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MakingMyFuture posted 8/11/2014 03:28 AM

17 Months ago, felt so horrible wishing I my life could go back to when I didn't know my WH had had an online affair with my friend, phone sex, photos, personal porn videos, with a planned future trip to turn it into a PA
13 Months ago, I wished I could be the person from 17 months ago and not know he had bought a throw away cell phone and called her a few times (and also tried steroids...yeah!)
3 weeks ago, I wished I could go back to the person I was 13 months ago when I found out original online affair was actually physical when AP flew into town for two separate trips...and he had set up another email account and been in contact with her until April of this year
5 Days ago, I wished I could go back to 3 weeks ago, to just knowing about the original affair, lying during false recovery and the phone, steroids, and new email account.
So where am I now? Now I get to listen to Bullshit about how he didn't create the AshelyMadison Profile I found.
"I have done a lot of horrible shit to you but EVERYTHING came out three weeks ago and I'm glad that you know and 3 weeks ago I committed to never lying to you again...so even though I've considered just admitting to creating that profile so we can move on...I just can't admit to something I DIDN'T do"

I F'ing Hate this

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 04:06 AM

Yep...I'm right there with you.

"I will NEVER do that again!" has been said throughout the past 2 years....wife lurked his FB page the whole 2 years, my third DD that showed me this was 7 weeks ago.

I get what you are saying in this post.

But I differ.....I don't wish to go back....I wish to have a FF button.

My wife has set up a pattern within our marriage of me waiting on the next shoe to drop. I see this as a necessary part of my journey because it is training me to allow her to have less and less influence and impact on me. Not healthy for a M, but healthy for my own growth. I just need to be cautious and not let this experience shut me off from really connecting with people. I have such a desire to grow better, not bitter from this experience.

My latest DD came and went relatively effortlessly compared the previous ones....almost like watching an old re-run of Three's Company. Kind of intriguing, but kinda of bored and predictable. I know this is different than your post...but does any of this kind of resonate with you?

Its like I am no longer afraid to look at who I am married to. When the passion of "NEVER" is said I hardly stop to take note.

Actions.

That is where the proof is.

Lord how I have been duped and hurt by the distractions of words by my wife....but that is on me to own. It is my own brokenness that allows this to happen.

I am healing and I am growing through this...sometimes in spite of my wifes efforts.

Yeah.....I F'ing hate this too.

I have kids your kids ages too....this is f'ing with them too. "I would never do anything to hurt my girls" was another passionate but false statement from my wife during this trial of trials. A lie she believed while in her affair and for a good year afterwards.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:09 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

MakingMyFuture posted 8/11/2014 04:12 AM

It does resonate. When I found out it was actually a PA and about the new email account I was there. Yeah yeah, your sorry bla bla bla.

But taking me away for an "I really mean it and am going to do everything possible to make it up to you" amazing weekend and then finding out the the hook up dating profile not only existed...but was last logged into IN THE MIDDLE of trip?!?

I did not think it was possible for my situation to get any worse.

P.S. If I D, I would not only lose my kids half of the time but also end up supporting him with child/spousal support. Isn't life grand?