I think his wife should know. I think I would want to. I realize there is some vengeance in the idea - I think he should suffer the consequences of his actions.
I also realize that she will hate me, and may not even believe me, and that he will throw me under the bus to try to get out of trouble.
Should I tell her? And if so, how?
Im assuming your BH knows about the affair? I would discuss this with him. The worst thing you can do now is continue to make decisions without your BH. Talk yo him, and remember that things like this are really now all up to him.
Welcome to SI. Keep posting. You have found a safe place here.
Time to get him out of your head and put your BS first.
If you are the one to tell her, be prepared for anger & possibly that she will not believe you. IF it were me, I'd probably just call her...I just don't think going to their home would be a good idea at all.
I do hope that you can find it in your heart to do it for the RIGHT reason too. Try to remember, she didn't do ANYTHING to deserve this, didn't ask for it. And you are about to turn her world upside down...and you were involved in what is about to do this to her. Please have empathy for her! Hopefully you won't need to be involved in his "consequences". Use that part of your energy to help YOUR BS!
You should be focusing on you and why you got involved with a married man and get to the root of why you want revenge, which is not healthy IMO.
So there are just three people in this picture: me, the man, and his wife.
I NEVER wanted to hurt the wife. I have been more diligent than the husband at trying to protect her! For example he wanted me to sleep over at their place when she was away… I refused.
And I don't want to "further hurt her" or "drive a wedge between them," I want her to know what she is married to. If he was my husband I would walk out so fast… but that is her choice.
As far as I know, she knows nothing. I could be very wrong, maybe he has been doing this for years and she puts up with it.
Obviously I am asking for advice because telling her would a) end my relationship with him, and b) possibly end their marriage. Serious stuff.
I don't think he's even that miserable in the marriage, just bored, selfish, self-absorbed.
So while I would like to see him punished for trashing his marriage, that is a side effect for me. A bonus. Hey, I'm human, I'm fallible (obviously) and I feel used.
But I am trying to focus on the fact that if I don't say anything, that poor woman will carry on not knowing what kind of man she is married to. I am sure I will not be the last… he claims he was faithful for 20 years until recently… and then I wasn't the first.
There are no children, by the way. And she makes more money than him. To be polite as I can about it, she hasn't aged as well as him and he felt entitled to have an affair with someone more attractive.
Yes, I feel scummy and I am so grateful none of you attacked me. (not allowed to, lol).
Not really laughing, I'm crying at the thought that you all would help rather than condemn me.
Anyway, no I would never set up a confrontation at their house… just don't know if I should call her or write her.
I'm thinking I should offer to answer questions… because I think her initial reaction would be anger and denial etc., but after that she would want to know more. And if she has any sense she is going to realize that her husband will not tell her the truth.
When I picture telling her I think of just facts, not gory details. Just here are the extent of the lies you have been buying. I have been shocked at times. I have overheard phone calls when we were in his car, and he seems to think it's funny. I wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle, it was so wrong.
I'm not sure you understand the damage you have brought to yourself with this A, yet. Why is it okay with you to be carrying on with a married man?? Don't you deserve better than that? It's strange that you want to tell HER what kind of man she's married to, but you're willing to accept him and you KNOW what kind of guy he is. Think about that. You are betraying yourself every moment you spend with him.
The reasons why I got involved with a married man are another topic. I have friends and family for that. My Subject Line was, "Should I tell His Wife?" not "Why Did I get Involved with a Married Man."
I did not put a stop sign on my post precisely because I was hoping to hear from betrayed wives about the best thing to do.
No R. D FILED.
Stick to the facts. No emotion. No explanations. No discussion of the marriage.
I am not a BS....I am a WW and am speaking from personal experience. I tried to come clean and confess the A to my AP BW and she refused to believe any of it....I had no proof cuz I got rid of it all so my own BH wouldnt see it. My XAP threw me under the bus and walked away....harmed or unharmed I dont know, and its no longer my concern.
Just be careful. Its admirable that you are trying to make healthier choices now...but just realize its not going to go well.
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
She WILL hate you, may not even believe the proof, and he will DEFINITELY throw you under the bus. But at least with all of that, you will have done something right.
Ok, that's all I have to say. I've got to have a chat with mothers little helper before I have a panic attack. Good night.
There was no attack, just an opinion from a member. You may not always hear what you want to hear and a good practice is to take what you need and leave the rest.
Everyone is here to help.
So yes, she does need to know. Email is the easiest, least cruel way in my opinion. I have thankfully never laid eyes on WH's OW, but I did hear her voice once on an old voicemail and thought I was going to die. Literally, lay in the floor, fetal position and cried for hours.
Just the facts, and you don't even have to tell her when and where. Probably better NOT to tell her the whens and wheres (that's his job). If you have proof of the affair, save it unless she wants it. Just tell her who you are, and that you've been having an A with her husband that has ENDED. That you are currently NC, and that you have proof of the relationship if she feels that she needs it. A heartfelt apology may not be important to her at that point, but it might matter to her later.
The rest is in her court.
I WISH this is how my WH's A would have come to light. Instead the OW tormented me for months with a fake FB page with just enough information to make me question IF my H was having an A.
End the A. Go no contact for YOURSELF. Tell the BW for her sake. The chips will fall where they may for him.
[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 7:21 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
All I ask is that you stop and inject some humanity into your heart before you reveal your A to the OBS. Look at it from her point of view. She's working hard, struggling to do it all on her own while her spouse gives all his energy to his A's while treating her like dirt to make it okay in his mind.
I am not asking that you have mercy on her. I'm asking for you to treat her with human decency even above your own need for vengeance.
Tell her, but only if you can set your own emotions aside and are doing so in an effort to help her. Until and unless you can reach that point, please keep posting here and please seek IC.
Send an anonymous certified letter so that she has to sign. Include printouts of texts or emails or whatever else that shows he's having an affair (without the nitty gritty details). Write a letter that says days/times or whatever.
Don't be cruel about it. Don't be vindictive towards him. Don't phrase it as "you've been buying it." BS already feel like fools for trusting someone we should've trusted. Also, don't write anything about their M, as you have just a tiny peephole that he carved out, fitted with smokescreens and mirrors. Just stick to timeline what/when. Tell her where to look for proof "there will be 6000 texts between the two numbers in the month of X" for example But yes she needs to know.
Even still, you can't make her realize or take action against him for having an A. So even sending her proof or a statement or whatever isn't guaranteeing an outcome. So don't go into this with an outcome in mind except for your choices.
Also, the didn't mean to hurt her - don't include that. On dday, a BS learns in an instant that the only thing that matters are actions, not words or intentions.