Everything else will come with time. Make no decisions today, let things sink in a bit. As my WW says, be kind to yourself.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
An affair is selfish. I am sorry that instead of supporting you as a nursing mother and participating in the multiple responsibilities that come with having two small children, he was lying about playing basketball and investing in his own ego with another woman.
Please invest your energy into taking care of you. This kind of revelation is such a shock. I am so sorry you have to be here.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself what I keep saying to myself - "It's not my fault; WS and OW acted as consenting WPs... "I will not victimize myself - I will get thru this..."
Stay strong <HUGS!>
[This message edited by kaylee711 at 6:48 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
I'm going to give you some advice, take a deep breath and let it out. Do that a couple more times. Do that whenever you feel like you're drowning. You are not alone. Even if there were nobody else, we are here for you.
What others have also told you is sound advice, so I'm not going to repeat it. I will say that you don't deserve ANY of this. Again, I'm so sorry that you've found your way here.
I was in the same situation as you. My husband had an EA with somebody at work last year. When it all started, my baby was 8 mths old. We have 2 more little guys at home, aged 2 and 5 at the time. During his EA I was home-schooling my 6 yrs old, making lots of meals from scratch, etc. I was constantly sending him emails with pics, "look at the drawing we made for you, Daddy!", "look at the banana bread we made for you, Daddy" while he was at work.
Finding out that he was having an affair totally flattened me.
I had his phone in my hand when she texted him. He insisted she was a friend, though he never ever spoke about her. I played the "carry on being friend with her, i don't want you to take it underground" card. Well, underground he took it, for a week. I got hold off another email, and realized that he thought I was a fool.
So i got the big guns out. I emailed her to tell her to back off, he's married to me. I chucked him out the same night. I facebooked all his contacts to let them know he's a cheater. Also contacted all our friends with the same message. When he moved back (a few days later) he had to make his own meals and wash his own clothes. Each time I caught him lying to me, I chucked him out again. I also consulted a lawyer. I didn't file anything, just went to see how the system worked. Hey, he wanted to be free and single? Sure! But lose the perks of being married to me. Having all these big real-life consequences in his face helped him come out of the fog pretty fast.
I don't want to make it sound like it was easy for me. I don't have any family living near me (they live in France and England), so being alone with 3 little kids was not a piece of cake. However being taken for a dummy is worse (in my book).
Hang in there. It's not going to be easy. Your emotions will go all over the place. You will go from crying to hating him to wanting to hug him. It's not fun, it's not fair. But you will be ok.
Separating for my own sanity.
First, you didn't allow this to happen. This was his choice entirely. There is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. That's hard for someone new to infidelity to wrap their head around. But it's the truth.
This has nothing to do with meeting your husband's needs. You are human, you have needs, odds are he wasn't meeting all of yours either, but you didn't cheat. Don't believe this is because of you in any fashion.
The media gives this image of a cheater as having gone without, most of the time it's sex. This is incorrect information. The reason people cheat is because something inside of them is broken.
Ask yourself, you were in the same marriage he was in. Why didn't you cheat? Whatever the answer is, that's what is broken in him. Something allowed him to believe that crossing the line and having an affair was ok to do. That reason is many times some deep, repressed personal issues in him. Low self esteem is very common.
Understand this. It had nothing to do with you. It wasn't because of anything you did or did not do.
Also know that he will do everything possible to push the blame onto you. You already bought into that line of crap so the pressure he puts on you to believe his lies will increase.
You weren't foolish to trust your husband. That's what healthy couples do. You had no idea he was unhealthy. He's the fool for destroying something as precious as your complete trust. You didn't mess up, he did.
If he was meeting up with her you should assume they have had sex. Don't think he'd never do it, you thought he'd never have an affair didn't you? Don't have sex with him again until he gets tested for stds and you see the results with your own eyes.
If he won't pick you as his one and only then kick him out. Tell him you made up hus mind for him and you refuse to be just an option.
Be strong. Keep posting here.
The sad thing is when he described everything to the counsellor that was right with our relationship was that we are compatible, a perfect team etc, etc. but we grew apart. Having two children does that. He said all we talked about was the children. That is all I did all day. I gave myself one hundred percent to them. Therefore, all I had to talk about. Why would you want to leave the mother of your children, who you love, who you have worked so hard for everything with and accomplished so much. And it works well! Just because we have had a dry patch? And I am not talking months. I always tried to make sure we were intimate at least once a week. I am still so confused and hurt. How could he not be "in love" with me. And he just sits back while I am fading away and miserable. I pull it together for the kids and for my job, but when I am alone I am disaster.
