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The urge to see OW

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Needadrink posted 8/10/2014 06:26 AM

I think it's maybe because my H saw her on and off for 20 yrs I am just curious to see what was so special about her.
We are 14 Months into R and every so often I get this incredible urge, H says if it's what I need he will take me, not sure if he's calling my bluff or not. She actually lives 12 hrs away if we were to drive.
It's just that this is bothering me really badly and I need advice please.

tfkeel posted 8/10/2014 07:35 AM

20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

I think this tells you the whole story already. If there was anything "special" about her, where is it?

She is a "toy" like all the others in that list.

hopefull77 posted 8/10/2014 15:50 PM

I don't think there is much to see....

bionicgal posted 8/10/2014 16:19 PM

The urge to see her is normal -- it may be helpful, maybe not. You are likely trying to figure out if you are safe. The thing is, that has nothing to do with her.

There was nothing special there -- APs are a dime a dozen. If she is beautiful, that will make you feel bad. If she is ugly, that will make you feel bad, too. If she appears to have a good/bad life -- same thing. No winning there!

I just spent 5 minutes comparing a picture that came up of my H's AP on facebook to a picture taken the same year last time, hoping to find, I guess, that she had what. . I don't know. . . aged more than normal? Looks worse? Is less fit?

Who knows. But, the reality is, there is no comfort to be found there. (Although I did notice that she has a somewhat unattractive, hollow & fake smile. Ha!)

But, again-- nothing special there.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:19 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

EmbraceTheChange posted 8/10/2014 16:54 PM

I wouldn't want to see the OW, at all. I could, she still works in the same place as my husband. However I would not be able to not start a physical fight with her, and ending in jail for something like this? Meh. Better stay at home with the kids and do something interesting.

sunny58 posted 8/10/2014 17:15 PM

I think we all have that urge. Me too. Itís not worth it. It will accomplish nothing. It will make you feel worse. You need to heal and this will guarantee to be a setback for you. Take care of yourself.

Needadrink posted 8/10/2014 19:02 PM

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have considered them all and processing them. I think the real reason for wanting to see her is so that I can scare the shit out of her, you see her H doesn't know and it pisses me off if I'm honest, it's like she got away with it.

LumpyLola posted 8/10/2014 19:11 PM

i too have the urge to see the OW. im just curious about what the big deal is that he would throw away his entire marriage for. i'd also like to tell her a few choice words, but i, too, may not be able to resist giving her a pop in the face so I'll let it go for now.

[This message edited by LumpyLola at 7:14 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Hopeful74 posted 8/10/2014 19:25 PM

Seeing her will not help. I know the woman my STBX had an affair with. And really, all it does is make it easier for me to imagine him having sex with her.
So I don't think it makes things better

Furious1 posted 8/10/2014 20:02 PM

I completely understand. Even though my WH cheated on me with many OW and even with my own sister, I had to see OW#6 for myself. I felt guilty about this need for a long time until I decided to forgive myself for being human.

I sat in WH's parking lot in a borrowed car. I knew the SUV she drove and I only vaguely knew of her from when I worked there too. I had to see her with my own two eyes.

When I finally saw her, all I can say is that I was shocked, disgusted, and left scratching my head. WH could not have picked lower in the barrel. Seven kids with seven different men and she showed all the wear even though all of her kids are in foster care because she is in unfit mother. How much more can a person puke?

That is when I realized that it wasn't about OW. It was about WH and his need for ego kibbles and glory. That's when I started wondering why I would be with a man would had an 8 year A with my sister and a 3 year A with a woman with seven kids. I realize that I'm the best he will ever do and if he wants me, it's on him to earn me back.

peaceBmine posted 8/10/2014 20:03 PM

I could probably tell you both the good and bad of seeing her.

I met with OW at my request. I didn't want to "run into her" in town and have not already said my peace. I also was curious what was so special. WH had introduced us a month or so before DDay, but I wasn't exactly paying attention at that point.

In my case, she was beautiful, but so broken. I could see how broken she was. At the time of the meeting she was still very much in love with my WH, but he had been very clear for weeks that his feelings were gone/done, it was over, and that she needed to make it work with her BS. I didn't get what I wanted from the meeting, buy I was still glad I did it.

So, the good-

-she confirmed to me that WH had clearly told her I was his priority and that he would have nothing more to do with her.
-I got to see her and get the imaginery wild images out of my head.
-I got to see her brokenness
-I got to hand deliver a letter to her
-WH was very disappointed with how she handled things and treated me...this helped with the emotional break for him
-WH got to see JUST how strong I am
-This made OW very uncomfortable

The bad-
-I didn't get the closure I wanted
-I didn't get the apology I deserved
-I now have real, not imaginary images in my head
-After the meeting, my anger turned from her to more unknown person to place all my anger on
-Well, although it is fairly uncommon for APs, she is beautiful AND thin...older than both WH and me but aged very well.

Only you can make the right decision for you. Take your time. I wish you the best.

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