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so what if the A is ended

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Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 18:20 PM

I don't know if it has. He went undergrround a couple years back and frankly I stopped looking. I've planned my departure.
I just posted on a thread that made me think of something. Seems like some ws think you should be elated because you got picked instead of AP. My ws has,actually said, hey I'm still here, isn't that enough. No its not. He's done nothing to help me heal. He's never been transparent. I've never gotten a time line or answers to my questions. I've been lonely, pissed, and.in a tailspin since the fall of 2009. So its not really about the A now. It's about a shitty selfish husband and a lonely bitter wife. So even if they stay, if you are the lucky one they choose, if they don't do the work, its better if they just leave. So much time wasted, years I can't get back because I had hope. Every once in awhile a glimmer of who I thought he was, kept me hanging on. I believe its intentional. He wouldn't sever the M, nope just threw me a bone occasionally so I wouldn't make a move. I guess my point is, I don't really give a f**k if he's stilll
involved with ow,I care even less if he's not. If he cane to me and said, its been over for weeks and even if I knew 100% that it wouldn't happen again, I still would say no way
OW is not my problem, my ws is, whether he's involved with her or not. The end. Thanks for letting me get that out

MovingUpward posted 8/10/2014 19:59 PM

(((0strich)))

hey I'm still here, isn't that enough

Pure rug sweeping.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 8/10/2014 20:04 PM

I think it always helps to vent like that once on awhile. I get what you are saying. Keep to your departure plan. We all have our breaking point.

ILINIA posted 8/10/2014 20:28 PM

Yeah, I remember when WS told me that he had chosen me and I replied that he better never say that to me again because he is no prize. Why in my right mind would I ever choose to stay with you? ----> They can be so delusional and cocky!

Ostrich - you are one tough gal. I have admired your strength and your sacrifice to keep your family life stable. You are right, who cares if he choose you? You don't have to choose him. You have a free pass out of the marriage. You can walk at any time.

I am sorry he has rugswept his behavior and he hasn't turned any of his energy towards the marriage. Do you think he is just in denial, naive, or purposefully avoiding any work?

notperfect5 posted 8/10/2014 21:00 PM

Oh Ostrich80, I fell like your username. But where did the 80 come from? Your heart rate?

Just found out my WW fell off the wagon. This time she enlisted my eldest daughter to try to cover her tracks. The problem is I never taught my daughters to be liars or cheaters, so they SUCK at it...

5 years is a long time. A very long time. Will it get better? Do I have another 4 years of this only to be right here with you?

Should we be content that we are sticking with our mates because that's what spouses are supposed to do? That we will do what they won't.

Hugs and Peace...

healingroad posted 8/10/2014 21:12 PM

It's good that you vent like this. It helps you unload some of the pain and frustration, and it helps other people see what can happen if a WS refuses to do the work needed for their BS to heal. This was the kind of story I used to think about whether my WW and I were headed for success or failure. (Short answer: failure.)

A good rule is, if you know you're going to fail, "fail early." That way everyone can get on with their lives.

(((Ostrich80)))

Mochagurl posted 8/10/2014 22:41 PM

Sorry you are feeling frustrated. I know what you mean. My husband does the same thing. Except he is lying. I know for a fact. I am sitting looking at pictures of the two of them moving crap, and he tells me I am not seeing her nor talking to her. And yes, he says I should be thrilled. I said no thanks, just tell the truth.

Anyway, I haven't talked nor seen him for 4 days. That's big for me. He is a waste of space and time in my mind.

H
Take care and just keep moving forward..

blakesteele posted 8/10/2014 22:54 PM

still here, isn't that enough.

I get the passionate "I'll never do that again" line from my wife....then I find she lurks his FB page. Really?

You are so correct. It is not about the A or the AP. Sure, thats a no-brainer deal breaker. It really is about the wayward spouse.

Our current therapists said

"Adultery is not a symptom of a broken marriage....a broken marriage is a symptom of a person who can choose adultery"

Just stopping, just ending A, just professing they learned their lesson is a waywards wet-dream solution to the very real, very painful consequences to their very real, verys selfish choices.

Waywards love the control they have as they choose how they do life....even up to and including their choice to pick the fruit of their lifes work, adultery. What they hate and some come to resent is the LACK of control they have over these very real, very painful consequences.

Some waywards, appartently including your husband, want to back off picking that fruit but so desire to stay in that same orchard. KWIM?

