It focused on the "emotionally driven person"...the one that seeks to do what "feels good" and nothing else. To skip from mountain top to mountain top....avoiding valleys.
I envision a wayward living life this way...maybe not everyday on a mountain top but existing in a way where they "hide" from real life. Kind of like waving away gnats (every day, REAL interactions that COULD lead to bonding but choose to pass) while looking to the next peak and dreaming about how much better their life would be when they just get there (external validation).
Then the affair happens.....OH how glorious the view is for them from that high peak!!! This, this is what life is all about!!!!!!
Pastor cautioned that this way of living an emotionally driven life is not sustainable nor is it healthy.
As a person with CoD tendencies....I, myself, have preferred to ignore the valleys. I did/do this by thinking "Okay, when xyz line up....life will get better." "She didn't mean to hurt me.....I just expect too much. I need to chill". I avoided my own valleys and bonding opportunities by keeping to myself and minimizing my needs and hurts.
No real point here.....
Feel another core shift coming. Doesn't scare me like it use to...but I am feeling that familiar anxiousness.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
Btw, what a perfect post, blakesteele. I'm on my mountain top right now. Well, it's actually not my mountain top. That one is in my head. But Colorado is as close to it IRL as I can get. It's a critical part of my therapy. I did mountain top yoga yesterday morning and my lungs were overjoyed. My spirit started healing.
Expansive views still move me, but now its more like just wonder at the natural world, and perhaps a connection to that, without the emphasis on a Deity's role in it all.
We just moved to Colorado from MN, and we have been relishing the sunshine, comfortable temps and humidity, and especially views of the mountains everyday as I return to the extended stay hotel after dropping my WW at her new office.
WabiSabi, where can you do mountain top yoga? That sounds like an experience to seek out...
Satan likes nothing more than to see the M and family destroyed....adultery is his super weapon. While I don't know all the reason behind why God sees the sin of adultery in a singularly different light than all other sin (grounds for biblical divorce) I gotta believe one of them must be to get the innocent away from ground zero before they are also turned towards Satan.
Keep in mind that as long as we have now, we have not been judged and God's will remains in place for each of us. We still have time to seek and fullfill it....and "it" is greater than any of us can imagine. But you are right, faith and trust are connected....just be patient and don't expand the feelings of the past to taint the potential of the present and glory of the future.
p.s. In my journey, I discovered I didn't so much have to seek out God as much as I had to quit turning away and hiding from Him. KWIM?
I still stumble....I still falter. But remember the parable of the Prodigal Son. God loves us more than that....He is ever so pleased with us even just looking towards Him. He does not condemn us....don't condemn yourself.
I think this loss is an interesting development from the trauma of my DDay, especially since so many people turn toward God in times like this. I don't feel I've turned away; I'm not angry toward God; don't blame Him for anything. I didn't consciously decide not to believe any more - I've discovered something that I once had is just gone. More exactly, it's not that my faith is gone, it feels more like my ABILITY to have faith is gone.
And where I once would've understand your words, they now sound more like a foreign language to me than anything. It doesn't worry me though - I feel a calm detachment from something I must've never really known? I don't know.
I'm not sure how I can describe it any better than that.
I am really new to having a real relationship with Jesus and God. 3 years ago we attended our first ever "small group". At that time I believe I was where you are at.
My parents shunned God upon their D. To this day Dad loves all beliefs....except Christians. Outward hate of them now.
You have comforted me in the past....hope I can return the favor sometime.
Nowhere are we told that this life will be easy. I have been a Christian for about 30 years and have pretty much seen it all. We are not puppets on God's strings. He gave us all free will - something I am really thankful for. But, also as a result, we can make a mess of things. The great thing is that, when we do, He can help us through it like nobody else.
On Dday, when I discovered my H, whom I adored, had been having a 6-year long A with another woman, I contemplated throwing his belongings into garbage bags to toss in the front yard. But before I acted on it, I prayed. I prayed for almost 2 hours, as my H battled traffic to get home from work. And in my prayers, my heart told me to listen to what my H had to say and to give him a chance.
I did, and am so very glad that I did. I have never loved my H as much as I do now. And I know he loves me too. Do we have issues to deal with? Many - sometimes it seems like too many. But with God's help, I am pushing through all the garbage - the angry and spiteful OW, the fear that my H will stray again, all of it.
