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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: XW Marrying AP
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone.

I guess this counts as a new beginning: DD told me her mother is marrying her AP. I am not surprised at all; I've always predicted she would as soon as possible after the divorce. (And I'm surprised she is not yet pregnant.) I no longer spend much time figuring her out (she has to marry him to prove to herself it wasn't fantasy, she can't be alone, etc.).

But I am still very sad--in spite of the horrors (past and ongoing) she visited upon me and our children, including all the usual false reconciliation, limbo, getting pregnant with his baby and leading me to believe it was ours, on and on.... And despite the fact that I finally stood up and divorced her... I still feel replaced, discarded, all of it. I have been left a struggling single dad while she never for a moment experienced the tribulations of single motherhood.

I know I am indulging in self-pity, and I know that I will be OK, as I have survived the darkest of days. I will always be my kids' dad, and I am a great one. I am lonely but will not bring another woman into my children's lives for a long time, as they are struggling with their mother's relationship with her boyfriend, who continues to be mean to them.

But still. I am sad. Not devastated. But very very sad. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she really did find the true love of her life. (I don't really believe this in my heart, but the thought haunts me even as I try to bat it away.)

I know so many of you will understand. Thank you.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:47 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Dec 2012
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Abbondad))

I'm sorry. That has to hurt.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7870 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs ((Abbondad))

My exWH has been engaged twice since our divorce (well, one of those while married). Even though he rushed into both of those and clearly was working out his own issues, it still hurt. I think largely because it made me wonder if that was what his relationship with me was all about.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15349 | Registered: Jun 2006
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Abbondad))))

You sound like you are in a better place, even though you are very sad, and focusing on being a great Dad which I admire.

This is a tough road, but you are doing a lot of things well and keeping it together for your kids.



BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5960 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs abbondad

Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
WinterBranch
♀ 42671
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Blech and Ouch! Know what you mean, though. My STBX was clearly lining up the MOW to have her divorced and in queue before he left me. (Cuz otherwise he might actually have to pay his own bills, etc.)

Maybe she really did find the true love of her life.

Nah. Real love doesn't start with trying to destroy another person. It's just Skittle farts. I doubt they'll be happy. Just two destructors colliding. I'm glad your kids have you.

Even though your head knows what's up, still hurts your heart.

((Abbondad))


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2014
cissi
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she really did find the true love of her life.

Nope because if that were true he would not be mean to her kids.


Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain brother.

Maybe she really did find the true love of her life

That's why she aborted his child. Point being, you're much safer away from her.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3315 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it sucks. It was very hard for me to deal with at first. I never thought my ex-cheater would have such poor judgment; I figured that he used his dolt of an AP as an exit affair, but he's such a sad, needy little child that he had to marry her because he can't be alone.

However-- all ranting aside-- it's like anything else. You get used to it. You develop a thick skin. You slowly but surely realize that the fantasy world you think they have together is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Slowly but surely, the pain subsides, and you make it less about your pain and more about protecting your children.

My ex may have found a better partner for his needs, but he sure as hell did not find the love of his life. He's incapable of doing so because he's too selfish. He found the mommy that he was looking for. She will dote on him and look up to him, and in return, he'll provide the house and health insurance that she needs since she can't take care of herself financially. That doesn't sound like true love to me; that sounds like a suffocating, co-dependent relationship.

Being sad is totally normal. In time, your sadness will become replaced with relief that your XWW is no longer your problem, and you will find yourself looking at the situation more as the advocate and protector of your children. My kids are struggling with the ex and his stepfamily as well; they don't enjoy visitation, and they'd much rather be with me. They are now seeing the forest for the trees as well.

I no longer feel replaced or discarded-- read my tagline. I feel liberated. You'll get there, and your kids will benefit by having you as their steady parent whom they can count on no matter what.


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3659 | Registered: Oct 2011
Blackhair
♀ 39451
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much advise other than we all understand your pain and firmly believe it will get better over time.

It is tough at times like this, but good to come SI to share your pain.
(Aboundad)


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met 20 yrs younger girl online.
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
velveteer
♂ 30997
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear this Abbondad - this must be tough. But....patience. We both know that your XW is deep in a fantasy world and we both know that fantasies cannot last. Its bullshit and leave it at that.

More importantly, make your well being and happiness about you and the kids and not about her. I know hat's heard but you will get there - as you said you have survived the darkest of days. You will survive this.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she really did find the true love of her life. (I don't really believe this in my heart, but the thought haunts me even as I try to bat it away.)

I'll admit to those thoughts here and there, as well.

But I'm a few years further out, and I met the love of my life, too. What's more, we got to start our story without betraying anyone and without hurting any children.

