessional exam and was hired. I enjoyed it. I had similar hours and the same vacations. It was a good transition job for me and my kids.

K

Futurefear posted 8/10/2014 21:03 PM

I've been wondering the same thing. All my friends are married and they really don't know what to say to me anymore about the situation.
I'm hoping to find myself again once he is out of the house and my kids and I can establish a routine without him.

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