I hope this encourages someone out there. You are all in my thoughts and prayers today!
[This message edited by needfriendshere at 12:32 PM, August 11th (Monday)]
I look forward to the day when we meet in heaven...a place where your ultimate harvest will happen as a result of the seeds you sowed while on earth and the care in which you shepherded what God has provided to you.
God is with us all.
Crushed... Saturday mornings at 10:30 in Keystone they have mountain top yoga. The instructor actually went to India to be trained, so he talked about the differences in some poses, etc. Afterward, I talked to him about my severe PTSD, so he taught me some breathing techniques when I have anxiety or a panic attack. It was a very spiritual experience for me and I actually used the breathing this morning after a horrible trigger blindsided me from nowhere. I am so sorry you speak my language of devastation. And all the other BS's here. We feel each other's words as only another can who knows intimate betrayal.
As far as faith in God... I have a strong faith, but I sometimes feel something maybe similar to Crushed?? I don't know. I think it's not trust, though, as much as that I've disconnected myself so immensely from my fWH to protect myself that I find I have no emotions (except disgust and horror) and haven't for some time. I used to pray so much and feel God's presence. Now, I'm blank. I can't feel God, my mind is disorganized when I try to pray, and it really worries me. I know it will come back, I just need it right now, so my brain picked a bad time. I do wear a crucifix and a small pendant that's my guardian angel and I touch them throughout the day. I wear them always. It does help me ground myself in my faith. It reminds me there's something greater than me watching over and protecting me. Even when I don't know how to always interact with Him. And nature, also, fills my spirit. So do animals.
I've disconnected myself so immensely from my fWH to protect myself that I find I have no emotions (except disgust and horror) and haven't for some time. I
This is what I have done the past little while.....wife continues to repeat her old patterns almost choice by choice. Both tired girl and my therapist have guided me as I protect myself from my wife. I believe this is a classic moment of faith.....a period where the carnal world is so anti the heavenly world that it appears we have to make a choice to go one way or the other. But we are called to guard our hearts from those who want to harden it while praying God keeps it soft and open for His use. WE can't do this on our own....but God can. Thus a true faith-moment.
My use of porn to continue to medicate the pain in my carnal world (certainly from my wife's continued choices and lack of ownership in them, but also from the many other isolating and painful events in my life) would make this "easier" but I would be choosing the carnal way over faith that God does indeed love me, will see that I am shepherded away from the REALLY dreadful hazards of this world and is preparing my inheritance in heaven.
Satan would like nothing more than for me to believe the lie if "see blakesteele....your wife doesn't love you, hasn't since her first EA 17 years ago. It's YOUR time now....go have some fun, you deserve it!". A lie I believed before and choose poorly because of it. Deception is a great tool used by satan. Even if it turns out my wife NEVER loved me, or she joins Ashley Madison, or lurks Instagram (or the next fad-form of "external approval" tech advancement).I am not to use the sins of another as excuses to choose to sin.
"I better than I deserve."--Dave Ramsey
Big fan of Dave. Always liked his tag line. But now it holds a special meaning. I get it!!!! I have and do sin. I have today to do better. I have not been judged or condemned for my own destructive actions....so I truly am better than I deserve.
While I am still in incredible pain 2 years later.....I have zero doubt I am better than I deserve. Pretty sure satan hates that....because he used his greatest weapon against me, and I am still standing. Actually, without the crutch of porn, I am stronger than ever. Thank God.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:43 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)]
It's an immediate fear that alarms the barricades of my existence to defend against something imminent and evil that wants in.
It's the turning away from my wife as she chooses more hurtful actions that led me to this truth......
That something imminent and evil? It's within me as well. Actually, the only real control I have with regards to things evil is within me. And I need Gods help to deal with that.
We are called to guard our hearts.
Guarding my heart from my wife is one of the hardest things I have been instructed to do. I pray this too will pass.
I have been reading this site for over a year, and have felt such a sense of community and strength from others fighting the same battles, but this is my first post.
I was raised as a Christian, although my beliefs evolved to what I would describe as "spiritual, but not religious".
