SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Deanna posted 8/11/2014 09:14 AM

Did your WS pursue affair or were they pursued?

I know it doesn't make any difference but I am curious. My WS was pursued. She had to come out and tell him she wanted to have an affair because although he enjoyed flirting he would have never took it to the next level on his own.

PositiveAttitude posted 8/11/2014 09:16 AM

My WS was pursued. OW went to great links to originally ingrain herself into his life. He also ended the A with her 3 different times and each time she was the one who kept coming back.

That being said . . . my WH WAS the one who took the bait. I won't/can't/shouldn't blame her for that.

HurtingandLost posted 8/11/2014 09:17 AM

Same with my STBXWW and my XWW. STBX pursued current OM#2, he would not have initiated as he wasn't interested after seeing her ring. She took it off and pursued him. Rest is history.

bionicgal posted 8/11/2014 09:23 AM

My H would probably say it was 50/50, but her actions were totally that of someone trying to catch someone's eye. He also doesn't like to shirk responsibility for his actions for acting like he was 'played.' But, she also had an admitted crush on him "for years," which he did not have in reverse. She started taking all the early morning workout classes he was in, (tracked his activity on the gym log-in system) started exercising excessively to gain his attention, always tried to prolong email correspondence with him. . .wouldn't stop emailing when he broke it off with her (before the EA went PA) arranged the first kiss and the first sexual encounter, at her house.

So, my husband was not victim, and he sent the email that kicked the whole thing off, and was the first to admit "feelings," but I see her as more the pursuer, for sure. She did it in a passive and cagey way though, and my husband is much more direct. So, I think he felt like he was more in control than he was.

TheIrishGirl posted 8/11/2014 09:27 AM

Seeing as he set up the log ins, and actually logged in, I'd say it was him. I don't really give a fuck who sent the first email/initiated the first PM/requested the other's email address. He went on there looking for someone.

jendo posted 8/11/2014 09:27 AM

I believe it was 50/50. He says it just kind of happened. They both started crossing lines gradually until they were at the point of sexting and I love yous. Ugh.

krsplat posted 8/11/2014 09:29 AM

My WH and his OW met on a "married but looking" chat site. They both entered in with the intent of a ONS, then decided to keep it going. For 7 years. FML.

niaveone posted 8/11/2014 09:30 AM

At first I thought she pursued him, but now I realize all she did was give him her cell number and he took the bait really quickly. :( I even asked him if she flirted with him prior to her giving him the phone number and he said "no". She gave it to him for *business purposes* outside of regular office hours, however....that was her MO to take it to the next level with guys she met through work. fWH didn't know that at the time though.

It was a tough pill to swallow to not blame her for taking it to the next level.

That being said, she did make herself out to be something other than what she really was to keep his interest and take it to the next level.

Forged1 posted 8/11/2014 09:30 AM

My understanding from Dday is that STBXWW initiated it, and told OM that things were done between us in order to get the ball rolling. She says that she made this choice 'so that she would have to leave'.

What I can't quite figure out is why - if she wanted to leave - she (1) didn't immediately rush home to tell me that she'd banged OM the night or day after that happened and (2) kept on coming home until Dday, which was ten months later.

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.

HurtingandLost posted 8/11/2014 09:33 AM

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.

Sums it up nicely, Forged

h0peless posted 8/11/2014 09:35 AM

In retrospect it doesn't really matter, but I think he initially approached her and she was very receptive. Apparently she was frustrated about the fact that our roof had leaked the previous weekend and was telling everybody who would listen at work that our marriage was over and he took that as an invitation to make his move.

She was 100% receptive and she never looked back, moving in with him a week and a half after their first conversation.

Whalers11 posted 8/11/2014 09:36 AM

I'm not sure. I did ask him once, and he said that she pursued him. However, I know my ex - he can give off a very "don't fuck with me" vibe when he wants to. I have also seen the very charming, flirty personality he can turn on. So my guess is he was doing something to give off signs that he was open to it.

MissedRedFlags posted 8/11/2014 09:40 AM

I'd say my WH was the pursuer. My WH had known his AP for some years---had actually introduced her to me at least 5 years before the start of the A, telling me that "we had so much in common." Yuck.

They are both attorneys and attended many Bar Association functions. My WH says that he saw her in a tight dress for the first time and got aroused ( she normally wore pant suits) and they were on a Law Week committee together and started flirting with each other. It started from there. Exchange of flirty texts and emails, then happy hours ( where he called her to invite her), then a date at a local bar where they kissed for the first time ( he says after the kiss on the dance floor she walked away to the restroom and his first thought was, "she's going to tell my wife." ( not What am I doing!)then lunch where they left the restaurant to...well, you know, for the first time.

devasted30 posted 8/11/2014 09:41 AM

My WS went looking for thrills, excitement. He hooked up on a web site and spent many weeks looking for someone wih similar interests who would "play" with a married man. It seems he didn't have that much trouble finding a couple who were willing.

solus sto posted 8/11/2014 09:45 AM

He pursued. That was part of the thrill.

trustedg posted 8/11/2014 09:48 AM

Hmm - even if the WS was persued the WS made the decision to follow through. My H was approached by a "friend" of mine, he was freind's with her H. He didn't think he was getting enough sex so decided to take her up on it. He told her it was just sex, figured no one would get hurt as long as it was kept secret but when he went to break it off she decided I needed to know about it and started dropping hints.

BS
DD 12/12

hopefull77 posted 8/11/2014 09:53 AM

After my husbands father died he went strolling down memory lane....

99lawdog99 posted 8/11/2014 09:56 AM

He pursued my WW totally. My wife was always the friendly type and thought nothing of being friends with guys. Not that it makes my wife innocent. She let it happen and as I told her, nothing he could have done short of putting a gun to her head could have forced her to sleep with him. That was her doing. The POS pursued her like she was prey. Not a day went by that he wasn't contacting her telling her how beautiful she was, how wonderful she was and how depressed he was because he couldn't be with her. I remember seeing text whereby she would tell him how much she liked hearing what he was telling her. Like an idiot, she fell hook line and sinker.

rachelc posted 8/11/2014 09:59 AM

His 1st - he was pursued
His 2nd- he was the pursuer.
Still irritating and one of the reasons I can't forgive the 2nd.

seethelight posted 8/11/2014 10:08 AM

Deanna:

My wayward spouse, when asked, claimed it was 50/50.

But when I had a computer expert resurrect the deleted emails and texts, it was very clear that the OW was the pursuer.

Based on the conversations between them, from the outset, it was clear that my wayward would have been content with meeting for coffee to chat.

But his OW, a very experienced serial cheater who was advising how to cheat without getting caught, wanted more and was very pushy about it.

He even mentioned to her that he was not looking for an affair several times.

She however pushed and pushed for dinner dates, then when she insisted that she wanted him sexually, I saw in the emails and texts that he tried to break it off several times, she started sending porn videos of herself to him.

She pushed for sex for a long time before he agreed to it. He was still wrong, but i do think had she not pushed he may have been content with meeting for coffee and ego strokes.

Later, when caught and I finally alerted her husband because she continued to stalk him and me, and to attempt to contact my wayward, she lied to her husband claiming, my husband had a crush on her, and SHE JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS.

She insisted there was no sex.

When I showed the OWs husband the emails and text and the porn video, he finally woke up.