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Just found out and about to have the talk

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5Hurting5 posted 8/10/2014 16:36 PM

If he ever gets home from his HOA duties.

Early last November, my husband came to me and said he was sexually dissatisfied. He didn't feel I was open to new ideas (he was right) and that we always did the exact same things in bed. He was right then as well.

We had a good talk, with me going to him with a few additional questions. Other than this problem, was he happy with our marriage? Supposedly, yes. I vowed to change and did. The next day, he came home from work (I had the day off) and we tried some new things I googled.

Then about three weeks after the chat, we were driving home from a couple of hours away and he got a text. He was driving, so he handed me his phone to respond. It was his female co-worker (who I was moderately uncomfortable with only because they seemed really close emotionally) with an innocuous comment. But further down was something that, while not sexual, was a little off.

They had texted a number of times and the latest from him was just "sweet dreams." It smacked me in the face, but I didn't say anything. When he went out to walk the dog later that evening, I checked his phone again. He was asking if she needed rescuing from her family event. Another was asking if she needed some chocolate. Again, nothing truly inappropriate, but definitely unusual.

I checked again the next morning before he got up and the last few texts had been deleted. HUGE red flag, obviously. We talked. He swore nothing was going on and they're just friends. I suggested it was an emotional affair and that they were too close. He said no.

A week goes by and we're on our evening walk when he gets a text. He has his phone set to go silent from 10pm to 7am just so neither of us gets awakened. It was maybe 5 til 10pm. He read it and put it away.

So, of course, I looked later (he technically told me during the chat that I could look any time) and it was from her saying, "Just heading home now." I asked him about it and he said she went to a movie with her niece. Um... but why would she need to tell you she's heading home? A text saying, "Loved the movie. Highly recommend." is one thing. "Just heading home now." sounds like an invitation.

He swore it was nothing. So I checked again the next morning and discovered he'd added a password to his phone. We both went to work. I sent him an email that we need to talk, so we sat down that afternoon and he again said that there was definitely nothing happening. He told me he'd let her know not to text him again because I was uncomfortable. We discussed going to a marriage counselor and decided we didn't need to.

Fast forward to today. I've been really good about not snooping and everything has seemed fine. He got a call to run out and look at the community pool and I gave in to temptation. Checked his emails (he had his phone with him). In his deleted items, I found a sexually explicit email with a woman I don't know.

They discuss crossing lines and him taking her to dinner in October when she visits. I have a trip I'm taking solo in mid-October, so can only assume that's when this is going to happen. They discuss what he wants to do to her.

Oh - and the emails started shortly before we went to the living room to watch a show then to bed for some out-of-the-box romance and continued after I went to bed again later.

I'm sick to my stomach. This is beyond anything that happened last year. I just needed to get this out before he comes home and we have the talk.

[This message edited by 5Hurting5 at 4:38 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 16:46 PM

Give me a minute to read through your post. I just wanted to tell you to hold on for a minute before talking to him. You may need to have some protections in place. I'll be right back.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 16:50 PM

Okay, I'm back.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Can you forward everything to an email he doesn't know about? Because he WILL destroy the evidence, then try to convince you that you're crazy and didn't see what you know you saw.

I think you shouldn't tip your hat, just yet. I think you should put a GPS on him to track his whereabouts and also a VAR (voice activated recorder)- those two things will likely tell you more in about 24 hours of time than he'll EVER admit to.

self-rescuer posted 8/10/2014 16:55 PM

There is much you do not know. But one thing is for sure, he's being unfaithful.

A couple of things:

1) his infidelity has NOTHING to do with the lack of adventure in your marital bed. Do not own one bit of that bullshit. He will blameshift to beat the band. It is all on him. Make sure you let him know you will take no responsibility for his cheating.

2) be prepared for him to spew lies upon lies. Right now he is incapable of telling the truth. His primary goal is to keep his situation exactly as it has been - loving wife + girlfriend. Your going to destroy his fantasy bubble and he will flail.

You are worthy of true and deep love. Your marriage needs to be a safe place. Remember your value. Remember that you not only love big but are also vastly lovable.

He's a stinkin mess.

Post here and lean into this support. We've got you.

healingroad posted 8/10/2014 16:55 PM

What ThoughtIKnewYa said.

As soon as you have the talk, all evidence will go *poof* gone. As it is, you have a chance to take a more thorough look and get a game plan together before you confront.

