"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

betrayedbytheone posted 8/10/2014 19:39 PM

So, my wife and I were married for 4yrs 11months and a handful of days before I found out her lies (our 5 year is August 14). I have been suspicious and so I did go snooping around in her purse. She had changed and these new "girls nights" were getting out of hand, she slept at our house 5 times over the course of 14 nights and most of them were coming home around midnight and just wanting to go to sleep. Just FYI, I knew my wife had a past with women when I married her. She said that was a part of her life that was over and she did not want to go back down that road (lies). We have only ever had one fight during our marriage and things have never seemed to be all that "bad". So after looking through her purse 2 weeks ago I found the love letters from her female boss!! This is someone who she introduced to me as a friend. I have been to her house, fed her (in my house) and even worked on her car! Feeling like I got slapped in the face with all this! Well, I did not want to confront her right then and there. It was late and we both had to be to work the next morning.
That night was hell! Couldn't sleep next to her for fear I would kill her. Ended up on the couch all night. Played it cool that morning as we got ready for work and told her I loved her. That day was a whirlwind of emotions. My Mother came to console me. Broke down at work and spilled the beans to everybody there. Their advice was to run! My mother was basically the same, file for divorce ASAP and get her out of you life.
Once I got home she was there and I told her we needed to talk. I would give her a minute and I wanted to change out of my work clothes and into something comfortable. I told her that I saw the love letters and that I knew she was having an affair. She admitted to it! Said she was sorry but she was not in love with me anymore and had fallen DEEPLY in love with the other person. I asked her if she would have any desire to save the marriage and go to counseling and her reply was no. I filed the next day: July 29, 2014. We did talk for about 2 hours and I gave her plenty of time to change her mind and try to save our marriage... no. She said that the marriage had gotten stale and boring, that I had given up. Well, she had given up about 2 years ago and I kept trying. Let's go do this, let's do that, lets get bikes so we can ride together... Lets have sex!! The sex basically stopped 2 years ago. The only time she was interested was when she was drunk (about 5 times in the last 2 years). So After a year of being told no and being turned down by my wife I also just GAVE UP trying. We have basically lived as roommates that sleep in the same bed ever since. I told her to get her stuff out by the end of August and for the sake of being a "nice Guy" give her that week to prepare and pack for:
So, for the last week she has been volunteering at a youth camp (religious youth camp at that). I have not had to see her or speak with her but have seen her on Facebook at the same time almost every night most likely chatting with her lover. It has been hell.
Now she is back in town. I'm guessing about 4 hours at this point. I'm sure I know where she is and exactly what she is doing... The other happily married female she went with is already home and posting updates on FB, so I know she has to be back. She was the first friend that my wife told.
I'm a mess. I am going to a counselor through work but I only get 6 sessions and then I have to find somewhere else. I can barely eat, cant sleep and I'm just depressed. I know it's not my fault. I don't know what friends I have after all this. I have reconnected with my old "Drinking Buddies" from my single days, some were my groomsmen. But our mutual friends?? I really enjoyed their company and friendship and now I don't want to be "that guy". If they are going to still be friends with or side with my wife, fine. But I did nothing wrong in this. My old buddies are all supportive but some are not the crowd that I need to be hanging with again. I'll start spending every night back sitting at a bar.
Just looking for advice. I found the site because of a similar post that turned up on Google. I want to work things out, really I do. I still love her and if she were to make the effort we could get back to what we had, I know we could. We were a unstoppable duo! People used to come to us for relationship advice because of how great our marriage was! I really only filed to try and shock her into changing her mind, that might have backfired on me! But, I'm not backing down on the divorce unless she shows signs that she wants to save what we had. Thank you ahead of time!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/10/2014 19:57 PM

Hi, betrayed, I just wanted to let you know you've been heard and aren't alone. There are others here in the same situation (that's the beauty of SI).

Start reading here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Hopefully, some other guys in your situation will be along shortly with some words of wisdom.

kaylee711 posted 8/10/2014 20:13 PM

Wow - come to think of it, the WS in this occasion could definitely pull the "we're BFF's 'card'" and would probably have an easier time convincing the BS.....

