SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Brokenhearted49 posted 8/11/2014 04:16 AM

My WH and I have been inR for over a year now and things have been very good for the most part. After DDay, my WH was very transparent about all passwords. He blocked OW from all his contacts, got off Facebook, etc.. So, now that the fog is lifting (yes, it's taken this long, I've been in that much shock), I have started to wonder whether the affair to was the only one. I have been hesitant to ask because I honestly don't know if I can handle the answer. So, fast forward to last week. We were waiting for an offer on our house (we're moving to get out of the town that the OW lives) and he gave me his phone while he went to do his run. Temptation got the better of me and I rifled through his texts and emails. His company was sold and he's now looking for another job so I had suggested he contact his old business associates and I found an email to/from a woman who was a client in NY where he had many business trips. His email started by saying "hope all is well with you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately..." then next paragraph apologized about the inconvenience of his business being sold, blah, blah, blah. Her response was friendly but not too suspicious at first--she mentions her husband. Then at the end of her note she says " I've been thinking of you too, and hope you're doing ok."

Am I opening up a can of worms by admitting to him that I still don't trust him and I looked at his phone? if it truly is an innocent exchange, is it worth messing up our R or even worse, if it isn't innocent and there is a history there, that would be it for me. I'm paralyzed with fear that I've been betrayed again and I don't know if I can handle it again. The first time almost broke me. I'm still seeing a therapist. What do you all think? Sorry to be such a stupid wuss.

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 04:40 AM

Sorry to be such a stupid wuss

First, I can relate to your entire tone in the post. Being so conflicted over the desire for the truth and reality of what the hell is going on and your desire to avoid the pain it will cause.

This is classic CoD patterns...as diagnosed and worked on with $11k worth of therapy!!!

First....gotta start getting rid of the negative self talk. It ain't easy...but it is worth it. Kind of like planting grass seed....its easy to through it out on the ground, it is harder to work it in 1/4 inch evenly under the soil. Both will green up, but only one will make a good yard. I bet it is easier to run yourself down then it is to look and see just how hurtful and intentionally destructive your spouse has chosen to be.

You gotta ask.

When you get an answer be prepared for the following.

Sarcasm.

Defensiveness.

Passionate words professing he will NEVER do that again.

A new confession to a new hurt.

A soft answer that begs for more info.

Try the best you can to let him do the talking. Then try to avoid follow up questions. That is the tough one for me. But he is a big boy...he knows what you are concerned about....and those concerns are well founded.

Let him try big boy pants and see how he does.

Keep in mind words are nothing compared to actions....be prepared for any answer he gives you to be "dynamic" in nature. Meaning he most likely revise it several times...maybe during the same convo, maybe over the course of the next month.

Oh, and over a year in the fog? yep, easy to believe. I get that.

Praying for strength and courage for you right now. You will need plenty of both.

You can do this.

God is with us all.

kaylee711 posted 8/11/2014 04:52 AM

Just because WS said they terminated the EA/PA with the OW, sure the WS (if wants R) will offer up phone pw, e-mail pw, etc...? My WS is doing that to me, but he knows I caught him - offering to let me look freely at records could mean that they are instilling a false sense of trust. WS is certainly going to clear internet browse history, and "clean up" these accounts before willingly granting access to you..... It's not that hard to create another "free Yahoo mail account" that you wont know about (fake screen name, etc).

Don't give WS any chances to clean accounts before offering you access - you need to make random, "pop-quiz" checks at irregular intervals. I'm dealing with this, too, and sadly, I'm having to say "gimme your phone - spot check" to the WS, just like I do with my 13 year old and his phone. You shouldn't have to be a "Net Nanny" to the WS - they are supposed to be your partner, not your child.

And, BS is never a "wuss" here.... You were hurt and have the right to be upset/cautious.

[This message edited by kaylee711 at 4:56 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/11/2014 05:00 AM

Ditto what Blakesteele wrote. If you don't ask him in reality, you'll keep asking in your mind and your mind will probably give too many answers and you'll just wonder.

The letter is a trigger. Triggers can make us sad, angry, anxious, etc. I don't think that it's unusual to still have trust issues after only one year of R. Fourteen years later I still have triggers that affect my trust level. In my case, they turned out to be correct, but each person is different.

You are NOT a stupid wuss. Your temptation to check is natural. I'll give you an example. If you sat down on the toilet to go to the bathroom and got bit by a rattlesnake that was in it, how long do you think you'd keep checking the toilet before sitting down after that. You'd probably keep checking for life. This is no different except maybe that this rattlesnake bit you on the A$$ during your normal life.

TheIrishGirl posted 8/11/2014 08:23 AM

You have his passwords, it's not like you secretly hacked I to his phone. You had his phone because he gave it to you/ left it with you, and you have his passwords because he gave them to you. You don't need to apologize or feel silly for looking. It is a completely reasonable thing to do.

What you saw is enough to generate suspicion in a M without any As. In one that has seen them, it's more than suspicious, it's reason for a big talk.

Forward the emails to yourself. See if you can find other correspondence with this woman. Then ask the question.

Good luck.

krsplat posted 8/11/2014 08:59 AM

If admitting you are still insecure would mess up your R, I question how remorseful or committed he is. And if you have been betrayed again, or if he's been lying to you about an unnrevealed past A, do you really want to stick your head in the sand and pretend that everythinng is OK?

