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cissie posted 8/10/2014 22:59 PM

As time goes by and nothing changes, I am afraid that I am losing both love and respect for my BH.

Last week, I went to a staff meeting, and forgot to take my cell phone with me. When I got back to my desk the girl in the next office said that someone really wanted to get in touch with me as Skype rang, then my cell and then my desk phone. I freaked and felt physically sick because I thought it was my BH. When I checked, it wasn't and I felt so relieved. I was shocked at my reaction.
I have been working as his assistant, but he has no time for me. I have not worked in a corporate environment before, but I assume that if you are an assistant you would have at least a weekly meeting to plan what was required that week. We don't, so I do what I think he wants done and then that is wrong. I feel as if I am in a constant game of gotcha.
He needs to have me on call all the time, but not because he is afraid I am with someone else, in fact he has said he would be quite happy if I would find someone else.

First thing this morning he asked me what I was going to do with the rest of my life? Why haven't I lost weight yet? When am I going to shape up and start doing some exercise?

He has told me to expect nothing more than we have now. I was living with false hope for a long time. I had no idea when we started this over 8 years ago that there was no hope of reconciliation. I know in the BS side, that almost everyone seems to be gung-ho on sticking it to the waywards and they deserve all they get. I abased myself, I made vows, I did all I knew to try to make it up. I certainly didn’t do everything right, but I learned a lot and did a lot of work. I feel foolish now that I thought it would make any difference. The decision was made before the trial.

After the phone call episode, I began to think that I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. We have had several friends and business associates die over the last six months and I don’t want this to be all I have to look forward to.

burntashes posted 8/11/2014 02:33 AM


I am on the same path at 4 years out. I know the pain that can drain the joy from life knowing your spouse will never love you again. Being a WS in endless limbo is a special kind of hell. We don't want to be in a loveless marriage, but we are responsible for breaking that love in the first place. The guilt makes me feel I should endure whatever is left of the "marriage" because I created this mess, but the fear of never feeling loved or treasured again makes me want to never wake up again sometimes.

It's clear things won't change no matter how much you try, because you can't change your husband, only he can. It sounds like your husband is not even respectful or cordial with you. Asking why you haven't lost weight? Why is that any of his business if he isn't going to love you? I'd tell him he can file for divorce if he doesn't like the way you look. You have nothing to lose but a hostile roommate.

If you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this, the only option is D. We can only choose what we do - stay, or go. It's hard to make a decision because of the tangled web of emotions involved. I understand the fear to let go, to accept the love you once had is really dead. How I do know that feeling. But sometimes the only option to find some peace may be to move on, for both you and your husband. Maybe it would help to make a list, pros and cons of each option, then see where your heart leans.

Hugs to you. You are not alone.

cissie posted 8/11/2014 06:07 AM

BA thank you for your understanding. I feel the same, I created the mess, and I should live with it.

I walk on eggshells all the time. He doesn't feel he is being mean to me, he just thinks that I should do as he says and get myself into shape. But I am a stress eater, and it seems as soon as I get on an upward course, he will criticise the way I am doing things and I will be in downward spiral again.
I have to learn to detach in some way, so that I can continue to make progress, and perhaps devise a plan for my own life. I know that no-one else can do that for me, but sometimes holding all this in my head gets too much and this is the only place I can come to to air my thoughts.

hihn posted 8/11/2014 15:15 PM

Cassie, the first thing I thought when I read your post was "8 years you have endured this, OUCH,OUCH,OUCH!" I am BS & I can't fathom any rationale behind "expect nothing more than what you already have". The wonderful gift we as human beings get from our relationships in life, be it a relationship with friends, family, lovers, neighbors or co-workers, is inner growth. Expecting nothing more from any relationship (ie, inner growth together) is a relationship stagnating mind set. OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!

familyfirst posted 8/11/2014 16:42 PM

I began to think that I cannot spend the rest of my life like this

Good for you. Walking away from an abuser is extremely difficult. Please enlist someone who can support you. Someone who you can tell the truth to.

One of my favorite quotes is “We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.”

Wayflost posted 8/11/2014 17:21 PM


What a great quote!


