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why do I feel guilty???

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Virginiagirl posted 8/10/2014 13:42 PM

Last night I gave a final "This is never going to work" speech to my WH and today I just can't get this guilt out of my thoughts!

Short story- separated a year ago. Had a awful try at R for about 6 weeks around holidays. It was really awkward, forced, no conversations, no transparency.

After that he would occasionally barrage me with regrets, etc., and we had sex a few times here and there… Then in June I saw a video of him and OW, he had gone straight back to her after R (if he ever even broke it off) and kept hiding it from me, being with me...

3 weeks ago he has a major regret attack and gives me a really good speech, talk, whatever asking to let him win me back. No commitments, no promises from me. Said a lot of the right things.

But it felt just as bad as before. Worse. Now I know for a fact this relationship with her went on over 1 1/2 yrs. I just can't stop thinking about it when we have sex. I didn't want to see him or be around him. I wasn't anywhere near wanting him back. I want myself to feel that, but I just can't. Not after June.

And THEN I go on his phone records and there's a 2:30 am call to her, the week before. He tries to say that was his call to tell her No Contact. (2 weeks after our talk? Middle of the night? VirginiaGirl has some doubts…) But even if it WAS- he should have told me. Obviously. But we don't talk, you see. It's just so awkward between us now.

OK, I haven't even gotten started on all the other good reasons for my decision, but even the little I've written shows me I've made the right decision….again.

I guess that what I'm realizing as I type this out it that I feel guilty because somewhere inside I'm still wired against disappointing him. I feel so bad this time because the other times I broke up with him, he wasn't really fighting for me. And this time he's saying "I would do anything" etc and it's so much harder.

Today I have to listen to my head, not my hurting heart. Someone on this site told me that once… Ahh thank you SI for providing a place to vent this stuff.

tesla posted 8/10/2014 16:23 PM

I often feel guilty for things that I have no control over. I find it helps to do exactly as you did, write out all his actions and show yourself that those are his to own and his to feel guilty about.


caregiver9000 posted 8/10/2014 17:24 PM

Here's the way I see it. A WS chooses to gamble the marriage when they cheat. Even if it is a one time instantly over with perfect remorse forever after, the cheating was a gamble. R may never be available because the BS might never feel the same or be willing to trust in the marriage again. There is no guilt in that.

In the situation you describe? Why would you stay in a marriage where there is no talking, and he continues to be untrustworthy?

Glad you worked it out in your head by writing it out, but seriously: no guilt.

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 17:24 PM

Try to see it this way. He has been telling you with passive aggressive actions that he has no intention of your marriage working out. He's just too cowardly to say it to your face.

You have enough balls for the both of you to be able to face your reality and move forward based on that reality. If he really wanted things to be different then they would be. You are just done using his lies on yourself.

I think guilt is a normal reaction when this happens. You were a loving and trusting spouse. You are incapable of the level of betrayal he has shown you.

badmedicine posted 8/10/2014 18:52 PM

Hi VirginiaGirl,

I feel almost exactly like you do. Similar time frame and also a LTA (3.5 years in my case though), though mine hasn't gone back to OW as far as I know. He has been making promises, claims, and begging and pleading and crying. It's awful. It pulls at my heart strings and allows that small ember of hope to remain alive. I let him back in February (filed for D in December after a few months of terrible back and forth post-dday) and cautiously tried to proceed...but he let me down. Again. Big time. And it hurt. It hurt like it hurt when he abandoned me after dday. It hurt like the time I thought he left to go be with OW. It hurt a lot. So I told my L to proceed with the D. That was in May. He has continued the pleas and the tears and the promises. He desperately wants to talk. I agree with your assessment though: your WS was never going to do the work. Maybe he's not capable, maybe he's just lazy and selfish. Mine is the same. He says he wants to, but what is really stopping him? I read here somewhere that if you really want something you make it happen. If you don't, you make excuses. Sounds to me like you got a bunch of excuses. My WH says all the time he is "fighting for us". But what does that mean, really? Unfortunately for me to see if he is really doing this, really capable this time, I have to let him back in, even just a little. The last time I did that my broken heart broke a little more. How much can one person take? I too feel an immense amount of guilt. Maybe if I tried harder, or maybe if I was more patient or maybe....maybe maybe maybe. His favorite line is "Don't shut me out like this". I told him that I am not shutting him out, I'm just not opening the door he closed on himself. That helped me reframe it, and maybe it will help you, too

It sounds like you have already detached a lot which is good. Don't be surprised if he continues these pleas, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he gets really nasty once the D process starts. Especially if OW is still involved. Protect yourself and your healing.

SBB posted 8/10/2014 19:17 PM

We've been conditioned to feel this way. Either in our childhood or our M.

I was responsible for his happy/unhappy for so long that even after he cheated and broke my heart and my trust I still felt guilty that this was a deal breaker for me.

I don't anymore but I did for a long time. What cured me was fuckery just like you've described. I didn't actually see video or call logs but 20 weeks after S which was after a 3m False R of 'I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes' this 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher/whore to my small children as his GF. I didn't realise she was an OW until she was about to meet my little girls - it just about killed me.

I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift - it freed me well before I had the strength or courage to free myself. I was also no longer able to lie to myself about his remorse.

I see you now, I cannot unsee you.

It is difficult to believe what your eyes are seeing. That they do it so effortlessly is also astonishing until you realise they've led a double life for so long that this state is 'normal' to them.

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