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GettingHappy posted 8/10/2014 21:36 PM

I am struggling with the fact that I was being replaced by the OWs while my WH was in his As. I know that I am better than them but I wasn't in his eyes. Does anyone feel this way? I don't know how to stop these feelings. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Wodnships posted 8/10/2014 21:43 PM

I felt that way early on after Dday, but that has faded. The more I realize that there is nothing I could have done differently and all of this is about my WW's problems and not me.

ReconcilingWife posted 8/10/2014 21:49 PM

YES. And it wasn't just that I was replaced sexually. (Actually, I wasn't--he was sleeping with both of us.) But a lot of the mundane chit-chat about his day, that kind of thing, was going to her instead of me. She was his real partner during the affair, not me, and that really, really bothers me.

I am assuming that with time and a better understanding of why he did this (which was certainly to do with FOO issues, and not me, and not our marriage), I will be able to cope better.

MegM posted 8/10/2014 21:50 PM

GettingHappy

I felt like this. that my husband was replacing me, replacing his feelings for me.

The AP was very attractive, slim, fit, glossy hair about 4 years younger than me.

At the time (when I was being gaslighted but consumed with suspicion) and for months after discovery I really felt like he had disregarded me entirely and valued all of the above.

This feeling has changed over time. I understand his affair was about his disregard for his own value, an attempt to fill a hole within himself.

I won't pretend that his infidelity and choice of AP hasn't altered my self image. It has. At the moment I have gained weight again and it is all bundled up with feeling less secure in myself and that bearing out on my feelings about our relationship just now.

It remains a challenge, and something I have to work through.

I do truly believe though that affairs are about a lacking in the unfaithful person. That they carry them on because the AP will mirror back what the WS wants to see. they don't have to face reality, which as their spouse tends to be what they see in our eyes.

best wishes.

Meg

Hopeful74 posted 8/10/2014 22:01 PM

I definitely feel that way and it hurts deeply! I know what kind of person I am and I know what kind of woman she is and there really is no competition. But it hurts so deeply to know that my H could change the way he sees me to be with someone else. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a prize and he was lucky to have me. She was a dime a dozen and he will never love anyone as much as he loved me. It is exhausting trying to see myself through my own eyes, as opposed to how I feel through his. He has been my life for 18 years, and to be so easily replaced is extremely hurtful and devastating. I guess that is why some WS don't do what it takes to make it work. It is too difficult and they are too lazy or scared to look that closely at themselves. It is sad that they are willing to let go of the best things that have ever happened to them (my husband's words to me 5 months ago, before I made it too hard for him to come back), than to fix the problems in themselves. Because that is where the problem lies, not with you. You are a good person, doing the right things. They have to change who we are in their minds in order to do what they do. It doesn't mean that is what we truly are.

Didact posted 8/11/2014 12:18 PM

Yes. It is the single most horrifying thought about the A. It has taken me a lot of pain and effort to begin to believe that this was not, in fact, the case. Much of that effort has been on the part of my WW, otherwise, I think I'd have been stuck on this issue, and we would be heading to D.

rachelc posted 8/11/2014 12:21 PM

My husband basically left our marriage for a while and started dating. He failed to tell me this.
When I look at it I think he must not have been too serious about it because he dated unavailable women. Also, he said he didn't even like one of them. Wow, then to nearly destroy your marriage on someone you don't like? What does that say about me? It kind of says a lot about him though...

GettingHappy posted 8/11/2014 14:03 PM

Thanks for your replies everyone. Having a really bad day. I feel like the OW was treated very well by my WH. I want to be treated at least that well. I think for him it was initially an exit affair but now we are trying to reconcile. He is trying to work on himself in IC and reading How to Help Your Spouse but I honestly don't know if he can handle helping me through this. I have serious doubts. I am holding off until will go back to MC because I think he will be able to share more easily there. Maybe the MC can help him to understand my feelings. We have a great counselor but took a break because he was still in contact with OW.

Thanks for the support.

JLyn1128 posted 8/11/2014 15:53 PM

That feeling is pretty common, I guess. I was 'replaced' by a woman 25 years our junior. During one of our discussions I told WSO... what I lost was that feeling of 'special' that if tomorrow I got hit by a bus, my replacement was already in line and he could just change the sheets and go. That was not how I felt about him, and the thought hurt more than anything else I had discovered. His response to me was that she was never my replacement. He never intended to have her here and that if I got hit by a bus he would be devastated. He might eventually find someone to share his life with, but it would not be her. She was not a person he could live his life with. She was not even a 'nice' person. The need she was filling in his life could have been filled by any other woman, or a good hooker. All she was to him was available at the drop of a hat and the price of lunch.

Do I believe him? After DD he dropped her like a hot potato and has never looked back. I've struggled with his relationship with her more than he has. The counselor suggested that what he said was more than likely true, at least in our case. It might be different in others, but our relationship was non-existant during his A. So that's what I work on and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt it. The other day, while I was doing something in the kitchen I caught him looking at me and said, "what?" And he responded, "I can't take my eyes off you for some reason today. Just glad you're here with me." She was a 'replacement', I guess, for a moment. But not for anything I couldn't provide better.

wolf_heart posted 8/11/2014 16:10 PM

I still struggle with this too. I was replaced for almost 4 months. Yes, he still was having sex with me and talking to me, however she got more of his attention. She was the one his mind was occupied with the most.