I've been told by my psychologist that true growth towards a healthier Wayf will be shown when I finally stand on my own two feet and draw clear boundaries for how I allow other people to treat me. This includes my BH.

The healing I want for my BH is for him to be able to live happily. With me, or without me. I want him to be able to make that choice without fear, anger, or sadness coloring his decision. Just as I want the same for myself.

I see the journey towards health that I am on as my path towards making choices about my happiness that truly come from inside my heart and mind. My WW self chose happiness in the exterior. I sought other people as the source of joy. When that joy faded, as it always did, I was left standing there with only myself to blame. I couldn't stand the me I was left with, so I would gleefully accept the next offer of joy.

I don't need to be that person any more. I need to be someone who loves herself. Part of that is recognizing when someone cannot treat me with respect. As another member recently pointed out to me: I have done monstrous things, but I am not a monster. You stress eating doesn't give another person the right to tell you to lose weight. If he comes to you with concern for your health, that is one thing. Criticizing for the sake of criticism is not ok.

You do not deserve to be punished for the rest of your life just because you have made some bad decisions. Just my two cents.

WastedTime12 posted 8/11/2014 20:07 PM


There comes a time when you need to have a heart to heart with yourself. Sounds like you have punished yourself long enough. Your husband has informed you and shown you that he will not change. Your choice now is do you change or keep it the same. WS and BS alike have to want to Reconcile to make it work.

It sounds like you have done the work, now you need to make the decision.

Wishing you clarity and peace.

ThatGirl2 posted 8/12/2014 16:11 PM

This post made me cry. We are 5 years out, and it seems my BS is stuck. I don't know how to help him. I've asked for MC, but he won't participate. I go to IC. He has become so angry, and he drinks too much. There is no intimacy; we barely touch any more. It's a very lonely existence, but I promised I would do whatever I needed to do, for as long as it takes. I don't see an end, yet I can't go back on my word because I want him to know my word means something.

cissie posted 8/15/2014 22:55 PM

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am sorry I have not responded, but I have not had much uninterrupted time to post.

I suppose we all think we are unique, but I can see that there are others who share my dilemma.

I am probably one of, if not the oldest, poster on this site. Shoestring (who does not seem to have posted for a while) is in my bracket. In my saner moments I find it totally ridiculous that at our ages, with probably not too much life left, we cannot come to a more acceptable agreement .

I have to accept that he will not change his opinion of me. For a long time he dangled the carrot that if I changed enough things would be better. However, it appears that his opinion of me is so fixed that if I became Mother Theresa, he would not notice the difference.

I am going to call a counselor next week and get some IC. My mind is warped from living in this situation to the point I am surprised if anyone wants to speak to me, let alone show me any respect.

The worst part of it is that of course it is my fault. i delayed telling him for so many years and I don't think I could have been more wrong in the way I handled things. I am a textbook case for how not to help your BS to heal.

TG2, I understand the guilt that you feel. It just seems like another betrayal to leave, but if you feel that you are doing no good, how does that help? It is a horrible position we have created.
Wayflost, thank you for your summary. This is the path I need to take. I am almost afraid of being healthy because I feel I don't deserve it. I am beginning to set boundaries on what I will accept in the way of treatment. I find it hard to stand up for myself, but I am getting a little more assertive in what I will accept.

Although our children have some inkling that things are not quite right with us, they are all independent and so it is not that obvious. We have separate bedrooms and we live apart some of the time, but they probably put that down to cantankerous old age Unfortunately, because of my BH's personality, I think they think any awkwardness is his fault, which adds to my guilt.

painfulpast posted 8/16/2014 09:31 AM

Hi cissie,

This caught my eye:

I know in the BS side, that almost everyone seems to be gung-ho on sticking it to the waywards and they deserve all they get

This isn't exactly true. Sure, in the beginning, maybe for a year or so, there can be a very deep "screw them!" mentality. After 8 years? No way. After 8 years, if someone is still holding onto that mentality, imo, it's because they like that mentality and want to stay there. I'm 3.5 years out from DDay. I have my moments of hurt still, but wanting to stick it to my H? OMG no. Not for the A. For him bitching about the dishes? Maybe. For him waking up complaining about being out of eggs? Sure. But in general, just for being him? No.

