SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sixyearslost posted 8/11/2014 01:50 AM

Right now I am too sad to write the whole story.
I found out by accident that my husband has been having an affair for one and a half years.
I was broken hearted. We had been going to counselling, successfully I thought. Turns out he had been lying.
I had a half hour chat with his girlfriend, no longer together once I caught them, I confronted my husband and he finally fessed up about two other affairs dating back 6 yrs.

To be honest I am still numb but I think the worst part this time around is the fact that he swore blind he would do ANYTHING he had to to make us work, as long as that meant he did not have to tell the truth.

I explained about my safe zone. That would be when we are sitting down talking to the counsellor. Bring up information that he had not disclosed.
I warned him yesterday that if I find more that he has lied about then he is out the door without explanation.

Later he told me he had some more information that he had to tell me and that when he does I will kick him out.

To be honest it was bad but not as bad as I thought. I asked right away if there was a baby! Nope.More affairs? Nope.
Right now I can't go into it because this is just very new information.
After finding out 7 weeks ago today about the long affair and all the help, I actually knew we would make it. But struggled with the length of time it went on for.

Now to find out that the first one was 6yrs ago.

I am so broken hearted.
Is anyone on here in a marriage that has survived many affairs and trusts their partner again?

bigskyblues posted 8/11/2014 02:54 AM

Six, I can't help you with your question as my marriage didn't survive. I do know your pain though, for me I think the lies were even more damaging that the affair. It was hard to come to grips with realizing someone could be so heartless to lie like that, but that is probably what made me truly realize just how broken the xww was. They are broken, you can't fix him, he may be able to fix himself. The SI adage of actions not words is so true. The waywards will tell you anything they think you want to hear, words lie, actions don't.

I wish you peace and strength for this difficult journey!

BSB

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 04:47 AM

My wife lied in counseling too. Its some sort of draw, adultery. The entire rest of my wifes world simply did not matter, was a non-issue for her. Her pain of real life must have been immense.....

I'm only 2 years into this....our M is NOT R yet. I will tell you that my wife had an EA with another man while we were engaged, and has had several other temptations to cheat as well as some questions as if she married the wrong man over the course of our 17 years together. I knew about the OM but niavely blew it off at the time...didn't see it as the flag waving that it was. The other "issues" my wife had within our M remained largely kept a secret by her from me. A mode of operation that lays the ground work for adultery.

Please get into IC. You may, like me, have at least PTSD-like symptoms if not full blown PTSD. Stress of this level is simply too strong to handle in healthy ways on your own.

Reach out to real life marriage friendly people.
Take a chance....I have found people to be fairly compassionate even if they, thankfully, lack actual experience with adultery.

Post often....both of your own story and support others as they do the same.

Telling your story helps others write theirs.....we all get writers-block, this site is valuable to help keep you "unstuck".

I will say a specific prayer for you both now.

God is with us all.

Needadrink posted 8/11/2014 04:58 AM

Hi sixyearslost I'm afraid my name could be twentyyearslost, in answer to your question we are still together and growing stronger day by day, I have my days but I do feel hopeful. What you need is full transparency and a commitment from your H like no other. It is very hard and you are going to have a tough battle ahead but if the love is there you will conquer this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

kaylee711 posted 8/11/2014 05:02 AM

If counseling is your "safe zone" and WS wants to earn your trust, they need to respect your decision to have a moderator who hears about/helps work on these scenarios for a living.

You shouldn't feel like you need to resolve this on your own with WS. WS needs to respect the pain you are going through along with trying to process what has happened and should not just put you in a position for questioning the help of a counselor...

kaylee711 posted 8/11/2014 05:05 AM

Take a look at this forum link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

(Talks about what you're experiencing and what WS needs to do to earn trust back, if you are going for R).

cosmicjoke posted 8/11/2014 06:31 AM

6YL, count me in with needadrink.. I also should be known as twentyyearslost. Yes it is possible to go on with the same person if you truly love each other and if they truly consider themselves a different person now, doing the things they are supposed to be doing in a healthy rela. Once they really understand the pain they've caused.. when they really feel the pain they've cause as their OWN pain.. and the desire to avoid causing/feeling that kind of pain is no longer worth the sick thrill of betraying their loved one and being deceitful.
However, that sounds good in theory.. but the TT & false R (especially repeated false Rs..) is the ultimate mindfuck.. because learning to trust again every time you've had a knife in the back gets harder and harder, and it always feels like Groundhog Day.. you're having to endure new DDays over and over.. the worst kind of endless torture that really wears you down. Because the human mind can really only take so much.

Some people may regain some measure of trust enough to function and it's not so much trusting your partner as learning how to REALLY trust/ be more in tune with your gut.. and learning how to really keep an eye on things. Instead of, giving someone the benefit of the doubt. This is the new reality once the innocence is gone. Yes you can learn to trust your partner on a daily, superficial basis but that is more because you're watching everything to the best of your ability, tuned in to cues, body language; you're now asking questions making them constantly aware that they no longer have much privacy, secrecy, etc.. and they need to share everything with you. And when things have improved, you are more tuned into each other.
But that doesn't mean your overall TRUST in humans, including them- will ever really come back. If enough bad things happen to you, sometimes that ability is just gone. And that's just something you have to accept & live with. That's part of their consequences-- they need to fully understand- and never forget- that they ruined that for you.
In theory, you should never give trust away freely- because people (in general) don't deserve it, and can't be trusted. You have to make people work hard to earn it. But sadly- sometimes they will use that earned trust to stab you anyway.... so, my solution now is, I choose to not trust at all.

So yes maybe a little.. but overall, not really.
That probably doesn't make sense. But that's the reality of life after SI.....

krsplat posted 8/11/2014 07:13 AM

I am the victim/survivor of a 7 yr LTA with mutiple ONS thrown in for spice. I can't tell you yet if my M will survive or if I will choose to D. I'm still really new to this pain, so I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but here are some things that I HAVE figured out:

Cheaters lie. Don't believe anything your WH says unless you can verify it yourself.

Don't expect that anything you ask or say will make any difference. The only thing cheaters are committed to, at least at first, is self-protection.

Set some very firm boundaries for yourself. If your WH does x, y or z (like telling ANY more lies), then he moves out. Or whatever you need. AND THEN YOU ENFORCE THOSE BOUNDARIES. The only thing that makes cheaters change are real life consequences.

And then look for genuine remorse in your WH. Is he humble and groveling, or still trying to minimize, whitewash and blameshift? Is he taking 100% of the blame for the affair? Does he answer all of your questions? Is he patient, or telling you to "get over it"? Does he really understand what his A has done to you? Can he stand in your shoes?

Until you get real remorse from him (not just lip service!), there is no way to save your M. He's got to be willing to do most of the work now.

And if you want some more perspective on LTAs, there is a whole thread in the "I Can Relate" forum, pages of good advice from people who have been through looooooong As. Come join us!