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SoSorry17 posted 8/11/2014 02:49 AM

As most of you know we just had a family vacation. The kids has some fun early on but the week was horrible.

BH shows up very early Wednesday morning. The kids are happy, I'm happy. That lasted until about dinner time.

Seems exAP just can't leave us alone. BH gets texts from him all day. BH blocks him and he starts emailing him. BH can not change his department email address. ExAP says some pretty awful things. BH throws his new IPhone into the freaking ocean. Why can't he just leave us alone? I have tried so hard to stop him. BH treated him like a brother and always supported him, why can't he leave him alone?

Swat had pretty much ignored me since he got there. We only talked about the kids and what we were doing. (Dinner, entertainment, etc) I do not blame him, he is angry and hurt.

By Friday dd had completely derailed the vacation and devastated BH. She was so bad, he actually had to yell at her. DD went nuts, she said she hated him. The man who cried and thanked me when she was born. The man who worked himself so hard to provide for us. The man who loves her unconditionally. I swear that killed him. He just stopped talking and walked away. I never wanted to hurt my kids, but I could have throttled her at that moment. I told her that he did nothing wrong. I was the one who hurt him and he had a right to be upset with me. She argued with me and said it was his fault. She said he has to forgive me, so we can be a family again. I tried explaining it to her, but she just does not understand. She is blaming him and he has done nothing wrong. She has just focused all of her anger on him. She refuses to acknowledge that it is my fault. Her behavior rubbed off on the boys and they were very troublesome as well.

BH just walked away and really didn't have much contact with anyone the rest of the week.

I know this is my fault. I'm not blaming anyone else. I just don't know how to help him now. He has completely shut down since she said that.

BH never even came into the house when we got home. He went right to the garage and has been there since late afternoon. He didn't eat dinner with us and wouldn't open the door for anyone.

I'm afraid this is the end. I know it isn't my decision to make and I just want him happy again. I'm going to my attorney in the morning. I'm going to make sure he is taken care of. I don't think he can forgive me and I can't stand to see him and my family torn apart this way. I love him and I always will. I'll never find another man like him, but I can't keep seeing him hurt. That is all I seem to do to him.

I'm still going to go to IC. I still need lots of work on me. I just don't know what to do for BH.

burntashes posted 8/11/2014 03:29 AM

((SoSorry)) breath. You can fix you. You can't fix SWAT. He has to figure out his problems on his own. Give him the space he needs. Just check on him to make sure he is physically okay, but then let him be.

Kids don't always know better because they are kids. Your DD just wants her family stability to not change. SWAT has to come to the realization on his own that DD doesn't know better because she is very young. Kids words can cut deep, but we as parents have to be the adults and love them regardless, and be patient in explaining to help them understand. It will take time as they grow.

The best you can do now is to stay calm and rational. Your kids need to look to you for security. SWAT understandably has a lot to deal with on his own. Your family needs you to hold calm. You can explain to the kids that sometimes we need time alone to think, that SWAT loves them and will be out when he's ready. Be there for them so they don't panic. You can't control what SWAT decides, but you can do the best you can for your family. You've been the voice of reason in chaos before, and I believe you can again.

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 03:36 AM

May God be within you all.

I don't venture into Wayward forums much...but am finding the courage to do so more now.

We just came back from a 3 week humanitarian effort in a third world country. We enjoyed it and did it as a family. Shortly after we got back to the states, the pain of my wifes affair reentered our world. It is there in sufficient quantities to keep our M and family at risk....and we don't have a fAP who is harrassing me. Actually, I harrassed him and the sheriff in no uncertain terms wave me off of that war path. AP is into another woman within 2 months of dumping my wife...he is a non-player at this point.

I can not imagine the special type of hell you ALL are in right now.

Has your husband reported this harrassment to the police or sheriff? It was point-blank-clear to me that one more text to him would result in a 3 day jail stay and a hefty fine followed most likely by a court date....pending AP formally filiing against me. Adultery is legal in MO, but texting the OM is a felony harrassment charge!

I digress......

IMO, the best thing to do is let your husband do his garage thing as often as he needs to. When he comes to you, find real authentic compassion for him. Most likely he will be angry....try to keep in mind anger is a secondary emotion. He is using it to stop himself from feeling pain, using it to create a sense of control and stability. Yes, its false in both categories...but it is a logical step for someone dealing with the deep betrayal that adultery is. (thank you $11k worth of therapy.)