I feel very sad for you. It sounds like your H has used your A as a reason to belittle you at will, and it sounds like he enjoys that 'position' very much. It's not fair to you. It's just not. I don't know your background, but I know that 8 years is too long to live in a marriage where one person is just cold and cruel, and there is no hope of change.

None of us can change the past, but each of us can change our futures. If you choose to change yours, at least you can know that you did your best to make things work. The thing about R is that both sides have to want it.

You mention detaching. May I suggest reading up on the 180? It's designed for just that - detaching. It's challenging at first because it requires changing some very basic habits, but it works.

I'm sending you strength. You truly can do anything you want to do, if it's really what you want.

Oh, and his comment about about being happy if you found someone else? What an ass.

trip3 posted 8/16/2014 18:14 PM

Eight years? Please tell me you wrote that incorrectly or my reading comprehension has suddenly turned to crap, because I cannot believe you've been putting up with this for EIGHT years.

It is just cruel for your Husband to string you along for that long in the hopes of a recovery. It is plain cruel for one person to talk to another the way your H has been talking to you. At this point, he is no longer being snippy with you for the affair, he is just being cruel and mean because he knows you'll take it, and you shouldn't be with a mean and cruel man.

I think you can walk away with your head held high. You gave it your best, you gave it your all, and he didn't want it. And it's pretty obvious he wants you to walk away. He's the one hoping that you've met someone else! My suggestion would be that you meet with a divorce attorney and see what your options are. It's obvious that you've tried, and there is zero reason to continue living your life like this.

jb3199 posted 8/17/2014 06:22 AM


You have been here a long time, so I hope that you truly believe what is preached here---Surviving Infidelity.

Only you can answer the question if you have become a safe, caring partner for someone in the future. Hopefully, you have already reached that point, so you can believe it yourself.

You don't deserve a death sentence. And even if you have made your BS who he is now, you have to accept that and move forward. If he chooses to stay exactly where he is, that is his choice. If you choose to stay where you are, that is your choice. You see? You both have choices. The only problem that I can see from an anonymous viewpoint, is that guilt is keeping you where you are.

Has your BH always been this way, or did he never recover from the infidelity? Not that this changes how you move forward this many years later, but I am curious if he has always been this type of personality---and because of your guilt, you see him differently? Or do you believe that he is an entirely different person?

ReconcilingWife posted 8/17/2014 20:51 PM

In the hazy days following D-day, I remember reading somewhere--quite possibly on this site--that successful R typically takes between 2 and 5 years, and that if there hasn't been progress in the first 6 months after D-day, there isn't likely to be progress. I really clung on to those numbers as a kind of road map. (So, for instance, making the decision not to leave WH right away, but to see where we were in 6 months.)

Applying that to your situation--if things are not resolved 8 years out, they are not going to be resolved. It sucks to be a BS, and to have to put a lot of work into a fixing a problem you didn't make or choose, but while I think it takes MORE work for the WS, it does take work from the BS too, and it doesn't sound like your BH has done or wants to do his share.

MissesJai posted 8/18/2014 10:55 AM


Hon, when nothing changes, nothing changes. Please get into IC - you need the strength to walk away from this shell of a marriage. No, he's not being mean to you - this is who he is, at least with you. I really hope this is a turning point for you. A or no A, you deserve better.

GetEvenInAZ posted 8/18/2014 21:30 PM

Hope you don't mind a BS intruding...

8 Years! You've put up with the abuse for 8 years!?! And probably much longer than that, as abusive tendancies and behavior don't just pop up overnight!

There is so much focus-as it should be- on the WS and owning and fixing their "crap", that it's easy to forget the BS needs to do their work too. Different work, but work none the less.

A BS who is unable or unwilling to work with their WS, who can't/won't forgive, who can't/won't take a chance with a remorseful WS is not a safe partner for anyone!

The A was a mistake or bad judgement oor whatever. It was a decsion. What matters is now is what you do now to amend for the poor decisions.

This whole A thing just sucks all-around. But you shouldn't be abused 8 YEARS LATER by what sounds like a petty, abusive, vindictive BS when you are obviously remorseful and trying to repair your relationship.

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