You are NOT a stupid wuss. You're a hurt and recovering BW, and there is no shame in that. But I think you do have to suck it up and raise the issue, then watch and see what kind of response you get. I hope for your sake it will be empathetic, reassuring and kind.

sisoon posted 8/11/2014 10:58 AM

At 2.5 years out, I mentioned in MC that still didn't trust my W fully, even though she had gone a long way toward rebuilding herself.

Our MC's response was that it was too early to trust her.

Remember - 2-5 years to recover, counting from the last big hurt. One year just isn't enough time for a sane person to give trust back to a WS.

The email is disturbing, and I think you should talk about it, but it could be innocent. There are women I've worked with whom I care about without a tinge of an A; she could really be just a friend.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:01 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

hopefull77 posted 8/11/2014 11:19 AM

ASK!!!!

sri624 posted 8/11/2014 11:45 AM

hugs to you....i know this is so hard. i have felt the exact same way as you.

initially, my h gave me all access as well. one day, i as looking at his email account and i noticed a very flirty email with a woman...sounded like they were talking about my h helping her out with some work thing. but i noticed he called her babe in the email. i asked him about it, and he said brushed it off. i even emailed the woman...and she told me that he was helping her with work. she even apologized to me for making me feel unsettled.

that night, my h was really upset with me for emailing her. made a big stink about me emailing people that he "worked" with. i felt terrible for going in his email and doing this. like i did something wrong. i also felt terrible because i felt like i was not doing my part to r. it had been 6 months in r...and here i was still snooping (when he gave me access)....and embarrassing him at work.

there were some other incidents as well...that i didnt ask him about because i was too afraid to rock the boat. i didnt want to mess up r.

until dday2. i found a dirty sext message at 4am (to the same woman who assured me it was all business.)

what i did next was put my bitch boots on. i had been in ic for a while at this point...and i got to the point that i was willing to lose him rather than live in fear.

fear is the problem. if you are "too scared" to ask him anything...and i mean anything after he is the one who cheated...then there is a problem. forget about how HE feels, or what HE thinks. it is what YOU need to heal. i learned that when you are scared...it typically means that you are on to something.

i demanded all access to phone records...not the phone, but the records. i had a list of other requirements for him to stay in the house. he refused, so i put all his things outside. we separated for 3 months. eventually, he gave me the records and discovered false r. he committed to changing HIS life in order to stay married. he has been a model former wayward.

he was just feeding me BS before. knowing full well that i was afraid...and scared to fight with him. he could always hold the fact that he would leave me....or that it was me creating problems....he would use that to control and manipulate me. cheaters do that.

but the minute you stop being scared is when you will the real work can begin. no exceptions on this, you know?

if i were you in this case i would do this:

1. ask for his phone records. not the password to his phone...but the records. see if there is anything suspicious. if he doesnt give it to you, then you know he is still cheating. period.

2. once you have looked at the records...confront him immediately about the email you found. do this whether you find anythng on the records or not.

3. do NOT feel scared, or sorry for confronting him. if he is mad, so what. let him be.

4. demand that this friendship be ended. he has no business with being friendly with ANY woman like that during R. those female relationships should be over and done with. no married man needs to be talking to women on a personal level like this. no way.

5. if he has a hard time doing these things...or giving you what you need, then he can move out. it is a brutal thing to say...but say it..and mean it. help him pack if you need to.

the only way a wayward responds is with a non negotiable, "i am not taking an BS attitude."

i know you love him. we all love these people. but you must be firm.

when you confront him....look him dead in his face, dont cry, be scared, or plead with him...or ask him to be reasonable. no. tell him specifically what your expectations will be.

someone on this board told me a long time ago that a remorseful wayward will move "heaven and earth" to help you heal. i didnt believe it at first, but it is true.

heaven and earth....keep saying that to keep you on the right path.

Brokenhearted49 posted 8/11/2014 20:43 PM

Wow! Thanks for all the great advice and insights! You have all given me a lot to think about. Although I'm sorry you've all had to go through this in order to be able to give advice, I so very much appreciate it. The rattlesnake analogy was spot on (and gave me quite a chuckle as well. And you are all right about not being afraid to ask. If I'm right to be suspicious the better I know now and not waste another minute in false R. If it really was an innocent email then I still have the right to ask about it and not be afraid of how my H will react.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me. I don't feel so alone. Take care and God Bless.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 20:51 PM

Someone once told me, "LA, your time is precious." So is yours Brokenhearted49. I hope you ask. I hope Sisoon is right but...read sri's note a few times and keep this up front...

fear is the problem. if you are "too scared" to ask him anything...and i mean anything after he is the one who cheated...then there is a problem. forget about how HE feels, or what HE thinks. it is what YOU need to heal.

Wodnships posted 8/11/2014 20:55 PM

I'm a little late to the party but I wanted to add an additional point.

Let's say for a minute the exchange was totally innocent. (I have a good friend/former co work who is male that I've had similar exchanges with.)

Reconciliation can only work if both partners are going to be honest with each other. This means you have to be honest about your feelings.

ie You have to tell him about it and you two have to discuss it. If that would destroy R you never were in R to begin with.

That's not to say it might not be uncomfortable for both you you. But if you want to have a healthy relationship you have to bring it up.