SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

PrettiestStar posted 8/10/2014 15:47 PM

I just found out my husband is having an emotional affair. I don't know where to begin. I feel so stupid that I allowed this to happen. I was just so preoccupied with raising our two children, now five and one. I suppose I wasn't as attentive as I should have been to my husband's needs, but we never dough and we have had so many happy times in the last year I was blind to it. We have always had a relationship built on trust and love and allowed each other to have outside lives, but I guess that was foolish of me. When I first realized something was wrong my husband made It all about sex so I took full responsibility, but I had been nursing my son and my hormones weren't normal. But now the truth has come to light and when he was going to play basketball 50% of the time he was meeting up with her. A coworker 11 years his senior. He says he wants to go to marriage counselling, but he has feelings for this woman and doesn't know if he is ready to sever the ties. I love my children and my family so much and I feel so alone. My friends are being as supportive as possible, but everyone knows what a doting mother and wife I have always been. I am just so blindsided. I thought this was something that happened to other people, not me. And the sad thing is there have been plenty of opportunities for him to bring up his feelings of discontent and he never has. Why would he leave it fester and brew to get to this point. I feel like I am drowning and I can't get my head above water.

Didact posted 8/10/2014 16:07 PM

Please know (seriously) this has NOTHING to do do wth you. This was his way to deal with something that was missing/wrong with him. It is him, not you. Drink water. Breathe.

Everything else will come with time. Make no decisions today, let things sink in a bit. As my WW says, be kind to yourself.

Deanna posted 8/10/2014 16:09 PM

Hello. Welcome. So sorry you are here. My husband had an EA/PA. We are almost five years from d-day. Marriages can be saved if he is willing to do the work. It will be hard work for both of you.
Right now you have to make sure you take care of you so you can take care of your two kids. Plenty of sleep, water and try to eat if you can. A lot of people on here will tell you to do a 180. The information on that is in the healing library which in the yellow box on the left hand side of this page. I myself did not do the 180. Other people will explain more about the 180 if you have questions.
It is slow here on weekends so don't be discouraged if you don't get a lot of responses. I just wanted to let you know you are being heard. We are here to support you.

caregiver9000 posted 8/10/2014 17:51 PM

(((hugs)))

An affair is selfish. I am sorry that instead of supporting you as a nursing mother and participating in the multiple responsibilities that come with having two small children, he was lying about playing basketball and investing in his own ego with another woman.

Please invest your energy into taking care of you. This kind of revelation is such a shock. I am so sorry you have to be here.

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 18:44 PM

I feel for you and am going thru the exact same emotions right now, have grown up with abusive parents, I've always tried to blame myself for a part of everything that goes wrong - especially w/this EA/PA.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself what I keep saying to myself - "It's not my fault; WS and OW acted as consenting WPs... "I will not victimize myself - I will get thru this..."

Stay strong <HUGS!>

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 6:48 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/10/2014 18:50 PM

I'm so sorry that you've had to find your way here. This is my second time around here. My first was a EA/PA (at least one), this time is an EA. As others have told you, this is not your fault. It wasn't foolish of you to allow each other to have outside lives, that's what healthy couples do. Unfortunately, UNHEALTHY individuals use what is unselfish on your part, to do something selfish on their part.

I'm going to give you some advice, take a deep breath and let it out. Do that a couple more times. Do that whenever you feel like you're drowning. You are not alone. Even if there were nobody else, we are here for you.

What others have also told you is sound advice, so I'm not going to repeat it. I will say that you don't deserve ANY of this. Again, I'm so sorry that you've found your way here.

EmbraceTheChange posted 8/10/2014 21:14 PM

Hi Prettiest Star,

I was in the same situation as you. My husband had an EA with somebody at work last year. When it all started, my baby was 8 mths old. We have 2 more little guys at home, aged 2 and 5 at the time. During his EA I was home-schooling my 6 yrs old, making lots of meals from scratch, etc. I was constantly sending him emails with pics, "look at the drawing we made for you, Daddy!", "look at the banana bread we made for you, Daddy" while he was at work.

Finding out that he was having an affair totally flattened me.

I had his phone in my hand when she texted him. He insisted she was a friend, though he never ever spoke about her. I played the "carry on being friend with her, i don't want you to take it underground" card. Well, underground he took it, for a week. I got hold off another email, and realized that he thought I was a fool.

