SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Mac4 posted 8/10/2014 07:21 AM

The more I think about this, the more this thought is recurring in my mind. And yes I realize this is a stereotype and not all relationships and people fall along these gender lines. But in general betrayed females seem to be more upset about the emotional connection in the A. He expressed affection to the AP, and was able to express his feelings for the OP often in ways he wasn't able to do for his spouse.

On the other hand, betrayed males are often more upset about the sexual aspect. She did this, she did that with the AP. She did sexual acts with the AP that we were only supposed to do together, etc.

Not to say that the male BS is not upset about the emotional connection and that the female BS is not upset about the physical aspect. But for R, you need NC and remorse and some basic things. And I believe both connections needs to be restored for a healthy relationship. Yet it seems to me from following posts on SI that many of the betrayed female spouse are struggling with restoring an emotional connection, to feel loved and appreciated by their WH. At the same time, many of the betrayed male spouses are struggling to restore their sexual intimacy and feel wanted and desired by their WW.

Am I being sexist, or just trying to justify my need to reconnect physically with my WW? Not sure R is possible without this connection. Appreciate your thoughts.

peaceBmine posted 8/10/2014 07:38 AM

I feel the same way. WH and I often talk about this and we often discuss polygamy and why women are usually the one OK sharing one man and that although it happens, reverse polygamy is far less common.

For me, I know that OW would have been quite content keeping relationship with WH as EA only...men are generally the ones that turn emotional feelings sexual. I also think for BH's that often the wife has not shown a real interest in sex and that this might lead to being further hurt by her doing this with someone else (just my guess). OW in our case went along with the physical just to assure emotional was not stopped. She deserves what she gets, but in a small way I almost feel sorry for her having to make that choice. Shows just how broken she was/is.

The A is like a drug. I have to remember this. WH and I will never have that same type of relationship and therefore I can never expect that same intensity or even that intense leading to share and communicate like a teenage couple. That hurts, but I try to see that a mature love is really what is desires, not an addiction.

tfkeel posted 8/10/2014 07:49 AM

I think you're basically right about men and women. Not to say that it's 100%, but I'd bet the majority case.

I don't think "R" is possible if there's no "connection" restored.

hopefull77 posted 8/10/2014 15:46 PM

We have reconnected nicely ....but as a woman the WHOLE darn A upset me ....every aspect of it...
And TODAY if you asked my FWH the WHOLE thing upsets him as well....
Reconnection is a HUGE factor in our R.

Mac4 posted 8/10/2014 16:14 PM

peaceBmine & tfkeel - appreciate your input. I think for me was the realization about differences in how men and women feel about infidelity. And thus how we might approach R differently. This is of course a generalization that doesn't apply to all couples.

But for me, my WW has been working very hard to reconnect with me emotionally in the wake of the A which I appreciate. And while that is vital and important, I find that I continue to be upset because we can't seem to connect physically. I want our sex life to improve, to be better than it was before. I'm hopeful that as we restore an emotional connection with each other that will follow.

of course, Hopeful77 is spot on, all aspects of infidelity are upsetting