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A horrible realisation and letting go of anger

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Lostcat posted 8/11/2014 05:22 AM

Yesterday I was thinking about my A and why I did it. I started thinking about the few years previous to the A and what was going on in our M (I do understand that what was going on did not make me have an A - I did that all by myself, I am not trying to blame shift here.) There was a time just after the birth of our DD and throughout the year afterwards where I was really hurt by something BH did. I felt he chose his family over me, again, at a time when I really needed him and I felt very unsupported during my depression (it was not a bad depression, just hormonal I think) in the year or so following the birth.

I suddenly felt angry with Bh all over again about this time and I realised that I have been angry with him deep down inside me since then. Which made me think, is that one of the issues that made me do such a horrible thing to him? (I know that there are also several other problems I need to work on in myself, it's not just this.) it was an awful realisation that I could carry around anger inside me when I always thought I was not an angry person. And resent him so much that I could actually betray him in this way. It really cut me. How selfish and horrible I was.

I'm just sharing this because I'm not in IC at the moment (we just moved to the other side of the country and I haven't found a new one yet) and it's something I felt I needed to work through and hear others' responses.

It was really tough to realise that about myself. It's hard to face up to the fact that you're not who you thought you were. I do feel that this realisation has made me let go of that anger I had been carrying, and which I carried even after betraying BH in the worst way, far far worse than anything he had done in the past.

DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 06:50 AM

That is good finding those things you have buried. finding your "whys" our "whys" are not justification. It is finding the things that we need to heal. Like in my case. I was horrible to my BS, for years before my A. she never strayed. So it can be done. But finding that anger inside you, is a good step to heal. By letting go of that anger, it can only help your recovery and R. Have you expressed to your BH that anger inside?

Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 06:59 AM

So...part of your why also needs to be looking at why you kept it inside rather than speaking it at the time.Why you kept hold of the anger. Why you decided that anger could be used to justify the A (even if sub consciously) and why you think you're not an angry person (is there something inside you that tells you it's not ok to be angry? If so, why?)

rachelc posted 8/11/2014 07:11 AM

It's hard to face up to the fact that you're not who you thought you were. I do feel that this realisation has made me let go of that anger I had been carrying, and which I carried even after betraying BH in the worst way, far far worse than anything he had done in the past.

yep. And I did the same thing as you - was angry with him, didn't say anything and the resentment skyrocketed. Thing is, had I said something, he would have likely done something or helped me or changed our life in some way so that my needs were met. But, I didn't even give him that opportunity. I just decided for him. SO. NOT. FAIR. and I can't believe I was someone who did this.

The only thing you can do from now on is NOT be the kind of person who does this going forward. As you start to make choices with newfound integrity, you'll feel better about yourself. But, it takes time.

Lostcat posted 8/11/2014 07:19 AM

Softcentre these are good questions, thanks. I did try to communicate several times to BH about how I felt about that time but we couldn't hear each other. We were in a bad place communication-wise. Ironically since DDay we have actually had a very good talk about that time and for the first time we actually listened to each other. But until yesterday I still carried the anger about it.

As for being an angry person - I suppose in our relationship, BH has always been the "angry one" and I've been the one trying to defuse it. There are a lot of my own FOO issues around anger here too that I need to work through.

And why I subconsciously thought it was ok to have an affair because of this? I need to think about that one, I think it runs very deep into FOO issues.

For all you WS who are not in IC, how do you work through these things? Journaling? Does that help? I feel like I can't keep it all in my head.

bionicgal posted 8/11/2014 09:15 AM

I did try to communicate several times to BH about how I felt about that time but we couldn't hear each other.

To me, this is the hallmark of relationship breakdowns. We had it, too. I don't know if it is a communication issue, an empathy issue, or just not knowing how to be responsive partners. I think neither of us had any inkling how to do the latter, and it has taken time and work to start to be able to get there. Usually both BS and WS have issues with being responsive partners pre-A, either due to life circumstances, or poor skills, or FOO issues.

Good luck on your journey.

Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 09:50 AM

It may also be helpful to ask yourself whether you were very explicit about how you felt, or more...kind of...implied it/expected him to 'get' it? I know that my STBXH and I often skirted around things.

Also, with a couple of things you've mentioned...maybe look into passive aggression? It might not be you, but sometimes, a person who learnt as part of their FOO that anger was 'bad', will cast themselves into the role of 'peacemaker' whilst passively resisting their partner, to subconsciously frustrate their partner and drive their partner to express the anger that the passive aggressive person is unable to express for themselves. They then feel a release, and that they are the 'better' person for not getting angry. It's something to look into if you feel resentful towards your partner, feel that they may be in some kind of competition with you, feel that they are the angry person and you are not.

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