I realized something tonight. For the first time in our marriage my husband isn't blaming me for his bad choices. Maybe this is a positive change, but I still don't know what to do.
We've been married for 6 years, and he's been actively cultivating a long term emotional and sexual affair with his ex girlfriend throughout our marriage.
I found out about his affair probably three years ago. We went to counseling, but he wouldn't show me their emails or give me much detail. He blamed me. He said I was a bitch; which drove him to her arms as an escape. It was probably accurate at the time, but in my opinion that's not reason enough to have an affair. Either tell me you're unhappy and allow me the opportunity to change or just leave me.
Fast forward three years - for the most part I thought things were better. But I guess a part of me still didn't trust him. I checked his pockets and found a receipt to a restaurant that I didn't remember going to with him. I confronted him and he came clean on the affair. Turns out I was wrong about the receipt - it was to a Chinese place we go to all the time. It was definitely ours. We still had the leftovers in the fridge. I just never order the food so I got confused. Even though my evidence was wrong, I was still right.
His affair restarted within a few months of us going to counseling. I actually haven't asked if he re-started the affair while we were still in counseling or not.
I found out about the second affair in May (same OW, his ex) - but according to his fake email account and facebook messages (which he gave me complete access to this time - unlike last time) the physical affair actually ended back in February with his last contact with her through a facebook message in April. His last message left a door open. It was from him to her stating, "I just wanted to drop in and wish you a happy birthday. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you lately, I just have a lot going on in my head right now and need some time to think." I don't REALLY want him to contact her - but I WANT that door closed. I don't know how to go about this. At the same time I actually feel bad for her. She was hurt by him too. He's lead her on for 6 years. She truly believed he'd leave me for her. I don't understand how she could knowingly try and break up a marriage, but that doesn't negate what he's put her through either.
At the same time, I've been seriously considering divorce. It doesn't seem to matter that I love him anymore. I want to focus on me. I want to be with someone that loves me and respects me. I don't feel you can cheat on your wife for six years and have any respect for them.
I'm rambling here, so I'll try and wrap this up.
What do I do now? He's agreed to a trial separation. He wants to work things out. He actually posted on the WS tonight (Trip3). He's agreed to a trial separation - but he wants it as short as possible. I want it to be at least until Christmas. I've agreed (to the separation, not the duration of the separation) because I've filed for divorce before. I don't want to file until I'm absolutely sure, because if I file, I will go through with it. I won't play "the boy who cried wolf" with the courts.
It's been three months, and I'm still angry ALL the time. I'm not sleeping. I don't trust him. My appetite is erratic. I can't concentrate, and I have to go back to school in 12 days. I have three semesters left to get my bachelors in Nursing - so I HAVE to get focused. I can't let this ruin my life.
I need help, advice, support - whatever you have to give. I need ALL the things!