I want to share my experience last week before IC and my first EMDR session. I was practicing visiting my mental safe place and, as has been my recent practice, I asked Jesus to be with me in my safe haven. I felt such deep, restful, intense peace - difficult to describe. A thought seemed to be introduced to me - "This is the peace that surpasses understanding".
I googled this and the result was Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
This experience has affected me profoundly and I wish this quenching peace to all those suffering the ravages of infidelity.
Love and peace to us all.
It's the sort of evil that FEELS threatening to my soul.
Yes, Wabisabi...it is. This is spritual war-fare. The FACT is ALL marriages are under attack. How often I have thought that adultery is the weapon of mass destruction in this war. It has been used in each of our marriages (SI members). Prior to this...there was small-arms fire from each spouse (and unrecognized FOO wounds), but this is war at a whole new level.
Ironic thing is I never thought my M was in a battle. Was actually quite proud of what we had. Felt as safe as my own coping mechs would allow me to.
Truth is, our M was in danger from the begining. We were blind to that fact. Blind...but we still felt pain from unresolved wounding from our lives BEFORE we even met each other. These illusive influences limited what our M could be, what God intends for ALL marriages to be.
For that illusive pain we had "medics on the field" with us as we used false-intimacies to make the wounds less painful (and keeping us from healing wounds of our childhood that affected us profoundly)...which worked for the small arms fire we sustained as we did M as best as we knew how. But these "medics" (coping skills) were no match for the destruction adultery ushered in. They DID keep our insecurities hidden from others and largely hidden from us. We sometimes used these external, false intimacies to "prove" we were as we WANTED to be....keeping us from being authentic. "Circular reasoning".
We didn't know our M was under attack. We took each other for granted....kinda realized somethign was missing but rationalizing away any real, authentic, intentional restorative efforts with the dreadful rationale of "we were better than most".
We DID do M better than our parents.....but floating at the top of a septic tank doesn't mean you aren't still in an unhealthy spot. KWIM?
God is referred to as "the great physician" and "the great counselor". We never invited Him into our lives to perform what only He can do.
Ignorance and fear were the big players in that decision....and a lack of inviting God into our M. He loves us so much he gives us free will...even though we sometimes use it to hurt ourselves and others. We must ask Him for help before He will provide it. Rare occasions....miracles do happen. I have prayed for miracles....thus far they have NOT materialized as I wanted them too! BUT, I have been blessed by this trial and my stumbles on my own personal journey......have not yet gotten to the "rejoice in everything" spot, but getting closer with each new stumble and subsequent forward movement.
Your welcome TotalEclipse....that peace that surpasses all understanding? Yep, I have felt that several times over the past 2 years...often times in the bottom of a pit! Ironic. or is it?
My pastor contends this.....
--when I "loose" that peace it is because I took my eyes off God. I do for two main reasons. Selfishness (wanting what I want when I want it). Fear (not trusting God to be there for me, so I take matters into my own hands....ties into my CoD tendencies as it pertains to "control"). Once this happens and I find myself at the bottom of a pit....I reach the end of myself and can either accept this is who I am or I can look up and KNOW that God has a better plan than I do.
Whatever the reason....I am a man that must stumble in order to move forward.
--God does not turn away from me....I turn away from him. Or I hide from Him. Sin blocks my relationhip with God. It is something to be so comfortable in sin so as not to recognize it as such.
I am blessed to have 3 christian men in real life with whom I can fellowship with. Each from different "religions". Like you my goal is to be a christian, not a religious person. I was raised Catholic....first 8 years of school were in a Catholic grade school. Had religion each day of the week...always believed in God but never walked with Him. KWIM?
My pre-A M, pre-A life was noticeably lacking with regards to involving God in it. My childhood taught me that I can trust no one and that connecting with people on an intimate level will cause you extreme pain. I projected my experience in childhood into all of my relationships. I am just now realizing this.....
I did a lot of healthy, good things in my life...in my M. But I consistently stopped short of full authenticity. My fear has been if people really knew me they would abandon me. This is what I percieved happened in my FOO. Keep in mind that single statement was not known by me until after my wifes affair and PLENTY of introspection and prayer! And I am STILL learning about myself....am learning to sit with my feelings and dig deeper to see what really is driving me. For 30 years my first reaction was to defend myself. I NOW see the healthy choice is to....be vulnerable. To God first (who already KNOWS all of me, but I foolishly thought I could hide from him too), and then to my wife.
