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User Topic: Getting pregnant after an affair
jamcray
♀ 43783
Member # 43783
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you and your spouse decide it was time to have children after an affair (during/after reconciliation)?

I'm not sure that it will ever look like a smart choice, to get pregnant after the problems we've been through, but I'm also not comfortable with resigning myself to never having a family. We are in the middle of R right now, so not quite to the happy place but definitely working there.

Sorry for the short post, H just walked in.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Such a complicated question. Talk about putting all your cards on the table and going all in for the M.

The fact that you cut the post short due to WH walking in makes it sound like you guys need to communicate a bit more openly. Does he know you're thinking about and struggling with this? I think he's the person you need to have this conversation with.

I think it comes down to a few questions: are you comfortable enough in R to make the commitment of having a child together? Are you ready to give up/delay your dream of a family in favor of continuing to work on R with him? If the answer to both of those is No, are you ready to leave him and find a partner that you see a different future with, and with whom you would have those children?


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 808 | Registered: May 2014
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, pregnancy and babies make R even harder. I had confirmed my pregnancy the day before dday. I did not stay for my children, but I also knew I had the ability to care for them even if my H and I didn't make it. The hormonal ups and down of pregnancy combined with the serious emotional roller coaster of healing from betrayal are sometimes unbearable. Finding the time to talk and heal when you have a screaming newborn means even less sleep than normal. Investing the kind of time and energy it takes to heal a marriage is even harder when you have a child who depends on you for its every need. I love my children dearly, and my life would not be the same without them, but if I could have chosen, I would not have had a child until I was secure in R. I've ready your previous posts. Gently, what has changed in the last month and a half? Is your H being transparent? Has he started counseling? Are his actions telling you he is committed for the long haul? Consider those answers and then talk to him befor you make any decisions. My H has busted his tail and we are making great gains. But, I lost the joy of my third pregnancy and a year of my older children's lives because I just don't remember much of anything from that first year.

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Jan 2013
jamcray
♀ 43783
Member # 43783
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H does not know about my membership here which is why I cut my post short. I prefer to keep this private because I don't care to filter my posts for him.

This is not something we are discussing in the imminent future. It is one of my concerns about the relationship progressing - am I giving up my "best" (in this case, fertile) years to work on a marriage that may or may not succeed?

We love each other. That is good. Am I able to accept it and move on? At some point, yes. Are we to the point where I feel safe, secure, and like I can trust him? No. It will come if we work on it.

Have things changed...well, they look like it. We are both in counseling and he is initiating communication. I have a tendency to log on here and actually post when I don't know what else to do.

I know all of this is putting the cart before the horse. But, I feel we need to be on the same page in the future. This could be a goal or milestone to work towards in the marriage. Getting to where we love and trust and respect each other enough to start that family. It is something I want.

I'm all over the place, but would love of anyone who intentionally conceived during R after an A or ONS. What made you get to that place? Was there one thing that helped you get there?

I don't know about you, but I feel like there will never be an "after" R. It will always be during.

I know we are not going to D or S. My heart is not in that. I just don't know at what point I will feel secure in bringing children into the what-if.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're concerned about giving up your best years waiting, are you in a financial position to harvest & freeze eggs? It's expensive, but it could be a huge show of faith on both of your parts- on yours to go through the process (hormone treatments, trigger shots, and the retrieval procedure), and on both of you to put the money into it. Make sure that you retain complete custody of the eggs so that if R doesn't play out well you can use those eggs either with a donor to intentionally be a single mom, or with a future partner. You don't reach 'advanced maternal age' until 35.

I can't tell you about pregnancy after DDay, but I had a 3 week old on DDay. I felt trapped. We also have a 3 year old, so between being in recovery from giving birth, and facing the demands of a newborn and toddler, I chose to put the M on a 1 year trial period rather than kick him out. I could never wish my kids away, they are the most amazing things to happen to me, but I have wished that he wasn't their father. It's a truly hideous way to feel.

I'm 4 months out later this week, and the baby is amazing, but dealing with her and the mess WH has created is leaving me feeling like a shell of my former self. Couples stay up all night talking about this sh*t, and I wish we could. I'm up all night caring for the baby (he helps occasionally, but I breastfeed so he can't do much). We can only devote a few hours any day to facing our mess because the rest of it is used looking after the kids, and we won't discuss this in front of them.

I'm not saying to never have a child with him. But I'd do a fair amount of couples counseling before hand. And I wouldn't be looking to get pregnant for at least 1, if not 2 years after DDay.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 808 | Registered: May 2014
GonnaGetThru
♀ 38817
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice here, just wanted to say you've been heard. Been thinking about this subject a lot, glad it got brought up. Having more kids was always a "maybe" for us pre-a. This time now, with our younger D starting school, was going to be the time if we were going to have another. But then the A happened, and even though we're in R, I don't know how I feel about having more. I WANT more kids but I think I'm too scared of the "what if's". Another thing H's A sucked the joy out of :/


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, jamcray, if you were my daughter I'd gently advise her to give it some time until you begin to feel safe in the marriage again and the WH has shown true remorse, not only by his words, but by his deeds.

