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Did your WS pursue affair or were they persued?

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 Deanna (original poster member #26854) posted at 3:14 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Did your WS pursue affair or were they pursued?

I know it doesn't make any difference but I am curious. My WS was pursued. She had to come out and tell him she wanted to have an affair because although he enjoyed flirting he would have never took it to the next level on his own.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

posts: 1673   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 6905446
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PositiveAttitude ( member #40624) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My WS was pursued. OW went to great links to originally ingrain herself into his life. He also ended the A with her 3 different times and each time she was the one who kept coming back.

That being said . . . my WH WAS the one who took the bait. I won't/can't/shouldn't blame her for that.

BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can

posts: 205   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest US (Tucson)
id 6905452
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HurtingandLost ( member #29322) posted at 3:17 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Same with my STBXWW and my XWW. STBX pursued current OM#2, he would not have initiated as he wasn't interested after seeing her ring. She took it off and pursued him. Rest is history.

Fbh

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2010   ·   location: WI
id 6905453
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 3:23 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My H would probably say it was 50/50, but her actions were totally that of someone trying to catch someone's eye. He also doesn't like to shirk responsibility for his actions for acting like he was 'played.' But, she also had an admitted crush on him "for years," which he did not have in reverse. She started taking all the early morning workout classes he was in, (tracked his activity on the gym log-in system) started exercising excessively to gain his attention, always tried to prolong email correspondence with him. . .wouldn't stop emailing when he broke it off with her (before the EA went PA) arranged the first kiss and the first sexual encounter, at her house.

So, my husband was not victim, and he sent the email that kicked the whole thing off, and was the first to admit "feelings," but I see her as more the pursuer, for sure. She did it in a passive and cagey way though, and my husband is much more direct. So, I think he felt like he was more in control than he was.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6905460
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TheIrishGirl ( member #43496) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Seeing as he set up the log ins, and actually logged in, I'd say it was him. I don't really give a fuck who sent the first email/initiated the first PM/requested the other's email address. He went on there looking for someone.

Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working

posts: 3226   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2014
id 6905466
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jendo ( member #43059) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

I believe it was 50/50. He says it just kind of happened. They both started crossing lines gradually until they were at the point of sexting and I love yous. Ugh.

BW Me (40ish)- now closer to 50
WH Him (40ish)- now closer to 50
Kids ages 10-20- now 18-28
Married 20 years- no2 28 years
OW 27- passed away 2/4/15 from cervical cancer
DDay 4/3/14- 6 month EA - Yes, I know he could be lying and

posts: 558   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2014
id 6905467
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krsplat ( member #43242) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My WH and his OW met on a "married but looking" chat site. They both entered in with the intent of a ONS, then decided to keep it going. For 7 years. FML.

Me & WH: 50+, married 23 years, 4 kids, now D
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are just too broken to be fixed.

posts: 805   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 6905473
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niaveone ( member #40317) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

At first I thought she pursued him, but now I realize all she did was give him her cell number and he took the bait really quickly. :( I even asked him if she flirted with him prior to her giving him the phone number and he said "no". She gave it to him for *business purposes* outside of regular office hours, however....that was her MO to take it to the next level with guys she met through work. fWH didn't know that at the time though.

It was a tough pill to swallow to not blame her for taking it to the next level.

That being said, she did make herself out to be something other than what she really was to keep his interest and take it to the next level.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 24 years
2 children
2 DDays
Reconciling

posts: 511   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2013
id 6905476
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Forged1 ( member #43418) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My understanding from Dday is that STBXWW initiated it, and told OM that things were done between us in order to get the ball rolling. She says that she made this choice 'so that she would have to leave'.

What I can't quite figure out is why - if she wanted to leave - she (1) didn't immediately rush home to tell me that she'd banged OM the night or day after that happened and (2) kept on coming home until Dday, which was ten months later.

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.

Me: Former BH
Divorced Q2 2015
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.

Do no harm. But take no shit.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 6905477
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HurtingandLost ( member #29322) posted at 3:33 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.

Sums it up nicely, Forged

Fbh

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2010   ·   location: WI
id 6905483
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h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

In retrospect it doesn't really matter, but I think he initially approached her and she was very receptive. Apparently she was frustrated about the fact that our roof had leaked the previous weekend and was telling everybody who would listen at work that our marriage was over and he took that as an invitation to make his move.