So i got the big guns out. I emailed her to tell her to back off, he's married to me. I chucked him out the same night. I facebooked all his contacts to let them know he's a cheater. Also contacted all our friends with the same message. When he moved back (a few days later) he had to make his own meals and wash his own clothes. Each time I caught him lying to me, I chucked him out again. I also consulted a lawyer. I didn't file anything, just went to see how the system worked. Hey, he wanted to be free and single? Sure! But lose the perks of being married to me. Having all these big real-life consequences in his face helped him come out of the fog pretty fast.

I don't want to make it sound like it was easy for me. I don't have any family living near me (they live in France and England), so being alone with 3 little kids was not a piece of cake. However being taken for a dummy is worse (in my book).

Hang in there. It's not going to be easy. Your emotions will go all over the place. You will go from crying to hating him to wanting to hug him. It's not fun, it's not fair. But you will be ok.

BtraydWife posted 8/11/2014 00:56 AM

I'd like to go over a few things. I'm sorry you have reason to be here but you have misunderstood your situation.

First, you didn't allow this to happen. This was his choice entirely. There is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. That's hard for someone new to infidelity to wrap their head around. But it's the truth.

This has nothing to do with meeting your husband's needs. You are human, you have needs, odds are he wasn't meeting all of yours either, but you didn't cheat. Don't believe this is because of you in any fashion.

The media gives this image of a cheater as having gone without, most of the time it's sex. This is incorrect information. The reason people cheat is because something inside of them is broken.

Ask yourself, you were in the same marriage he was in. Why didn't you cheat? Whatever the answer is, that's what is broken in him. Something allowed him to believe that crossing the line and having an affair was ok to do. That reason is many times some deep, repressed personal issues in him. Low self esteem is very common.

Understand this. It had nothing to do with you. It wasn't because of anything you did or did not do.

Also know that he will do everything possible to push the blame onto you. You already bought into that line of crap so the pressure he puts on you to believe his lies will increase.

You weren't foolish to trust your husband. That's what healthy couples do. You had no idea he was unhealthy. He's the fool for destroying something as precious as your complete trust. You didn't mess up, he did.

If he was meeting up with her you should assume they have had sex. Don't think he'd never do it, you thought he'd never have an affair didn't you? Don't have sex with him again until he gets tested for stds and you see the results with your own eyes.

If he won't pick you as his one and only then kick him out. Tell him you made up hus mind for him and you refuse to be just an option.

Be strong. Keep posting here.

PrettiestStar posted 8/15/2014 22:35 PM

Thank you for all the word of support. We just had our first marriage counselling session today. I don't know why I still feel so much blame. Before we went to the appointment my husband said if I had just had sex with him we wouldn't be here. He also suggested that maybe we should keep the family together for the greater good, but we would be allowed to do what we wanted. I think I might throw up at that last suggestion. He keeps telling me that he has been feeling disconnected for a long time that is why the emotional affair happened. If things were right at home he wouldn't have been so open to it.

The sad thing is when he described everything to the counsellor that was right with our relationship was that we are compatible, a perfect team etc, etc. but we grew apart. Having two children does that. He said all we talked about was the children. That is all I did all day. I gave myself one hundred percent to them. Therefore, all I had to talk about. Why would you want to leave the mother of your children, who you love, who you have worked so hard for everything with and accomplished so much. And it works well! Just because we have had a dry patch? And I am not talking months. I always tried to make sure we were intimate at least once a week. I am still so confused and hurt. How could he not be "in love" with me. And he just sits back while I am fading away and miserable. I pull it together for the kids and for my job, but when I am alone I am disaster.

Our counsellor told us how rejection was detrimental to a relationship. I guess I messed up. I just never saw it coming from our well oiled functioning marriage. No one did.

healingroad posted 8/15/2014 22:47 PM

PrettiestStar, this is such a hard situation. It may not be what you want to hear but your husband isn't ready for MC. The crap about sex and open marriages and child-centric M and all that, he's blame shifting and playing games and not even close to being able to engage with you. I've been there, heard the same shit. It's all just deflection, all bullshit.

If you play along it will suck the soul out of you - so don't. You need to protect yourself. Nothing you did excuses or even explains his cheating. If you allow yourself to think otherwise it will crush you. Please don't let that happen.

(Also, if the MC doesn't treat the affair as the #1 priority, FIRE THE MC NOW. My M might (and might not) have survived if the MC had taken the affair seriously, but she didn't and now divorce is coming.)