Dealing with this nightmare is difficult enough, bringing an innocent child into the mix would only make things harder IMO.

I'm not sure that it will ever look like a smart choice

^^^Yes, it can be a smart choice when both of you are on the same page. Right now the foundation is in a million pieces, but it can be rebuilt to the point of true R and trust. It will take much more time than a couple of months to get to what will be a "new" normal. Be patient and focus on healing right now.


Posts: 7665 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
10yearsafter
♂ 43139
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should really wait. Think long and hard about having kids because kids can be hard on a fragile marriage.


Posts: 303 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
olwen
♀ 39759
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO if you're young enough, wait. Babies, especially first borns are much harder than you expect. Well that was my experience anyway. You need to be able to devote your time and energy - both mental and physical to that little being who is totally dependent on you.

Best to wait until R is really going well and has been for a while and then re think.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 832 | Registered: Jul 2013
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if your are under 35 and have no issues conceiving...i would wait and see if you want to stay married to this man. it really does take a long time to see if a wayward is really remorseful and doing the work. sometimes waywards are remoseful in the beginning....and do the work. but MOST of the time...there is fog, more lies, more cheating...and tt. and it is very painful. the rollercoaster is brutal.

in my case...i was pushng 40 when all of this happend. and i did have fertility issues. i already had a 2 year old at the time, and always wanted more children.

the decision came down to this for me: "why should i allow his poor decisions to ROB me out of having another child and sibling for my son?" no way. i talked this through in ic as well. had i decided to wait...and then missed my chance to have a baby...i would end up hating him in the longrun, whether i stayed with him or not. can you imagine 5 years later if i had waited and missed my chance. i would be sitting here upset because i stayed with my h...but because he cheated, i didnt have another kid. talk about eatng a shit sandwich. no way.

so, yes we had started a healthy r the second time around..but i moved forward with having another child. i knew that if things didnt work out, i would be able to take care of my children financially, and i have a lot of support from family. and that if it didnt work out, then i had my children...regardless of him.

but see...i had to make this decision at 40...whole different ballgame. you know what i mean?

now, had i been 31 or 32 years old....or younger. i would definitely wait. and strongly consider freezing my eggs as well as the other posted suggested.

being pregnant during while in r is hard. it just is. it was for me. my h was doing all the right things...but it is important for me to share that the pain in no way goes away. and certainly doesnt even after you are holding a beautiful baby. you still have to process and et through what happend. there is really no escaping it. it is not like on tv where when the baby is born....al is well and forgiven. no. you still have to heal through the nightmare.

hugs to you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if your are under 35 and have no issues conceiving...i would wait and see if you want to stay married to this man. it really does take a long time to see if a wayward is really remorseful and doing the work. sometimes waywards are remoseful in the beginning....and do the work. but MOST of the time...there is fog, more lies, more cheating...and tt. and it is very painful. the rollercoaster is brutal.

in my case...i was pushng 40 when all of this happend. and i did have fertility issues. i already had a 2 year old at the time, and always wanted more children.

the decision came down to this for me: "why should i allow his poor decisions to ROB me out of having another child and sibling for my son?" no way. i talked this through in ic as well. had i decided to wait...and then missed my chance to have a baby...i would end up hating him in the longrun, whether i stayed with him or not. can you imagine 5 years later if i had waited and missed my chance. i would be sitting here upset because i stayed with my h...but because he cheated, i didnt have another kid. talk about eatng a shit sandwich. no way.

so, yes we had started a healthy r the second time around..but i moved forward with having another child. i knew that if things didnt work out, i would be able to take care of my children financially, and i have a lot of support from family. and that if it didnt work out, then i had my children...regardless of him.

but see...i had to make this decision at 40...whole different ballgame. you know what i mean?

now, had i been 31 or 32 years old....or younger. i would definitely wait. and strongly consider freezing my eggs as well as the other posted suggested.

being pregnant during while in r is hard. it just is. it was for me. my h was doing all the right things...but it is important for me to share that the pain in no way goes away. and certainly doesnt even after you are holding a beautiful baby. you still have to process and et through what happend. there is really no escaping it. it is not like on tv where when the baby is born....al is well and forgiven. no. you still have to heal through the nightmare.

hugs to you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sri624 is so true - so much depends on the age you are to help you make the best decision for you! As we all know - R is a long haul and there is no given time-frame when we will be "over" it and reconciled and so much depends on both partners having similar goals and making efforts. I think Irishgirl also makes a great point that if you don't feel you are ready and there are any doubts in your mind about fertility etc then maybe you want to explore a back-up plan of storing eggs if that is something you are comfortable with. This is such a personal decision and the reality is that only you will know what is best for you and your family, including any siblings there may already be!

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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