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Should I tell his wife?

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othermountain posted 8/10/2014 16:09 PM

I have been having an affair with a married man for several months. It started with deception (surprise) but now I am fully aware of what is going on and I'm really unhappy about it.

I think his wife should know. I think I would want to. I realize there is some vengeance in the idea - I think he should suffer the consequences of his actions.

I also realize that she will hate me, and may not even believe me, and that he will throw me under the bus to try to get out of trouble.

Should I tell her? And if so, how?

theseseatsRtaken posted 8/10/2014 16:18 PM


Im assuming your BH knows about the affair? I would discuss this with him. The worst thing you can do now is continue to make decisions without your BH. Talk yo him, and remember that things like this are really now all up to him.

Welcome to SI. Keep posting. You have found a safe place here.

wontdefineme posted 8/10/2014 16:47 PM

I think it should come from your BS. I have a friend whose XWH's AP told the wife because she wanted to further hurt the BW and drive a wedge between them. Yes the BW needs to know, but not from you. You have done enough damage and yes it smells of vengeance against your AP. It also feels like you want him to feel your pain.

Time to get him out of your head and put your BS first.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/10/2014 16:49 PM

No stop sign....As a BS, I say YES...she has the right to know & now! I do agree that if you are married you need to discuss first with your BH, and possibly it would be better if he told her??!!

If you are the one to tell her, be prepared for anger & possibly that she will not believe you. IF it were me, I'd probably just call her...I just don't think going to their home would be a good idea at all.

I do hope that you can find it in your heart to do it for the RIGHT reason too. Try to remember, she didn't do ANYTHING to deserve this, didn't ask for it. And you are about to turn her world upside down...and you were involved in what is about to do this to her. Please have empathy for her! Hopefully you won't need to be involved in his "consequences". Use that part of your energy to help YOUR BS!

Good Luck!

caspers1wish posted 8/10/2014 16:53 PM

I think that even if you do not have a BS, and I'd be surprised if you do, because usually waywards are afraid of the fallout on the home front, I apologize if I'm wrong or generalizing, the BS still has a right to know, and not motivated from a place that "I think he should suffer the consequences of his actions."

You should be focusing on you and why you got involved with a married man and get to the root of why you want revenge, which is not healthy IMO.

othermountain posted 8/10/2014 17:46 PM

Thank you so much to everyone for responding. I need to be clear, I am single, I have been divorced for years, I have no Betrayed Husband or Spouse. (Sorry I'm having a hard time figuring out the acronyms).

So there are just three people in this picture: me, the man, and his wife.

I NEVER wanted to hurt the wife. I have been more diligent than the husband at trying to protect her! For example he wanted me to sleep over at their place when she was away… I refused.

And I don't want to "further hurt her" or "drive a wedge between them," I want her to know what she is married to. If he was my husband I would walk out so fast… but that is her choice.

As far as I know, she knows nothing. I could be very wrong, maybe he has been doing this for years and she puts up with it.

Obviously I am asking for advice because telling her would a) end my relationship with him, and b) possibly end their marriage. Serious stuff.

I don't think he's even that miserable in the marriage, just bored, selfish, self-absorbed.

So while I would like to see him punished for trashing his marriage, that is a side effect for me. A bonus. Hey, I'm human, I'm fallible (obviously) and I feel used.

But I am trying to focus on the fact that if I don't say anything, that poor woman will carry on not knowing what kind of man she is married to. I am sure I will not be the last… he claims he was faithful for 20 years until recently… and then I wasn't the first.

There are no children, by the way. And she makes more money than him. To be polite as I can about it, she hasn't aged as well as him and he felt entitled to have an affair with someone more attractive.

Yes, I feel scummy and I am so grateful none of you attacked me. (not allowed to, lol).

Not really laughing, I'm crying at the thought that you all would help rather than condemn me.

Anyway, no I would never set up a confrontation at their house… just don't know if I should call her or write her.

I'm thinking I should offer to answer questions… because I think her initial reaction would be anger and denial etc., but after that she would want to know more. And if she has any sense she is going to realize that her husband will not tell her the truth.

When I picture telling her I think of just facts, not gory details. Just here are the extent of the lies you have been buying. I have been shocked at times. I have overheard phone calls when we were in his car, and he seems to think it's funny. I wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle, it was so wrong.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 18:10 PM

First things first: You NEED to end the A, regardless of whether you plan on telling her or not.

I'm not sure you understand the damage you have brought to yourself with this A, yet. Why is it okay with you to be carrying on with a married man?? Don't you deserve better than that? It's strange that you want to tell HER what kind of man she's married to, but you're willing to accept him and you KNOW what kind of guy he is. Think about that. You are betraying yourself every moment you spend with him.

othermountain posted 8/10/2014 18:19 PM

Well, I guess there's the attack I was expecting. That's why they let you put a stop sign on your posts.

The reasons why I got involved with a married man are another topic. I have friends and family for that. My Subject Line was, "Should I tell His Wife?" not "Why Did I get Involved with a Married Man."

I did not put a stop sign on my post precisely because I was hoping to hear from betrayed wives about the best thing to do.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 18:21 PM

I certainly didn't mean it as an attack!

othermountain posted 8/10/2014 18:26 PM

OK, gotcha. But I'm just trying to deal with how, right now, not why.