[This message edited by mhca at 10:49 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

lovesobroken posted 8/15/2014 23:55 PM

He's the broken one, you are the honest person full of integrity. I would trust you and your instincts. Hes a cake eater at this time. Everything points to that, if you read your posy thrice, its obvious. Don't let him make you think of convoluted things and reason with blame that shouldn't be placed on you. Listen carefully so you can seperate what your WH is saying the words vs what he's trying to convey. He seems to be in the fog. Show him your strength. Hugsss

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/16/2014 07:36 AM

Prettieststar- I am so sorry about this horrible situation. Please be easy on yourself.
Ok first things first. Listen to me-THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU NOT HAVING ENOUGH SEX WITH HIM. Please-this is a manipulation tactic he is using to blame-shift HIS HORRIFIC choices onto you. You have two young children and he is their father so therefore he needs to grow the F up and realize that yep those little babies change things a little bit for awhile (although the babies are simply another excuse to avoid taking responsibility for his choices). Also, what did he do to meet your needs?? You did nothing wrong and please, please, please, stop buying into this. He took vows, he broke them, he lied, manipulated and cheated on you. HE is the one, the only one, at fault for his choice to cheat.

My husbands affair started when our second was 6 months old and after DDAY (when our third was 9 months old) I heard the same BS about my focus being the babies, and the same thing about sex. Yes, he really told me that I wasn't swinging from the chandelier fast enough after the birth. It is a pretty common excuse of the WS. He also started his "story" stating it was an EA, then it was just a kiss, then it was sex once, then it was a 2 month EA/PA and after all was said and done (through my own investigative work) it was nearly a 3yr PA. Our OW lived 8hrs away.

You are not responsible for his choices. He is.

Second, very gently-I very, very highly doubt this is an EA. They are coworkers and he was leaving for basketball and you said half the time he was physically going to see the OW. I most cases if the opportunity is there they take it. Many of us start DDAY being told it was an EA as the WS often thinks that only sexual contact is cheating (wrong). So they feel saying EA keeps them off the hook to an extent. A majority of us end up finding out that it was actually PA. If these two cheaters have any in person one on one time together chances are very high that they in fact had sex. As another poster suggested it would be wise to get STD tests done.

As for the counseling and his statements. Again stop allowing him to shift this onto you. It is not your fault he chose to lie and cheat. Of course he wants you to keep quiet and keep the facade of family up for him and allow him to see his OW on the side. He would like you to have an open marriage. Um no. You need to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand. I doubt while he is lying about his A, blame-shifting onto you, and attempting to manipulate you into an open marriage he is not MC material. It seems he is using MC to further is own selfish agenda. That MC also needs to be dropped like a hot potato! NO, NO, NO, NO again-his cheating has nothing to do with you, the sex you did or didnt have. It only has to do with him being a selfish, lying, broken man. HE CHOSE THIS.

Rather then MC I think you would really benefit from a good IC. You need to think about yourself and your children. Take care of you, value yourself more then allowing him to shift his guilt onto you. Please read the healing library and read the 180.

Lastly does OW have a husband or boyfriend?? If so, blow this A up by telling the other BS. Nothing kills the excitement of an A like exposure. A's thrive in the dark out of view. They tend to quickly die when they are no longer a secret.
Again, I am so sorry you are here.