WS with opposite gender partners have a much harder time convincing BS that "they are 'just friends'"

Nonetheless, your pain is just as real as if your WS were with a male partner.

Keep strong and keep posting...

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 8:59 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Snowy posted 8/10/2014 21:25 PM

Hi

I have been down your track.

Wife had a same sex affair with another woman. Came completely out of left field. Sometimes I thought I watching someone else's life.

Some of things I learnt;

1.It is not your fault. You went into this marriage open and trying to make it work. I suspect she didn't

2. Do not try and rationalise anything. It did my head in

3. It takes 2 to make a marriage. When 1 stops, it is all over and there is nothing you can do about it

4. Keep physically active. It helps getting the anger out.

I agree with your mother. Run!!!!!

Have as little as you can with your WS. Read the 180. This is to help you detach and recover, not to reclaim your marriage.

This will be the hardest thing in your life, but sometimes we need to close the door and move onto the next phase of our life

badmedicine posted 8/10/2014 23:48 PM

Welcome, betrayed, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through!

I do want to say that I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. After she clearly said she didn't want to work on the marriage you filed for D and you have stuck to it! I understand how hard it is, to have everything blow up in your face and feel so confused. How awful that she pulled away from you for 2 years and then used this to get out instead of working on the M or asking for D before. Stay strong and start to detach. 6 IC sessions is at least a start. I hope you can find people IRL to talk to about this; I agree that spending every night drinking with your old buddies won't be helpful, however. As for the mutual friends, I wouldn't keep any of her secrets. That doesn't mean you have to send out a group email or anything, but don't cover up for her. Plus, once she brings this other relationship public people will figure it out. Fast divorce and a new girlfriend?? Yeah, that's easy to put together. Please take care of yourself. Betrayal is so hard, so painful. The healing library has some great resources, and so does just reading other posts. Things will get better but it takes time. Just try to focus on yourself and the little things like sleeping, eating, and exercising for now. Reach out here and IRL if you need to, including your doctor for sleep/anxiety/AD meds if applicable. Again, sorry you are here and hurting.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2014 00:04 AM

3. It takes 2 to make a marriage. When 1 stops, it is all over and there is nothing you can do about it

I asked her if she would have any desire to save the marriage and go to counseling and her reply was no

.Your WW indicated no interest in salvaging the marriage. Filing for D was the only option that she left you with.

Schadenfreude posted 8/11/2014 07:41 AM

You will not go back to what you had as that marriage is dead. You will never have the same trust in her even if R is totally successful. Don't expect any such thing.

Sexual orientation is something you cannot change in your wife. If she is a lesbian there is effectively no hope for reconciliation to what you would consider a normal marriage. If she is bisexual then she cheated with an AP who happens to be a woman and her boss. Regardless of APs gender WW has declined counseling and has no remorse. A hard row to hoe if you hope for R.

betrayedbytheone posted 8/11/2014 13:05 PM

BetrayedByTheOne here. Everyone talks about "The 180" but I have looked the Healing Library over and see no article or topic called "The 180". Maybe it is my browser or my anti ad software or it is listed under something different but I just don't see it.

So, here it is the next day and I still have not heard anything from her. I did leave a long detailed 5 page letter to her figuring that she would be at the house today while I was at work. The letter is basically laying the rules and expectations I have moving forward and letting her know I am not going to feel responsible for her actions.

I just hope I can make it through this without snapping! I'm at my wits end and ready to curl up into a ball and check out of reality for awhile! ugh!

StillGoing posted 8/11/2014 15:23 PM

BBTO, here is the 180:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Basically it's about focusing on yourself moving forward.

Keep taking care of yourself. You will get there.

LumpyLola posted 8/11/2014 18:25 PM

Betrayals are so hard to deal with, no matter who the OP happens to be. Vows are broken, promises ignored.

It all hurts. Hang in there.