She was 100% receptive and she never looked back, moving in with him a week and a half after their first conversation.

posts: 3136   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: Baja Arizona
id 6905491
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Whalers11 ( member #27544) posted at 3:36 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

I'm not sure. I did ask him once, and he said that she pursued him. However, I know my ex - he can give off a very "don't fuck with me" vibe when he wants to. I have also seen the very charming, flirty personality he can turn on. So my guess is he was doing something to give off signs that he was open to it.

posts: 3358   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2010
id 6905492
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MissedRedFlags ( member #43344) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

I'd say my WH was the pursuer. My WH had known his AP for some years---had actually introduced her to me at least 5 years before the start of the A, telling me that "we had so much in common." Yuck.

They are both attorneys and attended many Bar Association functions. My WH says that he saw her in a tight dress for the first time and got aroused ( she normally wore pant suits) and they were on a Law Week committee together and started flirting with each other. It started from there. Exchange of flirty texts and emails, then happy hours ( where he called her to invite her), then a date at a local bar where they kissed for the first time ( he says after the kiss on the dance floor she walked away to the restroom and his first thought was, "she's going to tell my wife." ( not What am I doing!)then lunch where they left the restaurant to...well, you know, for the first time.

Me: BS 44
Him: WH 43
7 year LTA, DDay 1: June 4, 2013
DDay2: 6/5/16-Same OW
DDay3: 8/19/16-Same OW
DDay4: 8/1/17--found OW stalking me here at SI
Married 20 years
2 kids aged 14 & 12
Plan: get self out of infidelity

posts: 451   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 6905498
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devasted30 ( member #39439) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My WS went looking for thrills, excitement. He hooked up on a web site and spent many weeks looking for someone wih similar interests who would "play" with a married man. It seems he didn't have that much trouble finding a couple who were willing.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6905502
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

He pursued. That was part of the thrill.

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15630   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 6905505
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 3:48 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Hmm - even if the WS was persued the WS made the decision to follow through. My H was approached by a "friend" of mine, he was freind's with her H. He didn't think he was getting enough sex so decided to take her up on it. He told her it was just sex, figured no one would get hurt as long as it was kept secret but when he went to break it off she decided I needed to know about it and started dropping hints.

BS

DD 12/12

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2386   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 6905509
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hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

After my husbands father died he went strolling down memory lane....

me-BS him-WS

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2885   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 6905516
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99lawdog99 ( member #42615) posted at 3:56 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

He pursued my WW totally. My wife was always the friendly type and thought nothing of being friends with guys. Not that it makes my wife innocent. She let it happen and as I told her, nothing he could have done short of putting a gun to her head could have forced her to sleep with him. That was her doing. The POS pursued her like she was prey. Not a day went by that he wasn't contacting her telling her how beautiful she was, how wonderful she was and how depressed he was because he couldn't be with her. I remember seeing text whereby she would tell him how much she liked hearing what he was telling her. Like an idiot, she fell hook line and sinker.

Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

posts: 729   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2014   ·   location: pa
id 6905518
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

His 1st - he was pursued

His 2nd- he was the pursuer.

Still irritating and one of the reasons I can't forgive the 2nd.

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6905521
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seethelight ( member #43513) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Deanna:

My wayward spouse, when asked, claimed it was 50/50.

But when I had a computer expert resurrect the deleted emails and texts, it was very clear that the OW was the pursuer.

Based on the conversations between them, from the outset, it was clear that my wayward would have been content with meeting for coffee to chat.

But his OW, a very experienced serial cheater who was advising how to cheat without getting caught, wanted more and was very pushy about it.

He even mentioned to her that he was not looking for an affair several times.

She however pushed and pushed for dinner dates, then when she insisted that she wanted him sexually, I saw in the emails and texts that he tried to break it off several times, she started sending porn videos of herself to him.

She pushed for sex for a long time before he agreed to it. He was still wrong, but i do think had she not pushed he may have been content with meeting for coffee and ego strokes.

Later, when caught and I finally alerted her husband because she continued to stalk him and me, and to attempt to contact my wayward, she lied to her husband claiming, my husband had a crush on her, and SHE JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS.

She insisted there was no sex.

When I showed the OWs husband the emails and text and the porn video, he finally woke up.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

posts: 1516   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2014
id 6905533
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