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Arais posted 8/10/2014 17:15 PM

It has been a long and ugly 3.5 year since DD. Things have deteriorated to the point where we hardly speak. I don't believe he has ever fully demonstrated true remorse or any real understanding of how his A has changed and destroyed me, our marriage and our family.(He believes the contrary is true, that he has tried everything to make up to me). I need some advice about a comment he made this weekend. He is spending a lot of time alone in his study until late at night. He says he is watching movies. I accused him of reverting to his old games and he said this was a preposterous accusation. Preposterous? Could I please have some responses to this. For me this demonstrates his total lack of understanding of the consequences of at least the loss of trust. He makes out that I am being difficult and just want to fight but seriously how would you respond if your WH said this to you?

gonnabe2016 posted 8/10/2014 17:22 PM

how would you respond if your WH said this to you?
"ok, well if you're just watching movies in there, then you will have no problem leaving your phone and computer/ipad/whatever in the kitchen, right?"

StillGoing posted 8/10/2014 17:24 PM

I accused him of reverting to his old games and he said this was a preposterous accusation.

Is he an 87 year old wizard? I dunno who else uses the word preposterous in casual conversation.

MissedRedFlags posted 8/10/2014 17:26 PM

I am sorry this has happened to you.
MY WH was engaged in a 3 year affair and this was also his habit----staying up late, playing on his phone ( turned out to be sexting as soon as I went to bed), watching porn on his computer ( actually walked in on him once in the office late at night while he was "busy" with his "movies"). I wish I had not let this behavior continue. I wish I had not missed these Red Flags. I wish I had addressed this sooner.
My gut knew and I ignored it and laughed it off---he wouldn't cheat, porn's not a "problem". He did and porn is a problem.
It's extremely hurtful when your spouse turns from you to another woman online to sext or have phone sex as soon as you go to bed at night. My husband also got in the habit of inviting his AP to our house to have sex in my car at night ( because the back seats fold down and it has a large moon roof which the AP loved--she texted me that after dday).
Hugs to you.
Me: BS 41
Him: Wh 39
3 year affair
Dday June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids

bionicgal posted 8/10/2014 17:29 PM

t/j I say preposterous all the time. Especially when my son has done something, well - preposterous!
end t/j

So, movies alone in the study for hours at night? No. Why aren't ya'll together doing something? Say ok babe, let's watch together.

But it sounds like it is about way more than this. Did you guys do MC? Did he need IC? I don't know what I'd do if my H hadn't shown real remorse. Now, can he ever fully experience the weight of the horror what he did? No - but he has glimpses of it, and he works hard to keep me feeling safe and loved. You deserve that, too.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/10/2014 17:31 PM


I once watched a documnetary on *reading* people. One of the signs of lying was when they would use big words to try to emphasize how ridiculous the accusation is. One example I remember was when the accussed answers with things like:

Absolutely Not!

Rather than simply stating no. Draw your own conclusion. A WS that never really showed true remorse? Hmmmmmm

Sorry this has been such a long & difficult road for you.

Arais posted 8/10/2014 17:31 PM

I guess my question is not so much is he doing something but how much could he possibly understand about the damage he has done to our relationship but more particularly to my trust if he thinks my distrust is a preposterous idea. He says he would never cheat again because of the last 3.5 years. What he seems to have forgotten is that he told me this exactly 18 years ago when I found emails between him and AP. So how can he be sorry and remorseful for something he doesn't seem to understand?

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 17:42 PM

You already know he doesn't care to heal you or this marriage. This isn't something new. New additional lies and feigned shock is typical for an unremorseful spouse. He still is in the fog this far out.

So who cares about his response. What are your plans to improve your situation? You know he's never going to do anything to change things. You want to drag on this way forever?

I think you getting hung up on his lack of empathy is like losing yourself in the details instead of recognizing the big picture. The big picture is that you have an unremorseful rugsweeping WH. To pick apart his comments seems like a distraction from facing what he's doing.

You aren't ok continuing like this, are you?

Arais posted 8/10/2014 17:49 PM

BtraydWife: He is so adamant that he is a new person, that he has tried so hard to make it right that I don't know which way is up. I guess I am done but for the moment I am stuck here. But it does matter to me. Isn't it important to understand how I got here? How I could have misread the situation for so long? Maybe I am being difficult? Maybe I am not hearing him. I just don't know. I do know how he makes me feel and I know that I react violently to these kind of comments and then he says "see - I can't talk to you." Because nobody knows I need the perspective of others.

Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 18:03 PM

It sounds like your living separate lives. He's in one room with tv or whatever tech (phone, computer) your in the other room. Im living the same kind of life. My ws and his "game" playing iPhone irritates the hell out of me. He has,a partner and he's choosing to not spend time with her. Maybe he's up to something maybe not but he's not engaging in his marriage. Prob thinks well I'm still here, shouldn't she be happy with that? The wayward behavior can still be prevalent even if he's not in an A if you kwim? Kind of like a dry drunk I guess. He's not done the work to R so your m and you suffer. Jmo

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 18:05 PM

You know. You know because you feel it. You know also because he hasn't done the things you asked of him.

He's still gaslighting you. You are where you are because you trusted him again. Long before he deserved your trust.

Who cares what he is and isn't adamant about. Things aren't better and you know it. If he can convince you that the problem is you, he can avoid doing the real work he should have been doing all this time.

You wanted to believe that he meant it. You needed to believe it. We've all been there. But he hasn't shown you any differently.

There's a saying around here about actions. His actions and his words have to match. If they don't match, then the truth is the actions.

He says he's changed. Do you see that in his actions?

Arais posted 8/10/2014 18:28 PM

No. I don't see it. I kept asking, specifying and no I don't see it.

Echelon61 posted 8/10/2014 18:34 PM

Arais - My first question is this, is the door closed when he's in his study? If so, then I'd say that your worst suspicions are very likely true.
Does he ever invite you to watch these movies with him? If not, then that means that he's definitely hiding something.
Believe me, I spend a lot of time online. Probably to a fault actually, but back when I had a desktop it was in the living room where my wife & kids were, so that I could interact with them while online. Then when I switched to laptops, I sat there on the couch right next to my wife. Not that I was concerned that she would think that I was up to no good ( that was, unfortunately, her area of expertise ), but because I enjoyed her company. I loved her & sought out her company.
Same thing with movies.
I love movies. Old ones & new. But, really, it's a WHOLE lot less enjoyable to watch films by yourself than it is to view them with someone to share the experience with. ESPECIALLY someone that you love. Like your wife.
Now, I realize that we're all different individuals, but unless there's a particular kind of film or a subject matter within a film that that's not at all pleasant for a spouse then I can't see any legitimate reason why he wouldn't want you to be with him when he watches his movies. Not all the time anyhow. Sure, having different schedules & such can play into it to a point, but I've waited weeks on end to watch a film that I've been VERY eager to see just because I wanted to watch it with my wife ( while we were together ).

So, sorry to say it, but it certainly sounds to me like he's up to no good.

- Jim

BtraydWife posted 8/10/2014 18:50 PM

Then you know his truth. He isn't willing to do the work to heal you or your marriage but he is willing to lie and pressure you in hopes you stop asking him to do so. He is bullying you to shut up about how he hurt you. He's asking you to accept his mere presence, and not a very nice one at that, as enough. And it's not. That's not enough for most of us. We want a spouse and a marriage that we can believe in.

So the next move is yours. Follow through with a serious consequence, or work towards being able to follow through in the future. In the meantime, you don't have to waste anymore of your precious time on him. Start the 180. Work on yourself. People here can help with that.

LumpyLola posted 8/10/2014 19:07 PM

But there is always the possibility that he just watches the type of movies that he knows she doesn't care to watch.

I have a brother in law like that. He's a wonderful husband to my sister, but sometimes at night he likes to retreat into the den and put headphones on and really get into those war pictures, action flicks, or large-scale explosion type dramas that he knows my sister doesn't care to watch. She has told me on many occasions that she's become suspicious and sneaked in, and once even planted a small recorder in the room, and yet, all he was ever doing was really getting into his movie. She's taken the phone out of there, removed the laptop, and even asked to "borrow" his cell phone a few times when he retreated in there, and he's always complied. She once even popped in and said she wants to watch the movie with him, and he was absolutely delighted! She left shortly, though...totally baffled. It turns out he just likes to get into his noisy movie without disturbing the rest of the family (all female).

But of course, we know he's probably the minority in the group who behaves that way so by all means, keep an open eye for other suspicious behavior.

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