"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

NotMike88 posted 8/11/2014 09:58 AM

Another story I'm sure many have heard.. But it feels good to write about it.

I found out my wife cheated on me while at a conference 90 miles from our home. I logged in to my ipad and saw a message that she had sent the other man saying how much she missed his huge throbbing ****

This destroyed me on a few different levels. We have been married for five years. We have a daughter together and she is as close as a stepmother could be with my to sons. We had a very happy marriage and a healthy sex life.

When I told her I knew about the affair she immediately admitted to having sex with another man and is doing everything she can to shows how sorry she is and showing how dedicated to our marriage she is. She had the affair in May, I found out at the end of July. Every day she has tried to show me how much she wants our marriage to work.

The difficult things for me to get over are that she missed being with this man, who she admits was very large. The woman who I love so deeply obviously did not love me as much as I loved her. I worry that she may have done this before in the past and may do it again in the future. Should I just accept that she may cheat on me again??? She loves me and our family. She is a great mother and wife. My best friend.

Her reasons for the affair are her daddy issues. She says that she was not herself and a switch turned off. I have to believe that it if happened once that it will happen again, but my life is better with her. So conflicted.

da2jm posted 8/11/2014 10:08 AM

I found this site just last night, and already I am amazed at how hearing about others in a similar situation is making me feel less alone. Strange how reassuring that is. I have a story quite similar to yours, and I feel for you, buddy.

Hang in there!

CW

lordhasaplan? posted 8/11/2014 10:14 AM

First I am sorry your here and have to join this club.

Her reasons for the affair are her daddy issues.

No, that's hoarse shit. People with daddy issues go get counseling not find solace on a throbbing anonymous penis.

She says that she was not herself and a switch turned off.

O)k, what allowed her to turn it off? How is it to be prevented in the future? Until this and a laundry list of other questions can be answered honestly, the answer to this question is, probably YES!

I worry that she may have done this before in the past and may do it again in the future.

have you established what you two need to consider reconciliation? Soon you will move from these questions to being very pissed. Before that time I would establish a few things.

Have you two been tested for STD's?
Has she sent a NC letter?
Is she transparent? you have access to all her emails social media etc?
Is she in IC?
Does she answer any and all questions honestly with out being defensive?
Have you been focused on your health eating sleeping?
Have you done IC?
what are your requirements of her to stay in the marriage?

Take this one day at a time. Focus on yourself first. But you need to feel safe in this marriage or you will never truly be married again, what is she doing to make that possible?

Tom67 posted 8/11/2014 10:15 AM

She has to write a no contact letter for starters.
Is he local or did she just meet him at the conference.
Do not rug sweep this.

Tom67 posted 8/11/2014 10:17 AM

Another thing to think about is why would you want to be with someone who emasculated you in the worst way possible.
Just saying.

NotMike88 posted 8/11/2014 10:22 AM

We have not been tested for stds, would be a good idea.
What is a NC letter?

She has been very transparent, she has offered me full access to her life if I choose to look into her phone, emails and social media

I have been to see a counselor, but she is too embarrassed and ashamed to to yet

She has answered all of my questions honestly and I feel that I can trust everything she has told me.

I have been able to sleep and eat most days...

I have told her that for our marriage to work she will need to convince me that she will remain faithful to me. I have no idea how she can convince me, but she has dedicated every moment so far trying to do so.

Thank you for your words, I have come a long ways and overcome a lot, but still aching and having a hard time trusting

seethelight posted 8/11/2014 10:23 AM

I logged in to my ipad and saw a message that she had sent the other man saying how much she missed his huge throbbing ****

Cripes, she risked her marriage for a
huge throbbing......"

I am a BS, and I share your fear that my wayward will do this again, and once again tear my heart out.

There was nothing that could have prompted me to risk my marriage to have an affair.

I turned down blunt offers to have affairs with attractive wealthy guys.

I loved my husband too much to hurt him by having an affair.

I trusted my spouse to have enough self control and to lover me enough to do the same.

He truly disappointed me, though.

NotMike88 posted 8/11/2014 10:23 AM

The man she slept with was from out of the country. She has agreed to never speak with him again. I emailed him a couple weeks ago and asked him about the affair. He did not share much, but said that he has not been in contact with her.

Tom67 posted 8/11/2014 10:27 AM

If he has a wife you could let her know what happened.
That way he will be scrambling to save his marriage.

seethelight posted 8/11/2014 10:41 AM

If he has a wife you could let her know what happened.
That way he will be scrambling to save his marriage.

Notmike88:

I agree with the above quote.

I did not initially contact the OW's spouse, and she continued contacting my wayward, stalking his movements and accidentally on purpose running into him to talk, etc.

She only stopped trying to directly contact him, and running into him on the street, after I alerted her spouse.

She is still however stalking and driving by our home and asking neighbors about the state of our marriage.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:59 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/11/2014 10:48 AM

NotMike,

Your email to the OM is not the same has your WW writing in EXPLICIT TERMS that she desires no contact.

