Hang in there.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
D-Day, June 10, 2012
What you need to do is pull back from him. He knows how you are because you contact him and talk to him. He hasn't reached out much to you has he?
Go dark on him. Don't call, don't email, don't ask for anything unless it's money or kid related, and even then be very brief with him.
Start the 180. You made a huge positive step by kicking him out, not stop staying in contact with you. Pay attention to what he does over the next several weeks, not the trash he says.
What he is showing you is that helping you or healing your marriage is not a priority to him. So stop treating him like he's a priority for you. I know that's easier said than done. Go over the 180 list, print it out and read it several times a day.
If he calls don't answer. Let it go to voicemail. Then listen to it and post here for support on if and how you should respond. Same with emails.
You are doing better than you realise. You have gotten him away from you so you have the chance to think clearly about things.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Second, take a deep breath. You can do this!! You have already done a lot. Now, just do what you can to ignore him. Channel your thoughts into something productive, like cleaning , walking, knitting, whatever. Do. Not. Answer. NO CONTACT! You can do it. Just do it for a few hours, then a few more. If you make it a week you should give yourself a prize like a cupcake or a manicure or whatever you enjoy. Something!
If you can just do that it will help. It's only been a few weeks since you found out. Seriously, I was still curled up in the fetal position at all times when I wasn't at work. Even sometimes at work I had to take breaks to find a closet to cry. If you are functioning (eating, showering, wearing mostly clean clothes, sort of sleeping) you are doing FANTASTIC at this point. I promise. So cut yourself some slack and work on one thing at a time. You will gain strength and be ready for your spine transplant!
**you can always go back and look at your previous posts to read old advice. For me it took awhile before some of it sunk in. Mostly because I could hardly read through the tears.
I'm sorry you are here but I'm glad you are reaching out for help. You can do this.
ETA: painpaingoaway, those are nice shoes!!
and then again because I can't copy and paste like a normal person
[This message edited by badmedicine at 11:58 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
He still continues to manipulate me as he pleases but this has to stop. Anyone could share some advice please?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I got lots of 'token gestures' and empty promises too. Some promises were fulfilled, and I would begin to trust. Then the other promises were not fulfilled, and I would say'why don't I have a spine?'
I am afraid of giving you 'nice' co-dependent-type 'advice', so I will refrain from doing so. But I think the gut-listening is the non-co-dependent in me speaking to you.
Take care of yourself. He is not fulfilling promises, protect yourself by expecting him to continue not fulfilling promises, or being wishy-washy. By doing that, you are stepping back a little, the knife still hurts, but it can't go in as deeply when you start to emotionally step back.
And this spoken from a person who asks herself the same question as you almost daily: Where the hell is my spine??? Me, the tough, no-nonsense, reputation for strength and courage me?
Hope You can take something helpful from this. Good luck.
It takes time to get yourself together. You've just had a bomb tossed into the middle of your life, and everything hurts. So do what you can when you can, and don't worry about how long it takes you. Keep talking to your supportive friends. Post and read here. Take tender care of yourself. And when you are strong enough to take the next steps, you will.
He's out of the house. That's huge!
That he has not provided what you need is not due to any failure on YOUR part. It's not because you don't have a spine.
It's because he doesn't experience the same pain, associated with his behavior, as you do.
You can't change him. He's the one who needs to grow ...well, I wouldn't say a spine so much as a set.
So where does that leave you? Where you are---moving forward without him.
The only thing I'd do differently, in your shoes, is this: I'd stop expecting a thing from him. He'll deliver--or he won't. So don't ask.
His lack of action provides your answer, really, doesn't it?
No need to engage any more about it. That doesn't mean you have to file today, or tomorrow, or next week. You can take the time you need to catch your breath, get your thoughts straight, get ducks in a row--whatever you need to do.
But what you DO need to do is let go of the notion that you can drive this process any further than you have.
You've done what YOU can do to address the matter.
Now it's his turn. If he does HIS part well, then maybe you can work, together, to move forward as a couple. (At this point, I'd go dark on him, except for communication that is absolutely necessary.)
He may not do what needs to be done. He's not showing any real inclination to do so. If this persists, you can then decide what you must do to move forward with your life constructively.
But what you've done so far? Holy moly, woman! Give yourself some credit. You've got a spine of steel.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:45 AM, August 11th (Monday)]
You can't count on him for squat. Stop looking for him to fill a space, answer a question, provide a reason, reassure you things will change.
Stop and listen to his actions. It is hurtful and I am sorry. He is showing you who he is, believe him.
He's someone who doesn't care enough to reach out to you. He's a new father that can leave his child and not look back.
You are chasing him. Stop. You are feeding his obnoxious entitled ego when you do that. You are making him feel desired as he is.
You don't want him as he is. You want a good, honest, loyal man and father. Someone your child can look up to, someone worth your effort.
Until he starts showing you with consistent effort (over weeks and months, not hours and days) that he is that kind of respectable and worthy man, stop treating him as if he is. Actions, not words.
Stop acting as if he is the prize. He's not, he's that goat behind Monty Hall's curtain. He's a joke.
You and your baby are the prize. He should be reaching out to you two. He should be chasing you and working to get your attention in a positive way. He should be fawning over you asking how he can get back with this beautiful family.