If he cane to me and said, its been over for weeks and even if I knew 100% that it wouldn't happen again, I still would say no way
OW is not my problem, my ws is, whether he's involved with her or not.

I made the same mistake many other BS's make in the begining of this journey....gave way to much credit, placed way to much blame on the AP. As time has passed on my journey, my trial is just like the average trial of many. My wife was what allowed adultery to be invited into our marital bed. Had she used two letters combined to make one word, this IED would have never been set off in the middle of our M and family.

"No".

That is all that was needed to avoid this.

Our M, our family was deemed worth sacrificing when my wife used three letters.

"Yes"


The past two years have been filled with many 4 letter words since then.

God help us all.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/10/2014 22:54 PM

OW is not my problem, my ws is, whether he's involved with her or not. The end.
Amen.
I've planned my departure.
You've been talking about this departure for over 2 years now. Do you have an actual timeline drawn up for yourself?

O, you have GOT to get away from this guy. He is stealing your life away from you and I'm worried that you are going to look back at these years and find it hard to shake off the angry, bitter feelings......

Time Ticks On posted 8/10/2014 22:57 PM

Vent away, it is good to get it off your chest.

My husband told me once that I "won". I said I didn't enter any damn competition. What did I win? A liar and a cheater? Wow, just what every woman dreams of marrying....He never said that again.

Ostrich80 posted 8/11/2014 00:07 AM

Do you think he is just in denial, naive, or purposefully avoiding any work?

He thinks he's smarter than the average bear. He thinks he's outsmarted me, but its just I know what I know and I'm done talking about it. I guess he considers that a victory


A good rule is, if you know you're going to fail, "fail early." That way everyone can get on with their lives.

I didn't think we would fail at first. I regret not kicking his ass to the curb though. I would recommend now, if they aren't busting their ass immediately...give them the gate. I really think they get some kind of pleasure out of manipulation and keeping you hanging. He knew he wasn't giving that bitch up, so why waste my time...arrogance in being so sly I guess


You've been talking about this departure for over 2 years now. Do you have an actual timeline drawn up for yourself?

June 2015. My youngest will graduate from hs and our house is going up for sale. We will be moving, just not together.

healingroad posted 8/11/2014 11:59 AM

Any way you could get this done before June? I know it seems like it's good to stick for the kid, but surely you've endured enough? I don't know all the considerations, but you've been through the grinder. If that's the right choice for you, great, but make sure it's the right choice for YOU, not just the teenager.

Hurtingnnc posted 8/11/2014 12:05 PM

I keep getting surprised as I read an find words I could have typed. Last PM I asked what he had done to help me heal and he responded with, "I quit talking to all of them." My reply was that he should never have been doing it in the first place so he would have to forgive me for not rewarding him for giving that up.

I am currently praying for peace and comfort for all of us.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/11/2014 12:12 PM

June 2015. My youngest will graduate from hs and our house is going up for sale. We will be moving, just not together.
You know we are going to hold you to this, right, sweetie?

I am so proud of you, though, Ostrich. You have come such a long, long way. You are getting stronger and stronger. I can tell. By June 2015 you will be kicking ass and taking names!

Ostrich80 posted 8/11/2014 12:29 PM

Yes Sister!!
I'm actually excited to be on my own. This will give me some needed time to get things in order and pay some bills off. I'm not really staying for the kids, they know what's going on but she did want to finish up her senior year before we move. I won't be staying where I'm at now, after we split. Almost 30 yrs of marriage...a lot of untangling of things.

Cordelia posted 8/11/2014 13:04 PM

I know how you feel. My WS ended the brief A before I discovered it, but simply won't admit it, even in the face of evidence. I am just trying to find one more piece to force him into it. He's been very loving etc. but doesn't seem to understand - or does but doesn't care enough - that I need the truth in order to do what he now wants - to be happy, passionate, and to get married after all these years. Instead, I am spending time searching for answers on the Internet, but only when I am alone as he watches me all the time, looking at what I am doing. It is sad and is driving me crazy.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/11/2014 13:22 PM

I'm so very sorry it's come to this, Ostrich, I really am.

I do want to say that I admire you greatly for not settling anymore.

Good on you.

I truly wish you nothing but in the best in your new future life.

OakStreet posted 8/11/2014 14:27 PM

((Ostrich80))

I have always gotten such insight from your postings and your strength.

You rock!

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