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Tricky situation, am I handling it right?

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Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 04:34 AM

I think a good friend's husband is showing some sloppy boundaries towards me...but I may be hypervigilant?

Friend and I chat about all sorts, incl, sometimes, her relationship with her H. I have a rule that I will not talk about relationships with someone of the opposite sex (ie, her H).

We all went away recently and my friend was very busy with a project, so that left her H and I looking after our children together. I'm very aware of my boundaries and of potential slippery slope situations, so I've given him very obvious unavailable platonic only vibes. He is not someone I'm at all attracted to (and if he was, I would have distanced myself even more - I WILL NOT be an OW or hurt a M). He didn't exactly flirt, but he spent times complaining about my friend. From what I know of my STBXH, this is how he started up his A's, by complaining about me and getting sympathy. It made me feel very uncomfortable. As I said, because I don't discuss relationships with the opposite sex, I didn't engage with what he was saying, even to defend her. I just gave him crickets each time.

Am I handling this ok?

norabird posted 8/12/2014 13:35 PM

I don't think there's anything you can do except for perhaps mentioning it to your friend. But it's not so overt that I think you're obligated to.

You could directly tell him it makes you uncomfortable and why if it arises again.

lieshurt posted 8/12/2014 13:44 PM

he spent times complaining about my friend

I'd probably respond with....I don't get involved with other people's relationships, so you should really talk to her about this...and leave it at that.

Crescita posted 8/12/2014 13:44 PM

I have a standard three part reply, and it works for both sexes. One, refer them back to their spouse “Oh that sounds tough, you should talk to your spouse about that.” Two, because they usually follow up with some excuse about failure to communicate, “Maybe counselling would be a good idea.” Three, because they follow up with why counselling won’t work for their spouse, “Maybe you should try it for yourself first. I know a great counselor if you are interested.”

I can be a sympathetic ear to some extent, but the only people who can fix a relationship are the ones who are in it.

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