PrettiestStar posted 8/16/2014 10:04 AM

I agree with everything everyone is saying, but I am trying to be optimistic and try to make this work. I want so bad to contact her fiancée (of 20 years -I wonder why). But he probably knows. I doubt this is her first time at the rodeo. I think the most sickening part of all of this is that they are coworkers, but I also work there too (I just returned from maternity leave). So everyday I am at work I am worried about running into her. My job is high stress, highly physical and our work environment is large enough, but everyone is in everyone's business and they feed of of other's misery. I don't want everyone to be talking about me behind my back. Also, I want to maintain professionalism. I just feel so out of control. This just isn't him. It isn't the man I know or anyone else. The words and the tone he uses towards me are not him. Maybe he changed and this new him isn't someone I like. People change. But now I am eternally bound to him through my children. I have told him to leave, but he doesn't think I am serious and I suppose I am not. I am three hours away from my family. All of his family is here. I have so many good helpful friends, but I just feel like I am going to have a hard time to make this all work by myself. I work random shift work. I am just so scared. I want to scream it from the rooftop... My husband had an affair on me because I was focused on my children. That is what it all boils down too. All maternity leave I reassured him things were going to get better he just wasn't patient enough. Our MC told us to do these random acts of kindness all week and report back to her with what they were. It seems like an exercise in futility to me. What is going to get out of this. More sleep, more of his favourite treats, his work lunch made for him etc. What am I going to get? He did attempt to put the babies laundry away (after it sat in the laundry basket for three nights - only because I worked 12 hour shifts and by the time I got home the baby was asleep). Three nights it took him to put it away and at that he still couldn't use his own common sense to figure out where it all belonged (and trust me it is very well organized). I suppose I am enabling him to turn into a supreme douche bag. But I am having a hard time because our children are so well behaved, well adjusted and happy. I can sacrifice my feelings for the greater good for now. I think I knew in my heart he didn't really want marriage counselling. I kept asking him if was so he could say: "well we tried and it didn't work" so he doesn't look like the bad guy. I am just lying to myself that this is going to work. One of my friend's husband had an EA/PA about two years ago, but he did everything she asked of him and grovelled for her forgiveness. Their marriage was in shambles before this, they hated each other and MC helped them get through, but I think because he was remorseful and by no means ever tried to blame shift onto her. I already see the writing on the wall. My husband claims he loves me (he wouldn't have spent 9 years with me) but he isn't happy blah, blah, blah... We grew apart etc. how can we ever grow together if all he does is make stupid comments? He told the MC he told the OW he was trying to make his marriage work, but I doubt this. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law want to get together for supper sometime soon. I almost suggested to her (and my husband) that he take the OW instead. What a perfect opportunity for a meet and greet. (note my passive aggressive sarcasm). Also, what a perfect opportunity for the OW to experience what life would really be like him... The responsibility of two children five and one. She would have never known at 45 and only ever having a dog. That should suck the life out of their little romance. I asked him if he ever talked about the children to her (he claims no) but after all why would he want to talk about them when that is all I ever talked about because during my year maternity leave that is all I ever did... I just prided myself on being married to my best friend. I guess I was wrong. On a side note I just had to go and wipe my 5 year olds bottom. I wonder how the OW feels about that sort of thing or changing my 1 year old's diaper. I just want to take the kids and start fresh. But I know I will have to share custody with him. How do people get full custody in Canada with no history of abuse?

PrettiestStar posted 8/17/2014 05:15 AM

We talked at length last night. It is over he can't give anymore to the relationship. He looks like a shell of a human. He is here physically, but in no other way. Thanks for all the support everyone. It helped to shed some light on the way he was acting. I hope the best of luck to everyone in whatever their path in life takes them.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/17/2014 06:50 AM

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am so sorry that he has chosen to not own his shit. You are the prize here, not him. He wants to go let him go. Reality is gonna smack him very soon.
Prettieststar I really want to encourage you to stay here on SI, don't go. There is a wealth of knowledge and support here for you. If you are divorcing or separating there is a forum for that too. You are still processing and in shock. Please be gentle on yourself, focus on you and those precious babies, and let your WH take full responsibly for his actions and let him live with the consequences. You do not own any of his bad choices. dont listen to another word of blameshifting because pure bs. I think he's chosen an easier path (in his mind) which allows him to not be totally honest with you and really acknowledge what he's done. R is hard work.

Also tell the other Bs. I doubt he knows but he sure deserves to. If he found out about the A first you'd want him to tell you. Contact him and out the A.

In the meantime please read the healing library and focus on yourself and children. 180 WH.

I hope you come back for continued support. Big (((((hugs)))))

qualla posted 8/21/2014 08:23 AM

Hear and feel your pain. It sucks. My wife had and EA that turned PA (shes says only kissing and petting. Yeah, right). I'm 8 weeks out from DDay today and it sucks right now. Some minutes I'm okay and others I want to crawl into a hole and go to sleep as if this were a bad dream. I'm now climbing out of the fog and realizing that, yes, it was her choice and nothing I did to "forced" her to make this decision. Someone in this forum said that you were both in same marriage and you didn't cheat. That is correct. Something is indeed broken and that's what scares me about my wife. I woke up this morning thinking to myself, "Can I reconcile with a woman who carried on an affair for over 2 years?" Right now I don't see it. My trust of her is zero. In addition, I can't help but think that had I not busted it open, it would still be going on because she was opting to do so. I confronted her many times before I got the evidence (phone records) and she looked right at me and lied to my face. Heck, one of the most painful memories is one night (day before DDay) she said she was going tanning and once I found the phone records it turns out that she left the house to go speak with him. That's a gut turner that scares the hell out of me - who is this person? Please tell me, all, that I'm not the only one experiencing this. Thanks for reading.