There is a crap-ton of pain to process within your M and family. Our girls thus far are not aware of my wifes affair. We live in a small town and it has gotten around the gossip train a bit....but not main-stream news. Again, in our sitch its "nice" that OM is a non-player and is into another us a bit of a barrier against the renewed pain your M and family are in. But its always looming over us.

This is the trial of trials for a M and a family.

We have worked through debt troubles, a premature birth, a passing loved one living with us to her end.....all pale compared to the shit storm that surrounds us now.

But we are doing it. You are too.

I will add you and your family to my SI specific prayer list. Peace be with you.

God is with us all.

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 03:39 AM

Please check in with your kids regularly.

Both my wife and I come from homes where this was never done. Our emotional and spiritual growth suffered because of it. Destructive cycles were passed down as one of the results of this. I see my wifes Dad in her, I see my Mom in me....and some mix of the other parents too.

Its so very important to NOT believe the lie that "kids are resilient". its true they can grow and adapt...but too many folks see the term "resilient" and take that to mean "will be fine on their own".

We are living proof that, emotionally, we are NOT fine on our own. We are grateful to our older sibling, but we were kids raising kids during our formative years. We got by...but our FOO lesser traits were handed off to us.

More is caught then taught.


MegM posted 8/11/2014 05:03 AM

Dear SS17

I am sorry your holiday was stressful for you all.

I am just going to focus on what might be happening for your kids.

My therapist did a lot of work with me on my own parents infidelity and its effects on me. He explained that children experience parental infidelity as a traumatizing threat to there safety and security. They register is as basically 'life threatening'. Therefore when they are aware of affair issues representing or see the BS trigger, they can basically trigger back to their experience of trauma as well.

We have gone through this with our eldest. She takes ALL of her fury out on me the BS.

The rage being directed at the injured party is really about lots of things - some of that is because they also feel rejected by the WS and need to 'side with them' to ensure they remain bonded to them. Plus lots of stuff about power and security.

I know it is hard. My daughter ripped my heart out during a terrible session about 6wks ago. but for all purposes of their healing - you may be better off seeing the children as 'betrayed' in this scenario as well.

Particularly your eldest needs help to work through this and you and your H. are limited in your ability to do that. She needs professional support.

Even when children are not 'aware' of the infidelity they are aware of the pain and tension their parents are experiencing. this is happening to them and their family. they are NOT bystanders.

It now falls on you to be strong for them and to help them to heal as well as your BS.

best wishes


[This message edited by MegM at 5:04 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 05:23 AM

Solid response Meg. I recieved good reminders to me as I read through your thoughtful expression.

I suspect this is the rail my therapist will seek to get me back on in todays session...that my life is more than just about me and my pain.

Much damage to fix....not all of which is caused by the WS. I see very clearly NOW how the pain my wife invited into our M and family has opened up long repressed pain and fear from my you so eloquently portrayed in this post.

SoSorry17....a key thing you CAN do is to stop brining new pain into your M and family. I think you reason to believe otherwise....but if there is anything hidden or you deem your husband doesn't need to needs to be confessed and worked on.

Excuse my projecting....but for the last 2 years my wife lurked OM FB page. She chose to conceal and hide this from me. What this does is adds to the time and pain of this trial. Stumbles, even small ones, by WS along this line takes a BS way back down.....

I am now in an environment when I no longer wonder IF my wife is lying and hiding things from me....its a matter of how big a lie and what exactly is she hiding from me.

A dreadful place to be for sure....but one that I can process. Now....wheres is that dang old FF button?????/

Still working on patience.

You are doing a good thing indeed, SoSorry17 by posting on here. It will help you, like it does me and others on will helpe make sense of what started out as a senseless situation.


DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 07:19 AM


here is what I see. i see your BH looking forward to getting away from all of the pain caused by your A. I see that your XAP kept at him. So he resolved the issue by throwing his phone in the ocean. But then the DD starts in, and your BH cannot throw her into the ocean. So your BH cannot even go on a vacation from the HELL he is going through. the HELL you have thrust upon him.

you say by friday your DD derailed the vacation. Why? why did you let her? is she the parent? why didn't you protect your BH? this is something you did not do during your A, and are still not doing it. Time to put your boots on, and start doing the uncomfortable things. Instead of being assertive, you sat back let your BH get verbally abused by your DD, and then got angry with your DD afterwards. I had a similar situation this weekend. My oldest DS raised his voice with my BS. It made me angry and later I raised my voice at him. Afterwards, I apologized to both my BS and DS and explained what happened. Assertiveness is something that all of us Waywards need to learn.

you say you aren't blaming anyone else but:

ExAP says some pretty awful things.

