Here I am again. Not really for me, but for my son as I watch him go through this. I am more distraught than I have been since 2006.
I have loved his wife like another of my own daughters for the past 6 years. I have done for her what a mother does for a DD. I helped her pick out her wedding dress and bridesmaid gowns. I helped them plan their wedding in the way mothers often do for daughters (even though I was the mother of the groom).
I went with her to college orientation last year. I took her and her children to appointments. I took her shopping. I treated her to lunches. I bought her college books. I hired someone to teach her to drive since I didn't have the patience for it, and I knew nobody else was going to do it, even my son really did not have the necessary patience. I could go on and on.
I'm not looking for a "you should be grateful for all I have done" here and I never was. I was grateful that I could do those things. I REALLY LOVED HER! My heart broke when I learned just how awful her childhood was but I still don't give any adult in this world a pass for extreme behavior because they "had a bad childhood."
Of course her own mother is a psycho POS who had her children removed from the home many times. She even tried to stab my DIL once. Why oh why do they keep giving kids back to someone like that? And I happen to know one of the foster mothers. OMG. An awful woman! But DIL had seven years to grow and learn and get away from the entire lifestyle she once knew. In fact, I have believed she set out to actually get my son, seeing him as a decent young man who could be her ticket away from all that.
It seemed to my DS and I that it was successful. She had goals. She was a good mom to their two children. Last year she completed a full year of college and made straight As and the Dean's list, on her way to becoming a nurse. I could not have been more proud if she was my own DD. I bragged about her and posted the Dean's List announcement on Facebook.
Well, she has taken steps backward that would probably even shock her crazy mother! I'm in shock and there are no words to describe my DS's state of mind. Her recent behavior includes drinking, smoking, and yes cheating. DS has lost 20 pounds in the last few weeks. I told her once even if she divorced my son, I would not turn on her or call her a slut (as her mother had done). Umm, that was before she deceived me, asking me to watch the kids while she drove their car over three hundred miles to see a man she had just met at "Mayhem" something my son did not want her to go to but she said "You never let me have any fun." Her shit bag 20-something friends who are mostly unwed mothers with multiple baby-daddys and no jobs are "advising" her to do whatever makes her happy. She doesn't look happy. She looks like shit. And she is a beautiful beautiful beautiful girl (woman). She is 24 with two beautiful children. I mean she is not some overly made-up blonde bimbo but a really nice looking woman, and the 3 beautifuls just describe the way I FEEL or felt about her much more than the way she actually looks. Now she has degraded herself to the lowest level! This story is so bad.
Anybody out there use Mirana birthcontrol? Something must have happened with the boyfriend and she got an infection and had to have the IUD removed. There was just something fishy about that whole thing. She has gone over a month with no BC but also claimed no worries cuz not having sex with DS. Turns out she has had sex with at least two guys during this time period with no BC. I think the first guy even somehow caused the infection. Is that possible? I know nothing about IUDS of any kind and never had one. So I took her to get on BC two days ago, not knowing all that I know now, of course. Wasn't that nice of me? I have really been used. I mean she needs to be on BC for sure, but it sure is not anything to do with my son as it looks certain there won't be a reconciliation. She is going to see a Divorce lawyer tomorrow. Meanwhile my DS made an marriage counseling appointment for Friday this week. She told me she would go. Anybody want to take bets on that? I cannot imagine she will actually go.
Why would you want to burn your bridges with such extreme self-destruction? DS has told me that she is obsessed with watching "Teen Moms" on TV. Anybody familiar with that? I can't even force myself to look up information about that show on the Internet. Such garbage.
There's little hope for her, is there? How could I ever have the same respect and love I had? My son is so confused he at times thinks he could forgive anything if she would come back to him. But um, no it would never be the same for him again with her. It never would or could be. She really killed it. My heart breaks for HER for doing this to herself! She had so DAMN MUCH potential! And on a whim she made decisions to end her marriage to my son (helped by her slime ball so-called friends) she decided she doesn't want to be married and her lifestyle "won't hurt the children" and they won't even know the difference. There is so much I can't tell here but I am fully aware there were times when I was not thrilled with some of her mothering practices and I stepped in to help and make sure everyone was okay as often as I could, while still being helpful and supportive but not overstepping my bounds. I guess you could say I offered help and she took me up on it.
My son took everything for granted and trusted her blindly while he was not doing his job as a father and husband. Not how you treat a girl like her with her background but he learned that lesson a little too late. Maybe she would have done this anyway, who knows? But the fact is he was an over-the-road trucker and he absolutely took his family for granted and worried about everything except what he should have been most worried about. But that is the back story. Just like her horrible mother, my son taking her for granted is not even close to an excuse for her current behavior. I already know even if by some miracle, they R from this, it won't ever be the same again. He says she is not sorry, only says "sorry it hurts you" or sorry you are hurting. And most of the time she would not even say that. No admission of wrong doing whatsoever. My DS does not know my current H cheated. Gosh I hope I never tell him that. I sure don't want him to know.
But he knows his father did. And he asked me some questions about it today. Did he ever say he was sorry? Did he blame me for it? You know that is something I can say here. Neither of my H's blamed me for it. My XH did say he was sorry a few times but then he would keep repeating the behavior. But at least I could tell DS, yes he did seem to express some remorse, if not real remorse and least guilt and regret. My current H, (whom I did not disclose any of this to my children ever), was extremely remorseful and of course that was the main reason we were able to R.
What about my grandbabies? Not asking for advice. Not asking for anything. There's not much anybody can do anyway. Just wanted to somebody to "talk to" I guess.