PrettiestStar posted 8/21/2014 12:55 PM

You are not he only one feeling this. I think we all are on the same journey. Everyday I feel nauseous and often feel like I am losing myself. After we had decided to quit my husband woke up in the morning and said he wanted more marriage counselling, but we had better tell our family what is going on. They were shocked because we are such a compatible well functioning couple. His mother is livid with him because of the affair. He feels she isn't seeing the big picture. But the problem is he still isn't. There is no excuse for an affair emotional or physical.he still doesn't feel guilty. Only two more hours until MC.

Edie posted 8/22/2014 02:19 AM

A marriage being too child focused IS often one of the factors underlying a need to refind the non-parental parts of someone, which is a healthy response. Your WS went the unhealthy way to get attention and 'find' himself. His OW sounds like she may consider herself 'on the shelf' (with a fiancé who will not commit), lonely and prepared to stroke your husband, and encourage the sense of entitlement he is in danger of developing.

It sounds like the marriage has forgotten that it consists first and foremost of a couple rather than two parents, and even very simple things like greeting each other with a kiss first before the children can do a lot to restore that sense of the couple as the primary unit. Date nights, time together on a hobby, all of these can help consolidate that [re]membering.

I am not in anyway justifying his choice to cheat, merely stating that making the marriage exclusively child-centred begins to throw up deficits and imbalances.

Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends would be an excellent book for you both to read, him in particular, BEFORE any more MC is undertaken. That your husband cannot yet see how devastating, low and betraying his actions are and seems to think that they are defensible suggests that MC is premature. It offers a medium for learning to communicate, analysis and positive action, but he sounds still unable to consider anyone's needs but his own.

I suggest a strong 180, where you focus back on yourself and start to re-member the non-parent parts of you: seeing friends, getting a babysitter, doing new things. I told my husband to go to his OW as they clearly deserved each other and asked him to leave the house. Turned out neither were things he wished to do. But I did send him away anyway (albeit briefly). I wanted the space for me, to regain my sense of me. And he had breached the marital home so no longer was welcome in it. Being out in the cold was a bleak shivery experiencefor him that cut through much of the remaining fog of A endorphins and feelgood ego addiction (he had ended it but was in withdrawal).

You can read about the 180 in the Healing Library up left and there are some great articles for new members pinned throughout the Just Found Out forum. I shall bump some up to the front page, (they tend to be identifiable with a bullseye icon and have lots of replies)

As well as Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, much of Frank Pittman's writing on infidelity is worth reading.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:24 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]

qualla posted 8/22/2014 12:37 PM

Yes, "Not Just Friends" is an excellent read. Both my spouse and I read it prior to counseling (and worked the exercises in it). It's a great starting point. I'm 8 weeks in and while it's been very hard, I'm beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. My big break through has been that my wife, too, was hurting and I need to be aware and respectful of that (while not condoning the affair). It's a balancing act. However, I believe it is one worth working/fighting for. Good luck and hang in there. Some days are good, some days are bad...It's a marathon.

amanda123 posted 8/23/2014 16:34 PM

((Hugs to you sweetie)) you must be feeling all over the place at this point in time.
He has cheated on you, not the other way around. When you said that his behaviour his words and tone towards you was different, he is angry because you caught him out that is why he is angry.
Firstly, YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS INFIDELITY, you are in no way to blame he chose to be a cheat and cheating spouses always blame their partners initially, before all the truth comes out.
Secondly, YOU HAVE TO START SHOWING HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH HIS UNCERTAINTY OF WHERE HE STANDS IN THE MARRIAGE, if he is staying then you need to tell him what you wont accept. A NC (no contact) order needs to be enforced, that means he tells the other woman its done he will not be contacting her again, you need to see this if its in an email or a text message or if its a phone call. I understand your situation is a difficult one as you all work in the same work place. If he is going then you need to start the 180 on him immediately. 180 is found top left hand corner in the yellow box healing library under BS, this will help you get stronger and help you manage the situation between your WH and yourself.
Its good that you outed him to your families, that may shake him up a bit and make him realise what he is doing, is a selfish act.
Please stay this is a great place you will get all kinds of good advice to help you through this.