By Friday dd had completely derailed the vacation and devastated BH.

Her behavior rubbed off on the boys and they were very troublesome as well.

those sound a little like blameshifting to me.

Now the whys
So you are afraid this is the end. why?
you are still full of drama. why?
you have not let go of the outcome. why?
you have not made it clear to you DC how this is your fault in terms that they understand. why?
I hear in your post, it still feels all about you. why?
SS17 you have come a long way since the first of your panicked posts. But I can still hear panic. why?
you don't know what to do for BH. why?
you still hurt him. why?

you need to dig SS17. dig deep. peel that onion. get down into the stink of the rot inside you. you are making progress, but you have to dig deeper.

remember you are broken. so how you would have handled things pre-A doe snot work now. because of the brokenness. You have to do more. You have to be more. If you do not. then yes your M will be over. Because no BS would ever want to continue on with the lying cheating deceiving WS that we were.

So what are you going to do? How are you going to do it? why are you going to do it? When are you going to do it? What are you going to let get into your way? What excuses and rationalizations are you going to accept to quit? Are you going to give 100%? Cut the crap in your mind. Have you given 100%? Take a real deep look into yourself.

familyfirst posted 8/11/2014 08:23 AM

I'm going to my attorney in the morning. I'm going to make sure he is taken care of.

What does that mean? Are you planning to shower him with money in hopes to make him happy? Have you asked him what he wants? I doubt he cares at all about money. He has a job. He has a pension. Start thinking like someone who is about to be on their own. Acting like a martyr will not make you any more attractive in his eyes.

bionicgal posted 8/11/2014 09:11 AM

I don't have a lot to add, other than to just try to stay open and keep talking when SWAT is ready. It really is a rollercoaster, and we have had unbelievable arguments since dday, that I always fear we won't recover from. However, we have and we do.

I imagine SWAT can block his email - and doesn't he have a restraining order against him? It is a lot of additional stress that many of us don't have to deal with. You weren't any more broken than any other wayward when you picked this guy -- his behavior is his to own. Although obviously you feel guilt for putting your family in this situation.

And perhaps some family counseling is in order, in addition to the MC that I hope you two are in?

Try to have faith. Hugs.

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 09:11 AM

Double post

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:29 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 09:14 AM

I was looking forward to your update, did not expect this.

Others have showered you with great advice. I am going to touch on something not yet touched upon ... the restraing order. I have always felt that SWAT should be on it. If he was then this current crap could be another nail in AP's coffin.

As it is, it still might work against him... either because it might be considered trying to hurt YOU through him


The charge of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress... if that can be a charge used in your state.

And perhaps he should speak to his supervisors first, then his union for FREE legal representation if you go that route... as he was your husband's supervisor when this started. If they say "NO" then I'd get a lawyer to go after the police dept. because it was their management(supervisor) who originally lied and used his position to woo you. This is not an attempt to minimize your involvement, but to make AP fully responsible for his role.

And get Swat on the restraining order so he's not in any grey area.

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:50 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

SoSorry17 posted 8/11/2014 09:22 AM

ExAP says some pretty awful things.

By Friday dd had completely derailed the vacation and devastated BH.

Her behavior rubbed off on the boys and they were very troublesome as well.

I'm not placing any blame on anyone but myself. I was just stating what had happened. ExAP is harassing him and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This is actually beyond harassment, it is calculated and vicious.

Our daughter has some issues. She has always had anger problems but she really is a sweet girl. Usually she has a short outburst and then apologizes. In the past she has never really lashed out at BH, he is usually the one calming her down. Believe me I had addressed what she was doing and how she was acting on the vacation. When she did this I was shocked.

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 09:41 AM

You might wish to ramp up the therapy. you and swat individually, then the kids... and now maybe family all together.

This is a big setback but does not have to be the end.

Get AP squared away legally so all focus can go to healing.

AP is one sick bastard who you need to fear... bring out the big guns to get him behind bars.

I'd also ask the police for regular drive bys as a precaution.

Your recovery from this mess is being hijacked by Mr. Insanity. Put some efforts into this.

Hugs to you and your family.

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:42 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/11/2014 09:48 AM

I don't think he can forgive me and I can't stand to see him and my family torn apart this way.

My interpretation of this is, "So I'm giving up and letting him go."

Did I get that right?