Our counsellor told us how rejection was detrimental to a relationship. I guess I messed up. I just never saw it coming from our well oiled functioning marriage. No one did.
If you play along it will suck the soul out of you - so don't. You need to protect yourself. Nothing you did excuses or even explains his cheating. If you allow yourself to think otherwise it will crush you. Please don't let that happen.
(Also, if the MC doesn't treat the affair as the #1 priority, FIRE THE MC NOW. My M might (and might not) have survived if the MC had taken the affair seriously, but she didn't and now divorce is coming.)
[This message edited by mhca at 10:49 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
My husbands affair started when our second was 6 months old and after DDAY (when our third was 9 months old) I heard the same BS about my focus being the babies, and the same thing about sex. Yes, he really told me that I wasn't swinging from the chandelier fast enough after the birth. It is a pretty common excuse of the WS. He also started his "story" stating it was an EA, then it was just a kiss, then it was sex once, then it was a 2 month EA/PA and after all was said and done (through my own investigative work) it was nearly a 3yr PA. Our OW lived 8hrs away.
You are not responsible for his choices. He is.
Second, very gently-I very, very highly doubt this is an EA. They are coworkers and he was leaving for basketball and you said half the time he was physically going to see the OW. I most cases if the opportunity is there they take it. Many of us start DDAY being told it was an EA as the WS often thinks that only sexual contact is cheating (wrong). So they feel saying EA keeps them off the hook to an extent. A majority of us end up finding out that it was actually PA. If these two cheaters have any in person one on one time together chances are very high that they in fact had sex. As another poster suggested it would be wise to get STD tests done.
As for the counseling and his statements. Again stop allowing him to shift this onto you. It is not your fault he chose to lie and cheat. Of course he wants you to keep quiet and keep the facade of family up for him and allow him to see his OW on the side. He would like you to have an open marriage. Um no. You need to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand. I doubt while he is lying about his A, blame-shifting onto you, and attempting to manipulate you into an open marriage he is not MC material. It seems he is using MC to further is own selfish agenda. That MC also needs to be dropped like a hot potato! NO, NO, NO, NO again-his cheating has nothing to do with you, the sex you did or didnt have. It only has to do with him being a selfish, lying, broken man. HE CHOSE THIS.
Rather then MC I think you would really benefit from a good IC. You need to think about yourself and your children. Take care of you, value yourself more then allowing him to shift his guilt onto you. Please read the healing library and read the 180.
Lastly does OW have a husband or boyfriend?? If so, blow this A up by telling the other BS. Nothing kills the excitement of an A like exposure. A's thrive in the dark out of view. They tend to quickly die when they are no longer a secret.
Again, I am so sorry you are here.
Also tell the other Bs. I doubt he knows but he sure deserves to. If he found out about the A first you'd want him to tell you. Contact him and out the A.
In the meantime please read the healing library and focus on yourself and children. 180 WH.
I hope you come back for continued support. Big (((((hugs)))))
It sounds like the marriage has forgotten that it consists first and foremost of a couple rather than two parents, and even very simple things like greeting each other with a kiss first before the children can do a lot to restore that sense of the couple as the primary unit. Date nights, time together on a hobby, all of these can help consolidate that [re]membering.
I am not in anyway justifying his choice to cheat, merely stating that making the marriage exclusively child-centred begins to throw up deficits and imbalances.
Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends would be an excellent book for you both to read, him in particular, BEFORE any more MC is undertaken. That your husband cannot yet see how devastating, low and betraying his actions are and seems to think that they are defensible suggests that MC is premature. It offers a medium for learning to communicate, analysis and positive action, but he sounds still unable to consider anyone's needs but his own.
I suggest a strong 180, where you focus back on yourself and start to re-member the non-parent parts of you: seeing friends, getting a babysitter, doing new things. I told my husband to go to his OW as they clearly deserved each other and asked him to leave the house. Turned out neither were things he wished to do. But I did send him away anyway (albeit briefly). I wanted the space for me, to regain my sense of me. And he had breached the marital home so no longer was welcome in it. Being out in the cold was a bleak shivery experiencefor him that cut through much of the remaining fog of A endorphins and feelgood ego addiction (he had ended it but was in withdrawal).
You can read about the 180 in the Healing Library up left and there are some great articles for new members pinned throughout the Just Found Out forum. I shall bump some up to the front page, (they tend to be identifiable with a bullseye icon and have lots of replies)
As well as Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, much of Frank Pittman's writing on infidelity is worth reading.
[This message edited by Edie at 2:24 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]