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Mailrhos posted 8/10/2014 15:12 PM

This is my first post and I hope it is in the right place. It has been almost six years since I found out about my wife's affair. I have found that it takes so much more to move forward than you think. In 2007 we had recently moved to a smaller apartment, we had been living with another couple, and we we getting ready for my deployment. My wife became friends with the lady next door, her husband was also a Marine, I met them about a month after my wife did because I had been training at sea. I got called in early because my father had been diagnosed with leukemia. I met the neighbors and my wife constantly talked about then especially the other man. I didn't think anything of it and we flew back home for 10 days. I got back and had to go out again. When I came back my wife was different. She could barely stand to be around me. This was blamed on the pregnancy (we found out she was pregnant before we moved). At this point it was about September of 2007. I found text messages saying things like I miss you etc from the guy. I confronted him and my wife. They said nothing was going on so I trusted them. I deployed in November and from my phone bills I could tell she spoke with him a lot. I kept getting the same "we are just friends. " She spent about a month by herself in the apartment and then moved back to nc to be near her mom because I wasn't there for the baby when she was born. I got home after seven months and everything was different. She was hesitant to hug me after she saw me the first time when she got back to the base I was on. It later came out that she wanted a divorce and she swore it had nothing to do with the other guy. So I reluctantly agreed ( I love her and want her to be happy) and she instantly started spending more time with him. I had to have knee surgery which really annoyed her because I couldn't take care of the baby at night so she could go see him. I eventually found a text message from one of her friends asking if she had slept with him prior to us splitting and she had been. She broke down and had a lot of trouble telling me the truth. She decided she didn't want a divorce so I said ok but I need time. About a week later my mom and dad are both admitted to the hospital. We went home and swore to me she wouldn't talk to the guy anymore. That was a lie. Thanksgiving of 2008 I had had enough and said I wanted a divorce. She agreed. I quit talking to her and cut her out as much as I could since we had a child and I wanted to see her grow. A couple of weeks went by my dad died and my mom was in bad shape. My wife never visited the hospital while I was there and I was there 12-16 hours a day. She eventually got in contact with me and begged me to give her another chance. I was reluctant but I do love her. We are still together and we don't talk about the affair anymore and if it ever comes up we can have civil conversations. We have been through a few hiccups like her talking to her ex but were making it. I still have days where if I'm alone that time is just playing in my mind and I get so angry but I know it will fade someday. I often wonder if it was my fault or if I could have helped to avoid it. She tells me that it really wasn't me because at that point in our relationship I gave her everything she wanted. It came down to I was leaving and she was afraid. The other guy started it but she didn't stop him. I trust her now and she is more open. What's odd is she is actually pretty paranoid now about me leaving her being with other woman even though I've never even thought about cheating on her or leaving since this all happened. It takes a long time to recover but I'm getting there.

[This message edited by Mailrhos at 3:18 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

still-living posted 8/11/2014 04:10 AM

Welcome to SI.

Thank you for your service.

Three questions:

1) It's not time that heals, but the work we do during the time. Pain lingers when not processed. Have you and your wife taken on IC?

2)Her paranoia tells me she has not strengthened herself yet. This may leave her vulnerable to having another affair, if not cause general difficulties with your recovery. IC could help her.

3) Is your DD yours? Have you worked through this question?

Mailrhos posted 8/12/2014 21:49 PM

There has been a lot of work done. I have done counseling. My wife and I have been to few couples sessions. We are able to work through our issues easier and in a calmer manner now. I do worry about her paranoia and I do keep a eye on it. My daughter is mine. The affair started when she was already two months pregnant and we were together almost daily the month my daughter was conceived.

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