You cannot control xAP, and as much as we mothers like to think we have some control over our childrens' behaviors...we don't. You can only control yourself.

You can't handle seeing SWAT hurt, so you're gonna write him a big check and walk away?

Correct me if I'm getting this wrong, but that's what I'm hearing you say.

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 09:49 AM

One concern I have is Swat losing it with AP. God knows he deserves whatever he gets, but it is not worth swat getting into legal trouble and possibly losing the job the loves so much.

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 10:15 AM

You wrote your post at 3:49 am. He'd been in the garage since the afternoon. He's still there, right?

Does he have access to at least water? I'm worried that dehydration would not be good for his health.

Consider putting some water, and maybe soup at the door. Knock and let him know it's there, then leave so he can get it without having to see you.

Another question... can you hear him inside moving around?

[This message edited by JanetS at 10:18 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

SoSorry17 posted 8/11/2014 10:21 AM

What does that mean? Are you planning to shower him with money in hopes to make him happy? Have you asked him what he wants? I doubt he cares at all about money. He has a job. He has a pension. Start thinking like someone who is about to be on their own. Acting like a martyr will not make you any more attractive in his eyes.

What it means is this. I can't make any decisions for him. My decision is to make sure if or when we divorce that he doesn't have any issues. Meaning I don't want half of his pension and that the child custody agreement is more than fair. I'm making sure the kids have a college fund set up so there is less of a financial burden for him.

Meg. Thanks for your reply. The kids are in therapy and it has helped a lot. I have explained that none of this is his fault, so many times and different ways. DD is just blaming him and she is being relentless. She blames him for leaving and not wanting to be a family anymore. I have told her again and again that we both love her and that will never change.

Swat and I did talk this morning. It was pretty brief, just that he was moving back into the garage apartment. He said it wasn't working the way we were doing things, so he decided he needed to leave until he found another place to live. After our talk Swat was playing a game with the kids, dd was still being mean and confrontational, so he grounded her. She again yells she hates him and he is ruining her life. I don't know what else he said to her but she shut right up gave him a hug and went to her room.

As for exAP, the protection order is very specific. It says he can not have any contact with me or the kids. He has to stay away from us and not commit any criminal offenses against us. I have tried to get Swat on the order, but without his cooperation it is difficult.

I've had some serious revelations since this all started. I'm actively working on fixing my issues, it won't happen overnight. I've learned and used these behaviors for almost 40 years. I can't control what BH does, his decisions are his alone. Just like mine where/are. Maybe I'm not making this clear in my posts. I have let go of the outcome, but it still hurts. I just want everyone to be happy again, it won't happen overnight I know, but it would be nice to see some progress.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 10:29 AM

You need to get firm with your daughter, that while her feelings can and will be heard, disrespect to you or her father will not be tolerated.

Work with your children on how to be heard and not be disrespectful. She is manipulating the situations right now and that needs to be stopped.

SWAT needs to do what he needs to do for himself right now, whatever that is. He isn't helpless, he is still a father and needs to step up with his daughter and it sounds like he did. You both still have to co parent through this.

Keep working on you, can you fix this right now, no. Can you fix it in a month, no. In a year, it will be slightly better. In two, even a little more. In three, it gets even better. This is a long haul. So take it day by day and do the best you can with each day, and make better choices every day. You are doing better because you are learning better. Keep up the good work.

JanetS posted 8/11/2014 10:35 AM

I'm glad he's not still holed up.

I would call the courts and ask them if this latest contact with swat could be considered a sneaky way to get to you... in which case it might be actionable.

At the very least this information should be added to the file. Don't get swat involved this independently, for the safety of your family. You can certainly tell swat, but you do the legwork.

[This message edited by JanetS at 10:48 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

sorrowfulmate posted 8/11/2014 10:47 AM

^^^^^ This

He is using swat to get at you. While Swat doesn't have a protective order at this point I would highly suggest that he investigate getting one.

Part of me thinks this may be pride on his part, him being a LEO he may feel that the can handle it.

I would suggest that one of the issues that you both work together with is finding a way to neutralize the OM because he is hell bent on causing both of you pain.

on your DD - I don't care if she has issues, her issues are not the point, you are supposed to help protect your BH. You allowing DD to berate him didn't do that. You basically stood beside him and watched him get clocked numerous times with a 2x4.

Being a wayward and wanting to reconcile means you have to pull deep from your well of strength. You have to work on yourself and THEN you also have to work to make your BS feel safe and secure.

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