I suddenly felt angry with Bh all over again about this time and I realised that I have been angry with him deep down inside me since then. Which made me think, is that one of the issues that made me do such a horrible thing to him? (I know that there are also several other problems I need to work on in myself, it's not just this.) it was an awful realisation that I could carry around anger inside me when I always thought I was not an angry person. And resent him so much that I could actually betray him in this way. It really cut me. How selfish and horrible I was.
I'm just sharing this because I'm not in IC at the moment (we just moved to the other side of the country and I haven't found a new one yet) and it's something I felt I needed to work through and hear others' responses.
It was really tough to realise that about myself. It's hard to face up to the fact that you're not who you thought you were. I do feel that this realisation has made me let go of that anger I had been carrying, and which I carried even after betraying BH in the worst way, far far worse than anything he had done in the past.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
It's hard to face up to the fact that you're not who you thought you were. I do feel that this realisation has made me let go of that anger I had been carrying, and which I carried even after betraying BH in the worst way, far far worse than anything he had done in the past.
yep. And I did the same thing as you - was angry with him, didn't say anything and the resentment skyrocketed. Thing is, had I said something, he would have likely done something or helped me or changed our life in some way so that my needs were met. But, I didn't even give him that opportunity. I just decided for him. SO. NOT. FAIR. and I can't believe I was someone who did this.
The only thing you can do from now on is NOT be the kind of person who does this going forward. As you start to make choices with newfound integrity, you'll feel better about yourself. But, it takes time.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
As for being an angry person - I suppose in our relationship, BH has always been the "angry one" and I've been the one trying to defuse it. There are a lot of my own FOO issues around anger here too that I need to work through.
And why I subconsciously thought it was ok to have an affair because of this? I need to think about that one, I think it runs very deep into FOO issues.
For all you WS who are not in IC, how do you work through these things? Journaling? Does that help? I feel like I can't keep it all in my head.
I did try to communicate several times to BH about how I felt about that time but we couldn't hear each other.
To me, this is the hallmark of relationship breakdowns. We had it, too. I don't know if it is a communication issue, an empathy issue, or just not knowing how to be responsive partners. I think neither of us had any inkling how to do the latter, and it has taken time and work to start to be able to get there. Usually both BS and WS have issues with being responsive partners pre-A, either due to life circumstances, or poor skills, or FOO issues.
Good luck on your journey.
Also, with a couple of things you've mentioned...maybe look into passive aggression? It might not be you, but sometimes, a person who learnt as part of their FOO that anger was 'bad', will cast themselves into the role of 'peacemaker' whilst passively resisting their partner, to subconsciously frustrate their partner and drive their partner to express the anger that the passive aggressive person is unable to express for themselves. They then feel a release, and that they are the 'better' person for not getting angry. It's something to look into if you feel resentful towards your partner, feel that they may be in some kind of competition with you, feel that they are the angry person and you are not.