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Softcentre (original poster member #39166) posted at 10:34 AM on Monday, August 11th, 2014
I think a good friend's husband is showing some sloppy boundaries towards me...but I may be hypervigilant?
Friend and I chat about all sorts, incl, sometimes, her relationship with her H. I have a rule that I will not talk about relationships with someone of the opposite sex (ie, her H).
We all went away recently and my friend was very busy with a project, so that left her H and I looking after our children together. I'm very aware of my boundaries and of potential slippery slope situations, so I've given him very obvious unavailable platonic only vibes. He is not someone I'm at all attracted to (and if he was, I would have distanced myself even more - I WILL NOT be an OW or hurt a M). He didn't exactly flirt, but he spent times complaining about my friend. From what I know of my STBXH, this is how he started up his A's, by complaining about me and getting sympathy. It made me feel very uncomfortable. As I said, because I don't discuss relationships with the opposite sex, I didn't engage with what he was saying, even to defend her. I just gave him crickets each time.
Am I handling this ok?
Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children
Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning
norabird ( member #42092) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014
I don't think there's anything you can do except for perhaps mentioning it to your friend. But it's not so overt that I think you're obligated to.
You could directly tell him it makes you uncomfortable and why if it arises again.
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 7:44 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014
he spent times complaining about my friend
I'd probably respond with....I don't get involved with other people's relationships, so you should really talk to her about this...and leave it at that.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
Crescita ( member #32616) posted at 7:44 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014
I have a standard three part reply, and it works for both sexes. One, refer them back to their spouse “Oh that sounds tough, you should talk to your spouse about that.” Two, because they usually follow up with some excuse about failure to communicate, “Maybe counselling would be a good idea.” Three, because they follow up with why counselling won’t work for their spouse, “Maybe you should try it for yourself first. I know a great counselor if you are interested.”
I can be a sympathetic ear to some extent, but the only people who can fix a relationship are the ones who are in it.
“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
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