Lordhasaplan pretty much nailed it with his advice. I feel that I need to emphasize that she needs to be in counseling. It doesn't matter that she's too embarrassed or ashamed. I'm sure that you've probably had those feelings too. I would also urge that the counseling be together. My ex-girl friend started our therapy on her own and when I joined, I found the story she told was a laughingly inadequate representation of reality.

I'm sorry that your here. It sucks.

syhoybenden posted 8/11/2014 10:52 AM

She will do it again in the future and not necessarily with the same guy, unless you keep her on a short leash.

BUT, is that the way you want to live the rest of your life?

BlueinStLou posted 8/11/2014 11:40 AM

Delete - accidental double post.

[This message edited by BlueinStLou at 2:47 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

BlueinStLou posted 8/11/2014 11:40 AM

I second the idea that if there is a wife of the other party, they need to be notified. I avoided this, partly because the OW pleaded with me to "let her try and fix her marriage" and all I got for it was another huge heartbreaking discovery that the affair never ended.

When I finally told the husband of the OW, he was devastated, but also angry that I hadn't told him. In addition, I found that in terms of knowing if the affair is over, he could be a sort of ally.

Plus, I don't think there can be true reconciliation unless everyone comes totally clean.

Uhtred posted 8/11/2014 13:11 PM

We all understand the feelings that you are having. I also read messages just like yours wrote about how big and awesome it was and more. Bottom line that guy is a chicken shit and would back down from you if you were face to face. All OM are cowards. When I confronted him he peed his pants and took bitch slaps like a champ. You're twice the man this asshole is trust me. Make sure and find out who his wife is and rat him out. She deserves to know.

Jduff posted 8/11/2014 14:34 PM

All OM are cowards.

I second Tred on that. If they have to sneak around to get some action, it's because they fear the consequences that follow being caught.

Real men earn it legitimately. They don't pilfer from other men.

craig2001 posted 8/11/2014 14:46 PM

She says that she was not herself and a switch turned off. I have to believe that it if happened once that it will happen again, but my life is better with her.

Do you want to go through this again and again.

She obviously needs to go to therapy for her family issues and it is too bad she is embarrassed. If she cannot learn how to handle this so-called on and off switch of hers, she will do it again, most likely.

I don't see you are ever going to let her go anywhere out of town again, job or no job.

OakStreet posted 8/11/2014 14:51 PM

NotMike88:

Although my marriage is not reconciled, there are plenty of people on here that HAVE reconciled. You just need to take some time and read in The Healing Library.

Decide what YOUR needs/demands are for walking/talking through this affair. And for healing from it.

The book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", may be helpful for both of you.

Good luck!

sixgun posted 8/11/2014 14:55 PM

be careful. She admitted to this affair ONLY after you found irrefutable evidence of it. What about the affairs you did not confront her on and she kept secret? If she did one, she could easily have done multiple.

Does she travel a lot? Sounds like she needs to quit that job and get a local one. She can not be trusted with the temptation of sleeping in hotels.

The make DNA test kits. You might want to invest in one and test the daughter you share, just to make sure she is yours. Noting more hurtful than passing off an affair child as your own to raise.

You DO need to monitor everything she does online now. Put a key logger on her computer, and a similar product on her phone. You should have all passwords. If you see an app on a phone that you are not familiar with, check it out online. Some apps are specifically tailored to hide or self delete texts and pictures after they are read. You will have a hard time finding evidence like that. And search the bedroom for a burner phone...one you do not know about. You might not find it, but find the charger for it instead!

In other words, you found out, and she revealed some info. Work hard now, and clandestinely, to see if you have the full story. If you smell something fishy, go further. Plant a voice actiated recorder in her car, the rooms she use at home. maybe even gps track her car.

And the attention to you, and your sex life, had better be going thru the roof. A woman in true reconciliation mode will do ANYTHING to win you back.

seethelight posted 8/11/2014 14:59 PM

I also read messages just like yours wrote about how big and awesome it was and more.

Betrayed wife here, and yes, I too read emails that just wanted to make me barf. In one the OW tells my cheating spouse that he is beyond perfect.

What? He's cheating for heaven's sake, how perfect can he be?

My husband would respond to her ego strokes by telling her that he luuuuuuuusts her.

They sounded like two teenagers.

All OWs and OMs live in a weird fantasy bubble.

I have said this before, if some guy told me I was perfectly perfect that would make me very nervous and set me to thinking that he has unrealistic expectations of a relationship.

Any reasonable person knows, no human is perfect.

I wonder if maybe my spouse cheated because I never told him I wanted his "throbbing dick".

I just never talked like that to my boyfriends or my spouse.

And the only people I have ever noticed talk like that to their boyfriends were characters in the silly bodice ripper novels junior high school girls become fixated on for a short while.

Then, too, I sometimes wonder if they talk like this to each other because the focus is just sex, and that's the way they want to keep it.

.......if that's any consolation.