Don't give him the time of day until he starts treating the two of you like the prize you are.
I know this hurts. I know the rejection is so painful. How can he just walk away like it meant nothing? Because he's not well. He's steeped deep in the denial pit. You can't nice him back.
What you are doing is like begging. He should be begging you. You don't need an asshole like him in your life. Someone who acts as if you aren't worthy of him. You deserve so much more.
Don't answer the phone when he calls. Don't respond to his email right away. Come here first.
Please be aware that you are so desperate for a sign that he's sorry, you are likely to soak up any amount of bullshit and sorta kinda effort he shows. Come back here and share with us. Let us help decipher his communications.
Think of it like an auction. Say you have a dresser for sale. You hope to get $200 for it. Knowing people try and talk you down you ask for $300 from the start. Your husband says I'll give you $50. You say no, but now you start to get worried. You wanted to sell this dresser today and the day is almost over. No one else has shown any interest.
You know he has an interest and you counter with $275 but he walks away. Right now you are following him around all clingy saying -would you do $250, maybe $225? He keeps walking. Now panic sits in and you feel you need to finish this deal. So you keep following him around now offering $175, how about $150?
You've let panic convince you that should settle for less than you need. You are still following him around, badgering him, even while he's eyeing up other dressers. At this point, he knows how desperate you are. He knows he can get you down to $100. He knows this because he's willing to walk away.
If you had originally countered that you couldn't go any lower than $225 and stuck to that, saying thanks anyway, and walking away. Then he would've started to consider how much he wanted that dresser. If he really wanted it, he might pay the $225 or he might ask for $200. If he didn't really want it, you weren't going to get what you needed in return anyway.
Be willing to walk away if he's not willing to give you what you need. Stop chasing after him.
You are doing much better than it feels like. We are all so proud of the strength and self respect you have shown. Now keep it up. You can do this. We can help.
You kicked him out! That's way more than I can do right now.
I'm not sure what your particular situation is, but our Ddays are probably around the same time as yours. So far I'm having trouble getting my H to respect my boundaries or even show any remorse other than the initial fake remorse he gave me to keep me around.
My therapist says to set boundaries and have them have specific consequences that you are comfortable with and ready to enact when he does not respect the boundary that you set for him. Still working on actually doing that.
She also said it's okay to work on or set one boundary at a time. (I'm having trouble with only one simple boundary of not sleeping in the same bed... and I guess not having sex either bc he definitely knows better than to ask or expect it at this point in time).
I know your frustration. I'm getting so upset with myself too. Why can't we just kick them out and be done with it... draw a hard line! But it's not always that easy.
Hugs to you.
Some WSs simply don't. Or won't. Some offer nothing, ever. And it's VERY hard. Very hard.
I suspect your WH is among this group. The cowards whose sense of self is so threatened by any challenge that they just--abdicate. They run away.
Still, you will heal. You will accept that the man you thought you'd married never existed. He never existed! (Alternatively, he might have changed on such a fundamental and negative level that the outcome is the same; it happens, but I'd bet on the former. You know, when things are just fine as long as you believe what he wants you to believe about him, ask no questions, offer up no real challenges.)
You will heal. He likely will not help.
Perversely (and it's hard to type this, because I've been in your shoes and know it feels as though there's nothing positive about the situation at all---and really, there isn't), you're damn lucky to be learning this, about him, now. Because the only thing worse than living a false life with a fraud is learning that you've been doing it for decades.
I'm so, so sorry for your pain. I know how it hurts to find out that you are married to a stranger---one that can't, really, come back after his transgressions because his personality flaws will not permit that. (If he's anything like Trac-Fone, he perceives the emotional battle in his own head, which he's dragged you into, without your knowledge or consent--to be a life-or-death battle in which any concession is akin to committing hara kiri. And Lord knows, he's too magnificent for the world to keep revolving on its axis without him, so he can't succumb. It's odd, the combination of grandiosity and self-loathing--and it absolutely precludes R.)
Millions of hugs to you.
(I found the book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson, to be very helpful. The other book that really opened my eyes kind of surprised me. It was He's Just Not That Into You--which seemed like an odd choice for someone in a long-term marriage to read, but helped me see how very little I was valued. Hurts---but helped.)
I have a bad feeling about
Don't worry!!!!! It's perfectly ok to tell the whole world what he was/is up to! Affairs are like mushrooms and mold,, they flourish in the dark, but wither up and die in the light... Sure your WS might get mad, he might lie to his friends (as my xwh did), but it's ok,,, you are about to see who he really is!!!! Does he admit to his friend that you are right, or does he try to throw you, the mother of his child, under the bus and tell his friend you are crazy?
Just sit back, no contact, and watch and see who you really married..
btw, a great, fast, book about how to get your confidence back is a book called "Love Must Be Tough". It's about tough love when you are married to someone addicted to affairs. Do not tell your H you are reading the book. I was a strong woman by chapter 2!!! you can probably download the book or get it on CD. It changed me really fast (gave me my spine back) and my WS even wanted to come back! He told my friends he saw a change in me. I told him the ONLY way he could come back was 6 months solid in counseling before he came back home, that I wanted a real marriage. I found out who he was when he couldn't do that simple thing for his 2 sons and for me......
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day