Those thoughts don't haunt me anymore. Not to get too holier than thou, but even people like my ex and the guy who entered our marriage, unwanted, can find some form of love, reserved for those who don't much care about anyone else. She won the battle. I won the prize in the end.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you as always, SI Friends. I knew I could wake up this morning and find comforting and understanding words--as well as wisdom. And I feel better than I did yesterday. And the fact that I do feel better so quickly tells me just how far I've come from two years ago.

Hearing "the news" hurt, but my head is prevailing over my heart already. I recall all too well (and am reminded every day) how broken she is, what she did, and I breathe a sigh of relief that she is no longer my problem. What I do know is that she is not happy. And I say this not with any unconscious motivation--"She is not happy without me," and underlying that, "I want her back..."

She is just really messed up and fouled up her life in shocking ways.

But if I do need just a slight reminder that she is not riding off into the sunset with her latest KISA, the other day I received this text (DS was with me):

"Abbondad, DS just called me crying that he doesn't feel well and wants me to pick him up. I told him you would take good care of him. Give him Tylenol, (blah blah blah...)"

I texted back: "Thanks, no temp, will take good care of him."

And then I get this:

"I am very sick too: fever, aches and chills."

WTF. Am I to feel sympathy? Why would she feel it necessary (or have the right or the audacity) to inform me of this? Could it be her KISA (ironically a nurse) is not tending to Princess's needs appropriately?

Be assured, I gave crickets to this little whimper.

Happily ever after indeed....

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:06 AM, August 11th (Monday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Dec 2012
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AD))))

This is not the 'love of her life'.

But it is normal to have these feelings and part of the healing process. Her marriage will be another milestone in your moving forward--something that, once behind you, adds another milestone you've put behind you.

As for the struggles you've faced, they are continuing to make you a stronger and more whole person.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
HobbesTheTiger
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to say. In some ways, I hope it will make things easier for you in the long run. By the way, will this have any positive effects on your finances, i.e. no more spousal support? Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 531 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
mike7
♂ 38603
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't think for a minute that the AP is some kind of special prize. remember, the only woman he could find that would want him was a broken, delusional, married woman. who aborted his child.

and the only reason she ended up with him is because she was too broken and spineless to make a choice, so you made the choice for her. you are the only winner in this story. never doubt that for a moment.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Mar 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think, vs what do you know? It's what I learned in counseling.

I thought the same thing -- that perhaps XWH found the love of his life, and why couldn't he be "that guy" for me?

Then, I ran into a parent of my child's friend and we haven't seen each other in a couple of years. She had been to lunch with OW a while back - OW doesn't know we know each other. She said OW is miserable! She told my friend that she made a mistake with XWH! She said he is really dumb. She said she still loves her XH and is sleeping with another guy behind my H back!!! A neighbor of OW told me she has made negative comments about my WS to her. The kids say she is always telling my WS what to do and how to do it....

So,,, you and I THINK everything is ok with them, but we don't KNOW it.

What my XWH actually got with OW is a drinking buddy.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Jan 2012
allatsea
♂ 38923
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

You an I have spoken about this directly and you know I know how you feel. It's another bite of the crap sandwich you've been forced to eat.

Hopefully, as time goes by the crap will reduce and you'll be left with the fantastic taste of Marmite.

You know where I am if you need to chat.


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone.

I'm feeling much better. Indeed, this is yet another battle between the head and the heart--what I feel vs. what I know. What led me to divorce her was my head--my heart put up a hell of a fight. And I have no regrets. I am choosing to see this latest bout not as a setback but as another turn in my journey away from this poisonous person--who as you note, is no prize, but a broken human whom I left for damned good reasons. I have no regrets.

The journey has many twists and seems to bend back here and there, but it really does move forward. This is just another stone blocking my way. I resolve to kick it aside.

By the way, will this have any positive effects on your finances, i.e. no more spousal support?

She had to pay me SS in a lump sum. And she pays me CS. And our QDROS have come in: she gets half the marital portion of my retirement (less than $450 a month--in fifteen years, when retire). I get half her 401k (around 15k) immediately.

Needless to say, she is not pleased (in a fury, to be accurate) about the financial outcome of the divorce she did her best to bring about.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:50 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AD)))

You do realize that even those this smarts a bit you really are the winner here. I mean that poor bastard has no clue what he is in store for. (SNORK) Wait until he has to take care of her when she's really sick with some bug that causes assphasia (puking and shitting at the same time). She needs a cool cloth, and blah de blah..... Ain't your problem no more.

I hope you were able to give her crickets when she was fishing for sympathy.

The only thing in all of this that really chaps my ass is that this charmer is mean to your kids. That is unacceptable.

Sending you strength and happiness.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 65
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