My WH has tried to reassure me now that he only thinks of me etc... I am still struggling with what he did and honestly words right now need to be backed up with actions. After all he lied to me, straight to my face, looking in my eyes lied to me for a long time. I figure it will be a matter of his actions and time for me to deal with this aspect of his A.

whattheh posted 8/11/2014 17:15 PM

I went thru this mindset too. I kept talking to my fWH about it and somehow we've gotten past this. But it was EXTREMELY painful and plagued me for thr first year.

There no way the trailer trash OW whore could have replaced me but it took me awhile and some long talks to truly understand and internalize that. In the end I realized he despised her and I knew she didn't know the real him at all.

I think when you really understand that the cheating has nothing to do with you or ur M will also help you realize that you weren't being replaced. These cheaters aren't thinking straight and aren't thinking downstream at any consequences. they just don't think they will EVER be caught.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:18 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

jo2love posted 8/11/2014 17:28 PM

whattheh -

Please remember to follow the guidelines. There is no name calling of the OW in the Recon forum. Thank you.

GettingHappy posted 8/11/2014 20:13 PM

Thank you!! I truly appreciate everyone's responses.

I guess my problem is that he did leave me April 2013 & stayed with her. He moved back home in July. We were going to MC and he never admitted to an A. I found out in November about the A. The affair continued underground until this May. So I think that is why I am having a hard time with it. I was doing better after the first DDay but since it continued for 6 more months to a lesser degree- but still continued- its hard not to see it as being replaced. I continue to compare my relationship with WH to their relationship. I am having a hard time letting that go.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 20:37 PM

I am stumped with this one...trying to figure out why I never felt this way. I think it was bc what they were living was not real. Yes they had sex. Yes they spoke about mundane things....bc why? Because they couldn't talk about real things - the kids, the mortgage, a family member dying, a friend in pain.....I just look at what they had...nothing with substance. It wasn't real. o Why did he move out? Because "real life" wasn't working out for them was it.

((GettingHappy)) I hope you are finding your WS remorseful and willing to do the work to help you heal from the pain he brought to you. I would say, hold off from MC until he gets a good dose of IC first.

GettingHappy posted 8/11/2014 21:32 PM

Thanks LA44- My Wh has been in IC for a few months. I do see changes in him. He says he is trying to become a better person. We have always had a hard time communicating and need our MC to help us. Before I knew about the affair we started working in that in MC. I think it will help me see where we are. He is living with his parents right now and I think it makes it harder to reconcile when we are apart so much.

Hopeful74 posted 8/11/2014 21:44 PM

Getting happy, your story sounds so similar to mine. Like you, my husband chose the OW on DDay and stayed with her for 2 months. I hope your story has the happy ending you want. My H started IC and we stayed separated. After 3 months of therapy, he couldn't answer my questions any more than the night he called me, crying about losing me and his family. He was determined for about 4 months and then stopped answering my questions altogether. He said he would talk in MC, but that is not good enough for me. He needs to be all in and make me see that it is worth it. I believe he is seeing someone else and is not strong enough to really deal with what he has done to me. It was just too hard on him. So, I feel he has taken the easy way again. I hope your H is really working on himself to be everything you need. I know it is possible. I have seen too many positive outcomes on this site to believe otherwise. You will know if he is all in or not. I have learned to really listen to my gut and intuition, so that is one thing I will take from this tragedy. Good luck to you and your husband. I am sending good thoughts your way! ((Hugs))

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 9:45 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

GettingHappy posted 8/12/2014 02:25 AM

Thank you Hopeful. I am sorry things don't feel so positive for you right now. I don't believe my H is seeing anyone. He is much different than he was during the A. He has a lot of difficulty expressing himself emotionally and I think realizing his choices really messed him up even more. I need him to be stronger for me though. I also worry that he won't truly learn from this and will repeat it in the future.

I hope your H turns around for you and realizes what he will be missing without you. You deserve so much more!

GettingHappy posted 8/12/2014 02:34 AM

I had a pity party today (well yesterday). I got a lot off my mind to WH. I think part of our problem is that he doesn't know what to say except sorry. Unfortunately, that doesn't help a lot. Glad my sister had the kids so I could get a lot out of my system. I find pity parties to be very helpful-as long as I can move on from them feeling stronger.

Hopeful74 posted 8/12/2014 06:50 AM

Thanks GettingHappy! I am positive it is not goin to happen for me. I don't think I would want to take him back at this point. Not even when this one blows up in face and he calls me again, crying. It's just something I can't get past anymore. I am envious of those of you whose H's are able to put you first and do what needs to be done. But, we had issues deeper than deeper than the affair, things that I was willing to work on before the A, but he couldn't do it. He was too selfish, and continues to be.

Hopeful74 posted 8/12/2014 06:54 AM

I'm sorry! I don't mean to sound so bitter! I'm really not. Well, maybe toward him. But I am going to be fine and kind of lookin forward what the future holds for me. And I really hope things work out for you and your H and your marriage is even better and stronger than before.

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