Last night I gave a final "This is never going to work" speech to my WH and today I just can't get this guilt out of my thoughts!
Short story- separated a year ago. Had a awful try at R for about 6 weeks around holidays. It was really awkward, forced, no conversations, no transparency.
After that he would occasionally barrage me with regrets, etc., and we had sex a few times here and there… Then in June I saw a video of him and OW, he had gone straight back to her after R (if he ever even broke it off) and kept hiding it from me, being with me...
3 weeks ago he has a major regret attack and gives me a really good speech, talk, whatever asking to let him win me back. No commitments, no promises from me. Said a lot of the right things.
But it felt just as bad as before. Worse. Now I know for a fact this relationship with her went on over 1 1/2 yrs. I just can't stop thinking about it when we have sex. I didn't want to see him or be around him. I wasn't anywhere near wanting him back. I want myself to feel that, but I just can't. Not after June.
And THEN I go on his phone records and there's a 2:30 am call to her, the week before. He tries to say that was his call to tell her No Contact. (2 weeks after our talk? Middle of the night? VirginiaGirl has some doubts…) But even if it WAS- he should have told me. Obviously. But we don't talk, you see. It's just so awkward between us now.
OK, I haven't even gotten started on all the other good reasons for my decision, but even the little I've written shows me I've made the right decision….again.
I guess that what I'm realizing as I type this out it that I feel guilty because somewhere inside I'm still wired against disappointing him. I feel so bad this time because the other times I broke up with him, he wasn't really fighting for me. And this time he's saying "I would do anything" etc and it's so much harder.
Today I have to listen to my head, not my hurting heart. Someone on this site told me that once… Ahh thank you SI for providing a place to vent this stuff.