April3216 posted 8/10/2014 18:27 PM

I was told by his AP, and in retrospect I am thankful. He was cheating on me throughout our courtship, engagement and marriage. Ten years in total. God know how much longer it would have gone on. They are together now, and happy, and I'm happier for knowing what I was married to. I'm only 3 months out from finding out but I am truly thankful she told me, her timing sucked a bit as I just had my Ds. Please tell her. I was told in a letter with evidence that wouldn't make me doubt the truth. It will hurt her but its the right thing to do.

TheThreeYearFool posted 8/10/2014 18:38 PM

Send a letter with evidence of when and where you and the WS were together. Nothing more.

Stick to the facts. No emotion. No explanations. No discussion of the marriage.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/10/2014 18:57 PM

Be prepared that when and if you do tell her for her to not believe 3 year said, have proof for her because her otherwise it will be your word against his....and us WS are very good at lying.

I am not a BS....I am a WW and am speaking from personal experience. I tried to come clean and confess the A to my AP BW and she refused to believe any of it....I had no proof cuz I got rid of it all so my own BH wouldnt see it. My XAP threw me under the bus and walked away....harmed or unharmed I dont know, and its no longer my concern.

Just be careful. Its admirable that you are trying to make healthier choices now...but just realize its not going to go well.

BrighterFuture posted 8/10/2014 19:07 PM

Just wondering, what made you decide to tell on him? In other words, what's your motives? Is it that you realized what you both did was wrong, or did he refuse to leave her for you? You seem to imply that you're attractive and she ain't which comes off as selfish on your part. Regardless, she still needs to know in a gentle way. She did nothing to you. She's the victim in all this!

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/10/2014 19:09 PM

As a two time betrayed spouse, I agree that his wife should know. What others have said is true, give proof, stick to the facts, no explanations and no discussion of her marriage. I will disagree with others on the point of no emotion. However, the only emotion should be remorse. Do not tell her that you tried to protect her more than he did, because neither of you did.

She WILL hate you, may not even believe the proof, and he will DEFINITELY throw you under the bus. But at least with all of that, you will have done something right.

Ok, that's all I have to say. I've got to have a chat with mothers little helper before I have a panic attack. Good night.

SI Staff posted 8/10/2014 19:11 PM


There was no attack, just an opinion from a member. You may not always hear what you want to hear and a good practice is to take what you need and leave the rest.

Everyone is here to help.

PositiveAttitude posted 8/10/2014 19:20 PM

As a BW, yes the W needs to know. Except (and honestly take this as coming from a hurt BS) You ending your "relationship" is not "serious stuff". Her life and marriage falling apart - now THAT'S serious - and heartbreaking, and devastating, and if it involves children? Scary as hell!

So yes, she does need to know. Email is the easiest, least cruel way in my opinion. I have thankfully never laid eyes on WH's OW, but I did hear her voice once on an old voicemail and thought I was going to die. Literally, lay in the floor, fetal position and cried for hours.

Just the facts, and you don't even have to tell her when and where. Probably better NOT to tell her the whens and wheres (that's his job). If you have proof of the affair, save it unless she wants it. Just tell her who you are, and that you've been having an A with her husband that has ENDED. That you are currently NC, and that you have proof of the relationship if she feels that she needs it. A heartfelt apology may not be important to her at that point, but it might matter to her later.

The rest is in her court.

I WISH this is how my WH's A would have come to light. Instead the OW tormented me for months with a fake FB page with just enough information to make me question IF my H was having an A.

End the A. Go no contact for YOURSELF. Tell the BW for her sake. The chips will fall where they may for him.

[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 7:21 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

caspers1wish posted 8/10/2014 19:29 PM

Have you ended the affair yet? I get the feeling you are using telling his BW as a means to end things, which may be effective, no guarantee though. Regardless, end things with the cheater, for everyone's sake. Good luck.

Furious1 posted 8/10/2014 19:30 PM

I realize that your emotions are running high. Please pause for just a second. Yes, vengeance is yours to have. No more. No less. I realize you want to get even for what your OM did to you. That is understandable. As a BW, I feel the same way.

All I ask is that you stop and inject some humanity into your heart before you reveal your A to the OBS. Look at it from her point of view. She's working hard, struggling to do it all on her own while her spouse gives all his energy to his A's while treating her like dirt to make it okay in his mind.

I am not asking that you have mercy on her. I'm asking for you to treat her with human decency even above your own need for vengeance.

Tell her, but only if you can set your own emotions aside and are doing so in an effort to help her. Until and unless you can reach that point, please keep posting here and please seek IC.

Lark posted 8/10/2014 19:55 PM

As a BS I wish someone would've told me. The OW would not have been my first choice, though.

Send an anonymous certified letter so that she has to sign. Include printouts of texts or emails or whatever else that shows he's having an affair (without the nitty gritty details). Write a letter that says days/times or whatever.

Don't be cruel about it. Don't be vindictive towards him. Don't phrase it as "you've been buying it." BS already feel like fools for trusting someone we should've trusted. Also, don't write anything about their M, as you have just a tiny peephole that he carved out, fitted with smokescreens and mirrors. Just stick to timeline what/when. Tell her where to look for proof "there will be 6000 texts between the two numbers in the month of X" for example But yes she needs to know.

Even still, you can't make her realize or take action against him for having an A. So even sending her proof or a statement or whatever isn't guaranteeing an outcome. So don't go into this with an outcome in mind except for your choices.

Also, the didn't mean to hurt her - don't include that. On dday, a BS learns in an instant that the only thing that matters are actions, not words or intentions.

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