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Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 05:46 AM

I've just handed my small children over to The Arse for 1.5 weeks

They've never been away from me for more than 2 nights without seeing me during the day etc. Feeling really sad, but also very angry at The Arse.

He also didn't ask for anything to go with them. They went with what they were wearing. He did ask if they had other shoes, but immediately interrupted me as I was about to reply [that I'd get some] telling me that it didn't matter. We're still sharing the only family car, so I did make sure they had warm/waterproof coats and a cuddly toy each in there.

ChangeMaker posted 8/11/2014 07:44 AM

I feel for you SC. I haven't had to hand over my kids to my STBXWW for that kind of time yet, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Spoil yourself, and keep yourself busy.

Don't worry about him or what he does with the kids. He will provide them what they need. If you offered to send a bunch of stuff with them, he'd quickly come to expect it every time, then shit on you for the things you did/didn't send. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Now get out and do some shit that just ain't no fun with kids around!

HurtingandLost posted 8/11/2014 07:57 AM

It's tough for sure. In time you will learn to appreciate each and every moment THAT MUCH MORE with your kiddos. Hang in there, it does get easier, for you and the kids.

Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 09:25 AM


I do worry. I know The Arse doesn't have too many clothes for them...he sent ds7 home in The Arse's underpants some weeks back

Last year, although he had them for two weeks, he brought them back each evening...this is the longest he'll have ever looked after them himself too. I worry that they'll miss me but not tell him (because they want to please him). Not so bad if it's just a weekend, but my youngest (4) didn't really seem to understand that it was for longer. I worry that he'll think I've abandoned him?

solus sto posted 8/11/2014 12:40 PM

(((Softcentre))) It's so hard, especially at first. But it will be okay. It really will. The kids will adapt, and you will, too. Some day, you might actually look forward to and enjoy your time apart.

ideservebetter45 posted 8/11/2014 13:20 PM

I'm sorry.I haven't had to do this yet either.I am hoping I never do. My dd is going to be 8.She is starting to open up to dad and tell him when she doesn't want to go with him.Sometimes he makes her,other times no.Depends on what he has to do.I cannot even imagine him having her more than one night.He couldn't handle it, i'm sure.She hasn't been away from me more than one night.It wouldn't go well if he forced her to stay.Hugs to you..keep busy..your in my prayers

Lola2kids posted 8/11/2014 14:02 PM

I haven't had to do this yet either.
The most they have been away from me is 2 nights.

I don't know if it will ever get to the point of a week or more but I dread it.

I hope that they have fun at least.
Try not to think of them missing you. I know it's hard.
Do you get phone calls while they are away?

Hugs Softcentre ((()))

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 2:03 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/11/2014 14:09 PM


Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2014 14:31 PM


This sucks. I know there are other, deeper fears in your head you aren't articulating. I'm praying for you all.

Softcentre posted 8/11/2014 14:55 PM

Thank you. Just need to get through this time.

I'm going to work on the house. Make it a nicer place to live by the time they get back. Do some DIY I can't do with them around, that sort of thing.

Yes NG I'm also worrying about other things, including whether he's passive aggressively alienating them from me and how they'll be when they get back. I'll get them back for just 3 days, then he'll have them for another week. It's hellish.

norabird posted 8/11/2014 14:55 PM

I love that you'll use this time to make your home even better. (((Softcentre)))

betrayedpregnant posted 8/11/2014 18:43 PM

softcentre, i'm SURE your babies will think of you and how much better it would be if you could be with them. i'm sure they'll miss you and can't wait to see you either. And they'll be thrilled to come home to their improved house.

tesla posted 8/11/2014 22:21 PM


It's so hard. Especially the first time...meh, not going to lie, it's always hard. Hopefully you can call them for a quick good night. I know I live for those calls when teslet is gone from me for long periods of time.
Fill your time and be kind to yourself.

tryingagain74 posted 8/11/2014 22:35 PM


I have to give my kids to ex-cheater this weekend for their week-long family beach trip. I know how you feel. I always feel tremendous relief when they return. My kids sort of enjoy the trip, but unfortunately, they really can't get excited about it because they'd rather be with me than with him.

I agree with the others-- I already have things lined up to do; I spend this week in school getting ready for the new year while my kids are gone.

May the time pass by quickly until your babies come back to you. You're not alone!

Softcentre posted 8/12/2014 02:00 AM

Thank you everyone.

I don't get to call them etc. When they're with me in the holidays and not seeing The Arse on the weekend, I make sure they call him or I text him what they tell me to, if they ask after him or say they miss him. As in:

Child: "Mummy when is Daddy coming?" or "I miss Daddy"
Me: "X days time. Would you like to call/text him?" or "Come and have a hug. Would you like to call/text him?"

So contact is offered in response to their need, rather than for the benefit of the parent IYSWIM? That way,they don't get upset by a phone call if they were feeling fine and phone calls can't be used to control where we are...The Arse doesn't do the same. He only contacts me if they explicitly ask for it.

Funnily enough, The Arse made sure that he either has a visit or a phone call midweek if he doesn't get to see them at the weekend, but not in holidays. I'm now realising that may have been about making sure he didn't have to reciprocate.... will be lovely if I hear from them, but I don't expect to.

BtraydWife posted 8/12/2014 02:07 AM


Bluebird26 posted 8/12/2014 03:42 AM


I remember the first time my kids went to their fathers for a week. I was d.e.v.a.s.t.e.d. I cried for the whole week. The first is the hardest. It does get easier. I still miss them of course but no longer cry and actually enjoy my time alone. It lets me recharge my batteries.

Keep busy, be gentle with yourself.

Softcentre posted 8/13/2014 09:18 AM

So it looks like i need to invest in shares in kleenex &I'm not getting all the things done I meant to and have been wallowing and watching inane tv...but on the plus side, my gorgeous eldest son told The Arse to text me a pic of my boys, telling me he (DS) misses me but they're having fun.

Softcentre posted 8/14/2014 13:22 PM

I'm a hot mess this evening. I feel like I've gone back months in my healing. Probably it's partly because this weekend is my 2 year antiversary. But I'm in tears and, honestly? Right now I just want to talk to him. But I do know that nothing will have changed, he'll still be detached & unremorseful and if I contacted him, it would mean even more pain for me. So, knowing that, why do I feel this way? I've already started writing down all the terrible things he's done and it hasn't helped. Ugh!...BTW I won't be contacting him, but why the desire to do that?

nowiknow23 posted 8/14/2014 13:27 PM

((((softcentre)))) Antiversaries are tough. And I'd wager that your mind is still trying to make sense out of the nonsensical. It happens even while we aren't thinking about it.

What can you do for YOU tonight, honey? And tomorrow? What about this weekend?

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