I wish I hadn't lost this opportunity. She took the A underground and I went through months of hell. Don't give him that chance.

[This message edited by mhca at 4:56 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Skan posted 8/10/2014 16:56 PM

First off, forward every one of those emails to yourself now. If you have another safe place to forward them that he cannot possibly get to, do so as well.

Next, I would suggest that you get out a suitcase and place it somewhere where you can grab it quickly. Take a couple of deep breaths and practice what you're going to say when he comes home.

The moment he walks in the door, I would ask for his phone, tell him that you need the password, and then if he gives it to you, open the phone and start reading. If he refuses to give you the phone and/or refuses to give you the password, I would tell him, one time, that this is non-negotiable if he wants to remain married. Phone and passwords right this second. If he refuses, I would hand him the suitcase, tell him to pack, and don't let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. All you need say to him is that you know that he's cheating, you know what his plans are to cheat with OctoberOW, and that unless he comes clean to you right now, he can pack his bag, get out, and you'll see a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. And carry through with that promise, no matter if you actually file or not.

Don't tell him how, don't tell him anything about your methods of finding out about what he's doing, just tell him that how doesn't matter the subject under discussion is if he is going to be completely open and transparent with you, or if he's leaving. Period. No side discussions. If he refuses to leave the house, throw him out of the bedroom and tell him that he's sleeping elsewhere in the house until you decide otherwise. You cannot nice him back. You need to put on your Stinking Big Red Bitch Boots and deliver shock and awe tactics.

In the meantime, you can also start reading The Healing Library which is located in the yellow tab in the upper left corner. Any post in this forum in the first 2-3 pages with a red "target" next to it is also a great source of knowledge. Or better still, read the Tactical Primer first, which is one of those red target posts on page one.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

StrongAndCapable posted 8/10/2014 16:58 PM

I agree with ^^^^^. You need to have all your proof lined up or he will gas light you and tell you that you are being paranoid. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Noone deserves this. We are all here for eachother. Keep posting and reading. Print out the emails, check the call log of his cell phone and text messages. Print those out. If you can do the GPS tracking, do it. Then, have the "talk" with him with all the undeniable truth. Even then, he may try to blow it off. Then you will know if you are dealing with someone who is remorseful and willing to work together or someone whom you need to detach from to protect yourself.

5Hurting5 posted 8/10/2014 17:04 PM

He did take the password off his phone after we had the talk in December, so that's not an issue. He's a geek. There's nothing I can do on his computer that won't tip him off, to be honest. I did save the file to Notepad and pulled it off his computer onto mine because forwarding the email would show up to him immediately.

We both make about the same amount of money, so I honestly don't anticipate many issues with that. Either one of us can afford to go it alone (obviously with less cushion) so I won't be destitute if anything happens.

My plan was to sit him down and ask him how he feels about our marriage. Is there anything still missing? Is he happy in bed?

Anticipating all those to be fine and yes, I then will ask, "Then why are you having an emotional affair and planning to turn it into a physical affair in October while I'm gone?"

Then take it from there. Bad idea? I haven't made alternate living arrangements for either of us yet, but we both have family in the area.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 17:09 PM

I just think he'll lie to you all the way around. AND, there could be a lot more that you don't know, yet. If he gets tipped off, he'll probably just take his activities underground, which will make it more difficult for you to catch him.

5Hurting5 posted 8/10/2014 17:15 PM

Do I care if I catch him with more info, though? I don't foresee staying with him after tonight's talk. I have evidence of one affair and after the previous discussions that's the nail in the coffin.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 17:31 PM

Do I care if I catch him with more info, though?
Only you can decide that. If you're done, you're done. He knows what he's done, I'm certain, but I doubt he'll be honest with you about any of it. Why not just say, "I know, now please get out.", and let it go with that? I still think he'll try to convince you that they are "just friends", etc. See, HE'S not unhappy with the way things are right now- he has you and whoever on the side. If you leave or make him leave, that will upset the appearance of 'normal' for him and he might fight to keep up that appearance.

caregiver9000 posted 8/10/2014 17:47 PM

My plan was to sit him down and ask him how he feels about our marriage. Is there anything still missing? Is he happy in bed?

I think it is great that you followed a previous discussion about areas in the marriage that needed work with a google search and some new behaviors. Because that is the mature, responsible way marital dissatisfaction is best handled. If further action needed to be taken, then the two of you could have gone to counseling, a sex therapist, developed a new hobby, whatever you needed to do as a couple.

