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Bobbi_sue posted 8/11/2014 01:18 AM

Here I am again. Not really for me, but for my son as I watch him go through this. I am more distraught than I have been since 2006.

I have loved his wife like another of my own daughters for the past 6 years. I have done for her what a mother does for a DD. I helped her pick out her wedding dress and bridesmaid gowns. I helped them plan their wedding in the way mothers often do for daughters (even though I was the mother of the groom).

I went with her to college orientation last year. I took her and her children to appointments. I took her shopping. I treated her to lunches. I bought her college books. I hired someone to teach her to drive since I didn't have the patience for it, and I knew nobody else was going to do it, even my son really did not have the necessary patience. I could go on and on.

I'm not looking for a "you should be grateful for all I have done" here and I never was. I was grateful that I could do those things. I REALLY LOVED HER! My heart broke when I learned just how awful her childhood was but I still don't give any adult in this world a pass for extreme behavior because they "had a bad childhood."

Of course her own mother is a psycho POS who had her children removed from the home many times. She even tried to stab my DIL once. Why oh why do they keep giving kids back to someone like that? And I happen to know one of the foster mothers. OMG. An awful woman! But DIL had seven years to grow and learn and get away from the entire lifestyle she once knew. In fact, I have believed she set out to actually get my son, seeing him as a decent young man who could be her ticket away from all that.

It seemed to my DS and I that it was successful. She had goals. She was a good mom to their two children. Last year she completed a full year of college and made straight As and the Dean's list, on her way to becoming a nurse. I could not have been more proud if she was my own DD. I bragged about her and posted the Dean's List announcement on Facebook.

Well, she has taken steps backward that would probably even shock her crazy mother! I'm in shock and there are no words to describe my DS's state of mind. Her recent behavior includes drinking, smoking, and yes cheating. DS has lost 20 pounds in the last few weeks. I told her once even if she divorced my son, I would not turn on her or call her a slut (as her mother had done). Umm, that was before she deceived me, asking me to watch the kids while she drove their car over three hundred miles to see a man she had just met at "Mayhem" something my son did not want her to go to but she said "You never let me have any fun." Her shit bag 20-something friends who are mostly unwed mothers with multiple baby-daddys and no jobs are "advising" her to do whatever makes her happy. She doesn't look happy. She looks like shit. And she is a beautiful beautiful beautiful girl (woman). She is 24 with two beautiful children. I mean she is not some overly made-up blonde bimbo but a really nice looking woman, and the 3 beautifuls just describe the way I FEEL or felt about her much more than the way she actually looks. Now she has degraded herself to the lowest level! This story is so bad.

Anybody out there use Mirana birthcontrol? Something must have happened with the boyfriend and she got an infection and had to have the IUD removed. There was just something fishy about that whole thing. She has gone over a month with no BC but also claimed no worries cuz not having sex with DS. Turns out she has had sex with at least two guys during this time period with no BC. I think the first guy even somehow caused the infection. Is that possible? I know nothing about IUDS of any kind and never had one. So I took her to get on BC two days ago, not knowing all that I know now, of course. Wasn't that nice of me? I have really been used. I mean she needs to be on BC for sure, but it sure is not anything to do with my son as it looks certain there won't be a reconciliation. She is going to see a Divorce lawyer tomorrow. Meanwhile my DS made an marriage counseling appointment for Friday this week. She told me she would go. Anybody want to take bets on that? I cannot imagine she will actually go.

Why would you want to burn your bridges with such extreme self-destruction? DS has told me that she is obsessed with watching "Teen Moms" on TV. Anybody familiar with that? I can't even force myself to look up information about that show on the Internet. Such garbage.