It is scary...to expose yourself to a person who has proven to be able to hurt you so deeply. It is equally scary to admit you have hurt your wife deeply.
Hiding from oneself???????????
This moment of faith has me turning towards God, has me desiring to live righteously...and has humbling experiences almost daily as I do this!!!
I am truly better than I deserve.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:04 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]
Anyone else struggle with that?
I have prayed that God take this pain away....but am learning that I need pain to change. If I do not feel more pain of the "same" I will not choose to endure the pain of "change". The absolute rejection of my wife choosing adultery had a profound affect on me (no duh!)....but it did not kill me. What it has done is kill my desire to remain the man I was...the man who feared abandonment more than anything, it happened twice, and I am alive! Maybe more alive than I ever have been.......pain and all. And I have felt more pain than I ever thought I could endure. But for too long I equated pain with unhealthy. And that limited my growth (potential).
That pain I speak of is convicting me TO change, not condemning me to remain the same. Several on SI have seen a lot of blakesteele...doubt many would argue that I am "just fine" the way I am. Certainly I am grateful for who I am and what I have done with my life....but I am convicted that I can do much better. And not in an effort to save my M....but to please God. Hopefully, my wife will benefit from the changes...but as I change she must too. We must find a way to change and grow together.
And that is something neither my wife nor I are comfortable doing. It is one motivator for her A, it is a motivator for my use of porn. Both were "safe"...and that is weird to say, but am starting to grasp this. Neither required being real or authentic...both allowed us to "enjoy pleasures without any of the dirty work". God help me....I'm still figuring this crap out. But that is where I am at today on this subject.
My coping skills, which were developed long before I met my wife, had me masking and hiding pain in my life. My own choices kept me from growing and harvesting as God intended me to. And this is how free will works.
Wouldn't it be great if God just directed our lives....but that is not how He designed us to live. He sees trials for what they are....a mode of training and refining and....eventually....redeeming us.
I'm still very much in the training and refining phase.
God, through Jesus, is about redemtion. He is not about controlling. I awoke this morning....proof that I have not yet been judged, not yet condemned. His grace, love and mercy is amazing.
I have also prayed to have my free will taken from me as I have made some pretty terrible choices by using it as I have.
I am learning to do better.
Hindsight for us (humans) is 20/20. I see clearly NOW some very big warning flags waving during our engagement period. Have learned how my wife and I both hid from each other and ourselves throughout our relationship....something we learned to do in childhood and saw no reason to give it up once we got older! We are now attempting to do life truthfully, authentically. And that is just part of what God calls us to do.
As a person who is prone to black and white thinking and struggles with catastrophic thoughts.....I am welcoming guidance on what I should do.
I am finding that in my relationship with God.
Some of what I am called to do is the exact opposite of what my feelings scream at me to do...what my heart tells me to do.
But I am doing it.
My heart is as scared and hurt as it was at age 12 when I walled it off from my mind. But it is learning that it CAN be hurt and not have to scar and harden as a result. I am learning to look up when I get knocked down...and not to the person or thing that knocked me down.
God calls us to have faith like children when we come to Him. I believe this means we are to trust and love as children do...without the safeguards adults put around their choices. I know how ironic that statement is from a guy who tripple checks which tires to buy for his truck before he purchases them. Like I said....a work in progress, I am.
I think part of having child-like faith is meeting that child within I have spent 30 years denying was in me.
Anyone else shocked at what they found inside of themselves as a result of this trial?
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:10 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]
I have also come to believe everything happens for a reason. Don't believe in luck.
Rachelc....when I started this trial over 2 years ago I thought it was about my wife. What I have discovered is that the affair is about my wife, her choices are about her. They affect me, but the start of this trial was a start of a journey to myself. I had no idea where I was going when I stepped onto this path.
And I did choose to step onto this path. I was not forced. This trial was thrust into our M by my wifes choices...but this path I have traveled has been through choices I have made. Good and bad alike.
You HAVE learned much. I have seen your posts change over time. I see you making several passes by the same lesson, just like I normally do, and then you own the wisdom from it as your own.
Part of my journey has me moving away from SI, so I have not kept up with you as of late....but I have seen positive changes in you and your M over the 2 years I have watched you closely.