I suspect that he laid that first complaint to justify an affair he was already having. But at this point does it matter? He has cheated now. He has crossed lines now.

Back to the way you want to begin the conversation. It sounds like you are willing to accept blame for not being "wife enough" to keep him satisfied and at home. What if he answers NO to your questions? He still cannot justify stepping outside the marriage, cheating and arranging to betray your trust while you are out of town. If he wanted to have sleepovers in October, then he should have separated and been honest about what his intentions were.

((((hugs)))) This is not your fault. This is his character defect. An affair is selfish. Period.

5Hurting5 posted 8/10/2014 17:49 PM

Well, a NO to those questions still equals divorce. I guess I just want a smooth way to lead into it rather than the oh-so-subtle axe-to-the-head method...

caregiver9000 posted 8/10/2014 18:31 PM

I just want a smooth way to lead into it rather than the oh-so-subtle axe-to-the-head method...

This made me laugh. I love when I can see the glimpse of humor in the BS in the face of infidelity. It shows (to me) the resiliency of human spirit.

I just don't want your conversation opener to invite him to blame you for his behaviors.

I will be thinking of you! Good luck.

5Hurting5 posted 8/10/2014 20:34 PM

Had the talk and are heading to counseling this week. He, of course, said all the usual things.

There's nothing wrong with us. Not our love life, not our life.

It's not been physical and it never would have gotten physical.

She's a married woman, a client of the place he works at. Lives about an hour away.

I said, "But your email mentioned October. Was that while I'm away for the conference?"

Yes. But it wouldn't have happened.

I said, "How do you get to this stage with a client you deal with 95% by email?"

It just happens in stages. It evolves like any relationship. As such, maybe it WOULD have gotten physical in October. If it evolved this quickly into such sexual emails, who knows what would happen in the next two months.

He immediately said he'd see a counselor. He didn't offer answers unless prompted. He thought a lot before responding.

There will clearly be no hanky panky between us for a VERY long time. Will call the counselor from this site (link on the left - there's one in our town) and go from there.

My marriage may be over. It may be savable. But I'll at least give counseling a chance. If nothing else, it will help me to work through it all.

HeBrokeVows posted 8/10/2014 20:35 PM

I wouldn't yet label it as an emotional affair about to lead to a physical affair. He may hang his hat on that. Let him tell you what kind of affair it is. It's an affair regardless. Besides, you still don't know about co-worker OW. So I would just let him know that you know of his affairs. Let him tell you all about it and then remember he's only telling you 10% of the truth if that.

I wish I found this site back in September. It wasn't until March I had solid proof. Oh I had proof, but I'd tell him and then he would just take the A underground and made me think I was an idiot. Yes, I was in therapy because I had trust issues and I was the issue That's what he had me believing!

So take others advice and keep your evidence, find out more evidence!

Good luck!

[This message edited by HeBrokeVows at 8:37 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

caregiver9000 posted 8/10/2014 20:42 PM

My marriage may be over. It may be savable. But I'll at least give counseling a chance. If nothing else, it will help me to work through it all.

There is nothing wrong with this position. Take the time you need. Observe. Gather information. You don't have to make a decision or a move until you are ready - in either direction. I hope he gives you exactly what you need.

(((hugs))) Be gentle with yourself.

doggiediva posted 8/10/2014 20:43 PM

I wonder how he would react to your demand that he have a lie detector test done (if he hasn't done this already)..
At the very least he will realize that the disloyalty he has shown you isn't to be taken lightly, that you aren't up for any of his cake eating or other games on his part..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:51 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

5Hurting5 posted 8/11/2014 03:51 AM

Slept not at all last night. Got up at 4:40 and gave in to temptation to check his phone. Didn't expect to find anything since he'd surely delete anything incriminating by now.

Of course, I was just finishing up when I heard him walk by since he wasn't sleeping, either. I hurriedly put it back on the counter, then thought, "Why in the heck am I doing that? He gets no privacy." Yet I feel guilty. I'll work on that.

catlover50 posted 8/11/2014 04:29 AM

((((5huriting5)))) (those are hugs)

So sorry you are going through this.

Can you get a copy of his phone records? They told me a lot.

Plus, a voice activated recorder in his car may be helpful.

It doesn't sound as if he is being truthful. And counseling will not help in that case.

Best to you.

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