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Clarity of focus

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canwerebuild posted 8/10/2014 10:01 AM

It was easy to fall back into being "normal" at times this week. Our therapist told us that the human condition can only hold but so much despair. Ultimately we stuff it down (like I have always done) or you shield your heart like my wife has had to do this week. Those so-called normal feeling times are cruel however. They are fleeting and only portend the pain to come when we're alone.

I look to the future and try to see how things will work out. I am committed to rebuilding our relationship and making it stronger then ever. I know what needs to happen but how does the healing start. How are we going to feel through each step in the process, how long will it take? I can't wait to get back and begin our sessions again. We so need that right now. I have a clarity of focus. I am focusing every effort on supporting my wife. Maybe this is a better question on the WS side but how do you cope and keep your energy and will while being in purgatory. When you won't see positive results from your actions until who knows when? I'm not going anywhere I do know that. I want a life with my wife and family more than anything in this world. I will fight for her as long as it takes and then some. I just don't know what I don't know.

[This message edited by canwerebuild at 11:03 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

saturnpatrick posted 8/10/2014 11:19 AM

Hi canwe. Man, I do not envy the work you have set out for you. You will have to put forth a lot of effort.


how do you cope and keep your energy and will while being in purgatory. When you won't see positive results from your actions until who knows when?

So, you are wondering how to put forth the work when there is no immediate reward (and possibly no reward at all). A bit of a "What's in it for me?" question huh?

Yes, you will need to put forth a big effort, and at times there will be no external gratification from it. No pats on the back. No "good job" comments from your spouse.

But CanWe, how do you feel about yourself for putting forth this effort? Can you be happy with yourself for doing this when no one else shows happiness to validate the work you are doing? Can you validate yourself? Is that enough for you?

ETA:
Also could you add a short descriptor of why you are here (BS/WS) to your signature area? It took me a little bit to figure out where you were coming from and I had to re-write my post as at first I had tailored it toward a BS...

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:22 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

tl502 posted 8/10/2014 11:50 AM

"You look to the future" I'm pretty sure that your bw is a long away from that stage right now. She is probably in shock right now, then she will spend a looooooong time dealing with the past before she is anywhere near looking to the future.
My h stayed in email and phone contact with his ap or the first 18 months after dd. I found the acct, wasn't even looking anymore. The disrespect of tt and false r is a mariage killer. Considering the state of our m at the time I have no idea how we got through it.
All I can say is keep turning toward your wife when she pushes you away. She's watching to see if you are really there for her.
Follow the basics of SI, transparency, nc with ap, counseling, read everything you can get your hands on. But mostly listen to yor wife. Really listen she's giving you a roadmap. It's a long road with no guarantees but there can be value at the end.

canwerebuild posted 8/10/2014 12:01 PM

Hi Saturn,

So, you are wondering how to put forth the work when there is no immediate reward (and possibly no reward at all). A bit of a "What's in it for me?" question huh?

I am not wondering how to put in the work or whether I have the will to put in the work. I do know that I am human and there will be times when I need to vent or cope or deal with disappointment and frustration. Guess I'm asking how others deal with that. I have learned a lot through this process and one of those things is that I don't deal with negative emotions well. Through my life I tend not to deal with them at all. I want and need that to change.

Yes, you will need to put forth a big effort, and at times there will be no external gratification from it. No pats on the back. No "good job" comments from your spouse.

I do understand this and I am prepared to do what I need to do gratification notwithstanding.


But CanWe, how do you feel about yourself for putting forth this effort? Can you be happy with yourself for doing this when no one else shows happiness to validate the work you are doing? Can you validate yourself? Is that enough for you?

Yes I can validate myself and it is enough for me. I want my wife and marriage back. I have been selfish with some of my decisions but I am not self absorbed. I am remorseful and I am owning my shit. I want to help heal my wife's broken heart. I am committed.

Thanks for the advice on adding a descriptor. I will do that now.

[This message edited by canwerebuild at 1:14 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

saturnpatrick posted 8/10/2014 12:48 PM

Hi CanWe,

I hope I didn't come off as offensive in that post.

You see, this is how I deal with situations where there is not any promise that things will get better.

As a quick example, at my work, there is a client who is currently very upset with our company. I put in about a 70 hour workweek this past week trying to help fix the issue the client was experiencing.

The client was still angry and accused me of not doing enough. We may lose this client.

Personally though, I get through this because I am not really interested in making the client happy. I put in the work to know that I was doing my best and to be happy with myself.

So that is how I deal with situations like this. I hope that this can help with your situation somehow.

Good luck.

canwerebuild posted 8/10/2014 13:17 PM

Hi Saturn,

Thank you. That was very helpful.

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