hugs to you....i know this is so hard. i have felt the exact same way as you.
initially, my h gave me all access as well. one day, i as looking at his email account and i noticed a very flirty email with a woman...sounded like they were talking about my h helping her out with some work thing. but i noticed he called her babe in the email. i asked him about it, and he said brushed it off. i even emailed the woman...and she told me that he was helping her with work. she even apologized to me for making me feel unsettled.
that night, my h was really upset with me for emailing her. made a big stink about me emailing people that he "worked" with. i felt terrible for going in his email and doing this. like i did something wrong. i also felt terrible because i felt like i was not doing my part to r. it had been 6 months in r...and here i was still snooping (when he gave me access)....and embarrassing him at work.
there were some other incidents as well...that i didnt ask him about because i was too afraid to rock the boat. i didnt want to mess up r.
until dday2. i found a dirty sext message at 4am (to the same woman who assured me it was all business.)
what i did next was put my bitch boots on. i had been in ic for a while at this point...and i got to the point that i was willing to lose him rather than live in fear.
fear is the problem. if you are "too scared" to ask him anything...and i mean anything after he is the one who cheated...then there is a problem. forget about how HE feels, or what HE thinks. it is what YOU need to heal. i learned that when you are scared...it typically means that you are on to something.
i demanded all access to phone records...not the phone, but the records. i had a list of other requirements for him to stay in the house. he refused, so i put all his things outside. we separated for 3 months. eventually, he gave me the records and discovered false r. he committed to changing HIS life in order to stay married. he has been a model former wayward.
he was just feeding me BS before. knowing full well that i was afraid...and scared to fight with him. he could always hold the fact that he would leave me....or that it was me creating problems....he would use that to control and manipulate me. cheaters do that.
but the minute you stop being scared is when you will the real work can begin. no exceptions on this, you know?
if i were you in this case i would do this:
1. ask for his phone records. not the password to his phone...but the records. see if there is anything suspicious. if he doesnt give it to you, then you know he is still cheating. period.
2. once you have looked at the records...confront him immediately about the email you found. do this whether you find anythng on the records or not.
3. do NOT feel scared, or sorry for confronting him. if he is mad, so what. let him be.
4. demand that this friendship be ended. he has no business with being friendly with ANY woman like that during R. those female relationships should be over and done with. no married man needs to be talking to women on a personal level like this. no way.
5. if he has a hard time doing these things...or giving you what you need, then he can move out. it is a brutal thing to say...but say it..and mean it. help him pack if you need to.
the only way a wayward responds is with a non negotiable, "i am not taking an BS attitude."
i know you love him. we all love these people. but you must be firm.
when you confront him....look him dead in his face, dont cry, be scared, or plead with him...or ask him to be reasonable. no. tell him specifically what your expectations will be.
someone on this board told me a long time ago that a remorseful wayward will move "heaven and earth" to help you heal. i didnt believe it at first, but it is true.
heaven and earth....keep saying that to keep you on the right path.