There's little hope for her, is there? How could I ever have the same respect and love I had? My son is so confused he at times thinks he could forgive anything if she would come back to him. But um, no it would never be the same for him again with her. It never would or could be. She really killed it. My heart breaks for HER for doing this to herself! She had so DAMN MUCH potential! And on a whim she made decisions to end her marriage to my son (helped by her slime ball so-called friends) she decided she doesn't want to be married and her lifestyle "won't hurt the children" and they won't even know the difference. There is so much I can't tell here but I am fully aware there were times when I was not thrilled with some of her mothering practices and I stepped in to help and make sure everyone was okay as often as I could, while still being helpful and supportive but not overstepping my bounds. I guess you could say I offered help and she took me up on it.

My son took everything for granted and trusted her blindly while he was not doing his job as a father and husband. Not how you treat a girl like her with her background but he learned that lesson a little too late. Maybe she would have done this anyway, who knows? But the fact is he was an over-the-road trucker and he absolutely took his family for granted and worried about everything except what he should have been most worried about. But that is the back story. Just like her horrible mother, my son taking her for granted is not even close to an excuse for her current behavior. I already know even if by some miracle, they R from this, it won't ever be the same again. He says she is not sorry, only says "sorry it hurts you" or sorry you are hurting. And most of the time she would not even say that. No admission of wrong doing whatsoever. My DS does not know my current H cheated. Gosh I hope I never tell him that. I sure don't want him to know.

But he knows his father did. And he asked me some questions about it today. Did he ever say he was sorry? Did he blame me for it? You know that is something I can say here. Neither of my H's blamed me for it. My XH did say he was sorry a few times but then he would keep repeating the behavior. But at least I could tell DS, yes he did seem to express some remorse, if not real remorse and least guilt and regret. My current H, (whom I did not disclose any of this to my children ever), was extremely remorseful and of course that was the main reason we were able to R.

What about my grandbabies? Not asking for advice. Not asking for anything. There's not much anybody can do anyway. Just wanted to somebody to "talk to" I guess.

Want To Wake Up posted 8/11/2014 01:34 AM

(((Bobbi_sue))) you have been heard Hun♥

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 02:00 AM

Sad day for sure.

While I pray neither of our daughters experience the pain my wife and I are in, I do hope that by the time they get old enough to marry I will have grown and matured to the point of being a real pillar they can reach for in their time of need....and be able to comfort them as they reach for me.

Her shit bag 20-something friends who are mostly unwed mothers with multiple baby-daddys and no jobs are "advising" her to do whatever makes her happy. She doesn't look happy. She looks like shit.

This, and the shows she watches and other parts of society program many to this line of thinking. FB, pintrist, etc.. are all designed so that you can create this fantasy with perfect wall paper of just how glorious you are and how well you are doing. We in America are hell bent on instant gratification and pain avoidance.

We reach for many medications to do this...adultery is a big one, a large escape from reality.

I appreciate your compassion as you understand where this woman came from. I understand more NOW of where my wife came from....a COA. It is from this that I have found compassion in sufficient quantities to offer R. But there is a time when that person needs to decide if they are satisified with what they are sowing to the extent so as to stop trying to sow something different. You also see this.

Many of us, including myself, took much for granted. It is wrong and I am working on that. That is very different than choosing adultery.

I have come to the conclusion we have pain administered to us from one of two ways. We are either wounded...which is accidental but very real painful hurts. Or we are wronged....which has lots of intentional tones to it and is real painful hurts too.

Kind of like being backed into at a standing room only rock concert or being tracked down in the parking lot of that same concert and getting kicked in the shins by a stranger. KWIM?

You ask how this girl could so intentionally choose destructively? My thought is that a wayward first stops loving themselves before they stop loving their spouse. It is from this hollow place that the self destructive decisions start.

That is my best guess....

There is ALWAYS hope. God can change the heart of a person. But that person must first ask for that change to take place. He loves us too much to dominate and control us.

I also shudder at the thought of my girls ever finding out about my wifes affair....at least not until their minds mature enough to handle it. Hell, my 42 year old mind fought me for a year before I started to handle this shit.

I have added your family to my SI specific prayer list and said a prayer for you all right now.

God is with us all.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/11/2014 12:15 PM

Thanks, Want to WakeUp and Blakesteele. My son is relying on faith in God to get him through this and so the prayers are especially appreciated.