SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

notyours posted 8/10/2014 00:39 AM

So I'm livid right now because DD#1 was on 7/13, and now a month later I'm checking WH's phone and I find a chat dated TODAY with some chick. This is some real BS because we had agreed to R, me very reluctantly and him "appearing remorseful" so now I don't know what to do. I told him to leave, he was sleep and I told him to get up and just go because I don't want to be around him.
I'm so done right now, I mean how can I be supportive if you are only a month out from the bomb dropping to turn right back around to your texting/sexting other random women. It makes me sick to think that I thought we should R for our kids and future. Now I just want to move on so I can stop hurting, I don't want to wait up for him at night or worry how he is doing during the day. I just want to worry about my kids and myself. My stomach was in knots all afternoon/evening because I hadn't heard from him since he left to do grocery shopping around 4 and didn't come back until late about 10 and that was one of my conditions to call to check in and now I know why. Whoever said it before was right. The GUT knows and I'm trusting it right now. I mean how much can a person take??

Jpapageorge posted 8/10/2014 01:13 AM

Hey Notyours,

I am so sorry you are going through this right now-again.

Right now you do need to just worry about you and your kids.

Try to get some rest tonight. I know it will be tough with all that is going on but you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and, although it is a little slow around here right now, we are all here to support you.

Jp.

tfkeel posted 8/10/2014 01:25 AM

I just want to worry about my kids and myself.

Exactly right. My advice is to drop all the "checking". If he wants to cheat, you can't build the wall high enough, nor the moat wide enough, to keep him in the castle.

However, what you can do, in time, is to shut him out of your life so that what he does doesn't affect you.

Don't worry about "being supportive". In fact, REFUSE to support him. Let him put on his big boy pants and grow up all by himself.

healingroad posted 8/10/2014 01:41 AM

(((notyours)))

I mean how much can a person take??

I don't know if it will make it any better, but your situation isn't that unusual. It's a false R and in my (humble?) opinion it's just about the worse thing a spouse can do to another. It takes the A and just magnifies it and makes it so much worse.

But, it does happen and yes, we do get through it somehow. My profile might be useful to see an example of progressing through a false R and ultimately deciding what to do about it. For me it was D, but you'll need to come to your own conclusion.

I wish you didn't have to deal with this, but you're in a good place. Keep posting. For me, SI has been close to a lifesaver. I think I'd be so much worse off if I didn't have the support of people here.

You're right to turn your concern to you and the kids. Your WH is in a magical fantasyland and he's no good to you right now. IF he snaps out of it quickly and does a whole bunch of HARD work and is ready to PROVE it to you, then maybe you'll want to give him a chance, but right now you're right to have kicked him out.

bigskyblues posted 8/10/2014 04:42 AM

My DD#1 and #2 were about a month apart as well. When DD#2 hit I knew she wasn't going to change (I don't even know if she could change if she wanted to)and I had enough. I knew I needed to remain strong for our family and the only way to do that was without her. You've made the right decision because he isn't going to change. You and your children deserve better that this!

Wish you the very best!

BSB

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/10/2014 06:28 AM

So, your gift of forgiveness and agreeing to reconcile after his last bout of cheating was basically thrown in the garbage barely one month later?

Yup, he's shown you exactly who he is.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe it.

Don't be surprised when he starts the whining and crying for yet another chance, and claiming he's a 'sex addict' in order to get in your good graces and blame his behavior on something medical. Seems they're pretty much ALL doing that, now.

notyours posted 8/10/2014 07:44 AM

Thanks everyone, I had a glass of wine and went to sleep. I will focus on my children and myself and try to create some sort of new normal. I couldn't get the 180 started, I just didn't have it in me, now I think I'm ready. What should I do about MC??, Should I tell her we are cancelling, should I go alone and make it IC, not sure what to do.

somer222 posted 8/10/2014 09:18 AM

I'm so sorry! Yes, call the MC and ask if they do IC. Keep posting here, but it does help to have someone in real life to talk to about this.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 8/10/2014 09:19 AM

Hi notyours,

Really sorry for the DD#2 pain bomb that you just got.

Most people here will probably say forget MC right now (waste of time and money), and do IC for you now. And if ws is truly remorseful he'd need to do his own IC to see why he did this.

I'd cancel MC ( ws will most likely just minimize and blame during MC) til ws show's commitment and accepts all terms of your requirements for R.

Start the 180 asap--now.

Good luck. Again, so sorry.

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 12:51 PM

Yep if you can turn that MC into IC do so. Do not attend anymore MC with him. If he asks tell him it's pointless and leave it at that.

The 180 can be hard and you'll mess up sometimes. Dont be hard on yourself when that happens, just get back on track asap. Come here and post and you'll get support.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

confused615 posted 8/10/2014 12:58 PM

You do know he wasn't at the store until 10PM..right?

STD tests...asap.

I think you should see an attorney and find out what your rights are.

Im sorry.

CallMeRed1 posted 8/10/2014 16:11 PM

I am so so sorry. I know how you feel.

Look after you and your children.
PLEASE get checked for STDs.

Put yourself first now, you and your children. This is what is important now.

Be kind to yourself.

BlueinStLou posted 8/11/2014 11:50 AM

I just had DD#3. I feel your pain.

What I told WH was "what is there that you can show me is different in this DD than in the previous ones?"

If there isn't anything different, then you get him the heck out of there. If there is, then IMHO, you should think about whether it makes a difference to you or not.

In my case, I can see that DD#3 is different, but I am still trying to figure out whether it is enough to justify me trying anymore. In the meantime, I already started the protection measures mentioned by others. I'm getting my financial, document, and other ducks in order in case the other shoe drops (which is what I feel like I am waiting for).